SEX, DRUGS, AND POLITICS

9-11

2008-09-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am not obediently taking my seat at the Republican table. I am not a spoke in the wheel the government is currently spinning us on. I am not a passive, blind, uneducated, flaccid acceptor of the lies handed down to me from political parties, media, biased textbooks and teachers, or God shrouded behind a preacher’s robe. I am not running their rat race; because even if I win, I’m still a fucking rat.

September 11th has become a badge of honor sewn onto the shirts of the members of the Republican Party. September 11th has become the Nike swoosh, except in lieu of Just Do It the slogan reads Democrats Are Such Humongous Pussies That If They Were Elected 9-11 Would Become The Norm. 9-11 is this imaginary badge of courage the Repubs flash when they can’t compensate in any other way for their deficiencies.

What do you do if your policies are outdated and as retarded as Corky from Life Goes On….evoke 9-11.

What do you do if you’re the worst president this country has ever seen and you are running for reelection….talk like a cowboy about 9-11.

What do you do if you are a lisp inflicted Mayor that sat on his hands and enacted zero anti terror mandates, and placed the headquarters of your terrorism task force in the same twin towers that the task force was assembled to protect……bring up 9-11 so much that Bin Laden gets jealous because you are stealing his claim to fame.

What do you do if you are a 72 year old former POW and the only thing that can invigorate your base, short of you stepping aside, is to nominate a racist, retard producing, misogynistic, hill-billy from Wasilla, Alaska……….you nominate that bitch and you do nothing but bring up 9-11 and your experience as a failed soldier in an attempt to convince idiot America that you are their long lost savior.

Republicans claim that we are safer when they are at the helm, that the Dems would allow terror attacks to hit our country in droves. All of a sudden these conniving crooked politicians find clairvoyance and develop a connection to the great unknown. Lest we forget 9-11 happened while the Republicans were in office, except somehow the buck stopped at the desk of the Dems. Claiming that the Democrats could not prevent an attack is futile when YOU did not prevent the original attack.

9-11 meant so much to my generation, because it crushed us for the first time. 9-11 was the first life altering event that we had ever experienced. We had grown up during the glorious Clinton years and thought that the peace we were experiencing was everlasting. We thought that our tranquility was manifest, not man made. We thought that America protected us, when it was us that had to protect her. The after effects of 9-11 saw unity that today seems unfathomable. 9-11 was not a political battle cry for the religious right….the same religious right that claimed it was God’s vengeance for homosexuality. 9-11 birthed a new level of love of country; and most of us did everything in our power to soothe our injured America and nurse her back to full strength. We looked to our leader to guide us, to give our zeal an outlet. Our leader, George Bush told us to shop. SHOP! He initiated the branding of 9-11 for his party, and now it does not evoke that sense of national pride, it has become an advertisement for the Republican Party.

We need to steal back 9-11. It is not the property of The Republican Party or The Democratic Party. 9-11 is our scar as a nation. 9-11 is not a political devise to divide my 50 year old neighbor and me because we differ politically. It is the most non-partisan issue in existence. 9-11 is not ambiguous like abortion, global warming, or stem cell research; it is the most concrete issue in this country. Even though the Republican Party continually paints 9-11 rouge, it is not red. Fuck, it’s not blue; it is red, white, and blue. We want it back. 9-11 is not a political strategy a la Willie Horton, because political strategy is forgotten, as evidenced by the amount of you that just Googled Willie Horton. 9-11 is not equivalent to Palin’s poor Downs syndrome inflicted child; a political tool used to drum up support. 9-11 is the source of my heartache as an American and where I find pride in the country that I love. I want it back, you slimy fucks. I don’t want 9-11 dirtied by all the filth underneath your fingernails. It belongs to the citizens of this country, not to a political party. GIVE IT BACK.

RNC THOUGHTS

2008-09-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

What a great convention for the Republican ticket. McCain and Palin are such mavericks, like two egotistical peas in a narcissistic pod.

Here are my quick hits on the week that was.

McCain is a hero, that’s a given, but the story lost its force when it was his turn to relay it since I had already heard it 80 times prior to his speech. McCain and his story of horrendous incessant torture forces us to look at torture in a new light. McCain’s party legalized torture; the same torture that nearly took his life is currently being carried out, legally mind you, by our government. McCain does not hate war like he claims, he loves it- because without war McCain would not be McCain. The way he whores out his story makes pimps everywhere jealous. He claims that his experience in Hanoi made him realize how great his country was- WOW. It took THIS, for you to realize your country was great, how shallow and vainglorious were you. I think the entire Republican Party now owes Michelle Obama an apology. We forget that McCain was captured while bombing Vietnam during an unjust war, just like the one we are entrenched in today. If this experience changed him so magnificently then why is he allowing thousands of his fellow citizens to go through similar experiences? The neurotransmitters in McCain’s head must have some switched circuits because he doesn’t see that his status as war hero does not allow him the right to monger for more wars.

This is my gay moment, but apparently the no white after Labor Day rule doesn’t apply to Laura Bush.

The saving grace for Sarah Palin is that she is “just like us,” that our neighbor’s live lives just like her. I DON’T WANT LEADERS LIKE ME OR MY NEIGHBORS, OUR LEADERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER. I don’t want a woman with a broadcasting degree from Idaho; I want the Kennedy’s. I want a Rhode’s scholar a la Clinton. I don’t want politicians that I can relate to, because as a person I am pretty shitty, I want politicians I revere and look up to. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can be president; I want only the best, a select few, to dream that high, not the ‘tards in the back of the classroom eating paint chips.
The crowd at the RNC was soooooooooo old. It looked like an arthritis advertisement, Tylenol must have sold out in the Twin Cities. They must have had about 100 defibrillators in the lobby at the ready.

I feel bad for Levi “Baby Daddy” Johnston. He was just trying to get some strange and ended up with a forced marriage. Will someone tell Levi and Bristol that they are allowed to cease the hand holding for a second, or did the secret service surgically attach their palms in an effort to feign true love.

I am happy Bobby Jindal escaped Guantanamo bay with Harold in time to help New Orleans brace itself against Gustav. Too bad it took Katrina for you to realize that some people in this country may need help; 3 years too late you fuck.

Not since Woody Allen slept with his adopted daughter has a man fucked something previously sacred to him like Leiberman fucked the Democratic Party this week.
Unbiased Alert: Fred Thompson should have been the nominee- great speaker and great jabs at Obama. He was the heir apparent to Reagan, not the bag of flour we call McCain. Too bad he treated the primaries like a Law and Order rehearsal.
How can independents vote McCain when the Repub base did not support him until he picked Palin?

Sarah Palin took over the convention- I felt like she was the presidential candidate, weird vibe. Why would PTA Palin castigate Obama’s experience as a community organizer? Listen here bitch- a city organizer in Chicago does a lot more than a mayor in Shitsville, Alaska. While Obama was dealing with crime- organized and otherwise, health care, and a job crisis; you were bringing in a Wal-Mart and issuing fishing licenses to toothless gold miners.

Rudy Guliani went from America’s unifying force during 9-11 to a despicable divisive force that uses that tragic event as a platform. If Guliani and Leiberman had a child the devil would have a sibling. Rudy is a wretched piece of horse shit devoid of any and all shame; if he was a prostitute he would be in airport bathrooms getting fisted while Larry Craig watched with glee. His speech was more akin to a Klan rally than to a political convention. Of course this is the Republican Party so an attempt to emulate the Klan may have been premeditated.

All the Republicans kept telling me that they were taking off their Republican hats and putting on their American hats….no wonder the deficit is what it is Bush made 10 million Republican hats and passed them around…the Democrats are fiscally responsible, I don’t have a single Dem hat.

Palin claiming that her curriculum vitae makes her ready to take over for McCain whenever he kicks the bucket housing his list is like the valedictorian of summer school trying to get admitted to Harvard.

I am not calling Palin a racist, but I wonder, since she is from a small town in Alaska- Has she ever seen a person of color prior to joining us here on the mainland? Other than the Inuits, Eskimo, and Carlos Boozer; are there any minorities in that great state?

The Repubs love to point to Palin’s 80% approval rating as an example of her infinite wisdom and as a concrete example of her power to lead- which is a valid argument to make. But let’s juxtapose that with the approval rate of the current administration- what does that say Repubs….What, you don’t think that’s relevant…..Ok, guys go back to your fantasy land of Reagan worship, war mongering, and bible thumping. Republicans are the sole reason I am happy the gun laws are so lax- it allows me the right to protect myself against their psychosis.

Every McCain sentence started with “We need to do this,” but it never told us how he planned on doing the things we needed done. More policy and less Hanoi stories; I beg you. I am truly in debt to your service and feel horrible for the pain you endured to ensure my right to write this. But how is that story going to bring me health insurance, how is that story going to keep us out of future wars, and how does that story make you more qualified than Obama. IT DOESN’T.

McCain should contract out his speeches, because he should never be permitted to stand at a lectern again. He should pay someone else to speak on his behalf, maybe Morgan Freeman, because he made me hate the English language last night. Watching McCain speak was as uncomfortable as watching a rape.
Having the evil reticence of Karl Rove analyze politics on a fair and balanced, un-biased ‘cough, cough,’ news organization like The Fox News Network is like having Jeffrey Dahmer rate restaurants for Zagat.

All this tough talk by McCain and his retinue did not leave me feeling patriotic or safe; I am worried that if they win ,we will war more. I am scared that they will lead us into another conflict that doesn’t perpetuate safety but only serves to expose the neoconservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism. This convention and the Republican Party as a whole is attempting, through politics and culture, to ensnare ordinary people in a giant web of nationhood pretending to a common interest- even though the interest are inherently uncommon.

I need a political break after these aforementioned 2 weeks. I may have to go bang a librarian to relieve some of this Sarah Palin hatred I feel. Oh yeah, did you here that Star Jones is dating a chef- a gourmet cook. Herb Wilson, the executive chef at Manhattan’s Sohoand Tribeca Grand hotels is Star’s new swain. That would be like me dating one of Patron’s daughters or Manuela Escobar.

P.S. If anyone actually reads the drivel I write please vote; because if Obama loses I will blame the entire apathetic 18-29 demograpghic while I book a one way ticket to Brazil.

Hasta

Levi- not the jeans

2008-09-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

Meet Levi Johnston, the man that sired a child with Bristol (city in England) Palin. He claimed, via his myspace page, that he is a “fuckin redneck” and that he would “kick your ass if you fucked with him.” I am going out on a limb, but I’m guessing a redneck hockey playing Alaskan probably would kick my ass since I wax my chest and listen to Enya.

I like this guy. If McCain wins I hope this guy gets a cabinet seat, maybe he could be the new secretary of homeland security relieving Michael Chertoff.

This kid has set up a Blog explaining to the world what makes him tick. I am thinking that this "honest" blog was created and written by a campaign advisor, but whatever. I did think that the comments people left for him were outrageous....and funny. So I decided to snipe them and present them here for you to read and laugh at along with me.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...
I'm the real father.
September 2, 2008 12:49 PM

Anonymous said...
Maybe you should go on Maury and take a Paternity test like all the other fucking red-necks do!
September 2, 2008 12:54 PM

Anonymous said...
If you want me to believe that this was written by an 18 y.o redneck you have got be kidding. No one in that age bracket growing up as a fish picker in the Alaskan public high school system...oh wait that's wrong..in the "alternative education" (drop out) system, is that eloquent or well-worded (for all you fish pickers that don't know what eloquent means.)Do the Republicans really think we are that dumb??????
September 2, 2008 12:55 PM

Anonymous said...
Don' talk about my babies father like that! He supplies me with the Captain Morgan's!
September 2, 2008 12:56 PM

Anonymous said...
Is that retard baby yours too?
September 2, 2008 1:07 PM

BL said...
Wait, how do you get someone pregnant if you don't have a penis? I'm calling shenanigans here Levi...
September 2, 2008 1:09 PM

The Beanweed said...
I find it sad that a lot of people are so cruel! Why does it matter if these kids had sex and got pregnant. Why does it matter that they want to get married and try to make a go of this? Isn't that what a lot of 21, 22, 23, 24 and 25 year olds end up doing? I hope this doesn't make people turn their backs on the McCain/Palin ticket. These things do not make Sara Palin a bad person or someone we shouldn't look up to. Life happens, crap happens in life, good things come out of mistakes that we human beings make. All I can say is that I hope Bristol and Levi can make a go out of marriage and have many happy years together raising their children. I hope one day that the other teens that made fun of these kids will know what it is like to have your private life and mistakes blabbed to the whole world and have to deal with the pain that they caused these kids! Levi, I commend you for stepping up to the plate and taking on being a realy family at such a young age! Bristol, I know life may be hard right now, but all of this hoopla is going tobe worth it the moment you hold that baby in your arms! Supporter of Levi and Bristol
September 2, 2008 1:18 PM

Anonymous said...
You too are so cute...be strong! Fuck the media.
September 2, 2008 1:26 PM

Anonymous said...
yes you are a redneck. a young, dumb redneck who will regret making that comment when you are old enough to realize how STUPID you sound! good luck in the real world because they are gonna eat you alive for this stuff.
September 2, 2008 1:28 PM

Anonymous said...
So, were you really taught abstinence in high school? Uh, I think you might've failed the course.
September 2, 2008 1:45 PM

Anonymous said...
Your poor kid is doomed.
September 2, 2008 1:54 PM

Anonymous said...
Gotta be fake. No 18 year old redneck in the history of the world has ever correctly used a semicolon.
September 2, 2008 2:20 PM

Anonymous said...
I don't know you. What I do know is that my heart goes out to you and your girlfriend; facing a hypocritical media, as well as a nation whose political knowledge can be compared with Lindsey Lohan's knowledge of nuclear physics. Mistakes happen. It's best to remember that how you treat people is your karma... but how they treat you is theirs. Good Luck with everything. PS. And to whomever made the comment re: fish picking and public school systems- I graduated from public school systems in a 'podunk' down in southwest Missouri. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from a top 100 business school, and if I could reveal my identity, you'd feel awfully stupid. So go ahead and vote for Obama. He needs the votes of ignorant, unlearned folks like you. Also, I find your punctuation and grammar atrocious, your rhetoric nauseating, and your awful syntax worrisome. Maybe you could take an English lesson from that po' little fish-picker.
September 2, 2008 2:26 PM

Gay Rights????

2008-09-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

Ummmmmm, is it bad that I laughed at this??

Marriage Sucks

2008-09-01T10:27:00.001-07:00

I was given this key piece of advice a couple of years back by the biggest stud known to man- Trevor.

Trevor is a 40 ish year old bartender at a local bar, so he knows something about life and love. He is has an 8th grade education but his dick is a Rhodes Scholar. The guy screws more women than the Republican party; and he told me this:

If an attractive married women wants to sleep with you and
you either have a death wish or are a trained cage fighter then what the hell do
it. Sex with a married woman will be the best sex of your life. When a married
women has an affair it is equivalent to you being in the penitentiary for 20
years and then being released and unleashing all 20 years of pressure with the
first attractive woman you see. She is choosing you to do what her husband
cannot do, and she will do to you what her husband doesn’t appreciate. But
seriously be careful because you are probably going to be killed.

AND HE WAS RIGHT!

I currently live in a life of fear, but it's worth it cause the sex is amazing. Remember how you felt when the heard the ice cream trucks tune come around the corner...well that is how I feel when I see Renee's face pop up on my phone alerting me to her incoming call.

I met Renee a couple of years back. She was married. She was as lascivious as a woman could be. In an attempt to earn extra money I began to tutor at the University for a small fee; I never thought Renee would pay me with sex in the stead of bills. I am telling you the back story to lay the foundation for our escapade a couple of weeks ago.

I was too busy and maybe too out of whack to pull some strange so I logged onto my lap top and clicked on the excel spread sheet titled SEXCAPADES. This file is a comprehensive breakdown of the women that I have bedded. I have detailed every aspect of their physical makeup as well as the circumstances of our split- amicable or despicable. I came across Renee's name and immediately wanted to cum across her face....so I called her. I had to make sure she was still down, so I sang her the Jon B "Still Down Song."

Baby are you still down(Are you still down)

Are you down for me baby

Baby are you still down(I want to lay your body down right here)

Still down for me

Baby are you still down

Still down for me

Baby are you still down(Baby you belong to me)

Still down for me

Baby are you still down

Still down for me

Baby are you still down(Are you lonely out there, alright)

Still down for me

Baby are you still down(Come on right away now baby)

Still down for me

Baby are you still down(I want you, do you want me to)

Still down for me

Baby are you still down(So on and on and on and on)

Still down for me

Baby are you still down

Still down for me

Baby are you still down

Are you still down for me

Baby are you still down

Still down for me

You still down for me?

I wonder what happened to Jon B.....do you think him and Snow opened up a Skating Rink in Florida....or do they sell insurance in The Napa Valley....I wonder.

So Renee popped over. She lives an hour and a half away which at least gives me the feeling of safety by proximity. We proceeded to fuck inside my house and then she blew me inside the Italian leather confine of her husband's porche.

I am relaying this story to you by way of the web to further illustrate why the holy union is neither holy nor unifying. Marriage has gone the way of the Dodo bird. Renee told me that her biggest regret is not having more sex prior to marrying the "man of her dreams." She cheats on a relatively successful man- he is also a good looking guy- I don't get it. I realize that fucking a married women doesn't make me a bastion of good judgment or sound morals, but I feel it speaks even less of the married woman's scruples.

So this is just another example in a long line of examples against ever walking the real walk of shame- down a Church aisle to marry a woman that loathes monogamy just as much as I do.

10 Things I Learned From The Convention

2008-08-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

10- Michelle Obama is a better speaker than I thought.We should have a Hillary and Michelle ticket in 8 years. White and Black equals bitch attack. It would be the most formidable mixed race partnership since Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. With Hilla's pants suit army and Michelle's minolo army boots the Republicans may concede just to avoid the cascade of Ivy League PMS fueled bombardment.
9- The 18 millions cracks in the ceiling that Hillary created must have all been made by her face- jeez. High Def TV was not made for the Yale grad.
8- The Obama daughters should get their own show on The Disney channel. Miley Cyrus and Raven Symone couldn't hold a candle to the two girls. It's like they were made of pixie sticks they were so sweet. Now onto my honest opinion- don't ever give a child the microphone during a convention- ever- Republican or Democratic.
7- Keith Olbermann is passionate. But his passion is slowly starting to smell of vinegar.So maybe tune it down a bit before you become a full blown douche on par with the other media types I, and the American public loathe.
6- I am in love with Rachel Maddow.
5- Nancy Pelosi is a GILF.
4- I still wish that Obama would have chosen Hilla the Hun as his running mate. That woman garnered 18 million votes and she gave a speech worthy of a Clinton. Her speech actually overshadowed Bill's. I am on board with Biden, but Hilla was my choice.
3- How the fuck did Gore screw up the 200 election? God damn it!!! That fucker royally screwed the pooch, kitten, and house maid by not being himself and not attaching himself to Bill's teet. Watching Gore loose and relaxed and delivering a nice speech actually angered me. I am mad because instead of a seemingly competent man- Gore- we received an incompetent dolt- Bush.
2- Have you ever run into an old girlfriend that you hadn't thought of in a long time, but once her image is re-imprinted upon your retina you recall how much you loved her? That is how I felt when Clinton appeared on stage.

O Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton, wherefore art thou Bubba?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name;

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love

1- If Obama is not sworn in as our next president I may have to shoot myself in the kneecap in an attempt to divert the anguish and pain I feel over the loss to the ache in my knee. I am beginning to dry heave just thinking about Johnny Mac taking the oath. I may go out today and buy a Bible, Torah, and Koran and pray to all three for an Obama victory.

Sarah Palin

2008-08-29T08:16:00.001-07:00

I may be a republican....

Johnny Mac has chosen Sarah Palin as his VEEP.

I have chosen Sarah Palin as my new political crush. She is a MILF and a governor and a tightly wound republican- HOTNESS.

I feel like Joe Biden is going to verbally rape her during the debates but she may give him a chubby as come back.

We also know now that McCain is making oil drilling his mantra. I mean how are we supposed to question his choice to drill in the ANWR when the Governor of Alaska is down for the drilling.

Well played Johnny Mac.

My Fall Movie Pre-Review

2008-08-27T05:19:00.000-07:00

If you are one of my loyal 15 readers then you for sure know that I am a cina-phile. I love the movies, not just the pornos. I dig summer blockbusters, but the real movies come out in the Fall, and that is where my teeth are cut.

I found this article on ZAP2IT, that gave a brief synopsis of the Fall releases. As I happily clicked through the 56 "previews," I made some mental notes and analysis based just on the very superficial descriptions I had. So I thought I would provide you with some instant analysis, based on nothing more than the pics you see below and the cliffs notes to the left of the photos.

This will be exactly like reading an Ebert movie review, if Ebert never actually saw the movie, and was smoking a fat spliff while typing.

Plus if you read through this you will have successfully wasted 20-25 minutes of your time at work; so you got that going for you.

Here we go bitches:

Hamlet

A failed actor turned drama teacher attempts to rally his students by writing a politically incorrect musical sequel to 'Hamlet.'

Stars: Steve Coogan, Catherine Keener, Amy Poehler, David Arquette and Elisabeth Shue

This movie feels like that quirky Little Miss Sunshine, Juno movie that all the critics will for sure hail as a groundbreaking cinematic adventure. I will probably sit this one out, since I like the original Hamlet. The only thing that may change my mind is if Catherine Keener gets naked. A naked Keener and some jokes will equal Einstein in the theatre.

Traitor

A special operative working with a terrorist group becomes the target of the CIA.

Stars: Guy Pearce, Don Cheadle, Neal McDonough, Jeff Daniels

BO-RING. I feel like this movie comes out 10 times a year. I am not in the mood for a psychological thriller; unless of course they re-release Brad Pitt's Kalifornia. That movie was amazing. That was my first Juliette Lewis film; and she can play a white trash retarded person better than any other actor alive. I am straying way off topic at this point, which shows you how interesting this movie sounds to me.

Oh yeah, why would you show Guy Pierce in lieu of Don Cheadle on the advertising photo. I mean everyone knows Cheadle, I thought Guy Pierce was Madonna's husband until I googled him

Babylon A.D.

A mercenary is hired to transport a mysterious young woman from post-apocalyptic Eastern Europe to the megalopolis of New York City.

Stars: Vin Deisel, Michelle Yeoh, Gerard Depardieu, Charlotte Rampling, and Melanie Thierry

I will never watch a movie that features Vin Deisel and a bullet proof vest. It's like another Jenna Jameson porno, it's been done. How much further can you stretch it, ahem I'm not talking Jenna's vag, I'm referring to Vin's movie plot outlines.

College

A high school senior's friends drag him to freshmen orientation at Fairmont University, where he meets the rowdiest fraternity on campus.

Stars: Drake Bell, Andrew Caldwell, Kevin Covais, Nick Zano and Zach Cregger

Movie's in the mold of American Pie or Van Wilder should try not to anger the patrons before actually viewing their film. What I need from these movies is at least one funny looking guy- aka Stifler or the Indian guy in Van Wilder- but just from the pic above I hate this movie. I hate those 3 actors; they just look like the type of guys I would despise. The white guy at the left looks like Chicken Little, the middle guy looks like Samantha Ronson, and I am grossed out by the chubby kids side boob- puke.

Disaster Movie

During one fateful night, a group of attractive 20-somethings must dodge a series of man-made and natural disasters.

Stars: Carmen Electra, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Ari Parker, Vanessa Minnillo and Matt Lanter

I don't want to watch this movie either, but I will. Wanna know why? Ok, I'll tell you. The guys I buy pot from love these movies, and all the Bean movies- weirdos. So in 2 weeks when this movie comes out on DVD and I run out of pot this movie and I will meet at a crossroads. I will be at my dealer's house and they will be playing this movie on a constant loop, and then they will proposition me:

"Yo, help us smoke this jay before you float on"

And I will oblige them- it's free pot! Once the jay is gone we will order pizza and I will be entrenched in my seat laughing at the shitty ass "Disaster Movie."

The only saving grace of this movie is that it keeps Carmen Electra relevant; and I love a relevant Carmen Electra.

Bangkok Dangerous

A hitman in Bangkok falls for a local woman. Remake of the 1999 Thai thriller.

Stars: Nicolas Cage, James With, Charlie Yeung

Bangkok Stupid.

Nic Cage grosses me out. I think that Cage is actually dead and they have been dubbing in old lines and using his wax figure from Madam Tussaud's museum.

Burn After Reading

Gym employees try to sell the stolen memoirs of a CIA agent in this Coen brothers film.

Stars: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich and Frances McDormand

Yippee, this is our first Einstein approved film. At this point in time The Coen brothers could film 2 girls 1 cup-The Sequel, and I would watch. They could do a romantic comedy with Carrot Top and Amy Winehouse and I would be in the front row.

Unless everyone royally mailed it in with this film it can not not be great. Look at the cast! Look at the directors!

Jeez, this must be what John Madden feels like in Brett Favre's presence.

Assassination of a High School President

Facchini ( Mischa Barton) solicits sophomore newspaper reporter Bobby Funke's (Reece Thompson) help tracking down a set of stolen SATs. After he fingers the school president, Funke becomes popular. But as Funke’s popularity grows so do his suspicions. Did the president really steal the SATs?

Stars: Mischa Barton, Bruce Willis

Why is Misha Barton listed as a star of the movie? That is a tad bit presumptuous isn't it.

Oh my someone stole the SATs, and a sordid tale of mystery follows. NOT

Ha, I just used a "not" joke in a column; now I can check that off the list. Next up on the list is banging a Japanese girl.......ummm anyways.

Why even write this as the synopsis, it sounds shitty as hell. They should write up a fake synopsis to get people into the theatres. The viewers will be furious when a completely different movie appears, but at least you would sell some tickets; because no one is going to watch this shiteous mess.

Righteous Kill

Two veteran New York City homicide detectives reconsider a case they thought closed after a similar murder takes place.

Stars: Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Carla Gugino, John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg

DeNiro- check
Pacino- check
John Legusdouiiizamo- check
A New Kid On The Block- check

This movie meets all the necessary qualifications. This is a winner. I am sure we will be treated to the patented Pacino rant and the DeNiro "I'm gonna fuckin kill you" look. God, I can't wait.

One more thing- does anyone hate John Leguaadfsdjfhkljzamo- no. He is like sprinkles on top of ice cream- not needed, but a definite plus.

The Family that Preys

The matriarchs of two radically different families work together to deal with their children's poor life choices.

Stars: Tyler Perry, Kathy Bates, Alfre Woodard, Cole Hauser and Sanaa Lathan

I'll be honest with you, I did not read the Zap2It movie description. This Sexy Einstein analysis is based strictly on the picture.

This movie sucks.

The Women

A wealthy New York woman leaves her cheating husband and regroups with female friends at a resort.

Stars: Meg Ryan, Eva Mendes, Carrie Fisher, Bette Midler, Jada Pinkett-Smith

I'll be honest with you, I did not read the Zap2It blurb for this flick either. This Sexy Einstein analysis is based strictly on the movie's title. Although I am ecstatic that Meg Ryan is hot again; her's one ass hole I wouldn't oppose licking.

But I am going to skip out on this 2 hour long menstrual cycle.

Ghost Town

Bertram Pincus is dead for seven minutes before he is miraculously revived, and suddenly able to see ghosts all around him.

Stars: Ricky Gervais, Tea Leoni, Greg Kinnear, Bill Campbell and Alan Ruck

See, this picture works for me- an appalled British guy- HA. The movie is for sure gonna suck but I laughed at the picture. I am guessing that that is the only laugh this movie is going to get from me.

Igor

An evil scientist's hunch-backed lab assistant dreams of becoming a mad scientist himself. Animated.

Stars: John Cusack, Jeremy Piven, Steve Buscemi, John Cleese and Jennifer Coolidge

I would watch this movie, but I can't, at least not in any movie theatre. I can't ask any of my friends to accompany me to this movie, or else they may come to the conclusion that I'm a fancy boy, and I can't go alone or else the mom's in the theatre with their kids will assume I'm a pedophile.

Not good times.

Lakeview Terrace

A tightly-wound LAPD officer begins harassing his new neighbors because he disapproves of their interracial relationship.

Stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Patrick Wilson, Kerry Washington, Regine Nehy and Jaishon Fisher

Whoa, Samuel L. Jackson is pissed off- surprise surprise. The only way this movie is gettin watched is if Dave Chappelle shows up hawking Sam Jackson Beer- Mm Mm Bitch.

My Best Friend's Girl

A man is asked to take his best friend's ex on a terrible date in order to show the girl how great the friend was in comparison.

Stars: Kate Hudson, Dane Cook, Lizzy Caplan, Alec Baldwin and Jason Biggs

Didn't Kate Hudson just make this movie with Matt McConaughey, TWICE.

I will be honest, I laughed at Dane Cook, the comedian, up until his second CD; but who keeps green lighting his projects. He is to the movies what Creed was to music. He is to the movies what OJ Simpson is to the judicial system. He is to the movies what Amy Winehouse is to sobriety.

I have more.

He is to the movies what......what....ok I don't have any more. Sorry.

Anyways, this movie sucks.

Eagle Eye

A single mom and a young man are framed as terrorists and become part of a cell planning to carry out a high profile assassination.

Stars: Shia LeBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson, Ethan Embry and Billy Bob Thornton

Am I allowed as a hetero man to like Shia LeBeouf, cause I do. I am teetering on the edge with this film. Eh fuck it, I think it'll be alright, you know why? Cause Shia grew out the goatee for his part. That is an actor; he is completely becoming one with his character.

Just Kidding.

I want to see Rosario Dawson. I thought she had died until I read her name in this movie.

The Miracle at St. Anna

The story of four African-American soldiers who are trapped in a Tuscan village during WWII.

Stars: Laz Alonso, Omar Benson Miller, Michael Ealy, Derek Luke and John Turturro.

This is a true story about an all black infantry during WWII; and it is directed by Spike Lee. I have a feeling that this movie will be recognized on Oscar night, either by the Oscar academy or by Spike Lee protesting outside the awards show due to his perceived racist slight.

The Lucky Ones

The Lucky Ones is a story about three soldiers on leave trying to make sense of their lives during an unexpected road trip across the United States.

Stars: Rachel McAdams, Tim Robbins, Michael Pena

This is in no way a condemnation of our troops, bbbbbbbbut; there are no female soldiers that look like Rachel McAdams. If there were I swear on the red, white, and blue that I will quit my job and ship out to Baghdad tommorrow morning.

I wish the synopsis of this movie was a tad bit more descriptive. How are these soldiers attempting to explain their lot in life?

Are they on a murder spree?

Are they going to a hotel room to gang bang McAdams?

Will they knock on the doors of the White House and request a meeting with Bush?

Do they buy a bus and form a bluegrass trio?

Are they gonna meet up with the black guys from the last movie and have a dance off?

AHHHHHHHHHHH, I need more info!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nights in Rodanthe

A doctor visiting his estranged son finds romance with an unhappily married woman in a small North Carolina town.

Stars: Richard Gere, Diane Lane, James Franco, Christopher Meloni and Mae Whitman

Have you ever been to a restaurant and ordered a Filet Mignon...no...yeah me neither. Ok; have you ever gone to a restaurant and ordered a cheap strip steak and when it arrived it was covered with gross ass gravy and chives and crunchy onion shavings. The steak was ruined for all intensive purposes.

Diane Lane is that steak, and Gere is the junk on the steak.

I'm not eating this movie.

Choke

A sex-addicted med-school dropout keeps his deranged mother in an expensive private medical hospital by working days as a historical reenactor at a theme park. At night, he runs a scam by deliberately choking in upscale restaurants to form parasitic relationships with the wealthy patrons who “save” him.

Stars: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, Brad William Henke

From the picture alone it looks like the medievil Brokeback Mountain, but then I read the blurb. This sounds twisted enough to be pretty good. It may be a good thing that I recognize 1 out of the 4 "star's" names; you knwo lowered expectations reep higher yeilds.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

When a pampered Beverly Hills pooch gets lost in Mexico, it will take a motley crew of dogs to come to her aid to bring her home.

Stars: Drew Barrymore, Jamie Lee Curtis, Placido Domingo, Cheech Marin, Andy Garcia, George Lopez

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all whose idea was this?

Second of all why the hell is Godfather III, Andy Garcia, in this flick. Did he lose all his money in a South American cockfight?

HA, that joke was funny, cause it was racist.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

Sidney Young (Simon Pegg), a smalltime, bumbling, British celebrity journalist is hired by an upscale magazine in New York City. He enters high society and burns bridges with bosses, peers and superstars.

Stars: Simon Pegg, Megan Fox, Kirsten Dunst, Gillian Anderson, Jeff Bridges

Simon Pegg should officially change his name to The Bumbling Simon Pegg; I think it's time. I am not going to watch this movie....but what I am going to do it crop Pegg out of this photo and take a small break with Megan Fox.

Why would Dunst take this role? She is already borderline ugly; but in a movie with Megan Fox her lack of aestethic splendor shows through like the sun on a cloudy day. I mean, everytime she is in a scene with Fox, she has to be seething; why would her agent even approach her with this idea. It would be like: hey Sexy Einstein, we know you love soccer, do you wanna play on a team competing with a team featuring David Beckham....

"Ummmm, can I just watch?"

Religulous

Religulous follows Bill Maher as he travels around the globe interviewing people about God and religion.

Stars: Bill Maher

I am steadfast in my religous beleif of no beleif; so I feel like Bill Maher created this movie for me. The Blonde girl I was banging, Leggy Blonde, is apparently super religous, so I may take her to this movie; to piss her off. This movie will probably be seen by no one, but will garner a whole bunch of positive press; like the movie "The Aristocrats."

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Two people are thrust together for a sleepless night of adventure in a world of mix tapes, late-night living, and, live, loud music -- one nurses a broken heart, the other is questioning all assumptions about the world.

Stars: Michael Cera, Kat Dennings

I am a huge Michael Cera fan. He is the quintessential, sympathetic, awkward, and out of place teenager. I have been a fan since Arrested Development, which is why I am going to pretend this movie never happened. I don't want his welcome to become overstayed. And why is that chick in the pic so ugly; is it just me or does she have a little Cyrano in her (google that). I don't go to the movies to see ugly people, if I wanted to do that I would go to DONTBECHI.COM....hello there Mica.

The Express

Born in poverty, Ernie Davis overcomes many obstacles to get into Syracuse University's football program. Under the guidance of Coach Ben Schwartzwalder, Davis becomes one of Syracuse's best players, surpassing even Jim Brown's achievements. In 1961, Davis becomes the first black player to win the prestigious Heisman Trophy.

Stars: Dennis Quaid, Rob Brown, Clancy Brown, Charles S. Dutton

Yippee, a story about a black athlete overcoming barriers aplenty. This movie could be good, if you replaced the whole cast with people I knew. Other than Quaid and Dutton I recognize none of the names; and since the story in a tad played out I will be a tad at home.

Appaloosa

The arrival of an attractive widow complicates the attempts of two lawmen to bring a malevolent rancher to justice.

Stars: Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons

I used to hate westerns, because the patriarch of the foster homes I stayed at as a youth loved John Wayne like it was his job. I hated that guy because he drank and smoked and then yelled at me when I ate glue; ass. But then I saw 3:10 To Yuma on accident and loved it. When I say accident, I mean I had just had sex and the bitch wanted to cuddle; and I can't sleep while cuddling so I watched 3:10 To Yuma on HBO until I could scrape her off of me. Suffice to say I am excited about this movie. I am also very excited to try and discern between Reneee and Jermy Irons, seeing as they are both "weathered." Renee is nasty, her face is so beaten it looks like she drives a car with no windsheild.

Blindness

After an entire town is struck with a mysterious case of blindness, the lone sighted resident feigns illness so that she stay with her husband.

Stars: Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Gael Garcia Bernal, Danny Glover and Alice Braga

I think Julianne Moore is a fine peice of ass.

Gael Garcia Bernal played Che in "Motorcycle Diaries."

Mark Ruffalo has curly hair like me.

Those are the only reasons I could come up with for watching this flick.

But I am watching it....probably stoned cause I feel like I would have to be, to really focus on this flick.

Body of Lies

A CIA operative tries to infiltrate a terrorist cell, but he soon begins to wonder about the loyalties of those who are giving the orders.

Stars: Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe

Didn't Don Cheadle make this movie earlier on this list. Hmmmm, so this is a CIA operative race war between Don and Leo.

I'm going with the Leo flick, not because I'm racist, but because I prefer white people.

Joking

Quarantine

A television reporter and her cameraman are assigned to work a routine 911 call at an apartment building, but they soon learn that a woman living in the building has been infected by something unknown.

Stars: Jennifer Carpenter, Johnathon Schaech, Greg Germann, Steve Harris, Jay Hernandez

Can't wait to watch this one.

I will play for your tickets to go to this movie is you can id any of the actors in this flick. Going to this movie would be like going to an NBA game where the coaches let all the white guys play- IT WOULD BE SENSELESS.

Max Payne

Coming together to solve a series of murders in New York City are a DEA agent whose family was slain as part of a conspiracy and an assassin out to avenge her sister's death. The duo will be hunted by the police, the mob, and a ruthless corporation. Film is based on the wildly successful video game.

Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges, Ludacris

Mila Kunis is bangin, but she is dating the kid from Home Alone. I have a leather coat exactly like the one Wahlberg is wearing in this pic; does that make me Max Payne.

Doesn't Max Payne sound like a great window company. If Max Payne windows isn't already trademarked remind to do so.

Flash of Genius

When college professor and part-time inventor Robert Kearns develops an intermittent windshield wiper, he believes he, his wife and their children will be set for life. Though the invention is a big hit with automakers in 1960s Detroit, Kearns himself is forced out of the picture. Determined to collect the recognition and financial reward due him, Kearns wages a long, arduous legal battle against the auto industry.

Stars: Greg Kinnear, Lauren Graham, Dermot Mulroney, Alan Alda

I am not going to watch this movie, but I will watch the porno remake "Flash of 'Gina."

W.

Whether you love him or hate him, there is no question that George W. Bush is one of the most controversial public figures in recent memory. Director Oliver Stone is bringing the life of our 43rd President to the big screen as only he can.

Stars: Josh Brolin, Richard Dreyfuss, Thandie Newton, James Cromwell, Scott Glenn

Must you even ask. I have been waiting for crazy ass Oliver Stone to come back into my life and he brought me this. Hell yes. W, is my most anticipated Fall flick. I am going to watch this once sober and once on a 3 day cocaine bender- in honor of still president Bush.

I hope Thandie Newton isn't playing Condi Rice, 'cause any horse's ass could play Condi; they are wasting Thandie. Oh yeah by horse's ass, I literally meant a horse's ass- Condi is one ugly deplorable human being. I would rather circumsize my own cock than see her naked.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

High school seniors Troy and Gabriella face the prospect of being separated from one another as they head off in different directions to college. Joined by the rest of the Wildcats, they stage an elaborate spring musical reflecting their experiences, hopes and fears about their future.

Stars: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Corbin Bleu, Monique Coleman

Why are these Highschoolers older than me? If the Republican party hated gay things so much why the fuck is this crappy movie series still going on?

Passengers

After a plane crash, a therapist, Claire ( Anne Hathaway), is assigned by her mentor (Andre Braugher) to counsel the flight's five survivors. When the survivors begin to disappear mysteriously, she becomes determined to uncover the truth.

Stars: Anne Hathaway, Andre Braugher, Patrick Wilson

I am not going to watch this Anne Hathaway movie; or any Anne Hathaway movie. I saw The Devil Wears Prada and left with a headache. I cannot figure out if this woman is attractive or not. This topic has racked my brain.

They should do a movie determing the sexiness of Anne Hathaway starring Anne Hathaway. In the Prada movie she would look hot one minute and like my big toe the next. I couldn't tell whether to be turned on or to become a homesexual.

Pride and Glory

A detective must investigate allegations of corruption at his older brother's precinct.

Stars: Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, Noah Emmerich, Jennifer Ehle, Lake Bell, and Jon Voight

Did Ed Norton's Hulk movie come out already?

It did, wow...was it good...No...damn that sucks.

I will fo sho watch this flick since I have a man crush on Colin and I will always like Norton for bringing to life one of my fave books- FIGHT CLUB.

I'm hoping that prima donna Norton plays the corrupt cop- cause he plays corrupt so well.

When I was younger and I heard people say the word 'Prima Donna' I thought they were saying "Pre-Madonna." I was amazed that people were being measured on an artificial Madonna timeline. I have no joke here, but I am glad that we don't measure things in an arbitrary Madonna time line.

Saw V

Hoffman is seemingly the last person alive to carry on the Jigsaw legacy. But when his secret is threatened, Hoffman must go on the hunt to eliminate all loose ends.

Stars: Meagan Good, Julie Benz, Scott Patterson, Costas Mandylor

When the fuck was Saw 2, 3, or 4. Have I been so stoned that I just glossed over the newest member into the pantheon of horror films.

I will not be seeing this movie since the poster alone made me wet myself a tad bit.

Changeling

Christine Collins' prayers are met when her kidnapped son is returned. But amidst the frenzy of the photo-op reunion, she realizes this child is not hers. Facing corrupt police and a skeptical public, she desperately hunts for answers, only to be confronted by a truth that will change her forever. Clint Eastwood directs the film that is based on a true story.

Stars: Angelina Jolie, John Malkovich, Jeffrey Donovan

I bet Angelina gets and Oscar for this role. I also bet that I will develop a boner while watching this movie.

In all seriousness, if Clint Eastwood makes it I will watch it. I remember when I felt that way about Jenna Jameson.

RocknRolla

When a Russian mobster orchestrates a crooked land deal, millions of dollars are up for grabs and all of London's criminal underworld wants in on the action.

Stars: Jeremy Piven, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton

This looks like one of those MTV original films that will air and re-air on the former music chanell 10,000 times until I have seen enough bits and peices to recreate the whole movie in my mind.

I think Luda had become the go to rapper when directors want to add street cred to one of their projects. I wonder who the next rapper to make the jump will be. I am going with Jesse McCartney- he has more street cred that a Lil Wayne mix tape.

I’m leavin', never to come back again

You found somebody who does it better than he can

No more making you cry, no more them gray skies

Girl we flying on that G-5, G-5

And we're leavin', never to come back again

So call your shorty and tell him you found a new man

The one that so, so fly

The one that keep you high

Have you singing all night like,

like Oooh oooh oooh (oh) Oooh oooh

Man she gon' be singing (she gon' be singing like) Oooh oooh oooh Oooh oooh

HA- try to get that song out of your head now.

I secretly love that song, so I am ok with it in my head.

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

To leave Madagascar, the New Yorkers use an old crashed plane to make it to the wildest place of all—the vast plains of Africa.

Stars: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jada Pinkett Smith

If this wasn't a cartoon and had that cast I would be in the front row; but since it doesn't then I won't.

Quantum of Solace

"Quantum of Solace" continues James Bond adventures in "Casino Royale." Betrayed by Vesper, 007 fights the urge to make his latest mission personal.

Stars: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Jeffrey Wright, Giancarlo Giannini

Daniel Craig is the manliest British guy I have seen since Margaret Thatcher.

But I quit The Bond series when I found out it wasn't a true story; sorry 007.

Repo! The Genetic Opera

An epidemic of organ failures devastates the planet. GeneCo, a biotech company offers organ transplants for a price. Those who miss their payments are scheduled for repossession and hunted by villainous Repo Men.

Stars: Anthony Head, Paul Sorvino, Paris Hilton

I am not watching this movie unless they actually kill Paris Hilton during the show. Is that too much to ask- I mean hasn't her reign of terror run its course yet? We bitch about North Korea, China, and The Middle East; but Paris is the biggest harbinger on the happiness of the American psyche since Joseph Mcarthy.

Australia

Prior to World War II, an English aristocrat inherits a ranch the size of Maryland. When English cattle barons plot to take it, she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn cattle driver to drive 2000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles, only to face the bombing of Darwin, Australia by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor months earlier.

Stars: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, Bryan Brown

2 good looking Aussies in a movie entitled Australia- what a stretch. I wrote in my memoirs that I had never seen a movie about cattle herders so unless I want to rewrite my memoirs I am going to have to begrudgingly skip this show.

Is there anything manlier than Hugh Jackman on a horse? (Sigh)

Nothing Like the Holidays

It’s Christmas time and the Rodriguez family is converging at their parents’ home in Chicago to celebrate and rejoice in their youngest brother’s safe return from combat overseas, and it all begins when the mother of the clan announces to her children she is divorcing their father.

Stars: John Leguizamo, Freddy Rodriguez, Debra Messing, Alfred Molina

One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn't belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song?

Leguizamo, Rodriguez, Molina, and Messing- 3 Latinos and a white chick. Sounds like a Pit Bull video.

I love John Leguiasdlkfs;ljkhljkzamo and I used to think Messing was hot, but I am not satisfied with the simple ass story line.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

The sixth film of eight in the Potter series, lets us meet a young Voldemort, with Harry ( Daniel Radcliffe) set to battle against enemies both within and outside Hogwarts school.

Stars: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Julie Walters, Helena Bonham Carter

Couldn't they have united this movie with the High School Musical movie and saved us all some time and money. Would anyone be opposed to seeing Zac Efron and Harry Potter duel it out in a magic spell off. They could also have a Vanessa Hudgens and Harry Potter sex scene since we've already witnessed both of their naked bodies.

The Soloist

A journalist discovers a former classical music prodigy, playing his violin on the streets of L.A. As he endeavors to help the homeless man find his way back, a unique friendship is formed.

Stars: Jamie Foxx, Robert Downey Jr, Lisa Gay Hamilton, Catherine Keener

Read this and you may become enamored with this film. I am geeked that jamie Foxx may get another Oscar nod and I am just as geeked that drug addict Robert Downey Jr. is slowly becoming our best actor. If I could pick the career path of anyman I would choose George Clooney and then if I had a second choice I would pick Downey Jr.

Bolt

Bolt, the star of a hit TV show, is accidentally shipped cross country from his owner. Now the dog, who thinks all his on-screen feats and powers are real, must get back home with a little help from some new friends.

Stars: John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Sussie Essman, Mark Walton

I didn't think this movie had any appeal what so ever; but then the 18 year old I'm currently getting head from requested my presence and accompaniment while she watched this movie. I think she's a Miley Cyrus fan....I need to get a new girlfriend.

Four Christmases

When their plans for an exotic vacation fall apart, unmarried couple Brad and Kate must spend Christmas Day trudging back and forth to a quartet of family get-togethers. While Brad counts the hours till he can escape the onslaught of crazy relatives, Kate begins to wonder about her own choices and ponders whether her family members are so crazy after all.

Stars: Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon, Kristin Chenoweth, Robert Duvall, Jon Favreau, Dwight Yoakam, Tim McGraw, Jon Voight, and Sissy Spacek

I had this buddy, Matt Groce, who may have been the greatest human being I have ever met. A group of friends and I met him at the bar one night- he was with about a dozen girls and since we were with none we had to befriend the guy. He and his ladies came back to my place and we partied all night; and he was cooler than the other side of the pillow. It happened to be a Saturday night and we passed out at about 4 am. The next morning- Sunday- my roomate and I were in our pajamas at about 1:30 watching NFL football and we heard a knock at our window. Matt had climbed up the fire escape and came bearing gifts. He came with a 24 pack of Coors and a couple blunts. not since frankincense and mur have gifts meant so much. The guy was down for a good time at all times.

I relay this story because I feel like Vince Vaughn would be exactly like Matt. I feel bad hating this movie because I feel like I actually know Vince Vaughn. What a shame.

Punisher: War Zone

Waging his one-man war on the world of organized crime, Frank Castle sets his sights on mob boss, Billy Russoti. After Russoti is left horribly disfigured by Castle, he sets out for vengeance under his new alias: Jigsaw. Frank must stand up to the army that Jigsaw has recruited.

Stars: Dominic West, Julie Benz, Wayne Knight, Ray Stevenson, Colin Salmon

The only thing The Punisher will punish is the retinas of the viewers. Why pay 12 bucks to go watch this shit-flick, when you could go to the video store and rent any Jean Claude Van-Damme movie for a dollar, and spend the rest of the money on a pizza. Damn I am famished...

I make zero money off this wonderful blog, and I have no aspirations for money; but if I can somehow finagle some free food out of this I would love it. If any cooks or restaurateurs read this throw me a bone; or a steak.

Twilight

Based on the best-selling book series, "Twilight" follows high-school student Bella Swan, a bit of a misfit, who meets Edward Cullen, a handsome vampire whose family does not drink human blood. Bella, far from being frightened, enters into a passionate but dangerous romance with her immortal soulmate.

Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, and Peter Facinelli

This is our requisite emo film of the year. The only positive thing I can say about this film is that one of the stars, ahem, actors in this is Peter Facinelli; and he is married to Jenny Garth.

I have no idea what the relvance of that little bit of info is, but I felt like the emo's and goth's would put a curse on me had I eviscerated this film.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

This remake of the 1951 classic sci-fi film features an alien visitor and his giant robot counterpart who visit Earth.

Stars: Keanu Reeves, Kathy Bates, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith

Is Keanu Reeves gay? Has his sexuality ever been validated at straight or sweet? The only way this movie is any good is if Keanu's wooden ass plays the robot. That would be the most appropriate casting in hollywood since Woody Allen played the role of child abusing daughter marrier....What;.......Woody never played that part in a movie....oh, well disregard that last comment.

Yes Man

A man who always says no to everything, finally starts saying yes to the world that he's denied.

Stars: Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel

Remember when Jim Carrey was funny...yeah me too. I loved Eternal Sunshine, but for the love of comedy please give us one funny movie for every 3 artsy fartsy movies. I didn't see The Number 23, but this has to be better than that.

And Zooey Deshanel sound like the nerdy fat girl that sat by herself during lunch and read the ingredients in her lunchable.

Bedtime Stories

A hotel handyman ( Adam Sandler) has his life turned upside down when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to come true.

Stars: Adam Sandler, Keri Russell, Guy Pearce, Lucy Lawless, Aisha Tyler, Jonathan Pryce, Courteney Cox

You know why they really called this movie bedtime stories.....because if you watch it you actually fall asleep during it.

HAHAHA

Thank you, thank you

If you were Adam Sandler and you were a millionare many times over why not throw caution to the wind and throw a time-stopping remote in every movie a la Click- with utter disregard for the subject matter.

Coming Soon: Adam Sandler in a civil war movie...featuring the remote from click.

Coming Soon: Adam Sandler in a remake of The Godfather, featuring the remote from click.

Now those are movies I would wacth.

Frost/Nixon

In 1977, three years after the Watergate scandal that ended his presidency, Richard Nixon selects British TV personality David Frost to conduct a one-on-one, exclusive interview. The film is based on the play by Peter Morgan.

Stars: Michael Sheen, Frank Langella, Kevin Bacon, Sam Rockwell

We should all watch this movie in order to juxtapose the worst president of all time, Bush, with the 2nd worst, Nixon.

Funny how they're both Republicans.

Not funny, appropriate.

The Spirit

Frank Miller adapts the classic Will Eisner comic of a former rookie cop who returns mysteriously from the dead as the Spirit to fight crime from the shadows of Central City. His arch-enemy, the Octopus,has a different mission: he’s going to wipe out Spirit's beloved city as he pursues his own version of immortality.

Stars: Gabriel Macht, Samuel Jackson, Eva Mendes, Scarlett Johansson, Dan Lauria

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Samuel L. Jackson is mad again. This movie looks mad whack y'all.

I will watch this movie if Scarlett Johanssen makes out with Eva Mendes a la her make out scene with Penelope Cruz.

Is the octupus in this movie the same octupus from the spider man flick? And who decided that an octupus was scary, cause I sure don't fear an octupus. What about a piranha, I'm scared of those little guys. Or a termite; they can destroy homes!

Instead of an octupus they should have had the antagonist dress up in a John McCain mask- AHHHHHHH; that would be a killa.

Taken

A retired spy uses his old skills to rescue his estranged daughter from the underground slave trade.

Stars: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Xander Berkely and Katie Cassidy

Have you noticed that there are a shit load of spy and espionage movies out this year. The movies ussually reflect the times, so does that mean that there are a shit ton of spies out there. I am aware that the government spies on most of our emails and phone calls but the number of spy flicks Hollywood is coming out with has me really concerned. I mean, what if I know a spy, what if my dealers are spies, what if my dog has been wired this whole time......this new dope I'm smoking really has me paranoid as hell. I have to go shower.

When I first started to get stoned I had a couple bad pot experiences and I tried to shower away the high. It never worked. I have a masters degree and at one point I thought a cold shower could de-contaminate my system of THC. What's more disturbing, is that there was a time in my life when I ran away from a high- weird.

Valkyrie

Germany's Col. Claus von Stauffenberg leads a plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler.

Stars: Tom Cruise, Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Eddie Izzard, Terence Stamp

I have made my love of all things Cruise very clear. So I am hella happy for this movie to end our list. What better way to reignite your career than to try and kill Hitler in your film. Unless Cruise mails it in worse than Coldplay on their latest album, this movie will kick your ass.

I hope I had zero effect on your movie going at all- cause my opinion is laced in dope and nonsensical bravado.

But I do hope I made you look at the movies from my blood shot vantage point.

Madonna and McCain

2008-08-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

During one of her played out concerts old ass Madonna played some old ass song and flashed images of McCain and tied together images of Hitler, Mugabe, global warming and destruction.

She also tied together images of Obama, Ghandi, Gore, Lennon, and laughing children.

Every time I cease to be sexually attracted to Madonna she goes and does something like this, and completely redeems herself.

I do think she went too far, but fuck it, Thomas Jefferson called John Adams a hermaphrodite, so all it fair.

Ok, so maybe not everything is fair, but this is alright.

Ok, this is not alright, but since it bashes McCain, I am turning a blind eye to it. This is like being a parent to the town bully; you are not totally behind it, but you're glad your kid is kicking the ass and not hiding in the monkey bars.

Daddy Yankee

2008-08-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Peurto Rican one hit wonder Daddy Yankee has thrown his support behind Johnny Mac, ahem, your move Ricky Martin.

Damn it, I love that fuckin song. here's the video of Daddy's,I can't call another man Daddy, here is Mr. Yankee's support video. Watch the part where McCain whores Yankee out to the crowd.

A white guy prostituting a person of color, it seems so natural to the Mac man.

BREAKING NEWS

2008-08-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

Obama chooses Biden as his running mate....you heard it here first.....What's that baby....Obama announced it last night by text message....When?.....at 3 am...why the fuck would he do that?....I was on my 5th line of coke by then...what an ass....Well yippee for me and my ill-fated attempt at beating the national talking heads to a story....I gotta go.

P.S.

I still wish he had chosen Hilla the Hun as his running mate; but Biden ain't bad.
Hey Mitt Romney good luck against the colloquial bulldog Biden during the Veep debates.I have a feeling the Veep debates are going to turn into a religious battle on par with the battles between Wickens and happiness. Romney vs Biden....Mormon vs Catholic.....Joseph Smith vs Pope Benedict.....The Polygamous Mormon God vs The Sexually Repressed Catholic God.
I wonder what God is telling Bush about the upcoming elections, you know since they speak....please enlighten us Georgie.

Nabil Shaath, who was Palestinian foreign minister at the time, said:
"President Bush said to all of us: 'I am driven with a mission from God'. God
would tell me, 'George go and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan'. And I did.
And then God would tell me 'George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq'. And I did."
Mr Bush went on: "And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, 'Go
get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get
peace in the Middle East'. And, by God, I'm gonna do it."

Sexual Debate

2008-08-20T23:42:00.000-07:00

So I was online and I came across this article.

The article tackles the issue of "How many sexual partners is too many?" Following the article are a slew of emails from women debating the "sexual partner" issue. I simply cannot leave these women to their own devices so I will respond to their comments.

Here goes:

“I have friends who sleep with a different girl every week, practically. I’m okay with it, but I’m not sure I’d want to sleep with them, at least not until they settled down and could be okay with just one girl. So for me, the actual number might not matter as much as their attitude. That said, 100 sexual partners is a little promiscuous and I think 20 to 50, over a lifetime, is my limit. I don’t think I could sleep with more than that without feeling gross, personally.” -- Jenni

Jenni you sound like you wear birkenstocks and mock turtle necks. What is the real difference between 100 partners and 20- 50 partners- in the grand scheme of things - nothing. So loosen up baby, you are already gross- slap on a maid outfit, change your name to Candy, and accept your actual identity as a porno actress.

NEXT!!

“For dudes it’s a tough question. I will probably think that any guy has slept with too many and I would say the average for a guy is probably 40 to 50 women. That is just too many. Ideally, I would like a guy to sleep with 15 to 25. Personally, I’ve slept with 14 and I would rather not sleep with more than 30 in my lifetime. Also, what about if you sleep with boys and girls? Say you’ve slept with 20 dudes, but 50 women...is that too many? I don’t know.” -- Lana

Whoa, Lana; have you slept with girls? You seem frisky to me, I like it. If you promise to never call men "Dudes" then I will promise to become your fifteenth, me and some random girl we pick up at a truck stop could have a blast while tripping balls on shroom and mescaline. Are you down Lana.

NEXT!!

“More than 30 sexual partners for anyone is too many...actually maybe more than 25. Thirty is a lot too. I would say that goes for anyone, but I don’t really care how many people my friends sleep with as it doesn’t really affect my friendship with them. So I guess it matters more to me for sexual partners.” -- Liz

Liz seems schizophrenic. I slept with a Liz once- Liz Youngs- what a nut job. One time my Liz showed up at my place wearing rubber boots and a poncho and asked me to go play frisbee golf with her- she was a loon and I loved her. Maybe this Liz is my Liz; if it is I miss you; and could you return all the forks you stole from my house.

NEXT!!

“At 25, when I was able to tell my long-term boyfriend that he was my 10th, I felt like that was a good number for me—someone who had some relationships, dated, but no long-term commitments. I felt that 10 wasn’t so high that i screamed ‘easy’. However, if my boyfriend and I broke up tomorrow I think I would be quicker to sleep with men earlier on in dating than I was when I was 20 and worried about being called a slut in college. Now that I’m more comfortable with sex and sexuality in general, if we broke up tomorrow I could hit 20 by age 30 and I would be fine with that. And I would hope that if I were single at 35 I would have lots of partners as opposed to only a couple more. Sex with different men is what I envy about single women at this age and older. Sleeping with one or two more men for fear of being labeled sounds like a really boring way to spend my late-20’s and early-30’s if I were single.” -- Casey

Casey sounds like my female sexual doppelganger. More women should try to emulate Casey instead of Sarah Jessica Parker.

NEXT!!

“I think over 100 is really excessive. People who stay single longer are obviously going to have had more partners, but now there are all sorts of things even condoms can’t prevent. If a friend of yours got crazy and slept with someone new once a month, I probably wouldn’t blink twice. But if they never have a dry spell or never get into a serious relationship through their entire 20’s, that puts them at approximately 120 partners by age 30. And usually my head snaps back when I hear someone, other than a porn star, has slept with over 100 people.” -- Megan

Condoms prevent everything, and every time I bypass wearing a condom and go sleeveless I always eat a raw egg and wash my dick in a saline solution following sex- it cures everything. So I am definitely clean and safe as can be.

NEXT!!

“If a guy told me he slept with 200 women, I would be put off, but mostly because I would be worried about disease, not really about him being a womanizer.” -- Erin

Umm, It's not 200 yet- so I guess we're still ok, right Erin?

NEXT!!

“I don’t really have a number that seems like ‘too much’. I think that sometimes very high numbers indicate that a person might be pathological. Of course, age and personality are factors, as is relationship history. I’d say anything over 50 for either men or women would make me take pause, not necessarily in a negative way, just in a ‘Dang, Gina!’ way.” -- Laura

I like you Laura. First you used the word "pathological," which always turns me on; and second you referenced Martin- the tv show- LOVE IT. Since you watched Martin, I am guessing you have an apple bottom- so let me holla at you. How bout we go to The Olive Garden for unlimited breadsticks and salad and then back to my place where I can throw bologna at your fat ass.

NEXT!!

“Over the course of someone’s life, assuming they don’t get married and settle down—which presumably puts an end to the racking up of bed partners—all bets are off. If I had no desire to settle down and just went from relationship to relationship the way most people do, with little droughts and little slutty phases in between, I could very realistically be talking hundreds of partners by the end of my life. I don’t know that that would be excessive. As long as you’re not endangering your health or cheating on a monogamous partner or trying to fill an emotional void, I see nothing wrong with getting your swerve on regularly.” -- Tanya

Tanya I agree with everything you said, except for the "racking up of partners during marriage" thing. Marriage is like a game of hide and seek. You seek out new partners, but you make sure to hide them from your wife; ba doom doom. I'll be here all week, thank you thank you, please tip the waitresses, you've been a great crowd.

NEXT!!

“Honestly, I never really think about it or care, but I guess once you hit the 20’s I think it’s kind of trashy.” -- Emma

Well, that does it everybody, I am trashy. So here goes; from this point on I am a born again virgin. Virginity is the shit; I can't wait to lose it to my palm and a Puma Swede video after I complete this post.

NEXT!!

Bella Karoli

2008-08-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

If you've been watching the Olympics than you will understand this post- if not- then go fuck yourself you unpatriotic piece of Communist trash. Just kidding, I love Communists.

I mean in 10 years when China takes us over we're going to become commies.

I pledge my undying allegiance to China starting today. Did you here that China, we're cool right; you won't break my daughter's feet and make me work in the rice fields will ya?

Anyways; I fucking hate Bella Karoli. He makes me embarrassed as an American. Every time an American chick doesn't win gold he claims the judges were cheating. Plus the fact that he can somehow analyze age through the use of his 70 year old eyes is quite disturbing. He thinks that every Chinese gymnast is under 16- maybe they are- but your eyes alone cannot determine that. My eyes tell me that a 70 year old gymnastics coach from Romania is probably a pedophile- do you see why that is a faulty system of analysis. Maybe you aren't a pedophile and maybe the Chinese girls were 16. Get over it.

He's from Romania- why the fuck is he so crazy? Is he trying to overcompensate for his inherent Romanian-ness. Hell, sometime the U.S. doesn't win gold; deal with it you creepy bastard.

I think the viewers should have a say as to who gets to sit in the studio with the midget Bob Costas. I would never have voted for Bella- put a former gymnast in their like May Lou, or Prince.

What is the Point?

2008-08-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been baggin this 18 year old; and boy let me tell you it has been a joy. She literally fell into my lap and we began having sex. I was under the impression that she was kind of a moron, I mean anyone that would sleep with me on the first night has to be a brain freeze away from the short bus; but I digress.

Up until last night we had hung out twice and fucked each time we hung out. So I was pretty sure our relationship was predicated on one thing- SEX. And I was hella ok with that.

Then last night happened. I was on my home and I was horny (Mariah Carey was playing on the radio and her voice warms my loins) so I called up Dimples.

Me: He what's up
Dimples: Hi, yay it's you, what are you up to
Me: Just driving home to my big empty house.....ahem....you should swing by and keep me company.

SIDE NOTE: Keep me company does not mean "keep me company" in this context. It means come over and let me do things to you that would make Jenna Jameson blush. AHHHHHH

Dimples: I'm already in bed babe; why don't you swing over here and hang out with me.

At this point I was ecstatic- I could go over there, ejaculate, and pop back home. This scenario was much easier than having her infiltrate my fortress, since I would either have to figure out a way to make her leave after we had fucked or I would have to spend the night with her- gross.

Me: Ok I'll be right there.

She buzzed me into her apartment and I had already began to unzip my jeans as I walked up her stairs. She opened the door and hugged me- not good. I was expecting her to drop and give me fifty.

Dimples: I don't feel so good, I'm glad you're here to help me get better.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I was ambushed.

This is what John McCain must have experienced with the Vietcong.

I had no clue what to do, so I laid in bed with her for 3 hours until I grew a pair of balls and told her that I had called for a fuck, not for a cuddle, then I hit her, grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and left.

Ok, that is not what happened even though it sounds cool as shit. Picture that scenario and try not to laugh- HAHAHA, you can't. I actually told her that I had to get up early for work and didn't want to bother her in morning, due to her malady, so in her best interest I had to vacate the premises.

On the car ride home I was utterly flummoxed. Maybe due her youth and naivete she hadn't fully grasped the booty call concept. Anytime a guy like me calls after midnight it is for sex- even though I will never straight up mention sex.

Or maybe she is an evil genius, and she used sex to lure me into her bed, in an attempt to successfully carry out her master plan handed down by the Bitch Mother Ship of getting me to become a monogamous bastard.

Should I sit her down and open up the subject to her?

Probably not; I mean she's only 18; I can't be mean to the same girl that cried over missing out on Jonas Brothers Tickets.

I am lost. I was either played or I am banging a retarded person. I end up the loser no matter which scenario it is.

Tennis Player Kills Bird

2008-08-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

Ann Coulter

2008-08-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

http://view.break.com/556925 - Watch more free videos

Ten Best TV Characters

2008-08-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

Bored

I may be mailing it in a bit with this post, but, no one even knows who I am. So I am sealing the envelope and mailing this one in. I felt like writing a list of my favorite current TV characters. Lists are the vehicle that carries lazy writers to their deadlines, but they can be entertaining. On to the list

Best TV Characters. Let’s go with my 10 favorites.

Charlie Kelly: He lives in filth. He is illiterate. He is an alcoholic that also huffs paint. He fails miserably with women and is responsible for completing the most disgusting tasks in the bar. But I love him. He is a wonderful musician and he survived an abortion. I think we may be related. If the Emmy’s weren’t run by a geriatric group of old white men, then Charlie Day would win an Emmy for the character of Charlie Kelly

Jermaine Clemaine of Flight of the Conchords: A New Zealander transplanted in America with his best friend Brett. He hates Australia- I hate Australia. Once again on the music tip- he is an amazing musician. His band is an example of abject failure; even though the lyrics and vocals rival Prince’s Purple Rain.

Hebert from Family Guy: A pedophilic old man with a creepy voice. Hmmmm, sounds like every Catholic priest in America. HA, this is why I love Herbert, he allows me the opportunity to shit on the Catholic Church some more.

Liz Lemon: Liz Lemon is played by Tina Fey- who coincidentally gives me a regular boner and a brain boner. She is fragile and single and seems ripe for a douche like me to swoop in and woo her out of her granny panties.

Tracy Jordan: A black man on the run from Bill Cosby, Gordon form Sesame Street, Jesse Jackson, and the rest of The Black Crusaders- solid gold. He is full of conspiracy theories and believes he has to maintain his “crazy” or else Hollywood will black list him. I am also on the run from the Black Crusaders, but I run cause I sided with Lisa Bonet when Bill tried to have her killed. Tracy is also an alcoholic, so we have that in common.

Andrew Bernard: I have to pick someone from The Office, so I come from left field with a character that is usually lost in left field. Andy Bernard went to Cornell and he makes sure you never forget it. He loves his voice and sings at the top of his lungs at the drop of a hat. He is banging conservative Republican Angela Martin. I imagine that he hate fucks that tight ass, and that is a small retribution for me against a republican party that has fucked us for 8 years.

Barney Stinson: This is acting at its finest- NPH, a gay man, plays the biggest hetero pimp on TV. After years of Doogie Howser jokes Neil Patrick Harris has exacted revenge on us all. This mutha fucka is talented, and funny as fuck, and he was DOOGIE. I wonder where Vinnie is at this point……Side Note- My ex girlfriend’s vibrator was named Vinnie. Ummmm, ok.

Dr. Gregory House: A genius misanthropic drug addicted doctor. Sounds like me, save for the doctor part. He walks with a pimp cane and is a misogynistic bastard. If this guy adopts a chalice on the upcoming season he will top Snoop and The White Man as the biggest pimp of all time.

Lyla Garrity: If you know me you know that some of these characters will be on this list solely due to their sexuality. Even though Neil Patrick Harris would swing my way, I don’t swing his, so Minka Kelly is on this list as the beef in this word sandwhich. I have never seen an episode of Friday Night Lights, but I have heard it’s a hell of a show- so Lyla Garrity you are on of my ten favorites for substance of show and for substance of looks.

Barack Obama: He is on TV so often that I have to include him on this list. The key to this list is that if I were to walk by the tele and one of these characters were on, would I stop? I would halt for all of these characters, but I would actually sit down for Obama. The reason The Obama show is my favorite is because this show may actually be picked up for four years and my life may improve along with it. Reality tv at its finest.

License Plate Hot

2008-08-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make.

I was driving to work this morning and this woman pulled up next to me at the light. I had to be at work at 8 am, and it was 7:55. My job was the next right- Did I turn?- Hell No. I kept driving. She was that hot.

She was hot enough to make me late for work.

I didn't want to try to engage her, I just wanted to keep close to her. She then pulled in front of me. She was getting onto the expressway, and I didn't want to lose her....so I wrote down her license plate number.

I am not planning on stalking her, but I just wanted to save her license plate number- you know for a rainy day.

I hope this doesn't make me a psycho.

Bzzin All Over Me

2008-08-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

I was stung by a bee yesterday. I was conniving enough to get out of work with enough time to get shwasted. I stopped at a gas station, to fill up, and I saw beer cans sold individually. God, if I'm not supposed to drink and drive, why do you make it so easy?

So I bought a beer can...ahem....2 beer cans and drank on the way to a buddy's house. Upon arrival more drinking ensued.

More drinking

A joint

A margarita.

Then my buddy proclaimed- "There's a bee nest on my garage...wanna hit it with a tennis racket."

Now I am very aware of all the benefits bees grace our lives with; but I was fucked up, and the idea of hitting bees with a tennis racket seemed appealing as hell. So my friend and I walked outside and fought a bees nest for 30 minutes hopped up on booze and hash.

The neighbors must have

I was stung, but I was too high to notice. I woke up this morning with a sting on my arm, and surprise in my head. My arms is swollen, but fuck, it was all worth it.

You really should have seen it, we fucked those bees up.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Song of the Day

2008-08-15T04:56:00.001-07:00

The Kooks: Naive

Shit On My Mind

2008-08-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

What does Disney World do if they find an infestation of mice? Do they kill them? Or do they put them on payroll.
How do bald men respond to the question of hair color on their licences?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do KKK members drink chocolate milk?
Why do"slim chance" and "fat chance" have the same meaning?
When I was in 3rd grade my teacher made our class draw a family tree. This wouldn't have been so bad except that I had no family and absolutely no idea where I originated. So I drew a branch-less, leafless tree.
Vis a vis the last "dot" some kids in my class did not earn an A on their family tree. That has to be the shittiest feeling (along with being a foster child like me) in the world. Your lineage is not worthy of an A, there are some deficiencies so you will be marked down accordingly. Weird.
Why is the word abbreviate so long?
I receive alot of negative comments relating to my drug use. Comments like "you're going nowhere," or "you are going to live shitty life." Whatever. If my drug use is taking me nowhere, then at least I am taking the scenic route to nowhere.

Ice Cream Trcuk Blues

2008-08-15T03:24:00.000-07:00

There are no more ice cream trucks on the road. The gas prices have destroyed the ice cream truck industry. One of the greatest joys of my childhood was listening to the ice cream track pass by only to decide to purchase a goody once the truck was a block away. Now because of George Bush- I am currently blaiming Bush for everything, even for Benigan's shutting down- we have no more ice cream on wheels.

MASTURVATION

2008-08-15T03:09:00.000-07:00

I am tired of writing "Masturbation Motivation," so I am going to combine the two words into an uber word-

MASTURVATION

So onto today's Masturvation:

Melissa Theuriau

She is a French news anchor. We have Katie Couric and the French have Melissa Theuriau: NOT FAIR.

Lebron loves the olympics

2008-08-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

Lebron loves big butts and he cannot lie

Cubs fans are morons

2008-08-12T23:22:00.001-07:00

No wonder the Cubs suck more dick than Paris Hilton on an all night cock bender.

I feel bad for Blondie. Hey Mica, get me this reporter's phone number so I can get her wet....in a different way.

HA

Burger King employee bathing in sink

2008-08-12T23:16:00.001-07:00

It could be cause I am supa stoned right now, but even after watching these vids, I am hungry for a whopper.

Here is the news story:

Here is the actual Burger King video:

Have it your way.

I hope that BK does a commercial featuring The King bathing in a sink.

Over the Line

2008-08-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

I felt bad watching this....so what do I do....I publicize it. This sick cycle has ensconsed my daily life.

But still not as over the line as this:

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them

Did you laugh............cause I did.

James Franco

2008-08-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

Franco has always been a favorite of mine- ever since Freaks and Geeks, but this excerpt from his GQ interview is fuckin bananas.

One afternoon, I ask Franco about the research he did for Sonny, a minor but
perfectly robust movie directed by Nicolas Cage in which Franco plays a New
Orleans prostitute. After a failed attempt to get useful information from some
female prostitutes on Santa Monica Boulevard—during which the hookers insisted
on touching his penis, purportedly to establish that he was not an undercover
cop—he went to New Orleans, where he was introduced to a guy who was supposedly
a gigolo.
“There was a strip club on Bourbon Street,” he begins. “I had only
ever been to one strip club before I went to New Orleans to do that movie. But I
started going to every strip club. There was one they advertise as ‘Live Sex
Shows’ and I went in there and met a male stripper who said he was straight and
that he serviced men and women. I later found out he didn’t really tell the
truth all the time. But I thought he was a good model for my part. And he was
the guy I hung out with the most. He would do lap dances for people, and then in
between we hung out in the back. So I was with him one night and this other guy
came in. And this guy came in and said to my friend, ‘Hey, man, I need you for a
job right now—this guy wants two.’ And he said, ‘I’m hanging out with James
doing research for this movie.’ And the guy says, ‘You’re doing research? Okay.
You want to do real research. You’re going to come down, come to the hotel. This
guy’s so out of his mind on coke, he won’t even know what’s going on. You just
sit in the corner in the chair, take your shirt off, sit there, you can watch
the whole thing.’ I said, ‘Okay.’ ”

Here is the link to the complete interview.

McCain Drinking Game

2008-08-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

I cannot take John McCain while sober. The man reeks of oil like he was born in the Exxon oil spill. So I have developed a drinking game to go along with every McCain speech.

Every time McCain says "My Friends" take a shot. I guarantee you will not make it through an entire speech. The complete rules are below.

Ignore the source here, but my drug dealer tells me to never trust someone who constantly tells you to "trust them." He also told me to never become friends with someone that calls you "buddy" or "my friend."

I do not want your friendship Johnny Mac.

JOHN McCAIN DRINKING GAME

Take a shot of beer every time he say "My Friends."
Die of alcohol poisoning about mid-way through his shitty ass speech.

Additional John McCain drinking game

Every time he gives you the chills take a drink. Not like cold chills, but the chills you got watching "2 girls 1 cup." I actually cannot decide what sickens me more, John McCain or two women shitting on one another.

My Saturday Night

2008-08-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

As I had previously stated my life became a tad too buttoned up. So this past weekend I decided to have as many near death experiences as humanly possible with the assistance of slutty women and potent chemicals.

It was a rousing success. At least it was for every thing but my liver and my right testicle (I woke up with a slight rash this morning).

I began my Saturday by eating 3 scrambled eggs and downing 4 mimosas.

Side Note: I was not going to eat anything sharp(chips) or spicy(A Spanish girl's vagina) because it sucks to puke that shit up. And yes I had planned on puking. It is far better to be safe than to be sorry.

I ran down to the docks and biked a couple of miles. I wanted to make sure I looked gaunt and drug riddled for the rest of the day; you know, getting into character- it worked for Heath Ledger.

I took a shower and then threw about 4 pounds of pomade into my hair and then followed that up with Nick Chavez's wonderful curl inducing hair spray. Then I waited 35 minutes and sprayed on some more hair spray.

It was now three o:clock and I wasn't drunk yet. So my friends came over. My Cool Ass Black friend is dating a divine young lady. She is divine not because her breast size ensures her of never having osteoporosis, but because she brought with her a group or dick chasing, cock happy sluts. And since I have a dick that loves to be chased I was on cloud nine.

I instantly clicked with the youngest girl in the group, we'll call her Dimples. She was 18 and a half, and had a fake id, so she was good enough for me. I clicked with her becasue she was the first girl I laid eyes on. We all sat at my coffee table and began to roll up more pot than I had seen in weeks- I love my cool ass black friend.

There is absolutely nothing better than doing drugs with a group of insidious drug apologists. I could do no wrong.

In an attempt to avoid the Sturm und Drang of my evening I will get to the point rather quickly.

I asked Dimples if she wanted to take a tour of my place and she obliged, or felt obligated, I am not sure, nor do I care. We walked into my bedroom and she thought my baby picures were adorable- and then we began to make out.

Side Note: I hung up some baby pics in my room just to tug at the heart strings of potential sexual partners. Trust me it works like a mofo.

I am going to consolidate the rest of my evening for y'all.

Shots of Absynthe
Drove to the Bar
Dropped some Ex at the bar
Drank alot
Dimples sat on my lap and tried to kiss me in public. I hate that shit, so I blew her off. Then she had the gall to tell me- "Nobody rejects me." HA. That made me sorta wanna hate fuck her later, but I just got up to go to the bathroom and throw up.
Rejection for some women is like an ugly ass Hermes bag- it makes no sense at all, but it turns them on. Dimples loved rejection and since I rejected her, she loved me.
The bar was closing down and I ran to the bathroom to take a quick piss. I also had the option to smort a line, I didn't really want to- so I did not snort a line. What I did do was accidentally zip my pants up prior to urination completion. I had a piss spot on my pants. Gross
I drove back home to change my pants.
I then drove to my cool ass black friend's house for the after party. I didn't do much partying. What I did do is have sex with Dimples multiple times. I also said no to Dimps when she asked me to finger her booty hole. Women are taking alot of anal liberties these days- gross.
I passed out during sex. Stupid drugs.
I woke up Sunday with a hangover. But I praised the Lord for instilling enough youthful viriility in me to bang out Dimples two more times that morning.
Then Dimples and I took a shower, fucked one more time, and then we smoked a bowl while I drove her home.
I hope you enjoyed this post, because I did it while high on pot and Vicodin.
HUGE PS> If you guys actually like my Blog please leave me a comment- I am slowly losing the will to Blog. I am inching towards Blogocide.
Ok Bye

My Newest Wingman

2008-08-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

I hated this at first and then I fell in love with his comedic timing.

I am going to pretend he lives in the woods, because that makes the jokes funnier to me.

Wrong way flag

2008-08-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

While El Presidente is trying to figure out why our flag has 50 stars, or how to hold it up in the first place, we are currently entrenched in two wars; but everyone needs a vacation.

Unless of course The Soviet Uni.....um Russia starts taking over its neighbors again like it's 1955. Then he would have to go back to D.C. and start leading, or he wouldn't.

Of course that would not change Bush's mind, he would rather watch the Olympics than deal with "the real world."

Like Jon Stewart stated, Bush shouldn't be our president, he should be our mascot.

I wish I was a Cruisebag

2008-08-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

I do not appreciate this at all Merriam-Webster. From now on it's nothing but Dictionary.com for me.

I love Tom Cruise, and all his lunatic tendencies.

The man has never made a bad movie.

Look it Up.

Synchro Swim

2008-08-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

This is why the Japanese synchronized swimming team is sure to win gold, because they are uber- synchronized.

Not only do they swim alike, they look alike.....cause you know, they all look alike.

Batman Bin Suparman

2008-08-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

I have found my new wingman.

Stinky Bathroom

2008-08-09T21:10:00.001-07:00

Alright.

I just got home from the bar and am on my way back out to have sex with a girl that I hope is 18.

I'm just kidding, I actually hope she is at least 16, because that is the cutoff, not the legal cutoff, the Sexy Einstein cutoff.

Ok, Just kidding, I don't need Chris Hansen busting into my living room telling me to have a seat and going over chat logs with me. The girl is 19, but she had a fake id to get into the bar.

Anyways.

The bar I just left was a hole in the wall- Tomorrow I will tell you the story of my night.

I walked into the bathroom to piss and to do a line of coke and the stench of the bathroom was so pungent that I couldn't even snort a line. All I had the stamina for was a quick stressful piss.

When in a place that smells like Satan's asshole, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

I can't breathe through my nose, because then I can smell the shit.

I can't breathe through my mouth because then I can taste the horrible odor.

So I held my breath took a piss and buckled up my pants mid piss so I could evacuate the restroom since my lungs were about to fail me.

Ok, I have to go drink and drive, bye babies.

Sad

2008-08-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

Bernie Mac

Death

Sad

The taste of semen

2008-08-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

Lately my life has been boring as shit.

Tuesday night I decided to forgo the bar scene and play a rousing tennis match. I then came home with some guests and smoke alot of marijuana and talked to a Cuban about her dog, Seal, and Girlfriends-the show.

Side Note: Girlfriends is the shit, and the weird multi-racial chick is smokin hot; so is Mya. Oh yeah Kelsey "Frasier" Grammer is the executive producer of a show about 4 minority women in a "Sex in the City" styled show. Twisted. That's like Flavor Flav producing "Desperate Housewives."

Last night I ignored Leggy Blonde and I went to bed around 11:30; while I talked to a Cuban about Aladdin, the accuracy of the stories I regale you with on a weekly basis, and her big hair (which may look like the hair below at this point).
I promise from today on- since I have a lull in my schedule- to drink more, smoke more pot, and to go back to trying to fuck every piece of ass I walk by. This will be like the chastity promise Religious zealots make their daughters sign, but the exact opposite.

In an effort to maintain the interest level of my 15 readers I have decided to tell you a story that happened a couple of years ago.

Once again this is a true story- ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STORY TIME:

My friends and I were in a hot tub drinking and playing "I never." Five guys in a hot tub after a strenuous soccer match- real homo-erotic, I know.
-

If you don't know what "I never" is, I will tell you. Some one says "I never" and adds some task at the end, like "I never tried to suck my own dick." If you have never done it you drink. If you have done it you don't drink, you must tell the story, and you must become the butt of continuous jokes for the next 20 minutes.
-

By the way every guy has tried to suck his own dick. I actually make have broken a rib when I was 12 and tried the impossible task. The truth is truly ugly.
-

So my buddy let's call him Matt said- "I never tasted my own cum"
-

Everyone drank except for Jimmy and Cohen. So after we drank our requisite swigs, we turned our attention to the sperm suckers for the ensuing tales of self bukkake.
-

Jimmy was first. He told us that it wasn't his fault, that he had no choice but to taste his warm and gooey discharge.
-

Side Note: I hope you are getting grossed out every time I refer to discharge tasting, because I am puking into my own mouth as we speak.
-

We turned down the Sublime in the background so we could hear this awesome tale.
-

He told us about Amy, which was a girl he dated for about 3 months. Amy was 28 and Jimmy was 18 and she was one of the hottest women we had ever seen (we were 18 and we hadn't seen many women, but whatever). The first night they met Amy asked James where he wanted to put it, and like a pioneer he went South, as in anal. The next time they fucked she brought over some ecstasy and they both tripped, Jimmy's first time, and they fucked. They also fucked in the bathroom at Subway. They also fucked in the bathroom of a Pizza Hut, a Wendy's, and in a Home Depot.
-

Then it happened. Let me tell you something, I have never been more on the edge of my seat than I was on this particular day. I may not have actually been sitting down, I was probably floating.
-
James and Amy went out to the bar and were feeling fine. They went back to her place and fucked like they were responsible for maintaining the earth's population. As he was nearing liquid explosion, she told him to cum all over her tits.
-

Side Note: Which by the way is gross and hot at the same time. I personally hate when I have to ejaculate places other than inside a women- it ruins my rhythm, but I digress.
-

So Jimmy pulled out and came all over her.
-

AND THEN IT HAPPENED
-

She told him to lick it off of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-

We were all thoroughly disgusted at this point, since we know what he did. He told us that he had no choice but to lick it off of her. He said that he owed it to her since she had let him do whatever he wanted to do with her tight sexually frustrated body. He said that is was the right thing to do. So Jimmy, one of my best friends in the world licked his own semen off of a woman's body.
-

After we had puked into the hot tub our attention turned to Cohen, so we could hear his story about tasting love juice.
-

He looked at us and said, " My story is not that good, I was jacking off into my palm once and got curious so I threw some into my mouth; it was salty."
-

Those are my friends.

Tickle Me Emo

2008-08-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

Elf Ears

2008-08-07T06:09:00.000-07:00

What is the world coming to?

I always had a bit of disdain for red-haired people, except for Lohan, and this just reinforces my disgust.

So now people purposely "elf" their ears, why? If you are willing to change your image to mimic that of Frodo then the world already knows you are a weirdo- so actually going through the "cosmetic" procedure would be a moot point.

My Secret Shout Out

2008-08-07T06:04:00.000-07:00

I love this song

The Teletubbies versus The Wiggles

2008-08-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

TALE OF THE TAPE
THE TELETUBBIES VS THE WIGGLES

NAME: The Wiggles
HEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE: Avg Height-5'7 Total Weight-521 pounds
REASON FOR FAME: Are they gay? Are they straight? Are they gay? Are they straight?
TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10: -2- I give them a 2 because the red shirt guy and the yellow shirt guy were in a punk band in the '80's, for real.
PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON: The Asian Wiggle.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS: Pedophiles.....Was that joke too dirty? NOHOW TO BEAT HIM/HER: Start a sing along- they can't help themselves but to join in
WHY I HATE HIM/HER: Their outfits cause seizures.WHY I LOVE HIM/HER: Their song- Toot Toot Chugga Chugga Big Red Car- is actually about a drive by
X FACTOR: The Wiggle in the red shirt won a bronze in boxing during the 1992 Summer Olympics.....just kidding, Their X-factor is choreography- they can choreograph a dance and an ass whipping

NAME: The Wiggles
HEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE: Avg. Height- 6'8 Total Weight- 975 pounds
REASON FOR FAME: They raise your kids for you, and make you insane
TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10: -1- Look at them
PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON: Their annoyingly high voices induce vomiting
BIGGEST WEAKNESS: Their fat asses
HOW TO BEAT HIM/HER: Bring Up the Fact that Tinky-Winky is a homosexual
WHY I HATE HIM/HER: The four characters' names are: Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po. Re-read that, fucking nuts
WHY I LOVE HIM/HER: If you are stoned and watch them your mind will collapse onto itself like a black hole
X FACTOR: The sun baby...DA-DA

Mr. Clean Versus The Brawny Man

2008-08-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

Tale of the Tape

Mr. Clean VS The Brawny Man

NAME: Mr. Clean
HEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE: 6'1 205 pounds 50 years oldREASON FOR FAME: He has obsessive compulsive disorder regarding cleanliness; and he killed 23 man with his bare hands in Vietnam.TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10: -5- He is an expert in Braziallian Jujitsu as well as 3 illegal forms of karate.
PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON: He is a Buddhist so his concentration is uncanny. He can raise and lower his body temperature at will. He can also have a heart attack on command.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS: Dirt.
HOW TO BEAT HIM/HER: Ask him if how he likes hosting Deal or no Deal.
WHY I HATE HIM/HER: Becasue he gets rid of dirt and grime in minutes.
WHY I LOVE HIM/HER: Because he doesn't talk- he lost his tongue in the war.
X FACTOR: Even though he is not a genie-he is a former marine-he does have magical powers, and he can float. Plus he's got mad street cred since he's in Lil Wayne's posse.

NAME: The Brawny ManHEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE: 6'5 240 pounds 43 years oldREASON FOR FAME: Paul Bunyan's younger brother and he also hates dirt, but not as much as Mr. Clean since he lives in the woods.TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10: -2- He dresses up in women's clothing in his free time.
PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON: His forearms since he played D-2 baseball.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS: His tight ass shirt constricts his movments.
HOW TO BEAT HIM/HER: Bring up the fact that he is a closeted homosexual.
WHY I HATE HIM/HER: He hates black people and is a member of the Michigan Militia.
WHY I LOVE HIM/HER: He can kill a moose with his bare hands and he personally built his log cabin.
X FACTOR: He has a mustache, you never can tell what that'll do for a man's psyche.

Osama Versus Obama

2008-08-06T14:40:00.001-07:00

TALE OF THE TAPE
OBAMA VS OSAMA

NAME
Barack Obama

HEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE
6'1 185 pounds 46 years old

REASON FOR FAME
He is uniting this country. Future president of the world.

TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10

7- He is Black, so that automatically makes him tough. He is half African, so not only can he fight, he can battle.

PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON
His words. He can motivate and uplift with his mouth piece, but he is also an underrated shit talker.

BIGGEST WEAKNESS
He may not fight dirty in an attempt to maintain a positive image.

HOW TO BEAT HIM
Vote McCain

WHY I HATE HIM
Jealousy, and because Obama girl wants to bang him

WHY I LOVE HIM/HER
He can save our country

X FACTOR
He plays basketball so he has the stamina for a long fight if necessary.

NAME
Osama Bin Laden

HEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE
6'6 155 pounds 51 years old

REASON FOR FAME
Most evilest person alive

TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10
0

PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON
Sneak attack

BIGGEST WEAKNESS
His kidneys, due to his dialysis as well as his weak chin which he hides with that beard.

HOW TO BEAT THEM
Get inside his reach advantage.

WHY I HATE HIM/HER
Because he is the devil

WHY I LOVE HIM/HER
N/AX

FACTOR
His odor. Living in caves and carrying around a dialysis machine cannot be good for the body odor.

What Max Kellerman Says:
Hocus Pocus is Hocus Pocus. Man is Obama good, long, lean, and can take a shot as his campaign definitely exhibits. Obama in an easy victory. Ouch.

The Game VS 50 Cent

2008-08-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

I am bored so I decided to pit the following competitors against one another.

Shits and Giggles.

Tale of the Tape
Game VS 50 Cent

NAME: The Game-Jayceon Terrell Taylor

HEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE: 6'3 205 pounds 28 years old

REASON FOR FAME: He's got mad flow

TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10: 8- He was shot 5 times and was in a coma for 3 days.

PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON: He's thick and he is an athlete- he was the starting shooting guard in high school while Baron Davis ran the point. He played D-1 ball at Washington State University.

BIGGEST WEAKNESS: He played basketball at Washington State University and was on the dating show Change of Heart.

HOW TO BEAT THEM: Since he was slapped by Suge Knight once- just mention Suge's name and watch The Game turn into Vanilla Ice.

WHY I HATE HIM/HER: He is friends with Baron Davis and he bangs most rap video hoes.

WHY I LOVE HIM/HER: Baron Davis is his son's godfather. The Game and was shot multiple times and he never shed a tear.

X FACTOR: He is naturally thick and if he can take a bullet he can take a punch. He played basketball at Compton High school, that's like being a stripper with the biggest tits- instant respect. Plus he has a neck tattoo which automatically makes you hard.

NAME: 50 Cent- Curtis Jackson
-

HEIGHT/WEIGHT/AGE: 6'0 220 pounds 32 years old
-

REASON FOR FAME: Mix tapes and he started beef with everyone alive.

TOUGHNESS QUOTIENT 1-10: 10- He was shot 9 times, that's 4 more than The Game- but he wasn't in a coma.

PRIMARY OFFENSIVE WEAPON: He boxed in the Junior Olympics and since he owns vitamin water he will definitely be hydrated.

BIGGEST WEAKNESS: Seems like a whiny little bitch sometimes.

HOW TO BEAT THEM: Tell him you also fucked Vivica A. Fox- he still loves her.

WHY I HATE HIM/HER: He fucked Vivica A. Fox

WHY I LOVE HIM/HER: He actually is pretty bad ass and he pops steroids like he pops collars- holla.

X FACTOR: The guy that shot 50 Cent was dead three weeks later- it's worth noting.

What Max Kellerman Says: 50 has the physique and all the necessary tools. The Game's skill is unknown, a jump shot is alot different that a kidney shot. Do not underestimate 50's 'roid rage. Max Kellerman- uno.

73 Year Old Porn

2008-07-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

As ya'll know I have no clue who my parents are; but I may have just found my father.

I may be Japanese....that explains why I am so good at Math.

Seriously that wasn't a stereotypical Japanese joke, I have a minor in math.

Ok, so it was a stereotypical Japanese joke, but it was grounded in fact.

Swimming Trunks

2008-07-28T04:37:00.000-07:00

I grew up pretty poor. So poor that there were times when my dinner was a bread sandwich.

I also never had swimming trunks, I just had shorts. That tradition lasts until today. I left with my friend to pick up a movie and he said:

"Hey grab your swimming trunks in case we stop by the pool"

I said

"I am wearing shorts"

He was shocked. He looked at me like I was Amish for not having shorts specifically for the water. So I slapped him.

If I am wearing shorts I can swim at any given time. If I am outside running and a group of hot chicks invite me inside for a dip in the pool, do I think I am going to say:

"Ohhh, tiddly-winks, these are my running shorts, not my swimming trunks, gottta go ladies."

No, I am goin to jump into the fuckin pool.

Taxes

2008-07-28T04:33:00.000-07:00

I have to send in an amended form to the IRS. I have to send it in because they sent me a letter stating : "We will audit you ass if you do not complete this form you lazy piece of shit....and we know about your drug habit....we're the fucking IRS, we know everything."

So I had to work on that this weekend....and it is going to cost me some money.

The only thing worse than actually paying the IRS their money, is filling out their fucking forms.

I am a very above average reader, and my writing ability is to die for; but I feel like I'm reading Aramaic when plowing through these IRS forms.

Throwback

2008-07-28T04:28:00.000-07:00

What are you?

What the fuck kind of question is that.

What are you?

So my olive complexion, which is as natural as the green grass I wish would grow instead of the snow I am forced to contend with on a daily basis. Olive, not clear cut like black or white, my eyes are big and my hair is stubborn, so what am I.

I almost wanted to reply- I am your worst nightmare you shriveled up little bitch, oh yeah your boobs aren’t symmetrical, take that, cunt face.

Or I could have went with, I am a cool ass mofo, and asking a man, a grown ass, pubic hair owning man what he is, is not so cool.

Well guess what your protagonist decided to retort with. Well, I told her what I was. Race, age, food allergies, preferred sexual positions….everything.I have a theory----

wait for it

Wait for it

I am trying to climb onto my soap box, which is a quite a task, since I loathe the use of soap boxes, but alas, from time to time I take the hike.

80% of people are sheep, herded by the 10% of people that are exemplary, outstanding, intelligent, blah blah blah.

I know what you are thinking, Sexy Einstein, your math sucks, that equals 90%, please say you can do simple arithmetic, please Sexy Einstein, well ok kiddies.

That remaining 10% you refer to is none other than the retarded sect of society.

That section…. that section is far too ugghhh, far too trite and commonplace, too vomit inducing to be considered sheep. They yearn to be sheep, she was one of those 10%.

But once again I lost my words, and my courage. Poor lady, poor me.

Bits of Tid

2008-07-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

I hate holding the door open for people and I hate when people hold the door open for me. I was walking into work this morning and the man 20 yards ahead of me decided to hold the door open for me. He stared at me while I walked and he even gave me some motivation:

"Come, on, you can make it"

But I didn't want to make it. I didn't want to have to pick up my pace at all. Just leave me the fuck alone and walk into the building, I can open a God Dammed door myself. Do I look like a paraplegic that can't manage the simple task of opening a door. One of these fucking days I may flip and go all Travis Bickle on then next person holding a door open for me.

I hate holding doors open as well. I am not responsible for making sure you are able to successfully maneuver through a two way door. I will walk in and if you can fit in through my back draft then so be it, otherwise get your lazy ass hand out of your pocket and take a hold of a door handle.

I also hate it when you are exiting through a door and a person that is walking in is holding the door open. Except the holder is halfway between enter and exit, and I have to walk across their body to leave. Just walk the fuck in, I WILL WAIT FOR YOU, and then get the hell out of my way.

See what you guys have been missing during my nearly week long absence. Anger. I feel like O-Dog from Menace II Society.

Bowling for Concubine

2008-07-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

Leggy Blonde left the other night after we fucked.

We've had dinner a couple times in the past month, but nothing more.

I had to get back in her good graces since I avoided her for about a fortnight (yes!! I got to use fortnight in a post) since our pre-marital sex.

Everything was leading towards sex, but I have been playing the role of the chivalrous chauvinist , in an attempt to ensure additional sex play. I think she may have formed an accurate impression of me since we had sex. She thought I was only after one thing, which I was, but I was bothered that she knew my intentions.

On Thursday night, I was at home and I had planned on staying home and chatting with my adopted little sister while I completed some paper work.

Then in the midst of our convo I walked past a mirror and realized that my face has not been sat on in a while, so I got a hold of Leggy Blond

I told Leggy Blonde that through my many sources in the underworld I had acquired a bootleg copy of the new Batman flick; and just like the millions of other theatre goers she was hooked.

She walked into my house and in my haste to appear cool I spilled my kool-aid and she had to help me clean it up- since as a man I suck at cleaning up stains. We took the towels back to the washing machine which was in a room past my bedroom. On our way back from the utility room we made an excursion into my bedroom. I lured her into my sexual lair as a result of my mad pimp game:

"You have gotta check out this video on Youtube I found of a moon walking midget."

And just like that she was in my bed watching a corny ass Bollywood clip. Once the clip ended, the love making could commence. I began by stating how luscious her chap stick made her lips appear, and then I asked if I could taste it. She laughed at my weak ass attempt to kiss her, and once my embarrassment dissipated we kissed anyways.

Accidental game folks, that is my calling card. I hook up with women due to my exorbitant awkwardness around them.

Once again we had sex sans condom, which is fine by me since I am immune to any STD. I bought a couple spare immune systems from the USSR during its downfall, so I'm safe.

As we were doing it she put her right leg on my left shoulder (are you picturing it...good) and asked me to lick her toes. Feet disgust me so much that once she mentioned "toe licking" my boner dematerialized and my testicles shriveled up like an Eskimo's.

I told her the only was I was going to suck her toes is if she let me pee on her. I am not into potty games but I wanted to make sure she got that I equated feet to urine on my puke list.

Once she got that crazy idea out of her head we continued on banging. Leggy Blonde happened to me a gymnast during her formative years and now that is only beneficial in the bedroom.

Side Note: If I were ever to accidentally become a daddy, and if that accident was a lovely little girl the last sport I would want her to participate in would be gymnastics. Her gymnastic skills could only benefit her in 2 different scenarios: The Olympics or The Bedroom. Since most girls don't make it to the Olympics I would simply be succumbing to the fact that my daughter would be a pervert's bendy little sex partner. So screw you Bella Karoli, you can't have my daughter.

Back to the real world.

I thought I would be into her bendy ways, and boy was she bendy, but i found myself a little turned off by her ability to contort. She put her legs behind her head and while I continued to pound away I had to close my eyes for most of it. With her legs where the were, she looked like a Vietnam Vet that had lost her limbs in battle- not the sexiest image in the world.

The best part about this sexual adventure is that she held zero ill conceived notions about our little tryst. Once the sex ended she cleaned up and left. I did not even have to make up an extravagant lie to get her out of my bed. I had sex and was afforded the opportunity to sleep alone my bed. This Leggy Blonde is working her way into my good graces.

Video of the Day

2008-07-22T02:55:00.000-07:00

This is my most favoritest video of the day.

To understand the comedy in this video you must have seen this wonderfully crafted piece of art by the incomparable Will I. AM

Sean Enuff Daddy

2008-07-21T18:51:00.001-07:00

I have no idea what this guy was talking about. I've ran before and it didn't turn me into a blithering retard.

Bye Bye Money Man

2008-07-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Salma Hayek And Billionaire Fiance Call It Quits

If there is a God, she must have heard my prayers and lamentations over my future girlfriend, Salma's impending nuptials.

Merry Christmas to me.

Going Straight For The Veep

2008-07-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

Florida Governor Charlie Christ proposed to his girlfriend, New York socialite Carol Rome, last Thursday. He say the wedding date has not been set, but this Fall is looming as the most appropriate time to wed his beard.

What is a beard?

A beard is a woman that de-gays a man trying to conceal his love for penis.

Why this Fall?

So he can legitamize himself in the eyes of the jugdemental right. Swinging bachelors are not chaste in their eyes and neither are swinging bachelors with homosexual rumors bounding about.

Is this a move by Christ to ready himself for possible Veep-ship? Yes it is.

I am not going to try and out a guy, that is not my thing. But he obviously feels that if he is married he will be more Veep- worthy. Whether is he is gay or straight.

There have been rumors of homosexuality for years in Florida. There are even gay club owners that claim to have befriended Christ during his numerous trysts into their gay clubs.

AND HE WAS STILL VOTED GOV OF FLA.

So Floridians don't give a shit- and I commend them for that- why the fuck should the rest of the world care.

I guess we will never know if those rumors are true, or if he is bi, or if he was "cured" by some crazy Christian fundamentalist gay camp.

I also hope and pray that his "questioned" sexuality doesn't ever come into play- politically that is.

But I am hoping that he becomes the Veep, for the sheer McCain awkwardness potential if he does admit to "experimentation."

PS>This guy is too good looking at his age to be straight, seriously. Great tan, perfectly fitted suit, pristine etiquette, and distinguished gray hair....I am definitely getting a gay vibe from the Christ.

Dear Mica

2008-07-18T17:54:00.001-07:00

This is why feet are the devil.

Even pretty girls like Garner have hideous feet syndrome.

Feet are the Hilter of the body.

Mug Shot Heat

2008-07-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

The only person in history that is hotter on her mug shot than she is in real life.

That has to hurt when your mug shot is an upgrade over your actual appearance. I thought the woman in the pic was cute and then I found out that is was Khloe Kard. I felt like less of a man, like I had to go flush the visual excrement from my cornea.

This was like being attracted to Female Lead singer on the Hansons only to find out it was a dude.

This was the tantamount to walking behind a long haired chick with a great ass, only to find out that long haired tight butt belonged to a man.

I feel gross. I was attracted to Khloe Kard for about 5 minutes. Puke

Masturbation Motivation

2008-07-18T17:39:00.003-07:00

Rashida Jones- Masturbation Motivation

How hot is this chick.

Plus she's Quincy Jones' daughter so she is musical royalty; she may be able to get me backstage passes to an Avril Levigne show.....I mean an Kanye West show. Wow, Freudian slip.

Musician of the Day

2008-07-18T17:39:00.001-07:00

Kate Nash Musician of the day

She is a Brit- so that automatically makes her a respected musician.

She has also covered one of the Arctic Monkey's songs, so that also raises her musical quotient in my eyes.

Oh yeah, she also did a cover of The White Stripes's 7 Nation Army. Belle Musique

Jay Leno

2008-07-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

DONTBECHI is blowin up.

One of them will be on Jay Leno forgetting Darth Vader's name.- Dick Cheney

Bloggers reporting on other bloggers, we have truly come full circle.

Next DanShanoff will report on the results of my church league b-ball game.

Or PerezHilton will put up a picture of me with a slutty looking pantyless blonde chick.

Getting Bush'ed

2008-07-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

110 more days until a new Prez. Thank God( if he exists that is...if he doesn't then Thank Obama)

Getting Drunker

2008-07-17T02:31:00.001-07:00

Time- 5:31 am

Setting- My living room couch sitting at my desktop comp

I could not fall asleep since my last post- Why you ask; well I'll tell you why.

Because I did not try.

I have been typing and working on some work related projects and on some personal literary endeavors.

I thought it may be a good idea to drink a little tequila to ease my body's aches. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your vantage point), the aches in my bones have been replaced with alcohol in my blood.

I am a little drunk.

I feel like I should request a personal day from work in about 2 hours.

Typing while half high and fully drunk feels almost existential, but I don't want to tangentially go off on the meaning of life or how we are all one with nature.

I want to go off on how comfy it is sitting on a leather seat with out any clothes on.

I want to go off on how dunking your head in a sink full of water does zero in the way of sobering you up

I want to go off on the fact that living alone does not suck in the least bit, unless it is 5 in the morning and you hear funny noises and are unable to determine if the source of these funny noises is a homicidal maniac hiding in the closet or the suicidal marijuana related paranoia hiding in your cerebellum.

I want to type a 1200 hundred word rant imploring all of you to listen to The Kings of Leon, but I won't because then my favorite band would become your favorite band and that would in turn tarnish them in my eyes leaving me sans a favorite band.

I want to tell you that Patron is not that bad.

I want to ask anyone out there to pick me up a pizza, please.

I want to tell you that I wish I wasn't afraid of guns so I could shoot these fucking un-relenting birds outside of my window.

But I can't tell you those things because I have to either complete this field trip towards complete intoxication or take the high road and ready myself for an 8 hour day in corporate America.

Asta

Who's the Boss

2008-07-17T01:20:00.000-07:00

I have already mentioned my female boss on this online journal many times. She is an attorney that is so attractive and imposing I get a fear boner when she enters the room.

She has a license to carry a concealed weapon.

I don't need a licence for my concealed weapon......get it......my penis.....Look you guys need to fuck off, some of my jokes will not work....it is currently 4:30 in the morning and I was awoken by the marching band playing in my head due to the crappy ass hash I smoked before I went to bed.........So to alleviate my pain I came here to type away in an effort to maintain dexterity of mind and body....lighten up

Where was I?

So this afternoon at lunch my boss and I were eating in my office as I put the finishing touches to a project I was working on. While I work I usually have I-tunes up and running. I have I-Tunes set to random, and randomly Ice Cube's Magnum Opus- It Was A Good Day, began to play. And guess who knew the words?

MY BOSS

I was blown away.

I didn't know if this made her hotter, but it definitely made her tougher than she had been. She is a conundrum.

She is as difficult to understand as bras that clasp in the front.

She is harder to read than a Hemingway novel....you know since Hemingway novels suck more balls than Paris Hilton on an off night.

I understand that I have a negative chance with this woman, but that is what makes my loins burn so incalescently for her.

She is so beyond unattainable that I may have to involve myself in some Faustian bargain in an effort to merely raise the odds in my pursuit of her vag.

Sometimes I think she realizes my infatuation and she keeps me employed just to torment me.

What if this is what hell feels like?

I am constantly faced with my greatest desire- Untouchable Pussy- and I can never get within a proverbial arm's length of it.

Damn it...I knew I shouldn't have told those Jehovah's witnesses to fuck off yesterday.

True Ads

2008-07-16T13:21:00.001-07:00

I support this kind of clarity in advertising.

Thank you Shitbegone toilet paper.

Heidi Mc...Montag

2008-07-16T08:47:00.001-07:00

You have got to be shitting me.

In an attempt to pander to the youth vote John McCain's daughter Meghan (There is no "H" is Meagan) McCain has decided to become besties with none other than the last bastion of youthful promise- Heidi Montag.
McCain and his family are pandering to an ugly slut from a scripted MTV "reality" show.

How did this campaign decision come about. Did McCain's campaign manager, Terry Nelson, recommend Heidi, and was she there first choice? Did they attempt to contact Miley Cyrus; and if they did, did she rebuff their attempts?

On top of his daughter hangin' with Montag, McCain has professed that he never misses an episode of The Hills.

Only in America can a snooty ass cunt from Laguna Beach California gain political clout due to her simply voice-ing her opinion about the impending election.

SEXY AD

2008-07-16T00:05:00.001-07:00

One of the sexiest ads ever....I can't wait to go to the GAP and buy some flat front chinos.

Dumb Governor

2008-07-15T13:24:00.001-07:00

Why would Wolff Blitzer actually ask Gov. Sanford a question. He totally ambushed him.

If this guy along with a slew of many other can attain high positions in our government, why can't I.

I am now announcing my candidacy for political office in 10-15 years.

I have no idea what office or what state, but if I am not in a drug rehabilitation program by then I will be leading one of the States in this union.

Song of the Day

2008-07-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

I just came across Juliette and The Kicks.

I dig 'em.

Plus she is sexy in a raunchy ass kicking way.

Here is an older vid of J. Lewis showing off her vocal chops on Conan's show.

Enjoy

Throwback of the day

2008-07-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

I know I am not alone in proclaiming love for this GAP commercial, along with other sing-a-long GAP ads.

I'm for sure going to Hell

2008-07-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

Saturday was one of the most debilitating days and nights of my life. I was not only harmed physically, but I feel like I set myself up for a huge plush love seat in Hell.

I began drinking at about 3 in the afternoon at the beach. Sitting in the hot sun reading a book on JFK. For the members of the Michigan militia; JFK stands for John F. Kennedy, who happened to be the 35th president of these United States. So I was in a lawn chair on the shore drinking margaritas and sex on the beaches.

Side Note: I drink girly drinks, I can't help it. They are easy on the taste buds and the eyes.

After the beach bash we had dinner at a sushi place and I had a couple glasses of wine. I might have been drunk by this time but I didn't feel the burn of inebriation, I felt the burn of the sun. Drinking in the sun is like getting poked in the same spot for hours by a very weak person. The poke doesn't hurt initially, but the end result is probably a bruise. The sun had left me feeling battered.

Following the sushi I went home and put on some of the greatest clothes humanity has ever seen....I mean I just grabbed a handful of clothes from the "clean" pile in my room.

I drove out to the martini bar that my friends had already inhabited. I had a drink in my hand before my ass hit the seat. I had a lovely lady in my sights before I opened my mouth. This chick was dressed to the nines and had legs for days; which is why it hurt so bad when she rejected my advances.

I set my sights on another girl and tried to be low key about it. She wasn't feeling the keys I was playing. So the night took a turn I was prepared for, one devoid of sex and full or raucous intoxication.

So I kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

It was about 1 am and this guy who lives on a lake was having an after party so we decided to take off early, by some booze, and parlay the bar scene into a house party.

I hate leaving my car at the bar so I decided to drive to the house party. I decided to ride between two other cars, since I was fairly drunk; you know as a precaution. Safety first.

As we were getting our things together and paying off our outrageous tab this girl that was at our table asked if she could ride with me. Our table had about 15 people there, but I had assumed that she was taken or at the very least not taken aback by me; but she was.

"Yeah, you can ride with me, if you don't mind listening to The Grease soundtrack;" she didn't. So we took off.

She was laughing at everyone of my jokes and had even leaned over to my side of the car. I was drunk and so was she, but I began to get the feeling that she wanted to sow the seeds of love making. So to test her attraction level I decided to tell a horrible joke, and if she laughed at that then she was for sure into me, if not than I was being arrogant and presumptive as usual.

"Did you hear what that new pirate movie was rated?"

"No"

"It's rated Arrrrrrrrr"

She laughed her ass off, but I guess I couldn't blame her, that joke was a killer. We stopped at a light and she kissed me. The light turned green and she kept kissing me. Then she whispered for me to pull over, so I pulled over into the first parking lot my I saw.

I pulled to the back of the parking lot and we began to get hot and heavy. Then, unprovoked, she unzipped my pants and decided to say hello to my man parts.

Then on the radio Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven began to play. That may be the worst song of all time to get skully to, so I turned the Grease soundtrack back on.

Once the "job" was over I zipped up and pulled out of the parking lot. As I was taking a right onto Main Street I noticed that the building adjacent to the parking lot was a church.

A church.

I had just gotten a blow job in a church parking lot.

Hello, Satan, I'm sure we'll be meeting real soon.

I ended up getting to the lake house with out any other incidents, sexual or otherwise. I kept drinking and blacked out for about 3 hours.

I lost 3 hours of my life.

I woke up Sunday morning and for all I know I could have been abducted my aliens along with the hillbilly's and hicks that usually get abducted.

Sunday became CSI: SEXY EINSTEIN. I had to use all my deductive reasoning to piece together 3 hours of my life. It was a scary and exciting task. It was like running with the bulls in Pamplona.

So my weekend consisted of blacking out, getting a blowjob, pissing of God (if he exists), and playing the role of lead investigator in my own mystery case.

I would have to say I broke even for the weekend.

Holy Blitt

2008-07-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

If y'all haven't heard about or seen the cover of the New Yorker, then ta-da.

Surprisingly I am not mad about this cover. I think it is satirical. I also don't think it will change any opinions. I think those that believe Obama is a Muslim terrorist spy will see the smallest action as a support of Al-Qaeda. Like for example a fist bump that all of a sudden means "The bombs have cleared sector 12." The people with a modicum of common sense will not have a magazine cover sway their opinion's either way.

Obama supporters, like me have two choices- brush away or get way too pissed off. I will not fault someone for going ballistic, but Barry Blitt is known for toeing the line between funny and "holy shit, he did not just do that." Let's take a look at other Barry Blitt New Yorker covers.

Funny and not too controversial; unless of course Obama was inserted when the phone rang:

It's not satire if it's accurate:

If Clinton's cock could actually speak, it would garner higher ratings than a talk show co-hosted by Oprah and Ellen.

My favorite, and Blitt's most contro...well until now:

I do have one caveat to throw into my argument. I hope that Blitt does a McCain cover portraying Johnny Mac wearing crocs(thanks DONTBECHI) in a nursing home' eating apple sauce during his inauguration.

Fair is fair.

OBAMA & EMINEM???????????????????

2008-07-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

I had a speaking engagement the other night at a reputable institution of higher learning. This University is predominantly liberal so in an attempt to become one with the brethren I smoked an ample amount of marijuana upon my arrival on campus. I walked into the student union and gave my speech to about 200 students.

Side Note: This was a rather large group of students, and about 10 to 15 were there to see me. The remaining 180 students were there simply to enjoy the free pizza and pop.

Back to the story

After finishing my speech I ran into some acquaintances that are working towards there Doctorate’s in psychology- so naturally we went back to there apartment and smoked more pot that I had inhaled in months. This group was full of highly intelligent individuals- save for me- so the conversations were rather heady.

The impending presidential election reared its ugly head and one random hippy stated that no matter how the election would end up this Obama phenomenon has been unprecedented.

I was stoned- so maybe my judgment was skewed- but I claimed that Obama’s rise has not been unparalleled and actually has some parallels to the rise of Eminem.

Please remember that I was higher than I had been in a very long time, I was a balloon with far too much hot air. I was so high that my stomach was roaring like Simba, but I was far too lazy to even come to a decision as to what munchie I wanted to munch upon.

So for shits and giggles I am going attempt to validate that claim. A quick caveat before I embark upon this highly ill fated literary journey. I really do believe Obama’s campaign is unprecedented- but just like my college debate team coach used to tell me (Yeah I was on the debate team and still got laid; like a young Stephen A. Douglas but with better hair- amazing) “You must support the position you are assigned, even if the position is antithetical to your core beliefs.” So here goes.

OBAMA & EMINEM
The easiest comparison to make is that of minorities coming to power in a field dominated by the majority. A black politician becoming the leader of the Democratic party- let alone the chance of actually becoming the next prez and leader of the free world is borderline unbelievable. Eminem’s ascent as a white m.c. in an industry dominated by black mc’s is fairly incredible in its own right. They are both Jay Z fans and have turned the majority of frat boys into salivating fanatics of their's.

AL SHARPTON & VANILLA ICE
We’ll start with those that preceded our protagonists. Those individuals that did not pave the road, but helped to erect road blocks for those wishing to follow in their footsteps include Vanilla Ice and Rev. Al Sharpton. Ice helped to turn White rappers into pariah's of the game. Sharpton was the last African-American presidential nominee and his campaign was sponsored by Barnum and Bailey due to his campaign serving as a side show to the actual election at hand.

REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT & DEBBIE MATHERS
Like Rev Wright, Mama Mathers was pivotal to the growth and development of Em. Once Em achieved a modicum of success she became a parasite attempting to suck the life out of his veins. Rev. Wright was a pseudo father figure for Obama and once Obama was nearing the pinnacle Wright became more liability than asset. Ties to both have been severed: so much for unconditional love.

ALAN KEYES & UNKNOWN RAPPER CAGE
Alan Keyes was sent by the Republican Party as an answer to this African-American Wunderkind from the Democratic Party named Obama. Keyes was not even from Illinois and had never actually lived in Illinois (he just came to fill in after fellow Republican Jack Ryan was forced to withdraw due his involvement in orgies (I actually may have voted for Ryan in lieu of Obama (I wonder if I am nearing a record for intertwined parenthesis))). Keyes claimed that Jesus Christ himself would vote against Obama, and in Uncle Tom fashion he supported the Reagan administration in its opposition to sanctions being imposed upon the racist apartheid pushing government of S. Africa. Keyes also thinks all homosexuals are hell bound- even his lesbian daughter- for shame Alan Keyes, for shame. Cage was white rapper that tried to ride the coattails of Eminem. Cage at one point was supported by Suge Knight and in a retaliatory attempt to hurt Dr. Dre. and Eminem. Suge thought that skin color was the reason for America’s fascination with Eminem, not the lyrics or actual musical talent. Cage and Keyes did prove that Obama and Eminem weren't successful due their races, they were successful due to their merit.

HILLARY CLINTON & KIM MATHERS
These two women have been both adversaries and allies to Obama and Eminem. Eminem and Kim have battled for years until Eminem reached the pinnacle of his career and they worked through their differences in an attempt to forge a lasting and successful union. Like Kim and Em, Hillary and Barack have battled and torn each other new assholes in the media, yet now that Obama is at the pantheon's door step he and Hillary are attempting a reconciliation in a bid to create a lasting and successful Democratic union. Both women have serious addiction issues- Kim has been addicted to smack and Hillary is a glutton for infidelity since she chooses to remain a Clinton. Plus they both have terrible hair and huge ankles.

SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY & DR. DRE
Dr. Dre is the living embodiment of what hip hop was in its hey day and what heights it could still achieve. Kennedy is royalty through and through; as the senior member of the clan from Camelot, Edward represents the old guard of the liberal party. Neither man needed to stick his neck out for an unknown, but they both did; and they both showed that their judgment of talent is as refined as their own abilities have already proven to be. Senator Ted Kennedy went against the Clinton machine and backed the man that reminded him of his late great brother Jack. Dre discovered and produced Eminem's first album and in doing so turned a white boy from the trailer park on 8 mile into hip hop royalty.

JOHHNY MAC & BENZINO
McCain and Benzino serve as the antagonists to our leading men. McCain and his feeling of entitlement stands in the way of Obama. Benzino and his jealousy attempted to derail the Eminem train. McCain is the head- figure and actual- of the Republican party. Benzino was the head of one of hip hop's classic publication's; The Source. Neither man was/is fully respected by their associates. Benzino's readers did not agree with his stance and McCain's fellow conservatives have had a hard time cuddling up to the increasingly abrasive McCain.

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Ok, my argument is over. Hopefully I created some conversational fodder for your water coolers. I am now going to read excerpts from Obama's recent fundraising event, but instead of silence in the background- The Slim Shady LP will be on.

Bankrupt

2008-07-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

Michael Vick declared bankruptcy as did the clothing company Steve and Barry's.

So apparently dog fighting and selling 10 dollar Starbury's are not the most profitable industries to become involved in.

Y'all may not see a link, but I do. The Starbury's were so cheap because the leather used in the shoes came from Michael Vick's deceased fighting dog's.

Ouch, did I go too far with that joke? NO

So it was manifest destiny for Steve, Barry, and Vick to claim bankruptcy on the same day.

Side Note: I really wish we could have seen an episode of the Dog Whisperer take place at the Vick compound. I feel like Caesar Milan would have gutted Vick like a fish in about 3 seconds. I was a huge Vick fan back in the day, but he has become one of the most reviled figures on the American landscape. He is so reprehensible that once he gets out I feel he may get a condo with O.J. and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Speaking of Iranian president and holocaust denier, SNL's Andy Sandberg has dedicated a beautiful song to the extremely homophobic Ahmadinjasjklhasdflghwergagd.

Side Note: I feel like this song would actually do well on the shiteous pop charts that feature the likes of Hannah Montana and the Jonas Bros.

Wow, this post started with bankruptcy and ended with a homoerotic spoof involving the new anti-Christ.

You can call me The Tangent King, which is exactly like Jim Morrison's lizard king except it doesn't make me want to suck off Jimi Hendrix.

McSquirm

2008-07-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

Watch Johnny Mac squirm to such a high degree that his depends must have been soiled by the end of the question and answer session.

I don't think this issue has the gravitas of the economic or foreign policy issues; but it is an issue none the less. And it is hilarious due to McCain literally- not figuratively- trying to crawl out of his own skin- Houdini would have been proud at this attempted escape.

Fuckin Hell

2008-07-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

I watched this while stoned and almost shit my pants.

Hell is a scary scary place.

FOLLOW THIS LINK

Dana Carvey

2008-07-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

I love SNL, and I love Dana Carvey

Here are some oldies but goodies.

Handicapped Crapper

2008-07-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

We stayed at this small villa/cottage in Manchester and I made a complete fool of myself.

The washrooms were all in a separate wing of the cottage. I walked down one morning to take a shower and ready myself for the day and all of the showers were occupied....all except for the handicapped washroom.

The handicapped washroom is the Shangri-la of washrooms at this villa. Private toilet, private sink, and private shower.

Heaven.

I think you can all see where this is going.

As I was shaving I heard voices outside of the bathroom door.

"Someone is in there honey, we'll just wait"

I considered jumping out of the window, but in England windows are too small for human bodies.

I though about walking out the door with a limp, or feeling my way around the walls as if I were devoid of sight.

I could pretend to be completely deaf, yep, that is exactly what I was going to do.

Back to reality: I packed my shit up as quickly as possible and scurried past the kid in the wheelchair like I had forgotten to wipe.

Stupid Sexy Einstein.

I'm Back

2008-07-09T17:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry, my London trip was way too wild and time consuming for me to keep up with all of my 23 readers. But you get what you pay for, and since I am paid zero dollars you should be thankful.

A quick story to get y'all back into the flow of my life.

I had to work with maybe the most disgusting human being I have ever met.

Every fiber of his being is completely diametrically opposed to the fibers of my being.

I can handle differing viewpoints and personalities, but this guy was appalling.

Let's focus on his diet for now.

We stopped at McDonald's and he dipped his french fries into vanilla ice cream.

At breakfast he poured gravy over everything on his plate-everything. The eggs, the bacon, the rolls, the bagels; - and once he completed his breakfast he drank all the excess gravy.

He would throw about 5 oreos into a glass of Dr. Pepper and drink it.

While we were up late one night working he would do shots of syrup.

I lost weight because I lost my appetite every time we were together.

Ex Factor

2008-07-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

The ex factor (ex-girlfriend) came over last night. It was a tad bit unexpected, like a hurricane, or a faulty breakline. I don't have much time to discuss her, for two reasons. Reason one is becasue I have to catch my flight to LONDON. Hecks yeah.

The second reason I can't talk about her is due to the fact that she is sitting on my couch. I feel sort of held hostage in my own home.

I still have to go by rubbers prior to my flight. I know England has condoms, but I only buy American.

Gotta go kick out an unwanted guest.

PS> I think she isn't leaving because I totally banged her last night. Sorry I'm weak.

My Survey to You

2008-06-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

I receive thousands (ok I'm lying there were only 3) letters and emails requesting more information about my reclusive life style so here are some answers to a form questionnaire I found online. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? The Bible....ha...kidding...I am reading Dubliners by James Joyce.

WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 9:30

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? MY MOUSE

FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Whenever I'm bored I drive downtown and throw change at poor people...oh not that kind of bored, well then.............Monopoly

FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Rolling Stone

BABIES? No human babies, just this alien I found in the woods, I call it Miplap, it can levitate and turn water into milk.

FAVOURITE SMELL? Sex and success

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Sobriety

FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? Who the fuck is this girl....this is a girl... (checking)...ok she's a girl...what is her name....how do I get her out of my bed.....I should leave and write her a note, fuck where is my pen.

FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Boy or Girl- I am naming it Fuckyou- imagine roll call in class if one of the student's name was Fuckyou.

FAVOURITE COLOUR? Pink (think about it)

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? Inner peace- hecks no- Sex, Booze, and Blowjobs

FAVOURITE FOOD! Sushi

IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I already play the violin, I know, I know, it is a ladies magnet.

YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? No- too stoned to drive fast

SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Yes, a real life squirrel, that I had stuffed serves as a paper weight on my dresser.

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A horse

WHO IS THE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? Timmy- he was my imaginary friend up until 3rd grade. I wonder what he's up to these days.

FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Amaretto Sour

WHAT'S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? What the fuck is the boot of my car, is this survey in Old English, or am I just dumb as fuck.

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I eat broccoli stems and chew on weed stems.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? A drug dealer to the stars, for real.

EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Only with myself

GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? My glass is always full. My servants are quick with the refills.

FAVOURITE MOVIE? The Godfather and Bang Bus's Greatest Hits

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? I have a secretary that types with her fingers on the right keys, otherwise I deport her

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? A body and 20 dollars

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST AMBITION? To be able to do a handstand

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? Inability to perform a successful handstand

IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? The moon

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Underwear- except I never wear any underwear

BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? A beach city on a mountain

TECHNOLOGY OR ART? Art - photography

COMEDY OR HORROR? Comedy

FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Legs

FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? The time of day I pass out. Passing out from a drug induced stupor, pure ecstasy, especially if the drug is ecstasy

THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? What the fuck is a CD

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? My Taint, with a woman's tongue

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? A strong mind that is attached to a strong body

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 6 am

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? A maid

WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? People

WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? Vespa

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? I don't believe in life, so no.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Fall. Not too sound too metro, but clothes in the Fall are so much cooler.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? The ability to make women fall in love with me just so I can break their hearts....or invisibility.

DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? I have a penis tattoo on my penis.

CAN YOU JUGGLE? Just women.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? June

WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Sushi

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SOAP? Dove

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? I feel like I already answered this question.....ummm sushi and steak

IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE? Salma Hayek's Pants

My Cartoon Kick

2008-06-30T18:00:00.001-07:00

Quick Recap-

Left work

Smoked Blunt

Went to State Democartic Party Meeting

Bought a bunch of Sushi

Came home

Pooped

Watched cartoons

Here is one of my favorite cartoon. It's called Salad Fingers, and there are like 5 more episodes. It is brazilliant.

BUNNY GO BYE BYE

2008-06-30T17:53:00.000-07:00

My words will do this video no justice...ahem....enjoy

BUNNY SUICIDES

Bits of Tid

2008-06-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

Why do drug dealers always need a ride somewhere-WHY? I have been buying copious amounts of drugs from these Arabic cats for about 3 years now, and they are still constantly broke. My habit alone has to be enough for them to maintain an apartment and a car payment, but it doesn't. Every time I roll over there they ask me to run them across town, or to taco bell, or to the arcade, or to the zoo.
Yes, one of the Arabs asked me to drive him over the the zoo, and to drop him off. I was too stoned to ask him any in depth questions, but the lunacy of the incident was not wasted on my sober brain.
I don't understand why people-mostly women- dance as they enter the bar. Why do they dance through the doorway, it that really necessary? The music will be playing for 5 more hours, yet your body must move as soon as it breaks that faux barrier with the outside world.
Inspired by Spain's victory in the Euro cup I decided to play some pickup soccer Sunday evening. However, in the hullabaloo created by my over zealous intentions I forgot to pack my shin guards- DUMB. Today my legs are swollen and bruised- my shins look like Amy Winehouse' face.
I am kind of hoping Amy Winehouse dies. I like her music, but she is getting on my nerves. Please fate just kill her so she can become this generation's Janis Joplin.

Milton, Latarian Milton

2008-06-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

My adopted son Latarian Milton is in trouble again. All jokes aside; this kid needs help in the worst way. I am going out on a ledge here, bbbbbut I'm blaming the parents. Poor kid.

I learned from DONTBECHI.COM, that he was supposed to be on Judge Judy and then his television appearance was canceled. Now the most famous 7 year old joy rider of all time has struck again.

Blunt Cake

2008-06-30T12:33:00.001-07:00

I called this post "Blunt Cake," HA. Did you get it, its a play on Bunt Cake, except it's Blunt Cake.....ok sorry.

Work Blows.

I want to smoke a blunt instead.

I work at a crisis management firm and most of these crises are way overblown. As soon as I get out of this tie I'm going to be way overblown....cause I'll be high. Do you get it?

I am going to count down to my favorite Blunts, starting from least favorite to favoritest.

Worst Blunt

Republican Rep. ROY BLUNT

His was pro-commuting Scooter Libby's indictment.

He is anti gay adoption.

He is also anti internet gambling- boo to you Roy "Worst Blunt Ever" Blunt

Less Worse Blunt

James Blunt
He dates hot chicks- jealous.

He is waaaaaayyyyyyyy too whiny for my liking.

The only reason he's is less worse than Roy Blunt, is that I may have dug a couple of his songs, but just a couple.

3RD FAVORITE BLUNT

Sir Anthony Blunt

He was knighted by the queen....Am I supposed to capitalize "the queen?" Who knows.

He was the 4th man in the Cambridge 5. What are the Cambridge 5 you ask....they were a group of highly successful spies in the 40's.

He is super bad ass.

2nd Favorite Blunt.

Emily Blunt

Why is she so high on the list you ask...maybe because I have pictured her while fucking a random skank from the bar.

Most Favoritest Blunt

One filled with Blueberry Yum Yum.

Yum Yum indeed.

Gas and Hoes

2008-06-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

As if I needed another reason to visit a brothel-

Nevada brothels offer gas cards, extra services during fuel crisis

Maniac Monday

2008-06-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I watched Wanted last night. The movie was bad ass, if it's held in context as a film that is just meant to be bad ass.

I am a very impressionable person. When I watched Blow I wanted to deal the coke. When I watched The Godfather I wanted to open up my own olive oil company as a front for mafia business arrangements. When I watched Munich, I wanted to be Jewish. When I played Grand Theft Auto, I wanted to run people over and rape prostitutes while carjacking guys wearing yellow sweaters. After watching Wanted I have this underlying urge to start fucking people up.

I have no idea why I'm writing this post.

PS---This is why I smoke pot, it levels me out. OK now I have to get back to work.

Soccer, Bitches

2008-06-30T00:41:00.000-07:00

SPAIN 1

GERMANY 0

EURO CUP @))* ohh sorry cap lock was still on, I meant to type 2008

I love soccer.

I played soccer.

I play soccer.

I have been laid because of soccer.

I don't understand why so many soccer fans want "The Beautiful Game" to become popular in the states.

I am glad the US hates soccer.

To me soccer is that great band that only you and a select few know about. You are glad they are unknown. If that band ever hits it big then every frat boy and sorority slut in town is all of a sudden into that band and they are thoroughly ruined.

Side Note: My new band of choice is "THE KINGS OF LEON." I know they are popular, but to an annoying degree yet, but I digress.
.

SO, my point is that I don't want my niche sport ruined by the majority.

.
I hate the majority.

Elect to Reject

2008-06-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

I was at Hooters the other night and surprisingly the waitress gave me her number- what can I say I'm bad ass. One of the guys at my table was this awkward cat and he asked me how I managed to swing the lady that I just swung. So I told him.

LUCK

That is my game, and nothing more. The convo then veered into talk of rejection. I informed him that for every Hooter's number I could lure into my pocket there was a rejection waiting in its wake to even out my fate. I also ascertained that I had the most severe rejection story of anyone at our table.

Stories began to abound and we were regaled with tales of abject failure, but mine took the cake.

My rejection tale begins about 5 years back while I was waiting tables. There was a lascivious brunette with my name written all over her. I flirted with her and laid the foundation for the day I would ask her out.

It was a Saturday night, around 8:30, and there was a festival in town that would last around 1 am. I asked Elizabeth if she would go with me and grab a drink, if we somehow managed to get out prior to 1 am.

She said yes, and she also said that it sounded like fun.

We were cut at 10, even though our restaurant closed at midnight.

Why were cut at 10, you ask, because I told my manager that if he would cut Elizabeth and I before 11, I would give him the blunt I had in my car.

As we were getting ready to leave Eliz, told me that she couldn't go. She said that she forgot she had a family reunion to get to.

A FUCKIN FAMILY REUNION. AT 11 PM ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

I was pissed off now, not only had I lost my pseudo date, but I was out of the only thing my sorrows could be drowned in- MY BLUNT.

And that my friends is the worst blow off story ever; unless y'all have some better ones.

Spray on Sex

2008-06-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

I hate condoms.

I hate the way they prevent my semen from spraying away from my shaft.

I hate peeling it off with a white creamy mess left it its absence.

BUT.............................................

The Germans have enriched our lives again. They have created a spray on condom.

SPRAY ON CONDOM.

I want to use it now. I want to spray liquid latex on my boner.

A German invention that benefits American men has been a long time coming, you know since we let them have David Hasellhoff.

Liquid latex is pumped onto the penis and hardens in 20-25 seconds, and then sex can commence.

They are trying to hasten the drying process, with the hopes of achieving a drying time of 10 seconds.

Worst Person of The Day

2008-06-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

I found this on the web, actually on BREAK.COM. Being the cynic that I am, I doubt that this is real, but for the sake of this post let's assume this is real. This voice mail made me feel so good about myself, since I am nothing like this guy. I can actually see why women think most men are douche bags. Aiy-yie-yie.

http://view.break.com/527579 - Watch more free videos

You Can Be A Ni#*er Too

2008-06-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I memorized every single song on Kris Kross's album, like "I missed the Bus."

I went to bed late but I didn't think late would EFFECT ME
Early came around
then late wouldn't LET ME
Wake up - WAKE UP - so I can get dressed I
guess my body was mad 'cause I gave it no rest
And when I finally did
awake it was a quarter to 8:00
Jumped in the shower and I know I was late
Stepped out put on my jeans and my Ewings
And said to myself if I miss
school I'm ruined
But I ran down hill and I RUSHED RUSHED
I ran down the
hill TRYIN TO CATCH THE BUS
I missed the bus [ohh] I missed the bus; I missed the bus [ohh]
And that is somethin I will never ever ever do again

But then I realized that they were corny as fuck when I finally hit puberty and grew some hair on my balls. So I began listening to Nasty Nas.

And now he has dropped a "controversial" album.

So he is the first single off the album. It's called "You Can be a Ni#*er Too."

I like the song. I know that all 10 of my readers vary completely in their taste's, so what do you think?

Russel Brand

2008-06-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am sure I have sung this guy's praises before, but he is my new comedian of the week. I have never actually had a comedian of the week, so I guess that also makes him my first comic of the week, but I digress.

He is hilarious and he has been clinically diagnosed as a nymphomaniac.

A nympho U.K. actor/comedian.

If that doesn't scream Sexy Einstein, then I don't know what does.

Oh yeah, if you haven't seen "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" then you surely must. It is very funny, and there are plenty of full frontal male nudity for all the ladies and gaylords out there.

How Does My Ass Taste?

2008-06-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

Shaq shits on Kobe and wants to know the flavor of his giant behind.

I love Shaq.

By the way I liked Kobe alot more when he was a suspected rapist, not the face of the NBA. He is too "plastic" now.

But Shaq, is the 'ish

I also found this video and this made me laugh out loud.

It's understated and calming.

A Philly comic kicks it -A Capella - for the ladies.

Johnny Mac's Veep

2008-06-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

Johnny Mac has a big decision to make; really big since he is down double digits to Obama in the polls.

WHO WILL BE THE VEEP?

I am sure Johnny Mac is very capable of choosing a number 2, but I have a couple cents that I am donating to his search, free of charge.

So onto my analysis of the possible Veeps and my choice for Johnny Mac's Veep:

Tim Pawlenty

He has an approval rating of 70% in Minnesota. But Minnesota also elected Jesse "The Body" Ventura as Gov. prior to Tiny Tim, so what the fuck do they know. Tim looks like he has a stamp collection, so he has about a 10% chance to become VEEP; sorry Timmy.

Charlie Crist

I actually like Crist, even though he has a God complex due to his last name almost being Christ. This guy lives in Miami and could have half a dozen hot Cuban mistresses if he wants. I doubt Johnny Mac wants an old due so much cooler than he is. He has a 25% chance of being named VEEP; for Crist's sake.

Bobby Jindal

Bobby is the hot candidate as of late. I sure am glad he escaped from Guantanamo Bay with Harold. If he joins McCain's ticket, will Johnny Quest come along too. There is a 20% of Jindal becoming the Veep because Dell would have to hire a new tech. support guy. In all seriousness though, Johnny Mac is twice this guy's age. Johnny Mac's pair of adult diapers have seniority over Jindal. Don't you think Johnny Mac would get annoyed every time Air Force One would have to perform a security strip search on Jindal; I do.

Condoleeza Rice

Black, Check. Woman, Check. Face like horse that was run over by a tank, Check. Rice is smart and an evil genius, so I'll give her 35% chance of being named the Veep. I think the Mac man would always assume someone is bringing him dinner when her name is announced.

Mitt Romney

Johnny Mac and Mitt hate each other, which would probably make for a great partnership. They could be our generation's Odd Couple. They could be the new Crockett and Tubbs. They could be the new Tango and Nash. I give Romney a 60% chance of being named Veep. I deducted points because he is a little too good looking for a Republican Governor.

Mike Huckabee

I fuckin hate this guy. Look at his squirrel face. By the way he ate squirrels as a child. Sick bastard. The religious right does like this guy alot, so I am going with 55% chance of Veep possibility. The guy moved his family into a mobile home while his Governor's Mansion was being remodeled. You can take the man out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the man. He also doesn't believe in evolution; yikes. He is a dumb country bumpkin.

MY CHOICE

GEORGE BUSH

He is allowed to become a Veep even though he in the incumbent president. Johnny Mac could ask Bush's opinion on topics and do the exact opposite. But as a writer that loves to try his hand at comedy, Bush creates some of the best fodder. What better way to have Bush sans the power than to have him serve as Veep. So here's to McCain-Bush in '08.

New Stoner Song

2008-06-26T14:10:00.001-07:00

I love this song- why? Because it not only gets me in the mood to smoke pot, but it also enhances my buzz.

If I was a tampon Flobots would be blood, because I absorb their music 100%. No leaks.

Peace out.

Drive by Relationship

2008-06-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

Fun Game Alert- Drive on the expressway with your knees while rolling a joint on the back of you blackberry; and try not to die, cause that's what I can do. Bitches

Alright, peep this. I was wooed, dated, and then dumped during that same ride home. As I completed rolling that joint I laid it in the passenger seat and buckled it in until I could find my lighter; safety first. I pulled off of the expressway and DA-DA, I saw her. She was a brunette with blue eyes that caused a deep languor to set into my knees. But what the fuck was I to do, I was driving and as a driver I had to remain as laconic as possible, so I continued looking for my lighter and drove.

We hit the same light. I looked to my right and she smiled and waved at me. I waved back, and I couldn't wipe the cheesy ass 3rd grade grin off of my face.

We hit the next light. I threw my hands up incredulously, she smile and mouthed follow me.

Oh yes.

I got behind her, with the hopes of getting inside her. There was a Rite Aid up ahead and she put her blinker on. I threw that little annoying green arrow on as well. She pulled into the parking lot slowly, and as she did all I could think about was "Should I run into Rite Aid and pick up some condoms now, or would that be too presumptuous...maybe she will let me hit it bareback."

And then she took off. Gone is less than 60 seconds.

I was crushed. I was dumped by a woman I never dated.

It hurt.

What a bitch, why would she run me through the gamut of emotions. One caveat here, if she were to come back all would be forgiven, but she never did.

Lucky for me my joint got my spirits back up.

Drunk Driver

2008-06-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Scene: A cookout. My friend Shredder's place.

Side Note: I realize that many of my tales begin with "I was at this cook out," which may illicit images of rap videos and volley ball matches, but that is not the case. My friend has an unreal house on the lake with a barbecue pit that causes salivation on sight. But there is definitely hip hop serving as background music.

ANYWAYS

There were vodka martinis aplenty and bikini clad women...so heaven was not too far away. My sobriety had passed me by hours ago, so I kept on drinking until I had to puke.

Instead of actually throwing up I just grabbed some food and stuffed my face.

I was so drunk that I neglected hitting on the ladies just to sing Bon Jovi with my friends and tell them how much I loved them.

Singing "Livin On A Prayer" and "You Give Love a Bad Name" while wasted is one of the most enjoyable activities known to man.

HERE"S WHEN IT GETS INTERESTING

I had my car keys on me, but I honestly never intended to drive; seriously. I walked around to the side of the house to relieve my bladder from the growing pressure caused by the excess alcohol resting within it.

As I was peeing I dropped my cigarette and knelt down to pick it up, but forgot that I was still peeing and my urine went rogue for a moment.

I noticed that some of the party goers were laughing at me, so I decided to "get funnier." I walked to my car, sat inside it, and turned it on. I waited for someone to notice and nada. I threw the car in drive and inched it forward about 10 yards, and still nobody noticed.

All of a sudden I realized that drunk driving isn't so tough. I just drove a perfect 10 yards, without an incident. I lived literally 2 miles away, so I threw caution to the wind and drove home.

Even though I avoid drunk driving at all costs, I have to admit I am very good at it.

But I had a slip up on this day. I accidentally drove right past the entrance to my subdivision and decided to throw the car in reverse on this main road. I also accidentally drove my car up onto the curb while in reverse. Not good times.

I made it home with nothing but guilt on my conscience and dirt on my vehicle.

I may need help at some point.

American Graffiti

2008-06-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Romero Luvs Halley

Bad Ass Chicka hearts Q-Tip ...

Amy loves Adam

Rob sucks cock

Melanie will suck your dick call 4238944

I' ve been taking a couple of new routes during my jogging excursions. I have been running beneath a viaduct and couldn't help but to notice some of the above proclamations that adorned the cement walls serving as notebook pages for our town criers.

I wonder how everlasting some of these relationships were. I wonder if Melony actually sucks dick. I wonder why she hasn't returned my phone calls. I wish scientist would could studying mice in mazes and study the effects of graffiti on the male female dynamic.

This post sounded way funnier in my head.

Sham-Wow

2008-06-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to the Sham-Wow guy. This one minute infomercial not only educates but it leaves my laughing my ass off. The spokesman- Vince- is the new Ron Popeil.

Ron and I had a very close relationship while I was in college. When my roommates and I would get home from the bar we would get stoned and turn on the television. DA-DA; here's Ron telling us about a food dehydrator, or spray on hair, or- and this is the best- the Ron Popeil Rotisserie. We were stoned and Ron was showing us images of the most gloriously succulent chicken I had ever seen. It almost left me feeling guilty about plowing throw the bag of Combos that rested on my lap.

Even though I live alone now and can't really afford to get high as often as I did...I plow through those reservations and get high anyway. For some reason info-mercials speak loudest to pot-heads, and woman that own a large amount of felines.

Vince from Sham-Wow is my new stoner buddy. When he praises the German's for their ingenuity I lose it. He is Fred Astaire to the Sham-Wow's Ginger Rogers in their magical dance. When his accent that screams of the Southey projects in Boston gets thickah I picture him in a bar with Sully arguing over the virtues of Sham-Wow.

Sully: Sham-Wow ain't shit, Bounty is the truth

Sham-Wow Guy: The thickah quickah pickah uppah has got squat on my impervious sham-wow. How do yah like dem apples. Now shut up the Saux are on, Baaaastan.

If I were ever to go to rehab I would definitely need to take Vince and his Sham-Wow commercial with me.