I am not obediently taking my seat at the Republican table. I am not a spoke in the wheel the government is currently spinning us on. I am not a passive, blind, uneducated, flaccid acceptor of the lies handed down to me from political parties, media, biased textbooks and teachers, or God shrouded behind a preacher’s robe. I am not running their rat race; because even if I win, I’m still a fucking rat.
September 11th has become a badge of honor sewn onto the shirts of the members of the Republican Party. September 11th has become the Nike swoosh, except in lieu of Just Do It the slogan reads Democrats Are Such Humongous Pussies That If They Were Elected 9-11 Would Become The Norm. 9-11 is this imaginary badge of courage the Repubs flash when they can’t compensate in any other way for their deficiencies.
What do you do if your policies are outdated and as retarded as Corky from Life Goes On….evoke 9-11.
What do you do if you’re the worst president this country has ever seen and you are running for reelection….talk like a cowboy about 9-11.
What do you do if you are a lisp inflicted Mayor that sat on his hands and enacted zero anti terror mandates, and placed the headquarters of your terrorism task force in the same twin towers that the task force was assembled to protect……bring up 9-11 so much that Bin Laden gets jealous because you are stealing his claim to fame.
What do you do if you are a 72 year old former POW and the only thing that can invigorate your base, short of you stepping aside, is to nominate a racist, retard producing, misogynistic, hill-billy from Wasilla, Alaska……….you nominate that bitch and you do nothing but bring up 9-11 and your experience as a failed soldier in an attempt to convince idiot America that you are their long lost savior.
Republicans claim that we are safer when they are at the helm, that the Dems would allow terror attacks to hit our country in droves. All of a sudden these conniving crooked politicians find clairvoyance and develop a connection to the great unknown. Lest we forget 9-11 happened while the Republicans were in office, except somehow the buck stopped at the desk of the Dems. Claiming that the Democrats could not prevent an attack is futile when YOU did not prevent the original attack.
9-11 meant so much to my generation, because it crushed us for the first time. 9-11 was the first life altering event that we had ever experienced. We had grown up during the glorious Clinton years and thought that the peace we were experiencing was everlasting. We thought that our tranquility was manifest, not man made. We thought that America protected us, when it was us that had to protect her. The after effects of 9-11 saw unity that today seems unfathomable. 9-11 was not a political battle cry for the religious right….the same religious right that claimed it was God’s vengeance for homosexuality. 9-11 birthed a new level of love of country; and most of us did everything in our power to soothe our injured America and nurse her back to full strength. We looked to our leader to guide us, to give our zeal an outlet. Our leader, George Bush told us to shop. SHOP! He initiated the branding of 9-11 for his party, and now it does not evoke that sense of national pride, it has become an advertisement for the Republican Party.
We need to steal back 9-11. It is not the property of The Republican Party or The Democratic Party. 9-11 is our scar as a nation. 9-11 is not a political devise to divide my 50 year old neighbor and me because we differ politically. It is the most non-partisan issue in existence. 9-11 is not ambiguous like abortion, global warming, or stem cell research; it is the most concrete issue in this country. Even though the Republican Party continually paints 9-11 rouge, it is not red. Fuck, it’s not blue; it is red, white, and blue. We want it back. 9-11 is not a political strategy a la Willie Horton, because political strategy is forgotten, as evidenced by the amount of you that just Googled Willie Horton. 9-11 is not equivalent to Palin’s poor Downs syndrome inflicted child; a political tool used to drum up support. 9-11 is the source of my heartache as an American and where I find pride in the country that I love. I want it back, you slimy fucks. I don’t want 9-11 dirtied by all the filth underneath your fingernails. It belongs to the citizens of this country, not to a political party. GIVE IT BACK.
RNC THOUGHTS
What a great convention for the Republican ticket. McCain and Palin are such mavericks, like two egotistical peas in a narcissistic pod.
Here are my quick hits on the week that was.
McCain is a hero, that’s a given, but the story lost its force when it was his turn to relay it since I had already heard it 80 times prior to his speech. McCain and his story of horrendous incessant torture forces us to look at torture in a new light. McCain’s party legalized torture; the same torture that nearly took his life is currently being carried out, legally mind you, by our government. McCain does not hate war like he claims, he loves it- because without war McCain would not be McCain. The way he whores out his story makes pimps everywhere jealous. He claims that his experience in Hanoi made him realize how great his country was- WOW. It took THIS, for you to realize your country was great, how shallow and vainglorious were you. I think the entire Republican Party now owes Michelle Obama an apology. We forget that McCain was captured while bombing Vietnam during an unjust war, just like the one we are entrenched in today. If this experience changed him so magnificently then why is he allowing thousands of his fellow citizens to go through similar experiences? The neurotransmitters in McCain’s head must have some switched circuits because he doesn’t see that his status as war hero does not allow him the right to monger for more wars.
This is my gay moment, but apparently the no white after Labor Day rule doesn’t apply to Laura Bush.
The saving grace for Sarah Palin is that she is “just like us,” that our neighbor’s live lives just like her. I DON’T WANT LEADERS LIKE ME OR MY NEIGHBORS, OUR LEADERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER. I don’t want a woman with a broadcasting degree from Idaho; I want the Kennedy’s. I want a Rhode’s scholar a la Clinton. I don’t want politicians that I can relate to, because as a person I am pretty shitty, I want politicians I revere and look up to. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can be president; I want only the best, a select few, to dream that high, not the ‘tards in the back of the classroom eating paint chips.
The crowd at the RNC was soooooooooo old. It looked like an arthritis advertisement, Tylenol must have sold out in the Twin Cities. They must have had about 100 defibrillators in the lobby at the ready.
I feel bad for Levi “Baby Daddy” Johnston. He was just trying to get some strange and ended up with a forced marriage. Will someone tell Levi and Bristol that they are allowed to cease the hand holding for a second, or did the secret service surgically attach their palms in an effort to feign true love.
I am happy Bobby Jindal escaped Guantanamo bay with Harold in time to help New Orleans brace itself against Gustav. Too bad it took Katrina for you to realize that some people in this country may need help; 3 years too late you fuck.
Not since Woody Allen slept with his adopted daughter has a man fucked something previously sacred to him like Leiberman fucked the Democratic Party this week.
Unbiased Alert: Fred Thompson should have been the nominee- great speaker and great jabs at Obama. He was the heir apparent to Reagan, not the bag of flour we call McCain. Too bad he treated the primaries like a Law and Order rehearsal.
How can independents vote McCain when the Repub base did not support him until he picked Palin?
Sarah Palin took over the convention- I felt like she was the presidential candidate, weird vibe. Why would PTA Palin castigate Obama’s experience as a community organizer? Listen here bitch- a city organizer in Chicago does a lot more than a mayor in Shitsville, Alaska. While Obama was dealing with crime- organized and otherwise, health care, and a job crisis; you were bringing in a Wal-Mart and issuing fishing licenses to toothless gold miners.
Rudy Guliani went from America’s unifying force during 9-11 to a despicable divisive force that uses that tragic event as a platform. If Guliani and Leiberman had a child the devil would have a sibling. Rudy is a wretched piece of horse shit devoid of any and all shame; if he was a prostitute he would be in airport bathrooms getting fisted while Larry Craig watched with glee. His speech was more akin to a Klan rally than to a political convention. Of course this is the Republican Party so an attempt to emulate the Klan may have been premeditated.
All the Republicans kept telling me that they were taking off their Republican hats and putting on their American hats….no wonder the deficit is what it is Bush made 10 million Republican hats and passed them around…the Democrats are fiscally responsible, I don’t have a single Dem hat.
Palin claiming that her curriculum vitae makes her ready to take over for McCain whenever he kicks the bucket housing his list is like the valedictorian of summer school trying to get admitted to Harvard.
I am not calling Palin a racist, but I wonder, since she is from a small town in Alaska- Has she ever seen a person of color prior to joining us here on the mainland? Other than the Inuits, Eskimo, and Carlos Boozer; are there any minorities in that great state?
The Repubs love to point to Palin’s 80% approval rating as an example of her infinite wisdom and as a concrete example of her power to lead- which is a valid argument to make. But let’s juxtapose that with the approval rate of the current administration- what does that say Repubs….What, you don’t think that’s relevant…..Ok, guys go back to your fantasy land of Reagan worship, war mongering, and bible thumping. Republicans are the sole reason I am happy the gun laws are so lax- it allows me the right to protect myself against their psychosis.
Every McCain sentence started with “We need to do this,” but it never told us how he planned on doing the things we needed done. More policy and less Hanoi stories; I beg you. I am truly in debt to your service and feel horrible for the pain you endured to ensure my right to write this. But how is that story going to bring me health insurance, how is that story going to keep us out of future wars, and how does that story make you more qualified than Obama. IT DOESN’T.
McCain should contract out his speeches, because he should never be permitted to stand at a lectern again. He should pay someone else to speak on his behalf, maybe Morgan Freeman, because he made me hate the English language last night. Watching McCain speak was as uncomfortable as watching a rape.
Having the evil reticence of Karl Rove analyze politics on a fair and balanced, un-biased ‘cough, cough,’ news organization like The Fox News Network is like having Jeffrey Dahmer rate restaurants for Zagat.
All this tough talk by McCain and his retinue did not leave me feeling patriotic or safe; I am worried that if they win ,we will war more. I am scared that they will lead us into another conflict that doesn’t perpetuate safety but only serves to expose the neoconservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism. This convention and the Republican Party as a whole is attempting, through politics and culture, to ensnare ordinary people in a giant web of nationhood pretending to a common interest- even though the interest are inherently uncommon.
I need a political break after these aforementioned 2 weeks. I may have to go bang a librarian to relieve some of this Sarah Palin hatred I feel. Oh yeah, did you here that Star Jones is dating a chef- a gourmet cook. Herb Wilson, the executive chef at Manhattan’s Sohoand Tribeca Grand hotels is Star’s new swain. That would be like me dating one of Patron’s daughters or Manuela Escobar.
P.S. If anyone actually reads the drivel I write please vote; because if Obama loses I will blame the entire apathetic 18-29 demograpghic while I book a one way ticket to Brazil.
Hasta
Here are my quick hits on the week that was.
McCain is a hero, that’s a given, but the story lost its force when it was his turn to relay it since I had already heard it 80 times prior to his speech. McCain and his story of horrendous incessant torture forces us to look at torture in a new light. McCain’s party legalized torture; the same torture that nearly took his life is currently being carried out, legally mind you, by our government. McCain does not hate war like he claims, he loves it- because without war McCain would not be McCain. The way he whores out his story makes pimps everywhere jealous. He claims that his experience in Hanoi made him realize how great his country was- WOW. It took THIS, for you to realize your country was great, how shallow and vainglorious were you. I think the entire Republican Party now owes Michelle Obama an apology. We forget that McCain was captured while bombing Vietnam during an unjust war, just like the one we are entrenched in today. If this experience changed him so magnificently then why is he allowing thousands of his fellow citizens to go through similar experiences? The neurotransmitters in McCain’s head must have some switched circuits because he doesn’t see that his status as war hero does not allow him the right to monger for more wars.
This is my gay moment, but apparently the no white after Labor Day rule doesn’t apply to Laura Bush.
The saving grace for Sarah Palin is that she is “just like us,” that our neighbor’s live lives just like her. I DON’T WANT LEADERS LIKE ME OR MY NEIGHBORS, OUR LEADERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER. I don’t want a woman with a broadcasting degree from Idaho; I want the Kennedy’s. I want a Rhode’s scholar a la Clinton. I don’t want politicians that I can relate to, because as a person I am pretty shitty, I want politicians I revere and look up to. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can be president; I want only the best, a select few, to dream that high, not the ‘tards in the back of the classroom eating paint chips.
The crowd at the RNC was soooooooooo old. It looked like an arthritis advertisement, Tylenol must have sold out in the Twin Cities. They must have had about 100 defibrillators in the lobby at the ready.
I feel bad for Levi “Baby Daddy” Johnston. He was just trying to get some strange and ended up with a forced marriage. Will someone tell Levi and Bristol that they are allowed to cease the hand holding for a second, or did the secret service surgically attach their palms in an effort to feign true love.
I am happy Bobby Jindal escaped Guantanamo bay with Harold in time to help New Orleans brace itself against Gustav. Too bad it took Katrina for you to realize that some people in this country may need help; 3 years too late you fuck.
Not since Woody Allen slept with his adopted daughter has a man fucked something previously sacred to him like Leiberman fucked the Democratic Party this week.
Unbiased Alert: Fred Thompson should have been the nominee- great speaker and great jabs at Obama. He was the heir apparent to Reagan, not the bag of flour we call McCain. Too bad he treated the primaries like a Law and Order rehearsal.
How can independents vote McCain when the Repub base did not support him until he picked Palin?
Sarah Palin took over the convention- I felt like she was the presidential candidate, weird vibe. Why would PTA Palin castigate Obama’s experience as a community organizer? Listen here bitch- a city organizer in Chicago does a lot more than a mayor in Shitsville, Alaska. While Obama was dealing with crime- organized and otherwise, health care, and a job crisis; you were bringing in a Wal-Mart and issuing fishing licenses to toothless gold miners.
Rudy Guliani went from America’s unifying force during 9-11 to a despicable divisive force that uses that tragic event as a platform. If Guliani and Leiberman had a child the devil would have a sibling. Rudy is a wretched piece of horse shit devoid of any and all shame; if he was a prostitute he would be in airport bathrooms getting fisted while Larry Craig watched with glee. His speech was more akin to a Klan rally than to a political convention. Of course this is the Republican Party so an attempt to emulate the Klan may have been premeditated.
All the Republicans kept telling me that they were taking off their Republican hats and putting on their American hats….no wonder the deficit is what it is Bush made 10 million Republican hats and passed them around…the Democrats are fiscally responsible, I don’t have a single Dem hat.
Palin claiming that her curriculum vitae makes her ready to take over for McCain whenever he kicks the bucket housing his list is like the valedictorian of summer school trying to get admitted to Harvard.
I am not calling Palin a racist, but I wonder, since she is from a small town in Alaska- Has she ever seen a person of color prior to joining us here on the mainland? Other than the Inuits, Eskimo, and Carlos Boozer; are there any minorities in that great state?
The Repubs love to point to Palin’s 80% approval rating as an example of her infinite wisdom and as a concrete example of her power to lead- which is a valid argument to make. But let’s juxtapose that with the approval rate of the current administration- what does that say Repubs….What, you don’t think that’s relevant…..Ok, guys go back to your fantasy land of Reagan worship, war mongering, and bible thumping. Republicans are the sole reason I am happy the gun laws are so lax- it allows me the right to protect myself against their psychosis.
Every McCain sentence started with “We need to do this,” but it never told us how he planned on doing the things we needed done. More policy and less Hanoi stories; I beg you. I am truly in debt to your service and feel horrible for the pain you endured to ensure my right to write this. But how is that story going to bring me health insurance, how is that story going to keep us out of future wars, and how does that story make you more qualified than Obama. IT DOESN’T.
McCain should contract out his speeches, because he should never be permitted to stand at a lectern again. He should pay someone else to speak on his behalf, maybe Morgan Freeman, because he made me hate the English language last night. Watching McCain speak was as uncomfortable as watching a rape.
Having the evil reticence of Karl Rove analyze politics on a fair and balanced, un-biased ‘cough, cough,’ news organization like The Fox News Network is like having Jeffrey Dahmer rate restaurants for Zagat.
All this tough talk by McCain and his retinue did not leave me feeling patriotic or safe; I am worried that if they win ,we will war more. I am scared that they will lead us into another conflict that doesn’t perpetuate safety but only serves to expose the neoconservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism. This convention and the Republican Party as a whole is attempting, through politics and culture, to ensnare ordinary people in a giant web of nationhood pretending to a common interest- even though the interest are inherently uncommon.
I need a political break after these aforementioned 2 weeks. I may have to go bang a librarian to relieve some of this Sarah Palin hatred I feel. Oh yeah, did you here that Star Jones is dating a chef- a gourmet cook. Herb Wilson, the executive chef at Manhattan’s Sohoand Tribeca Grand hotels is Star’s new swain. That would be like me dating one of Patron’s daughters or Manuela Escobar.
P.S. If anyone actually reads the drivel I write please vote; because if Obama loses I will blame the entire apathetic 18-29 demograpghic while I book a one way ticket to Brazil.
Hasta
Levi- not the jeans
Meet Levi Johnston, the man that sired a child with Bristol (city in England) Palin. He claimed, via his myspace page, that he is a “fuckin redneck” and that he would “kick your ass if you fucked with him.” I am going out on a limb, but I’m guessing a redneck hockey playing Alaskan probably would kick my ass since I wax my chest and listen to Enya.I like this guy. If McCain wins I hope this guy gets a cabinet seat, maybe he could be the new secretary of homeland security relieving Michael Chertoff.
This kid has set up a Blog explaining to the world what makes him tick. I am thinking that this "honest" blog was created and written by a campaign advisor, but whatever. I did think that the comments people left for him were outrageous....and funny. So I decided to snipe them and present them here for you to read and laugh at along with me.
13 comments:
Anonymous said...
I'm the real father.
September 2, 2008 12:49 PM
Anonymous said...
Maybe you should go on Maury and take a Paternity test like all the other fucking red-necks do!
September 2, 2008 12:54 PM
Anonymous said...
If you want me to believe that this was written by an 18 y.o redneck you have got be kidding. No one in that age bracket growing up as a fish picker in the Alaskan public high school system...oh wait that's wrong..in the "alternative education" (drop out) system, is that eloquent or well-worded (for all you fish pickers that don't know what eloquent means.)Do the Republicans really think we are that dumb??????
September 2, 2008 12:55 PM
Anonymous said...
Don' talk about my babies father like that! He supplies me with the Captain Morgan's!
September 2, 2008 12:56 PM
Anonymous said...
Is that retard baby yours too?
September 2, 2008 1:07 PM
BL said...
Wait, how do you get someone pregnant if you don't have a penis? I'm calling shenanigans here Levi...
September 2, 2008 1:09 PM
The Beanweed said...
I find it sad that a lot of people are so cruel! Why does it matter if these kids had sex and got pregnant. Why does it matter that they want to get married and try to make a go of this? Isn't that what a lot of 21, 22, 23, 24 and 25 year olds end up doing? I hope this doesn't make people turn their backs on the McCain/Palin ticket. These things do not make Sara Palin a bad person or someone we shouldn't look up to. Life happens, crap happens in life, good things come out of mistakes that we human beings make. All I can say is that I hope Bristol and Levi can make a go out of marriage and have many happy years together raising their children. I hope one day that the other teens that made fun of these kids will know what it is like to have your private life and mistakes blabbed to the whole world and have to deal with the pain that they caused these kids! Levi, I commend you for stepping up to the plate and taking on being a realy family at such a young age! Bristol, I know life may be hard right now, but all of this hoopla is going tobe worth it the moment you hold that baby in your arms! Supporter of Levi and Bristol
September 2, 2008 1:18 PM
Anonymous said...
You too are so cute...be strong! Fuck the media.
September 2, 2008 1:26 PM
Anonymous said...
yes you are a redneck. a young, dumb redneck who will regret making that comment when you are old enough to realize how STUPID you sound! good luck in the real world because they are gonna eat you alive for this stuff.
September 2, 2008 1:28 PM
Anonymous said...
So, were you really taught abstinence in high school? Uh, I think you might've failed the course.
September 2, 2008 1:45 PM
Anonymous said...
Your poor kid is doomed.
September 2, 2008 1:54 PM
Anonymous said...
Gotta be fake. No 18 year old redneck in the history of the world has ever correctly used a semicolon.
September 2, 2008 2:20 PM
Anonymous said...
I don't know you. What I do know is that my heart goes out to you and your girlfriend; facing a hypocritical media, as well as a nation whose political knowledge can be compared with Lindsey Lohan's knowledge of nuclear physics. Mistakes happen. It's best to remember that how you treat people is your karma... but how they treat you is theirs. Good Luck with everything. PS. And to whomever made the comment re: fish picking and public school systems- I graduated from public school systems in a 'podunk' down in southwest Missouri. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from a top 100 business school, and if I could reveal my identity, you'd feel awfully stupid. So go ahead and vote for Obama. He needs the votes of ignorant, unlearned folks like you. Also, I find your punctuation and grammar atrocious, your rhetoric nauseating, and your awful syntax worrisome. Maybe you could take an English lesson from that po' little fish-picker.
September 2, 2008 2:26 PM
Marriage Sucks
I was given this key piece of advice a couple of years back by the biggest stud known to man- Trevor.
Trevor is a 40 ish year old bartender at a local bar, so he knows something about life and love. He is has an 8th grade education but his dick is a Rhodes Scholar. The guy screws more women than the Republican party; and he told me this:
AND HE WAS RIGHT!
I currently live in a life of fear, but it's worth it cause the sex is amazing. Remember how you felt when the heard the ice cream trucks tune come around the corner...well that is how I feel when I see Renee's face pop up on my phone alerting me to her incoming call.
I met Renee a couple of years back. She was married. She was as lascivious as a woman could be. In an attempt to earn extra money I began to tutor at the University for a small fee; I never thought Renee would pay me with sex in the stead of bills. I am telling you the back story to lay the foundation for our escapade a couple of weeks ago.
I was too busy and maybe too out of whack to pull some strange so I logged onto my lap top and clicked on the excel spread sheet titled SEXCAPADES. This file is a comprehensive breakdown of the women that I have bedded. I have detailed every aspect of their physical makeup as well as the circumstances of our split- amicable or despicable. I came across Renee's name and immediately wanted to cum across her face....so I called her. I had to make sure she was still down, so I sang her the Jon B "Still Down Song."
I wonder what happened to Jon B.....do you think him and Snow opened up a Skating Rink in Florida....or do they sell insurance in The Napa Valley....I wonder.
So Renee popped over. She lives an hour and a half away which at least gives me the feeling of safety by proximity. We proceeded to fuck inside my house and then she blew me inside the Italian leather confine of her husband's porche.
I am relaying this story to you by way of the web to further illustrate why the holy union is neither holy nor unifying. Marriage has gone the way of the Dodo bird. Renee told me that her biggest regret is not having more sex prior to marrying the "man of her dreams." She cheats on a relatively successful man- he is also a good looking guy- I don't get it. I realize that fucking a married women doesn't make me a bastion of good judgment or sound morals, but I feel it speaks even less of the married woman's scruples.
So this is just another example in a long line of examples against ever walking the real walk of shame- down a Church aisle to marry a woman that loathes monogamy just as much as I do.
Trevor is a 40 ish year old bartender at a local bar, so he knows something about life and love. He is has an 8th grade education but his dick is a Rhodes Scholar. The guy screws more women than the Republican party; and he told me this:
If an attractive married women wants to sleep with you and
you either have a death wish or are a trained cage fighter then what the hell do
it. Sex with a married woman will be the best sex of your life. When a married
women has an affair it is equivalent to you being in the penitentiary for 20
years and then being released and unleashing all 20 years of pressure with the
first attractive woman you see. She is choosing you to do what her husband
cannot do, and she will do to you what her husband doesn’t appreciate. But
seriously be careful because you are probably going to be killed.
AND HE WAS RIGHT!
I currently live in a life of fear, but it's worth it cause the sex is amazing. Remember how you felt when the heard the ice cream trucks tune come around the corner...well that is how I feel when I see Renee's face pop up on my phone alerting me to her incoming call.
I met Renee a couple of years back. She was married. She was as lascivious as a woman could be. In an attempt to earn extra money I began to tutor at the University for a small fee; I never thought Renee would pay me with sex in the stead of bills. I am telling you the back story to lay the foundation for our escapade a couple of weeks ago.
I was too busy and maybe too out of whack to pull some strange so I logged onto my lap top and clicked on the excel spread sheet titled SEXCAPADES. This file is a comprehensive breakdown of the women that I have bedded. I have detailed every aspect of their physical makeup as well as the circumstances of our split- amicable or despicable. I came across Renee's name and immediately wanted to cum across her face....so I called her. I had to make sure she was still down, so I sang her the Jon B "Still Down Song."
Baby are you still down(Are you still down)
Are you down for me baby
Baby are you still down(I want to lay your body down right here)
Still down for me
Baby are you still down
Still down for me
Baby are you still down(Baby you belong to me)
Still down for me
Baby are you still down
Still down for me
Baby are you still down(Are you lonely out there, alright)
Still down for me
Baby are you still down(Come on right away now baby)
Still down for me
Baby are you still down(I want you, do you want me to)
Still down for me
Baby are you still down(So on and on and on and on)
Still down for me
Baby are you still down
Still down for me
Baby are you still down
Are you still down for me
Baby are you still down
Still down for me
You still down for me?
I wonder what happened to Jon B.....do you think him and Snow opened up a Skating Rink in Florida....or do they sell insurance in The Napa Valley....I wonder.
So Renee popped over. She lives an hour and a half away which at least gives me the feeling of safety by proximity. We proceeded to fuck inside my house and then she blew me inside the Italian leather confine of her husband's porche.
I am relaying this story to you by way of the web to further illustrate why the holy union is neither holy nor unifying. Marriage has gone the way of the Dodo bird. Renee told me that her biggest regret is not having more sex prior to marrying the "man of her dreams." She cheats on a relatively successful man- he is also a good looking guy- I don't get it. I realize that fucking a married women doesn't make me a bastion of good judgment or sound morals, but I feel it speaks even less of the married woman's scruples.
So this is just another example in a long line of examples against ever walking the real walk of shame- down a Church aisle to marry a woman that loathes monogamy just as much as I do.
10 Things I Learned From The Convention
- 10- Michelle Obama is a better speaker than I thought.We should have a Hillary and Michelle ticket in 8 years. White and Black equals bitch attack. It would be the most formidable mixed race partnership since Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. With Hilla's pants suit army and Michelle's minolo army boots the Republicans may concede just to avoid the cascade of Ivy League PMS fueled bombardment.
- 9- The 18 millions cracks in the ceiling that Hillary created must have all been made by her face- jeez. High Def TV was not made for the Yale grad.
- 8- The Obama daughters should get their own show on The Disney channel. Miley Cyrus and Raven Symone couldn't hold a candle to the two girls. It's like they were made of pixie sticks they were so sweet. Now onto my honest opinion- don't ever give a child the microphone during a convention- ever- Republican or Democratic.
- 7- Keith Olbermann is passionate. But his passion is slowly starting to smell of vinegar.So maybe tune it down a bit before you become a full blown douche on par with the other media types I, and the American public loathe.
- 6- I am in love with Rachel Maddow.
- 5- Nancy Pelosi is a GILF.
- 4- I still wish that Obama would have chosen Hilla the Hun as his running mate. That woman garnered 18 million votes and she gave a speech worthy of a Clinton. Her speech actually overshadowed Bill's. I am on board with Biden, but Hilla was my choice.
- 3- How the fuck did Gore screw up the 200 election? God damn it!!! That fucker royally screwed the pooch, kitten, and house maid by not being himself and not attaching himself to Bill's teet. Watching Gore loose and relaxed and delivering a nice speech actually angered me. I am mad because instead of a seemingly competent man- Gore- we received an incompetent dolt- Bush.
- 2- Have you ever run into an old girlfriend that you hadn't thought of in a long time, but once her image is re-imprinted upon your retina you recall how much you loved her? That is how I felt when Clinton appeared on stage.
O Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton, wherefore art thou Bubba?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
- 1- If Obama is not sworn in as our next president I may have to shoot myself in the kneecap in an attempt to divert the anguish and pain I feel over the loss to the ache in my knee. I am beginning to dry heave just thinking about Johnny Mac taking the oath. I may go out today and buy a Bible, Torah, and Koran and pray to all three for an Obama victory.
Sarah Palin
I may be a republican....
Johnny Mac has chosen Sarah Palin as his VEEP.
I have chosen Sarah Palin as my new political crush. She is a MILF and a governor and a tightly wound republican- HOTNESS.
I feel like Joe Biden is going to verbally rape her during the debates but she may give him a chubby as come back.
We also know now that McCain is making oil drilling his mantra. I mean how are we supposed to question his choice to drill in the ANWR when the Governor of Alaska is down for the drilling.
Well played Johnny Mac. 
My Fall Movie Pre-Review
If you are one of my loyal 15 readers then you for sure know that I am a cina-phile. I love the movies, not just the pornos. I dig summer blockbusters, but the real movies come out in the Fall, and that is where my teeth are cut.
I found this article on ZAP2IT, that gave a brief synopsis of the Fall releases. As I happily clicked through the 56 "previews," I made some mental notes and analysis based just on the very superficial descriptions I had. So I thought I would provide you with some instant analysis, based on nothing more than the pics you see below and the cliffs notes to the left of the photos.
This will be exactly like reading an Ebert movie review, if Ebert never actually saw the movie, and was smoking a fat spliff while typing.
Plus if you read through this you will have successfully wasted 20-25 minutes of your time at work; so you got that going for you.
Here we go bitches:
Hamlet
A failed actor turned drama teacher attempts to rally his students by writing a politically incorrect musical sequel to 'Hamlet.'
Stars: Steve Coogan, Catherine Keener, Amy Poehler, David Arquette and Elisabeth Shue
This movie feels like that quirky Little Miss Sunshine, Juno movie that all the critics will for sure hail as a groundbreaking cinematic adventure. I will probably sit this one out, since I like the original Hamlet. The only thing that may change my mind is if Catherine Keener gets naked. A naked Keener and some jokes will equal Einstein in the theatre.
Traitor
A special operative working with a terrorist group becomes the target of the CIA.
Stars: Guy Pearce, Don Cheadle, Neal McDonough, Jeff Daniels
BO-RING. I feel like this movie comes out 10 times a year. I am not in the mood for a psychological thriller; unless of course they re-release Brad Pitt's Kalifornia. That movie was amazing. That was my first Juliette Lewis film; and she can play a white trash retarded person better than any other actor alive. I am straying way off topic at this point, which shows you how interesting this movie sounds to me.
Oh yeah, why would you show Guy Pierce in lieu of Don Cheadle on the advertising photo. I mean everyone knows Cheadle, I thought Guy Pierce was Madonna's husband until I googled him
Babylon A.D.
A mercenary is hired to transport a mysterious young woman from post-apocalyptic Eastern Europe to the megalopolis of New York City.
Stars: Vin Deisel, Michelle Yeoh, Gerard Depardieu, Charlotte Rampling, and Melanie Thierry
I will never watch a movie that features Vin Deisel and a bullet proof vest. It's like another Jenna Jameson porno, it's been done. How much further can you stretch it, ahem I'm not talking Jenna's vag, I'm referring to Vin's movie plot outlines.
College
A high school senior's friends drag him to freshmen orientation at Fairmont University, where he meets the rowdiest fraternity on campus.
Stars: Drake Bell, Andrew Caldwell, Kevin Covais, Nick Zano and Zach Cregger
Movie's in the mold of American Pie or Van Wilder should try not to anger the patrons before actually viewing their film. What I need from these movies is at least one funny looking guy- aka Stifler or the Indian guy in Van Wilder- but just from the pic above I hate this movie. I hate those 3 actors; they just look like the type of guys I would despise. The white guy at the left looks like Chicken Little, the middle guy looks like Samantha Ronson, and I am grossed out by the chubby kids side boob- puke.
Disaster Movie
During one fateful night, a group of attractive 20-somethings must dodge a series of man-made and natural disasters.
Stars: Carmen Electra, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Ari Parker, Vanessa Minnillo and Matt Lanter
I don't want to watch this movie either, but I will. Wanna know why? Ok, I'll tell you. The guys I buy pot from love these movies, and all the Bean movies- weirdos. So in 2 weeks when this movie comes out on DVD and I run out of pot this movie and I will meet at a crossroads. I will be at my dealer's house and they will be playing this movie on a constant loop, and then they will proposition me:
"Yo, help us smoke this jay before you float on"
And I will oblige them- it's free pot! Once the jay is gone we will order pizza and I will be entrenched in my seat laughing at the shitty ass "Disaster Movie."
The only saving grace of this movie is that it keeps Carmen Electra relevant; and I love a relevant Carmen Electra.
Bangkok Dangerous
A hitman in Bangkok falls for a local woman. Remake of the 1999 Thai thriller.
Stars: Nicolas Cage, James With, Charlie Yeung
Bangkok Stupid.
Nic Cage grosses me out. I think that Cage is actually dead and they have been dubbing in old lines and using his wax figure from Madam Tussaud's museum.
Burn After Reading
Gym employees try to sell the stolen memoirs of a CIA agent in this Coen brothers film.
Stars: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich and Frances McDormand
Yippee, this is our first Einstein approved film. At this point in time The Coen brothers could film 2 girls 1 cup-The Sequel, and I would watch. They could do a romantic comedy with Carrot Top and Amy Winehouse and I would be in the front row.
Unless everyone royally mailed it in with this film it can not not be great. Look at the cast! Look at the directors!
Jeez, this must be what John Madden feels like in Brett Favre's presence.
Assassination of a High School President
Facchini ( Mischa Barton) solicits sophomore newspaper reporter Bobby Funke's (Reece Thompson) help tracking down a set of stolen SATs. After he fingers the school president, Funke becomes popular. But as Funke’s popularity grows so do his suspicions. Did the president really steal the SATs?
Stars: Mischa Barton, Bruce Willis
Why is Misha Barton listed as a star of the movie? That is a tad bit presumptuous isn't it.
Oh my someone stole the SATs, and a sordid tale of mystery follows. NOT
Ha, I just used a "not" joke in a column; now I can check that off the list. Next up on the list is banging a Japanese girl.......ummm anyways.
Why even write this as the synopsis, it sounds shitty as hell. They should write up a fake synopsis to get people into the theatres. The viewers will be furious when a completely different movie appears, but at least you would sell some tickets; because no one is going to watch this shiteous mess.
Righteous Kill
Two veteran New York City homicide detectives reconsider a case they thought closed after a similar murder takes place.
Stars: Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Carla Gugino, John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg
DeNiro- check
Pacino- check
John Legusdouiiizamo- check
A New Kid On The Block- check
This movie meets all the necessary qualifications. This is a winner. I am sure we will be treated to the patented Pacino rant and the DeNiro "I'm gonna fuckin kill you" look. God, I can't wait.
One more thing- does anyone hate John Leguaadfsdjfhkljzamo- no. He is like sprinkles on top of ice cream- not needed, but a definite plus.
The Family that Preys
The matriarchs of two radically different families work together to deal with their children's poor life choices.
Stars: Tyler Perry, Kathy Bates, Alfre Woodard, Cole Hauser and Sanaa Lathan
I'll be honest with you, I did not read the Zap2It movie description. This Sexy Einstein analysis is based strictly on the picture.
This movie sucks.
The Women
A wealthy New York woman leaves her cheating husband and regroups with female friends at a resort.
Stars: Meg Ryan, Eva Mendes, Carrie Fisher, Bette Midler, Jada Pinkett-Smith
I'll be honest with you, I did not read the Zap2It blurb for this flick either. This Sexy Einstein analysis is based strictly on the movie's title. Although I am ecstatic that Meg Ryan is hot again; her's one ass hole I wouldn't oppose licking.
But I am going to skip out on this 2 hour long menstrual cycle.
Ghost Town
Bertram Pincus is dead for seven minutes before he is miraculously revived, and suddenly able to see ghosts all around him.
Stars: Ricky Gervais, Tea Leoni, Greg Kinnear, Bill Campbell and Alan Ruck
See, this picture works for me- an appalled British guy- HA. The movie is for sure gonna suck but I laughed at the picture. I am guessing that that is the only laugh this movie is going to get from me.
Igor
An evil scientist's hunch-backed lab assistant dreams of becoming a mad scientist himself. Animated.
Stars: John Cusack, Jeremy Piven, Steve Buscemi, John Cleese and Jennifer Coolidge
I would watch this movie, but I can't, at least not in any movie theatre. I can't ask any of my friends to accompany me to this movie, or else they may come to the conclusion that I'm a fancy boy, and I can't go alone or else the mom's in the theatre with their kids will assume I'm a pedophile.
Not good times.
Lakeview Terrace
A tightly-wound LAPD officer begins harassing his new neighbors because he disapproves of their interracial relationship.
Stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Patrick Wilson, Kerry Washington, Regine Nehy and Jaishon Fisher
Whoa, Samuel L. Jackson is pissed off- surprise surprise. The only way this movie is gettin watched is if Dave Chappelle shows up hawking Sam Jackson Beer- Mm Mm Bitch.
My Best Friend's Girl
A man is asked to take his best friend's ex on a terrible date in order to show the girl how great the friend was in comparison.
Stars: Kate Hudson, Dane Cook, Lizzy Caplan, Alec Baldwin and Jason Biggs
Didn't Kate Hudson just make this movie with Matt McConaughey, TWICE.
I will be honest, I laughed at Dane Cook, the comedian, up until his second CD; but who keeps green lighting his projects. He is to the movies what Creed was to music. He is to the movies what OJ Simpson is to the judicial system. He is to the movies what Amy Winehouse is to sobriety.
I have more.
He is to the movies what......what....ok I don't have any more. Sorry.
Anyways, this movie sucks.
Eagle Eye
A single mom and a young man are framed as terrorists and become part of a cell planning to carry out a high profile assassination.
Stars: Shia LeBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson, Ethan Embry and Billy Bob Thornton
Am I allowed as a hetero man to like Shia LeBeouf, cause I do. I am teetering on the edge with this film. Eh fuck it, I think it'll be alright, you know why? Cause Shia grew out the goatee for his part. That is an actor; he is completely becoming one with his character.
Just Kidding.
I want to see Rosario Dawson. I thought she had died until I read her name in this movie.
The Miracle at St. Anna
The story of four African-American soldiers who are trapped in a Tuscan village during WWII.
Stars: Laz Alonso, Omar Benson Miller, Michael Ealy, Derek Luke and John Turturro.
This is a true story about an all black infantry during WWII; and it is directed by Spike Lee. I have a feeling that this movie will be recognized on Oscar night, either by the Oscar academy or by Spike Lee protesting outside the awards show due to his perceived racist slight.
The Lucky Ones
The Lucky Ones is a story about three soldiers on leave trying to make sense of their lives during an unexpected road trip across the United States.
Stars: Rachel McAdams, Tim Robbins, Michael Pena
This is in no way a condemnation of our troops, bbbbbbbbut; there are no female soldiers that look like Rachel McAdams. If there were I swear on the red, white, and blue that I will quit my job and ship out to Baghdad tommorrow morning.
I wish the synopsis of this movie was a tad bit more descriptive. How are these soldiers attempting to explain their lot in life?
Are they on a murder spree?
Are they going to a hotel room to gang bang McAdams?
Will they knock on the doors of the White House and request a meeting with Bush?
Do they buy a bus and form a bluegrass trio?
Are they gonna meet up with the black guys from the last movie and have a dance off?
AHHHHHHHHHHH, I need more info!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nights in Rodanthe
A doctor visiting his estranged son finds romance with an unhappily married woman in a small North Carolina town.
Stars: Richard Gere, Diane Lane, James Franco, Christopher Meloni and Mae Whitman
Have you ever been to a restaurant and ordered a Filet Mignon...no...yeah me neither. Ok; have you ever gone to a restaurant and ordered a cheap strip steak and when it arrived it was covered with gross ass gravy and chives and crunchy onion shavings. The steak was ruined for all intensive purposes.
Diane Lane is that steak, and Gere is the junk on the steak.
I'm not eating this movie.
Choke
A sex-addicted med-school dropout keeps his deranged mother in an expensive private medical hospital by working days as a historical reenactor at a theme park. At night, he runs a scam by deliberately choking in upscale restaurants to form parasitic relationships with the wealthy patrons who “save” him.
Stars: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, Brad William Henke
From the picture alone it looks like the medievil Brokeback Mountain, but then I read the blurb. This sounds twisted enough to be pretty good. It may be a good thing that I recognize 1 out of the 4 "star's" names; you knwo lowered expectations reep higher yeilds.
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
When a pampered Beverly Hills pooch gets lost in Mexico, it will take a motley crew of dogs to come to her aid to bring her home.
Stars: Drew Barrymore, Jamie Lee Curtis, Placido Domingo, Cheech Marin, Andy Garcia, George Lopez
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all whose idea was this?
Second of all why the hell is Godfather III, Andy Garcia, in this flick. Did he lose all his money in a South American cockfight?
HA, that joke was funny, cause it was racist.
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Sidney Young (Simon Pegg), a smalltime, bumbling, British celebrity journalist is hired by an upscale magazine in New York City. He enters high society and burns bridges with bosses, peers and superstars.
Stars: Simon Pegg, Megan Fox, Kirsten Dunst, Gillian Anderson, Jeff Bridges
Simon Pegg should officially change his name to The Bumbling Simon Pegg; I think it's time. I am not going to watch this movie....but what I am going to do it crop Pegg out of this photo and take a small break with Megan Fox.
Why would Dunst take this role? She is already borderline ugly; but in a movie with Megan Fox her lack of aestethic splendor shows through like the sun on a cloudy day. I mean, everytime she is in a scene with Fox, she has to be seething; why would her agent even approach her with this idea. It would be like: hey Sexy Einstein, we know you love soccer, do you wanna play on a team competing with a team featuring David Beckham....
"Ummmm, can I just watch?"
Religulous
Religulous follows Bill Maher as he travels around the globe interviewing people about God and religion.
Stars: Bill Maher
I am steadfast in my religous beleif of no beleif; so I feel like Bill Maher created this movie for me. The Blonde girl I was banging, Leggy Blonde, is apparently super religous, so I may take her to this movie; to piss her off. This movie will probably be seen by no one, but will garner a whole bunch of positive press; like the movie "The Aristocrats."
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Two people are thrust together for a sleepless night of adventure in a world of mix tapes, late-night living, and, live, loud music -- one nurses a broken heart, the other is questioning all assumptions about the world.
Stars: Michael Cera, Kat Dennings
I am a huge Michael Cera fan. He is the quintessential, sympathetic, awkward, and out of place teenager. I have been a fan since Arrested Development, which is why I am going to pretend this movie never happened. I don't want his welcome to become overstayed. And why is that chick in the pic so ugly; is it just me or does she have a little Cyrano in her (google that). I don't go to the movies to see ugly people, if I wanted to do that I would go to DONTBECHI.COM....hello there Mica.
The Express
Born in poverty, Ernie Davis overcomes many obstacles to get into Syracuse University's football program. Under the guidance of Coach Ben Schwartzwalder, Davis becomes one of Syracuse's best players, surpassing even Jim Brown's achievements. In 1961, Davis becomes the first black player to win the prestigious Heisman Trophy.
Stars: Dennis Quaid, Rob Brown, Clancy Brown, Charles S. Dutton
Yippee, a story about a black athlete overcoming barriers aplenty. This movie could be good, if you replaced the whole cast with people I knew. Other than Quaid and Dutton I recognize none of the names; and since the story in a tad played out I will be a tad at home.
Appaloosa
The arrival of an attractive widow complicates the attempts of two lawmen to bring a malevolent rancher to justice.
Stars: Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons
I used to hate westerns, because the patriarch of the foster homes I stayed at as a youth loved John Wayne like it was his job. I hated that guy because he drank and smoked and then yelled at me when I ate glue; ass. But then I saw 3:10 To Yuma on accident and loved it. When I say accident, I mean I had just had sex and the bitch wanted to cuddle; and I can't sleep while cuddling so I watched 3:10 To Yuma on HBO until I could scrape her off of me. Suffice to say I am excited about this movie. I am also very excited to try and discern between Reneee and Jermy Irons, seeing as they are both "weathered." Renee is nasty, her face is so beaten it looks like she drives a car with no windsheild.
Blindness
After an entire town is struck with a mysterious case of blindness, the lone sighted resident feigns illness so that she stay with her husband.
Stars: Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Gael Garcia Bernal, Danny Glover and Alice Braga
I think Julianne Moore is a fine peice of ass.
Gael Garcia Bernal played Che in "Motorcycle Diaries."
Mark Ruffalo has curly hair like me.
Those are the only reasons I could come up with for watching this flick.
But I am watching it....probably stoned cause I feel like I would have to be, to really focus on this flick.
Body of Lies
A CIA operative tries to infiltrate a terrorist cell, but he soon begins to wonder about the loyalties of those who are giving the orders.
Stars: Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe
Didn't Don Cheadle make this movie earlier on this list. Hmmmm, so this is a CIA operative race war between Don and Leo.
I'm going with the Leo flick, not because I'm racist, but because I prefer white people.
Joking
Quarantine
A television reporter and her cameraman are assigned to work a routine 911 call at an apartment building, but they soon learn that a woman living in the building has been infected by something unknown.
Stars: Jennifer Carpenter, Johnathon Schaech, Greg Germann, Steve Harris, Jay Hernandez
Can't wait to watch this one.
I will play for your tickets to go to this movie is you can id any of the actors in this flick. Going to this movie would be like going to an NBA game where the coaches let all the white guys play- IT WOULD BE SENSELESS.
Max Payne
Coming together to solve a series of murders in New York City are a DEA agent whose family was slain as part of a conspiracy and an assassin out to avenge her sister's death. The duo will be hunted by the police, the mob, and a ruthless corporation. Film is based on the wildly successful video game.
Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges, Ludacris
Mila Kunis is bangin, but she is dating the kid from Home Alone. I have a leather coat exactly like the one Wahlberg is wearing in this pic; does that make me Max Payne.
Doesn't Max Payne sound like a great window company. If Max Payne windows isn't already trademarked remind to do so.
Flash of Genius
When college professor and part-time inventor Robert Kearns develops an intermittent windshield wiper, he believes he, his wife and their children will be set for life. Though the invention is a big hit with automakers in 1960s Detroit, Kearns himself is forced out of the picture. Determined to collect the recognition and financial reward due him, Kearns wages a long, arduous legal battle against the auto industry.
Stars: Greg Kinnear, Lauren Graham, Dermot Mulroney, Alan Alda
I am not going to watch this movie, but I will watch the porno remake "Flash of 'Gina."
W.
Whether you love him or hate him, there is no question that George W. Bush is one of the most controversial public figures in recent memory. Director Oliver Stone is bringing the life of our 43rd President to the big screen as only he can.
Stars: Josh Brolin, Richard Dreyfuss, Thandie Newton, James Cromwell, Scott Glenn
Must you even ask. I have been waiting for crazy ass Oliver Stone to come back into my life and he brought me this. Hell yes. W, is my most anticipated Fall flick. I am going to watch this once sober and once on a 3 day cocaine bender- in honor of still president Bush.
I hope Thandie Newton isn't playing Condi Rice, 'cause any horse's ass could play Condi; they are wasting Thandie. Oh yeah by horse's ass, I literally meant a horse's ass- Condi is one ugly deplorable human being. I would rather circumsize my own cock than see her naked.
High School Musical 3: Senior Year
High school seniors Troy and Gabriella face the prospect of being separated from one another as they head off in different directions to college. Joined by the rest of the Wildcats, they stage an elaborate spring musical reflecting their experiences, hopes and fears about their future.
Stars: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Corbin Bleu, Monique Coleman
Why are these Highschoolers older than me? If the Republican party hated gay things so much why the fuck is this crappy movie series still going on?
Passengers
After a plane crash, a therapist, Claire ( Anne Hathaway), is assigned by her mentor (Andre Braugher) to counsel the flight's five survivors. When the survivors begin to disappear mysteriously, she becomes determined to uncover the truth.
Stars: Anne Hathaway, Andre Braugher, Patrick Wilson
I am not going to watch this Anne Hathaway movie; or any Anne Hathaway movie. I saw The Devil Wears Prada and left with a headache. I cannot figure out if this woman is attractive or not. This topic has racked my brain.
They should do a movie determing the sexiness of Anne Hathaway starring Anne Hathaway. In the Prada movie she would look hot one minute and like my big toe the next. I couldn't tell whether to be turned on or to become a homesexual.
Pride and Glory
A detective must investigate allegations of corruption at his older brother's precinct.
Stars: Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, Noah Emmerich, Jennifer Ehle, Lake Bell, and Jon Voight
Did Ed Norton's Hulk movie come out already?
It did, wow...was it good...No...damn that sucks.
I will fo sho watch this flick since I have a man crush on Colin and I will always like Norton for bringing to life one of my fave books- FIGHT CLUB.
I'm hoping that prima donna Norton plays the corrupt cop- cause he plays corrupt so well.
When I was younger and I heard people say the word 'Prima Donna' I thought they were saying "Pre-Madonna." I was amazed that people were being measured on an artificial Madonna timeline. I have no joke here, but I am glad that we don't measure things in an arbitrary Madonna time line.
Saw V
Hoffman is seemingly the last person alive to carry on the Jigsaw legacy. But when his secret is threatened, Hoffman must go on the hunt to eliminate all loose ends.
Stars: Meagan Good, Julie Benz, Scott Patterson, Costas Mandylor
When the fuck was Saw 2, 3, or 4. Have I been so stoned that I just glossed over the newest member into the pantheon of horror films.
I will not be seeing this movie since the poster alone made me wet myself a tad bit.
Changeling
Christine Collins' prayers are met when her kidnapped son is returned. But amidst the frenzy of the photo-op reunion, she realizes this child is not hers. Facing corrupt police and a skeptical public, she desperately hunts for answers, only to be confronted by a truth that will change her forever. Clint Eastwood directs the film that is based on a true story.
Stars: Angelina Jolie, John Malkovich, Jeffrey Donovan
I bet Angelina gets and Oscar for this role. I also bet that I will develop a boner while watching this movie.
In all seriousness, if Clint Eastwood makes it I will watch it. I remember when I felt that way about Jenna Jameson.
RocknRolla
When a Russian mobster orchestrates a crooked land deal, millions of dollars are up for grabs and all of London's criminal underworld wants in on the action.
Stars: Jeremy Piven, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton
This looks like one of those MTV original films that will air and re-air on the former music chanell 10,000 times until I have seen enough bits and peices to recreate the whole movie in my mind.
I think Luda had become the go to rapper when directors want to add street cred to one of their projects. I wonder who the next rapper to make the jump will be. I am going with Jesse McCartney- he has more street cred that a Lil Wayne mix tape.
HA- try to get that song out of your head now.
I secretly love that song, so I am ok with it in my head.
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
To leave Madagascar, the New Yorkers use an old crashed plane to make it to the wildest place of all—the vast plains of Africa.
Stars: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jada Pinkett Smith
If this wasn't a cartoon and had that cast I would be in the front row; but since it doesn't then I won't.
Quantum of Solace
"Quantum of Solace" continues James Bond adventures in "Casino Royale." Betrayed by Vesper, 007 fights the urge to make his latest mission personal.
Stars: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Jeffrey Wright, Giancarlo Giannini
Daniel Craig is the manliest British guy I have seen since Margaret Thatcher.
But I quit The Bond series when I found out it wasn't a true story; sorry 007.
Repo! The Genetic Opera
An epidemic of organ failures devastates the planet. GeneCo, a biotech company offers organ transplants for a price. Those who miss their payments are scheduled for repossession and hunted by villainous Repo Men.
Stars: Anthony Head, Paul Sorvino, Paris Hilton
I am not watching this movie unless they actually kill Paris Hilton during the show. Is that too much to ask- I mean hasn't her reign of terror run its course yet? We bitch about North Korea, China, and The Middle East; but Paris is the biggest harbinger on the happiness of the American psyche since Joseph Mcarthy.
Australia
Prior to World War II, an English aristocrat inherits a ranch the size of Maryland. When English cattle barons plot to take it, she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn cattle driver to drive 2000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles, only to face the bombing of Darwin, Australia by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor months earlier.
Stars: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, Bryan Brown
2 good looking Aussies in a movie entitled Australia- what a stretch. I wrote in my memoirs that I had never seen a movie about cattle herders so unless I want to rewrite my memoirs I am going to have to begrudgingly skip this show.
Nothing Like the Holidays
It’s Christmas time and the Rodriguez family is converging at their parents’ home in Chicago to celebrate and rejoice in their youngest brother’s safe return from combat overseas, and it all begins when the mother of the clan announces to her children she is divorcing their father.
Stars: John Leguizamo, Freddy Rodriguez, Debra Messing, Alfred Molina
One of these things is not like the others,
Leguizamo, Rodriguez, Molina, and Messing- 3 Latinos and a white chick. Sounds like a Pit Bull video.
I love John Leguiasdlkfs;ljkhljkzamo and I used to think Messing was hot, but I am not satisfied with the simple ass story line.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The sixth film of eight in the Potter series, lets us meet a young Voldemort, with Harry ( Daniel Radcliffe) set to battle against enemies both within and outside Hogwarts school.
Stars: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Julie Walters, Helena Bonham Carter
Couldn't they have united this movie with the High School Musical movie and saved us all some time and money. Would anyone be opposed to seeing Zac Efron and Harry Potter duel it out in a magic spell off. They could also have a Vanessa Hudgens and Harry Potter sex scene since we've already witnessed both of their naked bodies.
The Soloist
A journalist discovers a former classical music prodigy, playing his violin on the streets of L.A. As he endeavors to help the homeless man find his way back, a unique friendship is formed.
Stars: Jamie Foxx, Robert Downey Jr, Lisa Gay Hamilton, Catherine Keener
Read this and you may become enamored with this film. I am geeked that jamie Foxx may get another Oscar nod and I am just as geeked that drug addict Robert Downey Jr. is slowly becoming our best actor. If I could pick the career path of anyman I would choose George Clooney and then if I had a second choice I would pick Downey Jr.
Bolt
Bolt, the star of a hit TV show, is accidentally shipped cross country from his owner. Now the dog, who thinks all his on-screen feats and powers are real, must get back home with a little help from some new friends.
Stars: John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Sussie Essman, Mark Walton
I didn't think this movie had any appeal what so ever; but then the 18 year old I'm currently getting head from requested my presence and accompaniment while she watched this movie. I think she's a Miley Cyrus fan....I need to get a new girlfriend.
Four Christmases
When their plans for an exotic vacation fall apart, unmarried couple Brad and Kate must spend Christmas Day trudging back and forth to a quartet of family get-togethers. While Brad counts the hours till he can escape the onslaught of crazy relatives, Kate begins to wonder about her own choices and ponders whether her family members are so crazy after all.
Stars: Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon, Kristin Chenoweth, Robert Duvall, Jon Favreau, Dwight Yoakam, Tim McGraw, Jon Voight, and Sissy Spacek
I relay this story because I feel like Vince Vaughn would be exactly like Matt. I feel bad hating this movie because I feel like I actually know Vince Vaughn. What a shame.
Punisher: War Zone
Waging his one-man war on the world of organized crime, Frank Castle sets his sights on mob boss, Billy Russoti. After Russoti is left horribly disfigured by Castle, he sets out for vengeance under his new alias: Jigsaw. Frank must stand up to the army that Jigsaw has recruited.
Stars: Dominic West, Julie Benz, Wayne Knight, Ray Stevenson, Colin Salmon
The only thing The Punisher will punish is the retinas of the viewers. Why pay 12 bucks to go watch this shit-flick, when you could go to the video store and rent any Jean Claude Van-Damme movie for a dollar, and spend the rest of the money on a pizza. Damn I am famished...
I make zero money off this wonderful blog, and I have no aspirations for money; but if I can somehow finagle some free food out of this I would love it. If any cooks or restaurateurs read this throw me a bone; or a steak.
Twilight
Based on the best-selling book series, "Twilight" follows high-school student Bella Swan, a bit of a misfit, who meets Edward Cullen, a handsome vampire whose family does not drink human blood. Bella, far from being frightened, enters into a passionate but dangerous romance with her immortal soulmate.
Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, and Peter Facinelli
This is our requisite emo film of the year. The only positive thing I can say about this film is that one of the stars, ahem, actors in this is Peter Facinelli; and he is married to Jenny Garth.
I have no idea what the relvance of that little bit of info is, but I felt like the emo's and goth's would put a curse on me had I eviscerated this film.
The Day the Earth Stood Still
This remake of the 1951 classic sci-fi film features an alien visitor and his giant robot counterpart who visit Earth.
Stars: Keanu Reeves, Kathy Bates, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith
Is Keanu Reeves gay? Has his sexuality ever been validated at straight or sweet? The only way this movie is any good is if Keanu's wooden ass plays the robot. That would be the most appropriate casting in hollywood since Woody Allen played the role of child abusing daughter marrier....What;.......Woody never played that part in a movie....oh, well disregard that last comment.
Yes Man
A man who always says no to everything, finally starts saying yes to the world that he's denied.
Stars: Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel
Remember when Jim Carrey was funny...yeah me too. I loved Eternal Sunshine, but for the love of comedy please give us one funny movie for every 3 artsy fartsy movies. I didn't see The Number 23, but this has to be better than that.
And Zooey Deshanel sound like the nerdy fat girl that sat by herself during lunch and read the ingredients in her lunchable.
Bedtime Stories
A hotel handyman ( Adam Sandler) has his life turned upside down when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to come true.
Stars: Adam Sandler, Keri Russell, Guy Pearce, Lucy Lawless, Aisha Tyler, Jonathan Pryce, Courteney Cox
You know why they really called this movie bedtime stories.....because if you watch it you actually fall asleep during it.
HAHAHA
Frost/Nixon
In 1977, three years after the Watergate scandal that ended his presidency, Richard Nixon selects British TV personality David Frost to conduct a one-on-one, exclusive interview. The film is based on the play by Peter Morgan.
Stars: Michael Sheen, Frank Langella, Kevin Bacon, Sam Rockwell
We should all watch this movie in order to juxtapose the worst president of all time, Bush, with the 2nd worst, Nixon.
Stars: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Xander Berkely and Katie Cassidy
Have you noticed that there are a shit load of spy and espionage movies out this year. The movies ussually reflect the times, so does that mean that there are a shit ton of spies out there. I am aware that the government spies on most of our emails and phone calls but the number of spy flicks Hollywood is coming out with has me really concerned. I mean, what if I know a spy, what if my dealers are spies, what if my dog has been wired this whole time......this new dope I'm smoking really has me paranoid as hell. I have to go shower.
When I first started to get stoned I had a couple bad pot experiences and I tried to shower away the high. It never worked. I have a masters degree and at one point I thought a cold shower could de-contaminate my system of THC. What's more disturbing, is that there was a time in my life when I ran away from a high- weird.
Valkyrie
Germany's Col. Claus von Stauffenberg leads a plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler.
Stars: Tom Cruise, Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Eddie Izzard, Terence Stamp
I have made my love of all things Cruise very clear. So I am hella happy for this movie to end our list. What better way to reignite your career than to try and kill Hitler in your film. Unless Cruise mails it in worse than Coldplay on their latest album, this movie will kick your ass.
I hope I had zero effect on your movie going at all- cause my opinion is laced in dope and nonsensical bravado.
I found this article on ZAP2IT, that gave a brief synopsis of the Fall releases. As I happily clicked through the 56 "previews," I made some mental notes and analysis based just on the very superficial descriptions I had. So I thought I would provide you with some instant analysis, based on nothing more than the pics you see below and the cliffs notes to the left of the photos.
This will be exactly like reading an Ebert movie review, if Ebert never actually saw the movie, and was smoking a fat spliff while typing.
Plus if you read through this you will have successfully wasted 20-25 minutes of your time at work; so you got that going for you.
Here we go bitches:
Hamlet A failed actor turned drama teacher attempts to rally his students by writing a politically incorrect musical sequel to 'Hamlet.'
Stars: Steve Coogan, Catherine Keener, Amy Poehler, David Arquette and Elisabeth Shue
This movie feels like that quirky Little Miss Sunshine, Juno movie that all the critics will for sure hail as a groundbreaking cinematic adventure. I will probably sit this one out, since I like the original Hamlet. The only thing that may change my mind is if Catherine Keener gets naked. A naked Keener and some jokes will equal Einstein in the theatre.
Traitor
A special operative working with a terrorist group becomes the target of the CIA.
Stars: Guy Pearce, Don Cheadle, Neal McDonough, Jeff Daniels
BO-RING. I feel like this movie comes out 10 times a year. I am not in the mood for a psychological thriller; unless of course they re-release Brad Pitt's Kalifornia. That movie was amazing. That was my first Juliette Lewis film; and she can play a white trash retarded person better than any other actor alive. I am straying way off topic at this point, which shows you how interesting this movie sounds to me.
Oh yeah, why would you show Guy Pierce in lieu of Don Cheadle on the advertising photo. I mean everyone knows Cheadle, I thought Guy Pierce was Madonna's husband until I googled him
Babylon A.D.
A mercenary is hired to transport a mysterious young woman from post-apocalyptic Eastern Europe to the megalopolis of New York City.
Stars: Vin Deisel, Michelle Yeoh, Gerard Depardieu, Charlotte Rampling, and Melanie Thierry
I will never watch a movie that features Vin Deisel and a bullet proof vest. It's like another Jenna Jameson porno, it's been done. How much further can you stretch it, ahem I'm not talking Jenna's vag, I'm referring to Vin's movie plot outlines.
CollegeA high school senior's friends drag him to freshmen orientation at Fairmont University, where he meets the rowdiest fraternity on campus.
Stars: Drake Bell, Andrew Caldwell, Kevin Covais, Nick Zano and Zach Cregger
Movie's in the mold of American Pie or Van Wilder should try not to anger the patrons before actually viewing their film. What I need from these movies is at least one funny looking guy- aka Stifler or the Indian guy in Van Wilder- but just from the pic above I hate this movie. I hate those 3 actors; they just look like the type of guys I would despise. The white guy at the left looks like Chicken Little, the middle guy looks like Samantha Ronson, and I am grossed out by the chubby kids side boob- puke.
Disaster MovieDuring one fateful night, a group of attractive 20-somethings must dodge a series of man-made and natural disasters.
Stars: Carmen Electra, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Ari Parker, Vanessa Minnillo and Matt Lanter
I don't want to watch this movie either, but I will. Wanna know why? Ok, I'll tell you. The guys I buy pot from love these movies, and all the Bean movies- weirdos. So in 2 weeks when this movie comes out on DVD and I run out of pot this movie and I will meet at a crossroads. I will be at my dealer's house and they will be playing this movie on a constant loop, and then they will proposition me:
"Yo, help us smoke this jay before you float on"
And I will oblige them- it's free pot! Once the jay is gone we will order pizza and I will be entrenched in my seat laughing at the shitty ass "Disaster Movie."
The only saving grace of this movie is that it keeps Carmen Electra relevant; and I love a relevant Carmen Electra.
Bangkok DangerousA hitman in Bangkok falls for a local woman. Remake of the 1999 Thai thriller.
Stars: Nicolas Cage, James With, Charlie Yeung
Bangkok Stupid.
Nic Cage grosses me out. I think that Cage is actually dead and they have been dubbing in old lines and using his wax figure from Madam Tussaud's museum.
Burn After ReadingGym employees try to sell the stolen memoirs of a CIA agent in this Coen brothers film.
Stars: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich and Frances McDormand
Yippee, this is our first Einstein approved film. At this point in time The Coen brothers could film 2 girls 1 cup-The Sequel, and I would watch. They could do a romantic comedy with Carrot Top and Amy Winehouse and I would be in the front row.
Unless everyone royally mailed it in with this film it can not not be great. Look at the cast! Look at the directors!
Jeez, this must be what John Madden feels like in Brett Favre's presence.
Assassination of a High School PresidentFacchini ( Mischa Barton) solicits sophomore newspaper reporter Bobby Funke's (Reece Thompson) help tracking down a set of stolen SATs. After he fingers the school president, Funke becomes popular. But as Funke’s popularity grows so do his suspicions. Did the president really steal the SATs?
Stars: Mischa Barton, Bruce Willis
Why is Misha Barton listed as a star of the movie? That is a tad bit presumptuous isn't it.
Oh my someone stole the SATs, and a sordid tale of mystery follows. NOT
Ha, I just used a "not" joke in a column; now I can check that off the list. Next up on the list is banging a Japanese girl.......ummm anyways.
Why even write this as the synopsis, it sounds shitty as hell. They should write up a fake synopsis to get people into the theatres. The viewers will be furious when a completely different movie appears, but at least you would sell some tickets; because no one is going to watch this shiteous mess.
Righteous KillTwo veteran New York City homicide detectives reconsider a case they thought closed after a similar murder takes place.
Stars: Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Carla Gugino, John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg
DeNiro- check
Pacino- check
John Legusdouiiizamo- check
A New Kid On The Block- check
This movie meets all the necessary qualifications. This is a winner. I am sure we will be treated to the patented Pacino rant and the DeNiro "I'm gonna fuckin kill you" look. God, I can't wait.
One more thing- does anyone hate John Leguaadfsdjfhkljzamo- no. He is like sprinkles on top of ice cream- not needed, but a definite plus.
The Family that PreysThe matriarchs of two radically different families work together to deal with their children's poor life choices.
Stars: Tyler Perry, Kathy Bates, Alfre Woodard, Cole Hauser and Sanaa Lathan
I'll be honest with you, I did not read the Zap2It movie description. This Sexy Einstein analysis is based strictly on the picture.
This movie sucks.
The WomenA wealthy New York woman leaves her cheating husband and regroups with female friends at a resort.
Stars: Meg Ryan, Eva Mendes, Carrie Fisher, Bette Midler, Jada Pinkett-Smith
I'll be honest with you, I did not read the Zap2It blurb for this flick either. This Sexy Einstein analysis is based strictly on the movie's title. Although I am ecstatic that Meg Ryan is hot again; her's one ass hole I wouldn't oppose licking.
But I am going to skip out on this 2 hour long menstrual cycle.
Ghost TownBertram Pincus is dead for seven minutes before he is miraculously revived, and suddenly able to see ghosts all around him.
Stars: Ricky Gervais, Tea Leoni, Greg Kinnear, Bill Campbell and Alan Ruck
See, this picture works for me- an appalled British guy- HA. The movie is for sure gonna suck but I laughed at the picture. I am guessing that that is the only laugh this movie is going to get from me.
Igor
An evil scientist's hunch-backed lab assistant dreams of becoming a mad scientist himself. Animated.
Stars: John Cusack, Jeremy Piven, Steve Buscemi, John Cleese and Jennifer Coolidge
I would watch this movie, but I can't, at least not in any movie theatre. I can't ask any of my friends to accompany me to this movie, or else they may come to the conclusion that I'm a fancy boy, and I can't go alone or else the mom's in the theatre with their kids will assume I'm a pedophile.
Not good times.
Lakeview TerraceA tightly-wound LAPD officer begins harassing his new neighbors because he disapproves of their interracial relationship.
Stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Patrick Wilson, Kerry Washington, Regine Nehy and Jaishon Fisher
Whoa, Samuel L. Jackson is pissed off- surprise surprise. The only way this movie is gettin watched is if Dave Chappelle shows up hawking Sam Jackson Beer- Mm Mm Bitch.
My Best Friend's GirlA man is asked to take his best friend's ex on a terrible date in order to show the girl how great the friend was in comparison.
Stars: Kate Hudson, Dane Cook, Lizzy Caplan, Alec Baldwin and Jason Biggs
Didn't Kate Hudson just make this movie with Matt McConaughey, TWICE.
I will be honest, I laughed at Dane Cook, the comedian, up until his second CD; but who keeps green lighting his projects. He is to the movies what Creed was to music. He is to the movies what OJ Simpson is to the judicial system. He is to the movies what Amy Winehouse is to sobriety.
I have more.
He is to the movies what......what....ok I don't have any more. Sorry.
Anyways, this movie sucks.
Eagle EyeA single mom and a young man are framed as terrorists and become part of a cell planning to carry out a high profile assassination.
Stars: Shia LeBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson, Ethan Embry and Billy Bob Thornton
Am I allowed as a hetero man to like Shia LeBeouf, cause I do. I am teetering on the edge with this film. Eh fuck it, I think it'll be alright, you know why? Cause Shia grew out the goatee for his part. That is an actor; he is completely becoming one with his character.
Just Kidding.
I want to see Rosario Dawson. I thought she had died until I read her name in this movie.
The Miracle at St. AnnaThe story of four African-American soldiers who are trapped in a Tuscan village during WWII.
Stars: Laz Alonso, Omar Benson Miller, Michael Ealy, Derek Luke and John Turturro.
This is a true story about an all black infantry during WWII; and it is directed by Spike Lee. I have a feeling that this movie will be recognized on Oscar night, either by the Oscar academy or by Spike Lee protesting outside the awards show due to his perceived racist slight.
The Lucky OnesThe Lucky Ones is a story about three soldiers on leave trying to make sense of their lives during an unexpected road trip across the United States.
Stars: Rachel McAdams, Tim Robbins, Michael Pena
This is in no way a condemnation of our troops, bbbbbbbbut; there are no female soldiers that look like Rachel McAdams. If there were I swear on the red, white, and blue that I will quit my job and ship out to Baghdad tommorrow morning.
I wish the synopsis of this movie was a tad bit more descriptive. How are these soldiers attempting to explain their lot in life?
Are they on a murder spree?
Are they going to a hotel room to gang bang McAdams?
Will they knock on the doors of the White House and request a meeting with Bush?
Do they buy a bus and form a bluegrass trio?
Are they gonna meet up with the black guys from the last movie and have a dance off?
AHHHHHHHHHHH, I need more info!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nights in RodantheA doctor visiting his estranged son finds romance with an unhappily married woman in a small North Carolina town.
Stars: Richard Gere, Diane Lane, James Franco, Christopher Meloni and Mae Whitman
Have you ever been to a restaurant and ordered a Filet Mignon...no...yeah me neither. Ok; have you ever gone to a restaurant and ordered a cheap strip steak and when it arrived it was covered with gross ass gravy and chives and crunchy onion shavings. The steak was ruined for all intensive purposes.
Diane Lane is that steak, and Gere is the junk on the steak.
I'm not eating this movie.
ChokeA sex-addicted med-school dropout keeps his deranged mother in an expensive private medical hospital by working days as a historical reenactor at a theme park. At night, he runs a scam by deliberately choking in upscale restaurants to form parasitic relationships with the wealthy patrons who “save” him.
Stars: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, Brad William Henke
From the picture alone it looks like the medievil Brokeback Mountain, but then I read the blurb. This sounds twisted enough to be pretty good. It may be a good thing that I recognize 1 out of the 4 "star's" names; you knwo lowered expectations reep higher yeilds.
Beverly Hills ChihuahuaWhen a pampered Beverly Hills pooch gets lost in Mexico, it will take a motley crew of dogs to come to her aid to bring her home.
Stars: Drew Barrymore, Jamie Lee Curtis, Placido Domingo, Cheech Marin, Andy Garcia, George Lopez
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all whose idea was this?
Second of all why the hell is Godfather III, Andy Garcia, in this flick. Did he lose all his money in a South American cockfight?
HA, that joke was funny, cause it was racist.
How to Lose Friends and Alienate PeopleSidney Young (Simon Pegg), a smalltime, bumbling, British celebrity journalist is hired by an upscale magazine in New York City. He enters high society and burns bridges with bosses, peers and superstars.
Stars: Simon Pegg, Megan Fox, Kirsten Dunst, Gillian Anderson, Jeff Bridges
Simon Pegg should officially change his name to The Bumbling Simon Pegg; I think it's time. I am not going to watch this movie....but what I am going to do it crop Pegg out of this photo and take a small break with Megan Fox.
Why would Dunst take this role? She is already borderline ugly; but in a movie with Megan Fox her lack of aestethic splendor shows through like the sun on a cloudy day. I mean, everytime she is in a scene with Fox, she has to be seething; why would her agent even approach her with this idea. It would be like: hey Sexy Einstein, we know you love soccer, do you wanna play on a team competing with a team featuring David Beckham....
"Ummmm, can I just watch?"
ReligulousReligulous follows Bill Maher as he travels around the globe interviewing people about God and religion.
Stars: Bill Maher
I am steadfast in my religous beleif of no beleif; so I feel like Bill Maher created this movie for me. The Blonde girl I was banging, Leggy Blonde, is apparently super religous, so I may take her to this movie; to piss her off. This movie will probably be seen by no one, but will garner a whole bunch of positive press; like the movie "The Aristocrats."
Nick and Norah's Infinite PlaylistTwo people are thrust together for a sleepless night of adventure in a world of mix tapes, late-night living, and, live, loud music -- one nurses a broken heart, the other is questioning all assumptions about the world.
Stars: Michael Cera, Kat Dennings
I am a huge Michael Cera fan. He is the quintessential, sympathetic, awkward, and out of place teenager. I have been a fan since Arrested Development, which is why I am going to pretend this movie never happened. I don't want his welcome to become overstayed. And why is that chick in the pic so ugly; is it just me or does she have a little Cyrano in her (google that). I don't go to the movies to see ugly people, if I wanted to do that I would go to DONTBECHI.COM....hello there Mica.
The ExpressBorn in poverty, Ernie Davis overcomes many obstacles to get into Syracuse University's football program. Under the guidance of Coach Ben Schwartzwalder, Davis becomes one of Syracuse's best players, surpassing even Jim Brown's achievements. In 1961, Davis becomes the first black player to win the prestigious Heisman Trophy.
Stars: Dennis Quaid, Rob Brown, Clancy Brown, Charles S. Dutton
Yippee, a story about a black athlete overcoming barriers aplenty. This movie could be good, if you replaced the whole cast with people I knew. Other than Quaid and Dutton I recognize none of the names; and since the story in a tad played out I will be a tad at home.
AppaloosaThe arrival of an attractive widow complicates the attempts of two lawmen to bring a malevolent rancher to justice.
Stars: Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons
I used to hate westerns, because the patriarch of the foster homes I stayed at as a youth loved John Wayne like it was his job. I hated that guy because he drank and smoked and then yelled at me when I ate glue; ass. But then I saw 3:10 To Yuma on accident and loved it. When I say accident, I mean I had just had sex and the bitch wanted to cuddle; and I can't sleep while cuddling so I watched 3:10 To Yuma on HBO until I could scrape her off of me. Suffice to say I am excited about this movie. I am also very excited to try and discern between Reneee and Jermy Irons, seeing as they are both "weathered." Renee is nasty, her face is so beaten it looks like she drives a car with no windsheild.
BlindnessAfter an entire town is struck with a mysterious case of blindness, the lone sighted resident feigns illness so that she stay with her husband.
Stars: Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Gael Garcia Bernal, Danny Glover and Alice Braga
I think Julianne Moore is a fine peice of ass.
Gael Garcia Bernal played Che in "Motorcycle Diaries."
Mark Ruffalo has curly hair like me.
Those are the only reasons I could come up with for watching this flick.
But I am watching it....probably stoned cause I feel like I would have to be, to really focus on this flick.
Body of LiesA CIA operative tries to infiltrate a terrorist cell, but he soon begins to wonder about the loyalties of those who are giving the orders.
Stars: Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe
Didn't Don Cheadle make this movie earlier on this list. Hmmmm, so this is a CIA operative race war between Don and Leo.
I'm going with the Leo flick, not because I'm racist, but because I prefer white people.
Joking
QuarantineA television reporter and her cameraman are assigned to work a routine 911 call at an apartment building, but they soon learn that a woman living in the building has been infected by something unknown.
Stars: Jennifer Carpenter, Johnathon Schaech, Greg Germann, Steve Harris, Jay Hernandez
Can't wait to watch this one.
I will play for your tickets to go to this movie is you can id any of the actors in this flick. Going to this movie would be like going to an NBA game where the coaches let all the white guys play- IT WOULD BE SENSELESS.
Max PayneComing together to solve a series of murders in New York City are a DEA agent whose family was slain as part of a conspiracy and an assassin out to avenge her sister's death. The duo will be hunted by the police, the mob, and a ruthless corporation. Film is based on the wildly successful video game.
Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges, Ludacris
Mila Kunis is bangin, but she is dating the kid from Home Alone. I have a leather coat exactly like the one Wahlberg is wearing in this pic; does that make me Max Payne.
Doesn't Max Payne sound like a great window company. If Max Payne windows isn't already trademarked remind to do so.
Flash of GeniusWhen college professor and part-time inventor Robert Kearns develops an intermittent windshield wiper, he believes he, his wife and their children will be set for life. Though the invention is a big hit with automakers in 1960s Detroit, Kearns himself is forced out of the picture. Determined to collect the recognition and financial reward due him, Kearns wages a long, arduous legal battle against the auto industry.
Stars: Greg Kinnear, Lauren Graham, Dermot Mulroney, Alan Alda
I am not going to watch this movie, but I will watch the porno remake "Flash of 'Gina."
W.Whether you love him or hate him, there is no question that George W. Bush is one of the most controversial public figures in recent memory. Director Oliver Stone is bringing the life of our 43rd President to the big screen as only he can.
Stars: Josh Brolin, Richard Dreyfuss, Thandie Newton, James Cromwell, Scott Glenn
Must you even ask. I have been waiting for crazy ass Oliver Stone to come back into my life and he brought me this. Hell yes. W, is my most anticipated Fall flick. I am going to watch this once sober and once on a 3 day cocaine bender- in honor of still president Bush.
I hope Thandie Newton isn't playing Condi Rice, 'cause any horse's ass could play Condi; they are wasting Thandie. Oh yeah by horse's ass, I literally meant a horse's ass- Condi is one ugly deplorable human being. I would rather circumsize my own cock than see her naked.
High School Musical 3: Senior YearHigh school seniors Troy and Gabriella face the prospect of being separated from one another as they head off in different directions to college. Joined by the rest of the Wildcats, they stage an elaborate spring musical reflecting their experiences, hopes and fears about their future.
Stars: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Corbin Bleu, Monique Coleman
Why are these Highschoolers older than me? If the Republican party hated gay things so much why the fuck is this crappy movie series still going on?
PassengersAfter a plane crash, a therapist, Claire ( Anne Hathaway), is assigned by her mentor (Andre Braugher) to counsel the flight's five survivors. When the survivors begin to disappear mysteriously, she becomes determined to uncover the truth.
Stars: Anne Hathaway, Andre Braugher, Patrick Wilson
I am not going to watch this Anne Hathaway movie; or any Anne Hathaway movie. I saw The Devil Wears Prada and left with a headache. I cannot figure out if this woman is attractive or not. This topic has racked my brain.
They should do a movie determing the sexiness of Anne Hathaway starring Anne Hathaway. In the Prada movie she would look hot one minute and like my big toe the next. I couldn't tell whether to be turned on or to become a homesexual.
Pride and GloryA detective must investigate allegations of corruption at his older brother's precinct.
Stars: Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, Noah Emmerich, Jennifer Ehle, Lake Bell, and Jon Voight
Did Ed Norton's Hulk movie come out already?
It did, wow...was it good...No...damn that sucks.
I will fo sho watch this flick since I have a man crush on Colin and I will always like Norton for bringing to life one of my fave books- FIGHT CLUB.
I'm hoping that prima donna Norton plays the corrupt cop- cause he plays corrupt so well.
When I was younger and I heard people say the word 'Prima Donna' I thought they were saying "Pre-Madonna." I was amazed that people were being measured on an artificial Madonna timeline. I have no joke here, but I am glad that we don't measure things in an arbitrary Madonna time line.
Saw VHoffman is seemingly the last person alive to carry on the Jigsaw legacy. But when his secret is threatened, Hoffman must go on the hunt to eliminate all loose ends.
Stars: Meagan Good, Julie Benz, Scott Patterson, Costas Mandylor
When the fuck was Saw 2, 3, or 4. Have I been so stoned that I just glossed over the newest member into the pantheon of horror films.
I will not be seeing this movie since the poster alone made me wet myself a tad bit.
ChangelingChristine Collins' prayers are met when her kidnapped son is returned. But amidst the frenzy of the photo-op reunion, she realizes this child is not hers. Facing corrupt police and a skeptical public, she desperately hunts for answers, only to be confronted by a truth that will change her forever. Clint Eastwood directs the film that is based on a true story.
Stars: Angelina Jolie, John Malkovich, Jeffrey Donovan
I bet Angelina gets and Oscar for this role. I also bet that I will develop a boner while watching this movie.
In all seriousness, if Clint Eastwood makes it I will watch it. I remember when I felt that way about Jenna Jameson.
RocknRolla
When a Russian mobster orchestrates a crooked land deal, millions of dollars are up for grabs and all of London's criminal underworld wants in on the action.
Stars: Jeremy Piven, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton
This looks like one of those MTV original films that will air and re-air on the former music chanell 10,000 times until I have seen enough bits and peices to recreate the whole movie in my mind.
I think Luda had become the go to rapper when directors want to add street cred to one of their projects. I wonder who the next rapper to make the jump will be. I am going with Jesse McCartney- he has more street cred that a Lil Wayne mix tape.
I’m leavin', never to come back again
You found somebody who does it better than he can
No more making you cry, no more them gray skies
Girl we flying on that G-5, G-5
And we're leavin', never to come back again
So call your shorty and tell him you found a new man
The one that so, so fly
The one that keep you high
Have you singing all night like,
like Oooh oooh oooh (oh) Oooh oooh
Man she gon' be singing (she gon' be singing like) Oooh oooh oooh Oooh oooh
HA- try to get that song out of your head now.
I secretly love that song, so I am ok with it in my head.
To leave Madagascar, the New Yorkers use an old crashed plane to make it to the wildest place of all—the vast plains of Africa.
Stars: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jada Pinkett Smith
If this wasn't a cartoon and had that cast I would be in the front row; but since it doesn't then I won't.
Quantum of Solace"Quantum of Solace" continues James Bond adventures in "Casino Royale." Betrayed by Vesper, 007 fights the urge to make his latest mission personal.
Stars: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Jeffrey Wright, Giancarlo Giannini
Daniel Craig is the manliest British guy I have seen since Margaret Thatcher.
But I quit The Bond series when I found out it wasn't a true story; sorry 007.
An epidemic of organ failures devastates the planet. GeneCo, a biotech company offers organ transplants for a price. Those who miss their payments are scheduled for repossession and hunted by villainous Repo Men.
Stars: Anthony Head, Paul Sorvino, Paris Hilton
I am not watching this movie unless they actually kill Paris Hilton during the show. Is that too much to ask- I mean hasn't her reign of terror run its course yet? We bitch about North Korea, China, and The Middle East; but Paris is the biggest harbinger on the happiness of the American psyche since Joseph Mcarthy.
AustraliaPrior to World War II, an English aristocrat inherits a ranch the size of Maryland. When English cattle barons plot to take it, she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn cattle driver to drive 2000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles, only to face the bombing of Darwin, Australia by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor months earlier.
Stars: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, Bryan Brown
2 good looking Aussies in a movie entitled Australia- what a stretch. I wrote in my memoirs that I had never seen a movie about cattle herders so unless I want to rewrite my memoirs I am going to have to begrudgingly skip this show.
Is there anything manlier than Hugh Jackman on a horse? (Sigh)
Nothing Like the HolidaysIt’s Christmas time and the Rodriguez family is converging at their parents’ home in Chicago to celebrate and rejoice in their youngest brother’s safe return from combat overseas, and it all begins when the mother of the clan announces to her children she is divorcing their father.
Stars: John Leguizamo, Freddy Rodriguez, Debra Messing, Alfred Molina
One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Leguizamo, Rodriguez, Molina, and Messing- 3 Latinos and a white chick. Sounds like a Pit Bull video.
I love John Leguiasdlkfs;ljkhljkzamo and I used to think Messing was hot, but I am not satisfied with the simple ass story line.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood PrinceThe sixth film of eight in the Potter series, lets us meet a young Voldemort, with Harry ( Daniel Radcliffe) set to battle against enemies both within and outside Hogwarts school.
Stars: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Julie Walters, Helena Bonham Carter
Couldn't they have united this movie with the High School Musical movie and saved us all some time and money. Would anyone be opposed to seeing Zac Efron and Harry Potter duel it out in a magic spell off. They could also have a Vanessa Hudgens and Harry Potter sex scene since we've already witnessed both of their naked bodies.
The SoloistA journalist discovers a former classical music prodigy, playing his violin on the streets of L.A. As he endeavors to help the homeless man find his way back, a unique friendship is formed.
Stars: Jamie Foxx, Robert Downey Jr, Lisa Gay Hamilton, Catherine Keener
BoltBolt, the star of a hit TV show, is accidentally shipped cross country from his owner. Now the dog, who thinks all his on-screen feats and powers are real, must get back home with a little help from some new friends.
Stars: John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Sussie Essman, Mark Walton
I didn't think this movie had any appeal what so ever; but then the 18 year old I'm currently getting head from requested my presence and accompaniment while she watched this movie. I think she's a Miley Cyrus fan....I need to get a new girlfriend.
Four ChristmasesWhen their plans for an exotic vacation fall apart, unmarried couple Brad and Kate must spend Christmas Day trudging back and forth to a quartet of family get-togethers. While Brad counts the hours till he can escape the onslaught of crazy relatives, Kate begins to wonder about her own choices and ponders whether her family members are so crazy after all.
Stars: Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon, Kristin Chenoweth, Robert Duvall, Jon Favreau, Dwight Yoakam, Tim McGraw, Jon Voight, and Sissy Spacek
I had this buddy, Matt Groce, who may have been the greatest human being I have ever met. A group of friends and I met him at the bar one night- he was with about a dozen girls and since we were with none we had to befriend the guy. He and his ladies came back to my place and we partied all night; and he was cooler than the other side of the pillow. It happened to be a Saturday night and we passed out at about 4 am. The next morning- Sunday- my roomate and I were in our pajamas at about 1:30 watching NFL football and we heard a knock at our window. Matt had climbed up the fire escape and came bearing gifts. He came with a 24 pack of Coors and a couple blunts. not since frankincense and mur have gifts meant so much. The guy was down for a good time at all times.
I relay this story because I feel like Vince Vaughn would be exactly like Matt. I feel bad hating this movie because I feel like I actually know Vince Vaughn. What a shame.
Punisher: War ZoneWaging his one-man war on the world of organized crime, Frank Castle sets his sights on mob boss, Billy Russoti. After Russoti is left horribly disfigured by Castle, he sets out for vengeance under his new alias: Jigsaw. Frank must stand up to the army that Jigsaw has recruited.
Stars: Dominic West, Julie Benz, Wayne Knight, Ray Stevenson, Colin Salmon
The only thing The Punisher will punish is the retinas of the viewers. Why pay 12 bucks to go watch this shit-flick, when you could go to the video store and rent any Jean Claude Van-Damme movie for a dollar, and spend the rest of the money on a pizza. Damn I am famished...
I make zero money off this wonderful blog, and I have no aspirations for money; but if I can somehow finagle some free food out of this I would love it. If any cooks or restaurateurs read this throw me a bone; or a steak.
TwilightStars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, and Peter Facinelli
This is our requisite emo film of the year. The only positive thing I can say about this film is that one of the stars, ahem, actors in this is Peter Facinelli; and he is married to Jenny Garth.
I have no idea what the relvance of that little bit of info is, but I felt like the emo's and goth's would put a curse on me had I eviscerated this film.
The Day the Earth Stood StillThis remake of the 1951 classic sci-fi film features an alien visitor and his giant robot counterpart who visit Earth.
Stars: Keanu Reeves, Kathy Bates, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith
Is Keanu Reeves gay? Has his sexuality ever been validated at straight or sweet? The only way this movie is any good is if Keanu's wooden ass plays the robot. That would be the most appropriate casting in hollywood since Woody Allen played the role of child abusing daughter marrier....What;.......Woody never played that part in a movie....oh, well disregard that last comment.
Yes ManA man who always says no to everything, finally starts saying yes to the world that he's denied.
Stars: Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel
Remember when Jim Carrey was funny...yeah me too. I loved Eternal Sunshine, but for the love of comedy please give us one funny movie for every 3 artsy fartsy movies. I didn't see The Number 23, but this has to be better than that.
And Zooey Deshanel sound like the nerdy fat girl that sat by herself during lunch and read the ingredients in her lunchable.
Bedtime StoriesA hotel handyman ( Adam Sandler) has his life turned upside down when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to come true.
Stars: Adam Sandler, Keri Russell, Guy Pearce, Lucy Lawless, Aisha Tyler, Jonathan Pryce, Courteney Cox
You know why they really called this movie bedtime stories.....because if you watch it you actually fall asleep during it.
HAHAHA
Thank you, thank you
If you were Adam Sandler and you were a millionare many times over why not throw caution to the wind and throw a time-stopping remote in every movie a la Click- with utter disregard for the subject matter.
Coming Soon: Adam Sandler in a civil war movie...featuring the remote from click.
Coming Soon: Adam Sandler in a remake of The Godfather, featuring the remote from click.
Now those are movies I would wacth.
Frost/NixonIn 1977, three years after the Watergate scandal that ended his presidency, Richard Nixon selects British TV personality David Frost to conduct a one-on-one, exclusive interview. The film is based on the play by Peter Morgan.
Stars: Michael Sheen, Frank Langella, Kevin Bacon, Sam Rockwell
We should all watch this movie in order to juxtapose the worst president of all time, Bush, with the 2nd worst, Nixon.
Funny how they're both Republicans.
Not funny, appropriate.
The Spirit
Frank Miller adapts the classic Will Eisner comic of a former rookie cop who returns mysteriously from the dead as the Spirit to fight crime from the shadows of Central City. His arch-enemy, the Octopus,has a different mission: he’s going to wipe out Spirit's beloved city as he pursues his own version of immortality.
Stars: Gabriel Macht, Samuel Jackson, Eva Mendes, Scarlett Johansson, Dan Lauria
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Samuel L. Jackson is mad again. This movie looks mad whack y'all.
I will watch this movie if Scarlett Johanssen makes out with Eva Mendes a la her make out scene with Penelope Cruz.
Is the octupus in this movie the same octupus from the spider man flick? And who decided that an octupus was scary, cause I sure don't fear an octupus. What about a piranha, I'm scared of those little guys. Or a termite; they can destroy homes!
Instead of an octupus they should have had the antagonist dress up in a John McCain mask- AHHHHHHH; that would be a killa.
Taken
Stars: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Xander Berkely and Katie Cassidy
Have you noticed that there are a shit load of spy and espionage movies out this year. The movies ussually reflect the times, so does that mean that there are a shit ton of spies out there. I am aware that the government spies on most of our emails and phone calls but the number of spy flicks Hollywood is coming out with has me really concerned. I mean, what if I know a spy, what if my dealers are spies, what if my dog has been wired this whole time......this new dope I'm smoking really has me paranoid as hell. I have to go shower.
When I first started to get stoned I had a couple bad pot experiences and I tried to shower away the high. It never worked. I have a masters degree and at one point I thought a cold shower could de-contaminate my system of THC. What's more disturbing, is that there was a time in my life when I ran away from a high- weird.
ValkyrieStars: Tom Cruise, Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Eddie Izzard, Terence Stamp
I have made my love of all things Cruise very clear. So I am hella happy for this movie to end our list. What better way to reignite your career than to try and kill Hitler in your film. Unless Cruise mails it in worse than Coldplay on their latest album, this movie will kick your ass.
I hope I had zero effect on your movie going at all- cause my opinion is laced in dope and nonsensical bravado.
But I do hope I made you look at the movies from my blood shot vantage point.
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