Madonna and McCain

During one of her played out concerts old ass Madonna played some old ass song and flashed images of McCain and tied together images of Hitler, Mugabe, global warming and destruction.

She also tied together images of Obama, Ghandi, Gore, Lennon, and laughing children.

Every time I cease to be sexually attracted to Madonna she goes and does something like this, and completely redeems herself.

I do think she went too far, but fuck it, Thomas Jefferson called John Adams a hermaphrodite, so all it fair.

Ok, so maybe not everything is fair, but this is alright.

Ok, this is not alright, but since it bashes McCain, I am turning a blind eye to it. This is like being a parent to the town bully; you are not totally behind it, but you're glad your kid is kicking the ass and not hiding in the monkey bars.

Daddy Yankee

Peurto Rican one hit wonder Daddy Yankee has thrown his support behind Johnny Mac, ahem, your move Ricky Martin.





Damn it, I love that fuckin song. here's the video of Daddy's,I can't call another man Daddy, here is Mr. Yankee's support video. Watch the part where McCain whores Yankee out to the crowd.

A white guy prostituting a person of color, it seems so natural to the Mac man.

BREAKING NEWS

Obama chooses Biden as his running mate....you heard it here first.....What's that baby....Obama announced it last night by text message....When?.....at 3 am...why the fuck would he do that?....I was on my 5th line of coke by then...what an ass....Well yippee for me and my ill-fated attempt at beating the national talking heads to a story....I gotta go.

P.S.

• I still wish he had chosen Hilla the Hun as his running mate; but Biden ain't bad.
• Hey Mitt Romney good luck against the colloquial bulldog Biden during the Veep debates.I have a feeling the Veep debates are going to turn into a religious battle on par with the battles between Wickens and happiness. Romney vs Biden....Mormon vs Catholic.....Joseph Smith vs Pope Benedict.....The Polygamous Mormon God vs The Sexually Repressed Catholic God.
• I wonder what God is telling Bush about the upcoming elections, you know since they speak....please enlighten us Georgie.
  
  
  Nabil Shaath, who was Palestinian foreign minister at the time, said:
  "President Bush said to all of us: 'I am driven with a mission from God'. God
  would tell me, 'George go and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan'. And I did.
  And then God would tell me 'George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq'. And I did."
  Mr Bush went on: "And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, 'Go
  get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get
  peace in the Middle East'. And, by God, I'm gonna do it."
  
  
  

Sexual Debate

So I was online and I came across this article.

The article tackles the issue of "How many sexual partners is too many?" Following the article are a slew of emails from women debating the "sexual partner" issue. I simply cannot leave these women to their own devices so I will respond to their comments.

Here goes:



“I have friends who sleep with a different girl every week, practically. I’m okay with it, but I’m not sure I’d want to sleep with them, at least not until they settled down and could be okay with just one girl. So for me, the actual number might not matter as much as their attitude. That said, 100 sexual partners is a little promiscuous and I think 20 to 50, over a lifetime, is my limit. I don’t think I could sleep with more than that without feeling gross, personally.” -- Jenni

Jenni you sound like you wear birkenstocks and mock turtle necks. What is the real difference between 100 partners and 20- 50 partners- in the grand scheme of things - nothing. So loosen up baby, you are already gross- slap on a maid outfit, change your name to Candy, and accept your actual identity as a porno actress.

NEXT!!

“For dudes it’s a tough question. I will probably think that any guy has slept with too many and I would say the average for a guy is probably 40 to 50 women. That is just too many. Ideally, I would like a guy to sleep with 15 to 25. Personally, I’ve slept with 14 and I would rather not sleep with more than 30 in my lifetime. Also, what about if you sleep with boys and girls? Say you’ve slept with 20 dudes, but 50 women...is that too many? I don’t know.” -- Lana

Whoa, Lana; have you slept with girls? You seem frisky to me, I like it. If you promise to never call men "Dudes" then I will promise to become your fifteenth, me and some random girl we pick up at a truck stop could have a blast while tripping balls on shroom and mescaline. Are you down Lana.

NEXT!!

“More than 30 sexual partners for anyone is too many...actually maybe more than 25. Thirty is a lot too. I would say that goes for anyone, but I don’t really care how many people my friends sleep with as it doesn’t really affect my friendship with them. So I guess it matters more to me for sexual partners.” -- Liz

Liz seems schizophrenic. I slept with a Liz once- Liz Youngs- what a nut job. One time my Liz showed up at my place wearing rubber boots and a poncho and asked me to go play frisbee golf with her- she was a loon and I loved her. Maybe this Liz is my Liz; if it is I miss you; and could you return all the forks you stole from my house.

NEXT!!

“At 25, when I was able to tell my long-term boyfriend that he was my 10th, I felt like that was a good number for me—someone who had some relationships, dated, but no long-term commitments. I felt that 10 wasn’t so high that i screamed ‘easy’. However, if my boyfriend and I broke up tomorrow I think I would be quicker to sleep with men earlier on in dating than I was when I was 20 and worried about being called a slut in college. Now that I’m more comfortable with sex and sexuality in general, if we broke up tomorrow I could hit 20 by age 30 and I would be fine with that. And I would hope that if I were single at 35 I would have lots of partners as opposed to only a couple more. Sex with different men is what I envy about single women at this age and older. Sleeping with one or two more men for fear of being labeled sounds like a really boring way to spend my late-20’s and early-30’s if I were single.” -- Casey

Casey sounds like my female sexual doppelganger. More women should try to emulate Casey instead of Sarah Jessica Parker.

NEXT!!

“I think over 100 is really excessive. People who stay single longer are obviously going to have had more partners, but now there are all sorts of things even condoms can’t prevent. If a friend of yours got crazy and slept with someone new once a month, I probably wouldn’t blink twice. But if they never have a dry spell or never get into a serious relationship through their entire 20’s, that puts them at approximately 120 partners by age 30. And usually my head snaps back when I hear someone, other than a porn star, has slept with over 100 people.” -- Megan

Condoms prevent everything, and every time I bypass wearing a condom and go sleeveless I always eat a raw egg and wash my dick in a saline solution following sex- it cures everything. So I am definitely clean and safe as can be.

NEXT!!

“If a guy told me he slept with 200 women, I would be put off, but mostly because I would be worried about disease, not really about him being a womanizer.” -- Erin

Umm, It's not 200 yet- so I guess we're still ok, right Erin?

NEXT!!

“I don’t really have a number that seems like ‘too much’. I think that sometimes very high numbers indicate that a person might be pathological. Of course, age and personality are factors, as is relationship history. I’d say anything over 50 for either men or women would make me take pause, not necessarily in a negative way, just in a ‘Dang, Gina!’ way.” -- Laura

I like you Laura. First you used the word "pathological," which always turns me on; and second you referenced Martin- the tv show- LOVE IT. Since you watched Martin, I am guessing you have an apple bottom- so let me holla at you. How bout we go to The Olive Garden for unlimited breadsticks and salad and then back to my place where I can throw bologna at your fat ass.

NEXT!!

“Over the course of someone’s life, assuming they don’t get married and settle down—which presumably puts an end to the racking up of bed partners—all bets are off. If I had no desire to settle down and just went from relationship to relationship the way most people do, with little droughts and little slutty phases in between, I could very realistically be talking hundreds of partners by the end of my life. I don’t know that that would be excessive. As long as you’re not endangering your health or cheating on a monogamous partner or trying to fill an emotional void, I see nothing wrong with getting your swerve on regularly.” -- Tanya

Tanya I agree with everything you said, except for the "racking up of partners during marriage" thing. Marriage is like a game of hide and seek. You seek out new partners, but you make sure to hide them from your wife; ba doom doom. I'll be here all week, thank you thank you, please tip the waitresses, you've been a great crowd.

NEXT!!

“Honestly, I never really think about it or care, but I guess once you hit the 20’s I think it’s kind of trashy.” -- Emma

Well, that does it everybody, I am trashy. So here goes; from this point on I am a born again virgin. Virginity is the shit; I can't wait to lose it to my palm and a Puma Swede video after I complete this post.

NEXT!!

Bella Karoli

If you've been watching the Olympics than you will understand this post- if not- then go fuck yourself you unpatriotic piece of Communist trash. Just kidding, I love Communists.

I mean in 10 years when China takes us over we're going to become commies.

I pledge my undying allegiance to China starting today. Did you here that China, we're cool right; you won't break my daughter's feet and make me work in the rice fields will ya?

Anyways; I fucking hate Bella Karoli. He makes me embarrassed as an American. Every time an American chick doesn't win gold he claims the judges were cheating. Plus the fact that he can somehow analyze age through the use of his 70 year old eyes is quite disturbing. He thinks that every Chinese gymnast is under 16- maybe they are- but your eyes alone cannot determine that. My eyes tell me that a 70 year old gymnastics coach from Romania is probably a pedophile- do you see why that is a faulty system of analysis. Maybe you aren't a pedophile and maybe the Chinese girls were 16. Get over it.

He's from Romania- why the fuck is he so crazy? Is he trying to overcompensate for his inherent Romanian-ness. Hell, sometime the U.S. doesn't win gold; deal with it you creepy bastard.

I think the viewers should have a say as to who gets to sit in the studio with the midget Bob Costas. I would never have voted for Bella- put a former gymnast in their like May Lou, or Prince.

What is the Point?

Lately I have been baggin this 18 year old; and boy let me tell you it has been a joy. She literally fell into my lap and we began having sex. I was under the impression that she was kind of a moron, I mean anyone that would sleep with me on the first night has to be a brain freeze away from the short bus; but I digress.

Up until last night we had hung out twice and fucked each time we hung out. So I was pretty sure our relationship was predicated on one thing- SEX. And I was hella ok with that.

Then last night happened. I was on my home and I was horny (Mariah Carey was playing on the radio and her voice warms my loins) so I called up Dimples.

Me: He what's up
Dimples: Hi, yay it's you, what are you up to
Me: Just driving home to my big empty house.....ahem....you should swing by and keep me company.

SIDE NOTE: Keep me company does not mean "keep me company" in this context. It means come over and let me do things to you that would make Jenna Jameson blush. AHHHHHH

Dimples: I'm already in bed babe; why don't you swing over here and hang out with me.

At this point I was ecstatic- I could go over there, ejaculate, and pop back home. This scenario was much easier than having her infiltrate my fortress, since I would either have to figure out a way to make her leave after we had fucked or I would have to spend the night with her- gross.


Me: Ok I'll be right there.


She buzzed me into her apartment and I had already began to unzip my jeans as I walked up her stairs. She opened the door and hugged me- not good. I was expecting her to drop and give me fifty.

Dimples: I don't feel so good, I'm glad you're here to help me get better.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I was ambushed.

This is what John McCain must have experienced with the Vietcong.

I had no clue what to do, so I laid in bed with her for 3 hours until I grew a pair of balls and told her that I had called for a fuck, not for a cuddle, then I hit her, grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and left.

Ok, that is not what happened even though it sounds cool as shit. Picture that scenario and try not to laugh- HAHAHA, you can't. I actually told her that I had to get up early for work and didn't want to bother her in morning, due to her malady, so in her best interest I had to vacate the premises.

On the car ride home I was utterly flummoxed. Maybe due her youth and naivete she hadn't fully grasped the booty call concept. Anytime a guy like me calls after midnight it is for sex- even though I will never straight up mention sex.

Or maybe she is an evil genius, and she used sex to lure me into her bed, in an attempt to successfully carry out her master plan handed down by the Bitch Mother Ship of getting me to become a monogamous bastard.

Should I sit her down and open up the subject to her?

Probably not; I mean she's only 18; I can't be mean to the same girl that cried over missing out on Jonas Brothers Tickets.

I am lost. I was either played or I am banging a retarded person. I end up the loser no matter which scenario it is.

Tennis Player Kills Bird

Ann Coulter

http://view.break.com/556925 - Watch more free videos

Ten Best TV Characters

Bored

I may be mailing it in a bit with this post, but, no one even knows who I am. So I am sealing the envelope and mailing this one in. I felt like writing a list of my favorite current TV characters. Lists are the vehicle that carries lazy writers to their deadlines, but they can be entertaining. On to the list

Best TV Characters. Let’s go with my 10 favorites.


Charlie Kelly: He lives in filth. He is illiterate. He is an alcoholic that also huffs paint. He fails miserably with women and is responsible for completing the most disgusting tasks in the bar. But I love him. He is a wonderful musician and he survived an abortion. I think we may be related. If the Emmy’s weren’t run by a geriatric group of old white men, then Charlie Day would win an Emmy for the character of Charlie Kelly


Jermaine Clemaine of Flight of the Conchords: A New Zealander transplanted in America with his best friend Brett. He hates Australia- I hate Australia. Once again on the music tip- he is an amazing musician. His band is an example of abject failure; even though the lyrics and vocals rival Prince’s Purple Rain.


Hebert from Family Guy: A pedophilic old man with a creepy voice. Hmmmm, sounds like every Catholic priest in America. HA, this is why I love Herbert, he allows me the opportunity to shit on the Catholic Church some more.


Liz Lemon: Liz Lemon is played by Tina Fey- who coincidentally gives me a regular boner and a brain boner. She is fragile and single and seems ripe for a douche like me to swoop in and woo her out of her granny panties.


Tracy Jordan: A black man on the run from Bill Cosby, Gordon form Sesame Street, Jesse Jackson, and the rest of The Black Crusaders- solid gold. He is full of conspiracy theories and believes he has to maintain his “crazy” or else Hollywood will black list him. I am also on the run from the Black Crusaders, but I run cause I sided with Lisa Bonet when Bill tried to have her killed. Tracy is also an alcoholic, so we have that in common.


Andrew Bernard: I have to pick someone from The Office, so I come from left field with a character that is usually lost in left field. Andy Bernard went to Cornell and he makes sure you never forget it. He loves his voice and sings at the top of his lungs at the drop of a hat. He is banging conservative Republican Angela Martin. I imagine that he hate fucks that tight ass, and that is a small retribution for me against a republican party that has fucked us for 8 years.


Barney Stinson: This is acting at its finest- NPH, a gay man, plays the biggest hetero pimp on TV. After years of Doogie Howser jokes Neil Patrick Harris has exacted revenge on us all. This mutha fucka is talented, and funny as fuck, and he was DOOGIE. I wonder where Vinnie is at this point……Side Note- My ex girlfriend’s vibrator was named Vinnie. Ummmm, ok.


Dr. Gregory House: A genius misanthropic drug addicted doctor. Sounds like me, save for the doctor part. He walks with a pimp cane and is a misogynistic bastard. If this guy adopts a chalice on the upcoming season he will top Snoop and The White Man as the biggest pimp of all time.


Lyla Garrity: If you know me you know that some of these characters will be on this list solely due to their sexuality. Even though Neil Patrick Harris would swing my way, I don’t swing his, so Minka Kelly is on this list as the beef in this word sandwhich. I have never seen an episode of Friday Night Lights, but I have heard it’s a hell of a show- so Lyla Garrity you are on of my ten favorites for substance of show and for substance of looks.


Barack Obama: He is on TV so often that I have to include him on this list. The key to this list is that if I were to walk by the tele and one of these characters were on, would I stop? I would halt for all of these characters, but I would actually sit down for Obama. The reason The Obama show is my favorite is because this show may actually be picked up for four years and my life may improve along with it. Reality tv at its finest.

License Plate Hot

I have a confession to make.

I was driving to work this morning and this woman pulled up next to me at the light. I had to be at work at 8 am, and it was 7:55. My job was the next right- Did I turn?- Hell No. I kept driving. She was that hot.

She was hot enough to make me late for work.

I didn't want to try to engage her, I just wanted to keep close to her. She then pulled in front of me. She was getting onto the expressway, and I didn't want to lose her....so I wrote down her license plate number.

I am not planning on stalking her, but I just wanted to save her license plate number- you know for a rainy day.

I hope this doesn't make me a psycho.

Bzzin All Over Me

I was stung by a bee yesterday. I was conniving enough to get out of work with enough time to get shwasted. I stopped at a gas station, to fill up, and I saw beer cans sold individually. God, if I'm not supposed to drink and drive, why do you make it so easy?

So I bought a beer can...ahem....2 beer cans and drank on the way to a buddy's house. Upon arrival more drinking ensued.

More drinking

A joint

A margarita.

Then my buddy proclaimed- "There's a bee nest on my garage...wanna hit it with a tennis racket."

Now I am very aware of all the benefits bees grace our lives with; but I was fucked up, and the idea of hitting bees with a tennis racket seemed appealing as hell. So my friend and I walked outside and fought a bees nest for 30 minutes hopped up on booze and hash.

The neighbors must have

I was stung, but I was too high to notice. I woke up this morning with a sting on my arm, and surprise in my head. My arms is swollen, but fuck, it was all worth it.

You really should have seen it, we fucked those bees up.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Song of the Day

The Kooks: Naive

Shit On My Mind

• What does Disney World do if they find an infestation of mice? Do they kill them? Or do they put them on payroll.
• How do bald men respond to the question of hair color on their licences?
• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Do KKK members drink chocolate milk?
• Why do"slim chance" and "fat chance" have the same meaning?
• When I was in 3rd grade my teacher made our class draw a family tree. This wouldn't have been so bad except that I had no family and absolutely no idea where I originated. So I drew a branch-less, leafless tree.
• Vis a vis the last "dot" some kids in my class did not earn an A on their family tree. That has to be the shittiest feeling (along with being a foster child like me) in the world. Your lineage is not worthy of an A, there are some deficiencies so you will be marked down accordingly. Weird.
• Why is the word abbreviate so long?
• I receive alot of negative comments relating to my drug use. Comments like "you're going nowhere," or "you are going to live shitty life." Whatever. If my drug use is taking me nowhere, then at least I am taking the scenic route to nowhere.

Ice Cream Trcuk Blues

There are no more ice cream trucks on the road. The gas prices have destroyed the ice cream truck industry. One of the greatest joys of my childhood was listening to the ice cream track pass by only to decide to purchase a goody once the truck was a block away. Now because of George Bush- I am currently blaiming Bush for everything, even for Benigan's shutting down- we have no more ice cream on wheels.

MASTURVATION

I am tired of writing "Masturbation Motivation," so I am going to combine the two words into an uber word-

MASTURVATION

So onto today's Masturvation:

Melissa Theuriau

She is a French news anchor. We have Katie Couric and the French have Melissa Theuriau: NOT FAIR.

Lebron loves the olympics

Lebron loves big butts and he cannot lie

Cubs fans are morons

No wonder the Cubs suck more dick than Paris Hilton on an all night cock bender.





I feel bad for Blondie. Hey Mica, get me this reporter's phone number so I can get her wet....in a different way.

HA

Burger King employee bathing in sink

It could be cause I am supa stoned right now, but even after watching these vids, I am hungry for a whopper.



Here is the news story:





Here is the actual Burger King video:



Have it your way.

I hope that BK does a commercial featuring The King bathing in a sink.

Over the Line

I felt bad watching this....so what do I do....I publicize it. This sick cycle has ensconsed my daily life.





But still not as over the line as this:

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them

Did you laugh............cause I did.

James Franco

Franco has always been a favorite of mine- ever since Freaks and Geeks, but this excerpt from his GQ interview is fuckin bananas.

One afternoon, I ask Franco about the research he did for Sonny, a minor but
perfectly robust movie directed by Nicolas Cage in which Franco plays a New
Orleans prostitute. After a failed attempt to get useful information from some
female prostitutes on Santa Monica Boulevard—during which the hookers insisted
on touching his penis, purportedly to establish that he was not an undercover
cop—he went to New Orleans, where he was introduced to a guy who was supposedly
a gigolo.
“There was a strip club on Bourbon Street,” he begins. “I had only
ever been to one strip club before I went to New Orleans to do that movie. But I
started going to every strip club. There was one they advertise as ‘Live Sex
Shows’ and I went in there and met a male stripper who said he was straight and
that he serviced men and women. I later found out he didn’t really tell the
truth all the time. But I thought he was a good model for my part. And he was
the guy I hung out with the most. He would do lap dances for people, and then in
between we hung out in the back. So I was with him one night and this other guy
came in. And this guy came in and said to my friend, ‘Hey, man, I need you for a
job right now—this guy wants two.’ And he said, ‘I’m hanging out with James
doing research for this movie.’ And the guy says, ‘You’re doing research? Okay.
You want to do real research. You’re going to come down, come to the hotel. This
guy’s so out of his mind on coke, he won’t even know what’s going on. You just
sit in the corner in the chair, take your shirt off, sit there, you can watch
the whole thing.’ I said, ‘Okay.’ ”

Here is the link to the complete interview.