McCain's pastor is fuckin nut job too. When did religion become a tool to divide the world, Jesus Christ.
No seriously, we need Jesus Christ.
I am not religious at all, frankly I have no religion, but these "Religious Leaders" need a throat punch in the worst way.
Whether it is Obama's religious leader-Jeremiah Wright, McCain's religious leaders- John Hagee or Rod Parsley, or Hilary's religious leader- Bill Clinton; they all seem insane to me. Isn't religion meant to uplift, meant to help us live Godlier lives.
Hypocrites.
Bright Eyes
I love music and I love words with purpose.
This is a combination of the two.
It is old, but still a very moving song.
This is a combination of the two.
It is old, but still a very moving song.
Bidet and Good Night
I have a work trip to France coming up. How excited am I.....on a scale of 1 to Boner, I am definitely chubby. I do have some trepidations regarding my rendez-vous- I have been practicing my Francais.
I hope that Germany keeps to itself while I am within the the streets of Paris.
I love croissants and French bread pizza- I hope that French bread pizza is a French thing and not just some American fugaze. Viva La France.
I can't wait to check out French porn.
I am very excited that the French drink and smoke a great deal. Not only do I Love to drink and smoke, but when it is to an extent described as "a great deal," I am even more ecstatic.
The French are moody and temperamental, but they do that double kiss thing I have heard so much about....hmmmmm. I can look past the moodiness since I work with a lot of women- kind of used to it. I am more than willing to kiss every single woman I come across "Double Time."
I have heard that they don't shave their pits. GROSS.
Regarding the arm pit ordeal, eww, it sucks just to type, I can be coaxed into "dealing with it." Let's say that Salma Hayek comes to her senses and propositions me, but she has hairy pits....I would still say yes. So if a hottie French baby has some under arm fuzz I can do exactly what Jesus would have done and turn the other cheek.
If my sperm choose to finally wake up from the years of marijuana usage and I accidentally sire a child in France I could name him - (I only make boys)- a bad ass name like Marie or Jean-Paul or Yves or Rene. That last sentence may come off as sarcasm, but trust me it is not, androgynous male French names are so bad ass.
I actually found some cool French music so my ears will certainly survive-chchchchchchch-eck it out.
Oh poor Soko. I wonder if she's single?
So as you can see I am alright with the majority of France and French-type shit, except for the dreaded BIDET.
How does it work??????????????????????????????????????
Do you poo into it??????????????????????????????????????
If so, then won't that muddy the water......Am I supposed to actually cleanse my colon with the bidet water????????????????????????????????
Is the water room temp. or will it freeze my anus and its friends?????????????
Am I supposed to poo, wipe, and then bidet, or do I bidet then wipe?????????
This; this stupid BIDET is ruining my trip, I can't stop thinking about it. I tried to Google bidet usage videos but I keep coming up empty.
If any of you eight readers out there can help-please feel free. In the meantime I am going to attach a hose to my bathroom sink and practice bidet-ing.
Au Revoir
I hope that Germany keeps to itself while I am within the the streets of Paris.
I love croissants and French bread pizza- I hope that French bread pizza is a French thing and not just some American fugaze. Viva La France.
I can't wait to check out French porn.
I am very excited that the French drink and smoke a great deal. Not only do I Love to drink and smoke, but when it is to an extent described as "a great deal," I am even more ecstatic.
The French are moody and temperamental, but they do that double kiss thing I have heard so much about....hmmmmm. I can look past the moodiness since I work with a lot of women- kind of used to it. I am more than willing to kiss every single woman I come across "Double Time."
I have heard that they don't shave their pits. GROSS.
Regarding the arm pit ordeal, eww, it sucks just to type, I can be coaxed into "dealing with it." Let's say that Salma Hayek comes to her senses and propositions me, but she has hairy pits....I would still say yes. So if a hottie French baby has some under arm fuzz I can do exactly what Jesus would have done and turn the other cheek.
If my sperm choose to finally wake up from the years of marijuana usage and I accidentally sire a child in France I could name him - (I only make boys)- a bad ass name like Marie or Jean-Paul or Yves or Rene. That last sentence may come off as sarcasm, but trust me it is not, androgynous male French names are so bad ass.
I actually found some cool French music so my ears will certainly survive-chchchchchchch-eck it out.
Oh poor Soko. I wonder if she's single?
So as you can see I am alright with the majority of France and French-type shit, except for the dreaded BIDET.
How does it work??????????????????????????????????????
Do you poo into it??????????????????????????????????????
If so, then won't that muddy the water......Am I supposed to actually cleanse my colon with the bidet water????????????????????????????????
Is the water room temp. or will it freeze my anus and its friends?????????????
Am I supposed to poo, wipe, and then bidet, or do I bidet then wipe?????????
This; this stupid BIDET is ruining my trip, I can't stop thinking about it. I tried to Google bidet usage videos but I keep coming up empty.
If any of you eight readers out there can help-please feel free. In the meantime I am going to attach a hose to my bathroom sink and practice bidet-ing.
Au Revoir
Ku Klux Kampaign
I am neither a Republican nor Democratic, I am a constitutionalist. I believe that within the document that Bush proclaimed, was nothing but a piece of paper, our answers will be found. I believe that the constitution will point us in the right direction, that the inherent ideals within that document are what politicians should adhere to. I understand that my opinion is no more meaningful than yours and no more meaningless that yours; but I do feel it necessary to express my feelings through words transcribed to a page. Typing is cathartic; it allows me the opportunity to relax and focus my feelings. So the following will be an onslaught of focused feelings.
I have voted for Barack Obama in the primaries and will vote for either Democratic nominee in the general election. If Barack is the nominee -I will vote for him. If Clinton is the nominee - my vote will be against McCain in the stead of a vote for Clinton. McCain lost me forever with his 100 years war proclamation. That’s seems like a good legacy to yearn for, 100 years of death and destruction. At this point I would vote for McDreamy or McSteamy before I would even consideer voting for McCain.
I am growing tired of Hilary Clinton’s Ku Klux Kampaign.
Hilary Clinton and her campaign are disabling the Democratic Party. Her mantra seems to be "if she’s is not the president then no democrat should be the president."
Geraldine Ferraro’s claims that Barack is lucky to be a black man fall on deaf ears in my neck of the woods. Barack is not the front runner because of his “blackness,” but Geraldine is trying to make Barack the front runner in spite of his “blackness.” Barack is finding success because he is a successful politician.
If black skin was such an asset, then why Barack; why not Colin Powell, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Harold Ford, Tiger Woods, Bill Cosby, or any other prominent black man in this country, what made Obama so lucky. Nothing, luck had nothing to do with it, neither did skin color. Political skill had everything to do with it. Mrs. Ferraro is attempting to make skin color a divisive issue. I am also getting tired of Geraldine calling the Obama campaign and the supporters of the Obama campaign racist and sexist. Senility may be setting in for Geraldine, but sexist and “reverse” racism were never issues until you began crying wolf. The person making the entire racket cannot then turn around and complain about the noise.
Side Note: I hate the term “reverse racism,” and one of my life goals is to eradicate that term from the lexicon. Racism is racism, whether it is against blacks, whites, browns, yellows, purples, and on and on. Racism isn’t defined as oppression of black people; it is oppression of a people based around their RACE. So when white people are being oppressed because of their skin color it is racism, not reverse racism. Ok, back to the point.
Hilary has spoken out of both sides of her mouth so much that the idiom “speaking out of both sides of your mouth” has been officially changed to “pulling a Hilary.”
“I am honored to be here with Barack Obama. I am absolutely honored” VS “Shame on you Barack, shame on you”
Obama is not qualified to be President VS But he can be my vice president…hmmmmm.
I have 35 years experience and am ready on day 1 VS America would benefit from a Co-Presidency, which includes Bill Clinton
I’m prepared, ready, and tested VS Why do I always get the first question and why is the media picking on me
I’m prepared, ready, and tested. I have the battle scars VS They’re picking on me because I’m a woman…because America’s enemies will surely go easy on you.
Obama received $250,000 from a Rezko fundraiser (which was later donated to charity), paid market value for land, and released on documents pertaining to these issues VS I’m not going to talk about the $850,000 I received from Norman Hsu or the ponzai scheme. I am not going to speak about Peter Paul or his 2 million dollar contribution. I am not going to release my tax forms. Oh yeah there is that whole Whitewater thing.
I have been involved in International peace talks while I was 1st lady…So you were at the table in the peace talks in Northern Ireland?…No but I played an important role. What did you wish away the violence, oh yay for the magical Hilary Clinton! Mrs. Clinton has also “misremembered” parts of her sniper fire filled Bosnia mission. If she is embellishing the landing of a plane, what else is she embellishing? By the way “embellish” is just a nicer way of saying “lie,” she LIED. Good.
I support the war and vote in full confidence to authorize the use of force VS I really didn’t agree with it at the time but now I really regret my vote
I support NAFTA VS I never really supported NAFTA
I attack NAFTA in Michigan and Ohio, but not in Texas (because it helped Texas).
Why would Obama associate with an admitted terrorist like William Ayers” (the two served on a Chicago area poverty board; Ayers is a respected professor at the Univ. of Chicago). VS Bill Clinton pardoned a member of the Weather Underground (which Ayers was a member of). Bill Clinton - at the behest of Hillary Clinton to gain Hispanic support for her NY Senate campaign - pardoned members of the FALN terrorist group. This group killed numerous people including law enforcement representatives. This presidential pardon was widely condemned by both parties in both houses.
Obama’s dirt as of now appears to be an excitable preacher, paying fair market value for property from a guy that would later be indicted, and helping poor people with a guy that was a 1960’s radical while in college.
Lastly, Experience. It is not the number of years you have served; it is the amount of service in your years. Obama has introduced hundreds of important pieces of legislation; many of them have been signed into law. He’s done more in a year at the Senate than Clinton has introduced in her career.
I am really tired of the Clinton machine. I was neutral to them at the start of the race, but there dirty politics have downright sickened me.
I have voted for Barack Obama in the primaries and will vote for either Democratic nominee in the general election. If Barack is the nominee -I will vote for him. If Clinton is the nominee - my vote will be against McCain in the stead of a vote for Clinton. McCain lost me forever with his 100 years war proclamation. That’s seems like a good legacy to yearn for, 100 years of death and destruction. At this point I would vote for McDreamy or McSteamy before I would even consideer voting for McCain.
I am growing tired of Hilary Clinton’s Ku Klux Kampaign.
Hilary Clinton and her campaign are disabling the Democratic Party. Her mantra seems to be "if she’s is not the president then no democrat should be the president."
Geraldine Ferraro’s claims that Barack is lucky to be a black man fall on deaf ears in my neck of the woods. Barack is not the front runner because of his “blackness,” but Geraldine is trying to make Barack the front runner in spite of his “blackness.” Barack is finding success because he is a successful politician.
If black skin was such an asset, then why Barack; why not Colin Powell, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Harold Ford, Tiger Woods, Bill Cosby, or any other prominent black man in this country, what made Obama so lucky. Nothing, luck had nothing to do with it, neither did skin color. Political skill had everything to do with it. Mrs. Ferraro is attempting to make skin color a divisive issue. I am also getting tired of Geraldine calling the Obama campaign and the supporters of the Obama campaign racist and sexist. Senility may be setting in for Geraldine, but sexist and “reverse” racism were never issues until you began crying wolf. The person making the entire racket cannot then turn around and complain about the noise.
Side Note: I hate the term “reverse racism,” and one of my life goals is to eradicate that term from the lexicon. Racism is racism, whether it is against blacks, whites, browns, yellows, purples, and on and on. Racism isn’t defined as oppression of black people; it is oppression of a people based around their RACE. So when white people are being oppressed because of their skin color it is racism, not reverse racism. Ok, back to the point.
Hilary has spoken out of both sides of her mouth so much that the idiom “speaking out of both sides of your mouth” has been officially changed to “pulling a Hilary.”
“I am honored to be here with Barack Obama. I am absolutely honored” VS “Shame on you Barack, shame on you”
Obama is not qualified to be President VS But he can be my vice president…hmmmmm.
I have 35 years experience and am ready on day 1 VS America would benefit from a Co-Presidency, which includes Bill Clinton
I’m prepared, ready, and tested VS Why do I always get the first question and why is the media picking on me
I’m prepared, ready, and tested. I have the battle scars VS They’re picking on me because I’m a woman…because America’s enemies will surely go easy on you.
Obama received $250,000 from a Rezko fundraiser (which was later donated to charity), paid market value for land, and released on documents pertaining to these issues VS I’m not going to talk about the $850,000 I received from Norman Hsu or the ponzai scheme. I am not going to speak about Peter Paul or his 2 million dollar contribution. I am not going to release my tax forms. Oh yeah there is that whole Whitewater thing.
I have been involved in International peace talks while I was 1st lady…So you were at the table in the peace talks in Northern Ireland?…No but I played an important role. What did you wish away the violence, oh yay for the magical Hilary Clinton! Mrs. Clinton has also “misremembered” parts of her sniper fire filled Bosnia mission. If she is embellishing the landing of a plane, what else is she embellishing? By the way “embellish” is just a nicer way of saying “lie,” she LIED. Good.
I support the war and vote in full confidence to authorize the use of force VS I really didn’t agree with it at the time but now I really regret my vote
I support NAFTA VS I never really supported NAFTA
I attack NAFTA in Michigan and Ohio, but not in Texas (because it helped Texas).
Why would Obama associate with an admitted terrorist like William Ayers” (the two served on a Chicago area poverty board; Ayers is a respected professor at the Univ. of Chicago). VS Bill Clinton pardoned a member of the Weather Underground (which Ayers was a member of). Bill Clinton - at the behest of Hillary Clinton to gain Hispanic support for her NY Senate campaign - pardoned members of the FALN terrorist group. This group killed numerous people including law enforcement representatives. This presidential pardon was widely condemned by both parties in both houses.
Obama’s dirt as of now appears to be an excitable preacher, paying fair market value for property from a guy that would later be indicted, and helping poor people with a guy that was a 1960’s radical while in college.
Lastly, Experience. It is not the number of years you have served; it is the amount of service in your years. Obama has introduced hundreds of important pieces of legislation; many of them have been signed into law. He’s done more in a year at the Senate than Clinton has introduced in her career.
I am really tired of the Clinton machine. I was neutral to them at the start of the race, but there dirty politics have downright sickened me.
Illegal Flirts
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (AP) - Saudi Arabia began interrogating 57 men Saturday who were arrested after allegedly flirting with women in front of a shopping mall in the holy city of Mecca, a local newspaper reported.
The country's religious police arrested the men Thursday night, alleging behavior that included dancing to pop music blaring from their cars and wearing improper clothing, according to the Okaz newspaper, which is deemed close to the government.
The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice runs the religious police, who are charged with enforcing Saudi Arabia's strict Islamic lifestyle.
I am sure some women wish men in this country could be arrested for flirting. By the way we have pictures of some of the men arrested, they were actually from Jersey.
The country's religious police arrested the men Thursday night, alleging behavior that included dancing to pop music blaring from their cars and wearing improper clothing, according to the Okaz newspaper, which is deemed close to the government.
The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice runs the religious police, who are charged with enforcing Saudi Arabia's strict Islamic lifestyle.
I am sure some women wish men in this country could be arrested for flirting. By the way we have pictures of some of the men arrested, they were actually from Jersey.
The worst 4 lines they used were ( this is a blatant attempt by me to publicize lines that I hate, but have also tried out) :
- Nice Shoes....Wanna Fuck
- Its very strange, but you look just like my mother
- Do you feel like regretting something tomorrow
- Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money
Strange Bed Fellows
Sooooooooo the "Crazy Preacher" was also buddies with Bill Clinton, I guess he really was the first "black president."
True Story
This is why I will never get married....sorry ladies.
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The strangest part of this video is that I found myself attracted to the female stick figure...I really need some counseling.
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Democracy Is Dead
A democratic government, which is what we supposedly have in this country, is one in which the supreme power lies within the will of the people. Democratic literally means "Ruled By The People." Demos=People and Kratos=Rule; hence Democratic, The People Rule. This video is a clear indicator that democracy is dead. Dick Cheney, the Vice President, took this vow as he was sworn into the office he has now desecrated:
I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter
I am going out on a limb, a short one, and proclaiming that this vow is meaningless, as meaningless as the war we are currently entrenched in.
I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter
I am going out on a limb, a short one, and proclaiming that this vow is meaningless, as meaningless as the war we are currently entrenched in.
DMX....Retard?
This is from a recent DMX interview about his upcoming "album." Ummmmm I thought the grown man barking thing was cute, when I was in the 3rd grade but now I have matured and he is still barking. He claims to have zero knowledge of Barack Obama.....zero knowledge of the man that may be the next president. His citizenship should be rescinded....what a fucking moron. The most heated political debate in decades and he is not aware....prbably working on his barking. Here is this prized interview.
Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.
You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!
Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!
Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?
Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?
Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.
You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.
I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.
So you’re not following the race. You don’t vote right?
Nope.
Is that why you’re not following it?
No, because it’s just—it doesn’t matter. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. It doesn’t really make a difference. These are the last years.
But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge.
I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that shit a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the fuckin’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done fucked this shit up then give it to the Black people, “Here you take it. Take my mess.”
Right, exactly.
It’s all a fuckin’ setup. It’s all a setup. All fuckin’ bullshit. All bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about none of that.
We could have a female president also, Hillary Clinton.
I mean, either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. No one person is directly affected by which president, you know, so what does it matter.
Yeah, but the country is.
I guess. The president is a puppet anyway. The president don’t make no damn decisions.
The president…they don’t have that much authority basically?
Nah, never.
But Bush pretty much…
You think Bush is making fuckin’ decisions?
He did, yeah, he fucked up the country.
He act like he making decisions. He could barely speak! He could barely fuckin’ speak!
Can’t be serious. He ain’t making no damn decisions.
Well Barack has a good chance of winning so that might be something.
Good for him, good for him.
Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.
You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.His name is Barack?!
Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!
Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?
Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?
Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.
You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.
I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.
So you’re not following the race. You don’t vote right?
Nope.
Is that why you’re not following it?
No, because it’s just—it doesn’t matter. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. It doesn’t really make a difference. These are the last years.
But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge.
I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that shit a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the fuckin’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done fucked this shit up then give it to the Black people, “Here you take it. Take my mess.”
Right, exactly.
It’s all a fuckin’ setup. It’s all a setup. All fuckin’ bullshit. All bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about none of that.
We could have a female president also, Hillary Clinton.
I mean, either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. No one person is directly affected by which president, you know, so what does it matter.
Yeah, but the country is.
I guess. The president is a puppet anyway. The president don’t make no damn decisions.
The president…they don’t have that much authority basically?
Nah, never.
But Bush pretty much…
You think Bush is making fuckin’ decisions?
He did, yeah, he fucked up the country.
He act like he making decisions. He could barely speak! He could barely fuckin’ speak!
Can’t be serious. He ain’t making no damn decisions.
Well Barack has a good chance of winning so that might be something.
Good for him, good for him.
Paulie Shore....Oppressed?
Wow, this "natural born comic" is not funny at all...actually. Good thing I am race-less or I may be offended.
Fuckin Nuts
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
This is fuckin nuts.............................or.........................Tihs is fikcun ntus.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
This is fuckin nuts.............................or.........................Tihs is fikcun ntus.
Loose Lips
Yo, yo, you, what’s goin down mofo’s? This entry will reiterate the fact that I am a moron whose moronic level puts all others moronic levels to shame with its utter moronic-ness.
Remember Elvira? Come on readers, all 8 of you….the booty call that I suspected of trying to get pregnant with my sperm. Well she is not, I was suspicious and I was wrong. The bad part is that my suspicions ruined perfectly good sex for me.
She is super liberal- she is so liberal she doesn’t just believe in stem cell research and gay marriage, but she believes in gay stem cell research…I know, wild. So it wouldn’t surprise me if she wanted to raise a child on her own, but I didn’t want it to be my child. I thought she was trying to steal my sperm without my knowledge so I brought it up.
“Hey Elvira- are you trying to steal my sperm to get pregnant”
Once I recovered from the backhand she gave me….I wish that was a joke, but she does Tai Bo to stay in shape, damn you Billy Blanks.
“Why do you keep bringing up your need for a child…kinda freakin me out”
Then she lambasted me. She called me arrogant-check. She called me a selfish piece of shit-check. Then she told me that the sex was over because I didn’t deserve it- fuck- uncheck uncheck.
She told me that the baby subject kept coming up because she found out she is barren, awwww poor girl. Then she told me that she would never carry my seed. Even if my sperm were the last swimmies alive and she had the one and only Fertile Crescent in the world, and the fate of man-kind itself depended on our mating- she would nnnnnnnnnnnnnever carry my spawn.
Alright Elvira, we get it, thanks for the emasculation.
I was hoping that the subject would now dissipate, that we could just move one to the loveless sex that defined our relationship.
But she began to dump me. She began to dump me and these perfectly sculpted high cheekbones of mine. Not good times.
I instantly began the 5 stages of grief.
Denial
Hey, you will never find a fuck like me, I am perfect, we have sex, we never make eye contact, I am afraid of you, I don’t sweat too much, and when you hit me during sex I rarely cry. There is no way you could replace me.
Anger
What the fuck was I supposed to think, you are 35 and keep talking about children. I am 25 and a stud in so many ways, what the hell was I supposed to think. You pushed me, this is sooooo your fault. If you weren’t such an imposing agent of the devil I would raise my voice.
Bargaining
Hey I’m joking around, baby….come on…lets go to bed…..I’ll do that thing you like…..you know the thing I never do, what’s that, yeah that thing…hmmmmm
Depression
I am going to have to renew my Penthouse subscription, this sucks balls. How could I have ruined a prefect booty call…the perfect booty call? She is the quintessential fuck buddy, heavy on the fuck and light on the buddy.
Acceptance
I have not accepted it yet. My booty call dumped me. It was just a fuck; seriously, just a fuck but I miss it. I regret fucking up my fuck. How could I be so arrogant about my semen, I’m not even sure they work, but I thought this evil woman wanted them to create a child to carry on her demonic ways….ahhhhhhhhhh.
Loose lips sinks ships, and my loose lips sunk mine. I have lost my guaranteed sex, she is back in her condo along the river Styxx and I home with a Penthouse in my left, my dick in my right, and a tear in my eye.
Remember Elvira? Come on readers, all 8 of you….the booty call that I suspected of trying to get pregnant with my sperm. Well she is not, I was suspicious and I was wrong. The bad part is that my suspicions ruined perfectly good sex for me.
She is super liberal- she is so liberal she doesn’t just believe in stem cell research and gay marriage, but she believes in gay stem cell research…I know, wild. So it wouldn’t surprise me if she wanted to raise a child on her own, but I didn’t want it to be my child. I thought she was trying to steal my sperm without my knowledge so I brought it up.
“Hey Elvira- are you trying to steal my sperm to get pregnant”
Once I recovered from the backhand she gave me….I wish that was a joke, but she does Tai Bo to stay in shape, damn you Billy Blanks.
“Why do you keep bringing up your need for a child…kinda freakin me out”
Then she lambasted me. She called me arrogant-check. She called me a selfish piece of shit-check. Then she told me that the sex was over because I didn’t deserve it- fuck- uncheck uncheck.
She told me that the baby subject kept coming up because she found out she is barren, awwww poor girl. Then she told me that she would never carry my seed. Even if my sperm were the last swimmies alive and she had the one and only Fertile Crescent in the world, and the fate of man-kind itself depended on our mating- she would nnnnnnnnnnnnnever carry my spawn.
Alright Elvira, we get it, thanks for the emasculation.
I was hoping that the subject would now dissipate, that we could just move one to the loveless sex that defined our relationship.
But she began to dump me. She began to dump me and these perfectly sculpted high cheekbones of mine. Not good times.
I instantly began the 5 stages of grief.
Denial
Hey, you will never find a fuck like me, I am perfect, we have sex, we never make eye contact, I am afraid of you, I don’t sweat too much, and when you hit me during sex I rarely cry. There is no way you could replace me.
Anger
What the fuck was I supposed to think, you are 35 and keep talking about children. I am 25 and a stud in so many ways, what the hell was I supposed to think. You pushed me, this is sooooo your fault. If you weren’t such an imposing agent of the devil I would raise my voice.
Bargaining
Hey I’m joking around, baby….come on…lets go to bed…..I’ll do that thing you like…..you know the thing I never do, what’s that, yeah that thing…hmmmmm
Depression
I am going to have to renew my Penthouse subscription, this sucks balls. How could I have ruined a prefect booty call…the perfect booty call? She is the quintessential fuck buddy, heavy on the fuck and light on the buddy.
Acceptance
I have not accepted it yet. My booty call dumped me. It was just a fuck; seriously, just a fuck but I miss it. I regret fucking up my fuck. How could I be so arrogant about my semen, I’m not even sure they work, but I thought this evil woman wanted them to create a child to carry on her demonic ways….ahhhhhhhhhh.
Loose lips sinks ships, and my loose lips sunk mine. I have lost my guaranteed sex, she is back in her condo along the river Styxx and I home with a Penthouse in my left, my dick in my right, and a tear in my eye.
Bubble Rap
Its amazing how child like we can all become when in the presence of certain things. I have a story that will bring credence to my opening sentence...ready...wait for it...waaiiiit for it...here we go.
I was at the gym yesterday playing basketball with a couple of friends. We had just finished and as I walked out of the arena I found a sheet of unused bubble rap at my feet. I looked around to make sure no one was looking at me and also to make sure no one was laying claim to my new found gift. I picked up the bubble rap and pop....pop....pop, oh my god, this was as satisfying as masturbation. Each individual pop was a mini orgasm. Pop- oh yes...Pop....that's the spot ....Pop-say my name...Pop-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Bubble rap, squirt guns, and silly puddy instantly kid-ify me.
As i left the gym I stopped at the front desk to by a bottle of water and the gentleman working the counter asked me for the bubble rap.
HELL NO MOFO
Then he asked me for a piece......I really did not want to, but we all must pay it forward...right?
So I ripped of a piece of my treasured bubble rap and he proclaimed, and I quote-
"Now I can have fun"
Yes you can, friend....yes you can.
Black is the New President, Bitch
I do realize that as of late I have posted more videos than columns. I know that every single one of the 8 people that read the crap that I write enjoy my words. I am not trying to ween you off of my writing or "mailing it in" with videos in lieu of columns, but I am running this page as it were something I would want to visit every day. I put columns and feeling and videos and pictures that interest me; if it does the same for you than c'est la vie, and if not then maybe the next post will.
I am posting this video because Tracy Morgan says what I wish I had thought of. His proclamation is the new "Yes We Can," or at least the new "Bitch is the New Black."
Tracy Morgan is one of the funniest people alive, or ever along with Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) and Norm Macdonald (there are many others, but those are in my top 10-15.)
Enjoy
I am posting this video because Tracy Morgan says what I wish I had thought of. His proclamation is the new "Yes We Can," or at least the new "Bitch is the New Black."
Tracy Morgan is one of the funniest people alive, or ever along with Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) and Norm Macdonald (there are many others, but those are in my top 10-15.)
Enjoy
My New Crush
Amy Walker, the hottie schizophrenic has ruined me. I am in love with all 21 of her personalities. If I sleep with her I can check so many cultures off of the "Cultures I Need To Sleep With List." This list basically includes one woman from every country in the world, original I know.
I could also check "Orgy" off of the list of sexual accomplishments, since she is 21 different people.
By the way I would never actually have an orgy, I can barely focus my energy on one girl let alone an amount of girls worthy of an orgy.
I could also check "Orgy" off of the list of sexual accomplishments, since she is 21 different people.
By the way I would never actually have an orgy, I can barely focus my energy on one girl let alone an amount of girls worthy of an orgy.
My New Wingman
This kid is the biggest little stud in the world. I want him to roll to the club with me one day, I would pull every girl in the world with this guy.
There has to be some company in this world of endless S-corps, LLC's, or INC.'s that specializes in renting cute kids for the use of picking up attractive suitors.
I am considering just having a child for the ladies he will draw to me.
There has to be some company in this world of endless S-corps, LLC's, or INC.'s that specializes in renting cute kids for the use of picking up attractive suitors.
I am considering just having a child for the ladies he will draw to me.
Bashing Back
This is not the subject matter I usually write about. I am a writer that writes about random subjects at random times throughout the day. I write about my life and my opinions. I avoid throwing stones because my house has many windows; but I have a stone in my hand now.
We are our brother’s keeper, whether that brother is Gay, Black, Hispanic, Man, Woman, Arab, Christian, Jew, Mormon, or any other incarnation of the human spirit. I believe that a witness to a murder has blood on his hands by way of inaction; well we are all witnesses now, it is time to act. We have witnessed hate and vitriol spew from the mouth of a leader, the mouth of a woman whose job is to represent Oklahoma in the most positive and unifying manner possible. Well because of Mrs. Kern - District 84 of Oklahoma is now known as a prejudice district that shits on the lives of individuals that have done no wrong.
E Pluribus Unum- out of many, one- well District 84, that one is not one of us. That one has hate in her heart and power in her hands. Hitler was elected and he mongered hatred without castigation. It is our responsibility to come to the defense of our gay and lesbian siblings. Prejudice starts small and grows, if left untouched hate festers and contaminates, if left alone hate overtakes and kills. The weight that crushed the bigotry of Don Imus, Michael Richards, and Mel Gibson must come down on Kern. She is more than a celebrity, more than a radio host; she is a leader in these United States. She is a leader that must be dethroned and reprimanded. As a writer I am a proponent of free speech and free thought but as Oliver Wendell Holmes stated, “The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.” Sally Kern has just punched all of us in the nose, do we have the bravery to react, the bravery to stand up for what is right.
Representative Sally Kern’s words will not be forgotten and must not be forgiven.
“I honestly think it’s the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or -Islam-” Sally Kern
I don’t recall a group of crazed homosexuals hijacking planes on September 11. I don’t recall a group of homosexuals blowing up the Oklahoma City federal building and ending 168 lives. The thinly veiled hatred against Islam is not unnoticed either Mr. Kern. Hatred propagates hatred.
“Studies show, no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted for more than, you know, a few decades” Sally Kern
Really Mrs. Kern, really….Hitler had the same proclamation regarding Jews and the KKK used this same rhetoric regarding African-Americans. Men used the same hate speech trying to quell the suffrage movement. Hatred had to be overcome for Mrs. Kern to become a State Rep. As you rise you must pull up, not step on the throats of your fellow citizens, Mrs. Kern.
“It's, it's, it's not a lifestyle that is good for this nation” Sally Kern
Hatred is not a lifestyle that is good for this nation.
“And this, this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading and it will destroy uh our young people, it will destroy this nation” Sally Kern
Hatred destroys nations. Homosexuality is deadly? Mrs. Kern you are such a misguided and damaged individual- I have no words that will accurately convey my feelings of frustration over these malicious statements.
Mrs. Kern uses the Bible as a defense of her hatred, to proselytize her malice. OK, that is fine Mrs. Kern, but Hitler followed the same tactic.
“Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: 'by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.” Adolf Hitler
We have a responsibility to stand united. This is not a political issue. This is not a republican or democratic issue. This is a humanitarian issue. We must remember the name and face of Mathew Shepard. We must remember the name and face of Emmitt Till. We must remember the name and face of Anne Frank. We must remember that these three lives and countless others were lost because of hate, a hate that started out with words and became action. We must remember that backing down to hatred leads to loss of freedom, liberty, and life.
Representative Kern has the right to believe and say anything she wants, just as I do to lament her actions. But she does not have the right to propagate her hatred while employed by the citizens of this country to carry out their best interests. We must speak up; we must write and make our voices heard. We must make sure that the GLBT community knows they are not alone in their struggle. If we don’t we may be the next targets of Mrs. Kern. I urge you to write to Mrs. Kern, in a peaceful manner. Inform her that her words hurt, that her words are untrue, that her hate has not gone unnoticed, and that these wounds will not heal through time.
I am not gay. I am a straight man that understands his responsibility to come to the aide of his fellow man or woman, regardless of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation. I am a promoter of unity, freedom, and equality. I am an American that understands what America stands for. I am an American that understands that Mrs. Kern does not represent me, or the America I love.
Representative Sally Kern’s contact information as reported on the OK State House Website:
(405) 557-7348
sallykern@okhouse.gov
2713 Sterling Ave.,
Oklahoma City, OK 73127
We are our brother’s keeper, whether that brother is Gay, Black, Hispanic, Man, Woman, Arab, Christian, Jew, Mormon, or any other incarnation of the human spirit. I believe that a witness to a murder has blood on his hands by way of inaction; well we are all witnesses now, it is time to act. We have witnessed hate and vitriol spew from the mouth of a leader, the mouth of a woman whose job is to represent Oklahoma in the most positive and unifying manner possible. Well because of Mrs. Kern - District 84 of Oklahoma is now known as a prejudice district that shits on the lives of individuals that have done no wrong.
E Pluribus Unum- out of many, one- well District 84, that one is not one of us. That one has hate in her heart and power in her hands. Hitler was elected and he mongered hatred without castigation. It is our responsibility to come to the defense of our gay and lesbian siblings. Prejudice starts small and grows, if left untouched hate festers and contaminates, if left alone hate overtakes and kills. The weight that crushed the bigotry of Don Imus, Michael Richards, and Mel Gibson must come down on Kern. She is more than a celebrity, more than a radio host; she is a leader in these United States. She is a leader that must be dethroned and reprimanded. As a writer I am a proponent of free speech and free thought but as Oliver Wendell Holmes stated, “The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.” Sally Kern has just punched all of us in the nose, do we have the bravery to react, the bravery to stand up for what is right.
Representative Sally Kern’s words will not be forgotten and must not be forgiven.
“I honestly think it’s the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or -Islam-” Sally Kern
I don’t recall a group of crazed homosexuals hijacking planes on September 11. I don’t recall a group of homosexuals blowing up the Oklahoma City federal building and ending 168 lives. The thinly veiled hatred against Islam is not unnoticed either Mr. Kern. Hatred propagates hatred.
“Studies show, no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted for more than, you know, a few decades” Sally Kern
Really Mrs. Kern, really….Hitler had the same proclamation regarding Jews and the KKK used this same rhetoric regarding African-Americans. Men used the same hate speech trying to quell the suffrage movement. Hatred had to be overcome for Mrs. Kern to become a State Rep. As you rise you must pull up, not step on the throats of your fellow citizens, Mrs. Kern.
“It's, it's, it's not a lifestyle that is good for this nation” Sally Kern
Hatred is not a lifestyle that is good for this nation.
“And this, this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading and it will destroy uh our young people, it will destroy this nation” Sally Kern
Hatred destroys nations. Homosexuality is deadly? Mrs. Kern you are such a misguided and damaged individual- I have no words that will accurately convey my feelings of frustration over these malicious statements.
Mrs. Kern uses the Bible as a defense of her hatred, to proselytize her malice. OK, that is fine Mrs. Kern, but Hitler followed the same tactic.
“Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: 'by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.” Adolf Hitler
We have a responsibility to stand united. This is not a political issue. This is not a republican or democratic issue. This is a humanitarian issue. We must remember the name and face of Mathew Shepard. We must remember the name and face of Emmitt Till. We must remember the name and face of Anne Frank. We must remember that these three lives and countless others were lost because of hate, a hate that started out with words and became action. We must remember that backing down to hatred leads to loss of freedom, liberty, and life.
Representative Kern has the right to believe and say anything she wants, just as I do to lament her actions. But she does not have the right to propagate her hatred while employed by the citizens of this country to carry out their best interests. We must speak up; we must write and make our voices heard. We must make sure that the GLBT community knows they are not alone in their struggle. If we don’t we may be the next targets of Mrs. Kern. I urge you to write to Mrs. Kern, in a peaceful manner. Inform her that her words hurt, that her words are untrue, that her hate has not gone unnoticed, and that these wounds will not heal through time.
I am not gay. I am a straight man that understands his responsibility to come to the aide of his fellow man or woman, regardless of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation. I am a promoter of unity, freedom, and equality. I am an American that understands what America stands for. I am an American that understands that Mrs. Kern does not represent me, or the America I love.
Representative Sally Kern’s contact information as reported on the OK State House Website:
(405) 557-7348
sallykern@okhouse.gov
2713 Sterling Ave.,
Oklahoma City, OK 73127
Monkey on my Back
I have a huge monkey on my back. It stems from my lack of musical talent. When I was in 7th and 8th grade I was a violin whiz, and then inexplicably I quit, and washed my dreams of opening up for Michael Buble down the drain. Since I am devoid of such skill I seek out new musical acts like Republicans seek out gay sex scandals. I invest my heart in unknown musical acts hoping that they strike it big, and in turn I vicariously strike it big, because I can then lay claim to the fact that "I knew them first." The dark side of such devotion is that when they get too big I turn my back on them, they are now far too popular for me, it isn't chic anymore. The romance is dead.
I was in the process of Youtubing a couple of bands and came across an unknown drummer. My day was saved and I was transfixed by the greatest drummer since John Bonham (look him up bitches). This video is my new saving grace. It hurts my heart by creating an inordinate amount of jealousy. Why am I not as good as this gorilla.
I was in the process of Youtubing a couple of bands and came across an unknown drummer. My day was saved and I was transfixed by the greatest drummer since John Bonham (look him up bitches). This video is my new saving grace. It hurts my heart by creating an inordinate amount of jealousy. Why am I not as good as this gorilla.
Dance Dance Evolution
About 6 or 7 years ago I made a mistake. My friends and I performed the NSync Bye Bye Bye dance in public.
I need to qualify this layer of my life's story, so here goes. My 3 friends and I performed at a Locks For Love event as the greatest boy band of all time. We performed the dance- which brought the house down by the way- and then we shaved our heads for wigs to be used by cancer patients.
I am not embarrassed by that in the least bit- this is where the embarrassment starts. Three weeks later my friends and I were at a club and the girls we were with asked us to do the dance. Our performance was legendary, amiable, and charming- in the context of the cancer research fundraiser. In some random dance club in California we were outcasts and had our sexuality questioned multiple times. Even though our rendition was pretty on point, we were miles away from competing for a spot on "So You Think You Can Dance."
I bring this up because I came across this video of four friends- that can actually dance and should perform this dance in every club in the country.
Bye- Bye- Bye !
I need to qualify this layer of my life's story, so here goes. My 3 friends and I performed at a Locks For Love event as the greatest boy band of all time. We performed the dance- which brought the house down by the way- and then we shaved our heads for wigs to be used by cancer patients.
I am not embarrassed by that in the least bit- this is where the embarrassment starts. Three weeks later my friends and I were at a club and the girls we were with asked us to do the dance. Our performance was legendary, amiable, and charming- in the context of the cancer research fundraiser. In some random dance club in California we were outcasts and had our sexuality questioned multiple times. Even though our rendition was pretty on point, we were miles away from competing for a spot on "So You Think You Can Dance."
I bring this up because I came across this video of four friends- that can actually dance and should perform this dance in every club in the country.
Bye- Bye- Bye !
Thoughtless Thoughts On A Saturday
I believe in laziness. I believe insurance should pay for my use of a motorized scooter because of said laziness. I believe women should not be allowed to breast feed in public unless I am then allowed to throw dollar bills at them without becoming a social pariah. I believe in Mitch Hedberg. I believe in Bono. I believe Einstein should have a national holiday. I believe Edgar Allen Poe was secretly happy. I believe Martin Luther King should never be forgotten. I believe Mr. Rogers should be celebrated. I believe that all of Brad Pitt’s new girlfriends have been upgrades over the previous ones. I believe I would happily take his leftovers. Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. I believe in laughter. I believe if I had a million dollars I would be rich. Money doesn’t buy happiness…that is just an excuse for poor people to stay poor. When a product’s sales are very high they are always described as “selling like hotcakes,” well then why don’t people open up hot cake stores, they would be raking in the dollars because if anything is going to sell like hotcakes, it’s probably going to be hotcakes. I believe that Andy Dick and Kathy Griffin are the same person, the same obnoxious unfunny person.
I believe that if online music file sharing is illegal then reading a book at Barnes and Noble without buying it is also illegal. I believe that free food should not count against any diet. Ejaculate is not a term specific to sex, it has multiple meanings. According to Webster’s ejaculate can mean to eject or discharge abruptly, especially to discharge (semen) in orgasm or it can mean to utter suddenly and passionately; exclaim, so I want ejaculate to become a normal everyday term, I want the word ejaculate to ejaculate from the mouths of everyone. I am not a proponent of legalizing marijuana, but all my friends say that my writing is funnier when they are stoned, so I guess we should legalize pot. Speaking of marijuana, I think driving a car while rolling a joint with children in the backseat should be an Olympic event; and if it were my father would win gold. Stevie Wonder is the greatest male singer of all time. Since Brittany Spears is “trailer trash,” is a single mom with two kids, is twice divorced, and doesn’t own any underwear; does that make her a country singer? I wish I was rich enough to hire a midget to follow me around with a stereo providing my life a soundtrack. Last night my friend came over and said this exact sentence; “last night at Hooters I ate so many wings it wasn’t even funny.” This statement led me to the conclusion that there is an amount of wings that is funny, like 22 wings are funny but 23 wings are not; I don’t understand this saying, is there a specific number when things become funny?, and then in turn, at what point do they lose there humor? I am ashamed to say that this problem keeps my up at night. I think that Jared from subway is well past his allotted 15 minutes, and frankly I am getting upset. Michael Jackson is innocent. He invented the moonwalk; until one of those accusers invents a dance I can’t do I am supporting Mr. Jackson.
I wish Meg Ryan was still hot. I believe in writing, from the mundane (this crap) to the epic, like Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac. I believe that too much of a good thing is still a good thing. I believe nobody “plays hard to get,” that is just an excuse for ugly people. I believe that a majority of music on the radio makes my ears bleed. Ernest Hemingway is overrated, there I finally said it. I have a lot of opinions on Suge Knight, but I am legitimately afraid to write any of them down, and coincidentally I am kind of regretting writing his name down at all. I believe we will never see another Tom Brady, Tom Cruise, or Tom Jones. When did Al Pacino become Ralph Cramden? That joke may be too old for some of you but if you get it then it is funny as hell. I hate when people sing the instrumental parts to songs, reread that last sentence to appreciate how much stupidity that action entails. I am drunk. I like grilled cheese and ramen noodles, mainly because that’s all I can afford. My ex-girlfriend, who happened to be Italian, hated Godfather I and Godfather II, so I dumped her. Lalalalalalalalalalalalala, I just wanted to see how that looked in print. I believe in sport. I believe that taking two Tylenol pm’s and trying to stay awake is not a fun game. Am I the only who hopes that Kanye West performs during the White House Christmas party?
I have so many opinions that make so much sense they have become senseless.
I believe that if online music file sharing is illegal then reading a book at Barnes and Noble without buying it is also illegal. I believe that free food should not count against any diet. Ejaculate is not a term specific to sex, it has multiple meanings. According to Webster’s ejaculate can mean to eject or discharge abruptly, especially to discharge (semen) in orgasm or it can mean to utter suddenly and passionately; exclaim, so I want ejaculate to become a normal everyday term, I want the word ejaculate to ejaculate from the mouths of everyone. I am not a proponent of legalizing marijuana, but all my friends say that my writing is funnier when they are stoned, so I guess we should legalize pot. Speaking of marijuana, I think driving a car while rolling a joint with children in the backseat should be an Olympic event; and if it were my father would win gold. Stevie Wonder is the greatest male singer of all time. Since Brittany Spears is “trailer trash,” is a single mom with two kids, is twice divorced, and doesn’t own any underwear; does that make her a country singer? I wish I was rich enough to hire a midget to follow me around with a stereo providing my life a soundtrack. Last night my friend came over and said this exact sentence; “last night at Hooters I ate so many wings it wasn’t even funny.” This statement led me to the conclusion that there is an amount of wings that is funny, like 22 wings are funny but 23 wings are not; I don’t understand this saying, is there a specific number when things become funny?, and then in turn, at what point do they lose there humor? I am ashamed to say that this problem keeps my up at night. I think that Jared from subway is well past his allotted 15 minutes, and frankly I am getting upset. Michael Jackson is innocent. He invented the moonwalk; until one of those accusers invents a dance I can’t do I am supporting Mr. Jackson.
I wish Meg Ryan was still hot. I believe in writing, from the mundane (this crap) to the epic, like Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac. I believe that too much of a good thing is still a good thing. I believe nobody “plays hard to get,” that is just an excuse for ugly people. I believe that a majority of music on the radio makes my ears bleed. Ernest Hemingway is overrated, there I finally said it. I have a lot of opinions on Suge Knight, but I am legitimately afraid to write any of them down, and coincidentally I am kind of regretting writing his name down at all. I believe we will never see another Tom Brady, Tom Cruise, or Tom Jones. When did Al Pacino become Ralph Cramden? That joke may be too old for some of you but if you get it then it is funny as hell. I hate when people sing the instrumental parts to songs, reread that last sentence to appreciate how much stupidity that action entails. I am drunk. I like grilled cheese and ramen noodles, mainly because that’s all I can afford. My ex-girlfriend, who happened to be Italian, hated Godfather I and Godfather II, so I dumped her. Lalalalalalalalalalalalala, I just wanted to see how that looked in print. I believe in sport. I believe that taking two Tylenol pm’s and trying to stay awake is not a fun game. Am I the only who hopes that Kanye West performs during the White House Christmas party?
I have so many opinions that make so much sense they have become senseless.
King Dong
I am very secure as it relates to the size and weight of my member. But this video put my dick in its rightful place in the penis circle of life. I have always heard jokes about an elephant's cock, but I have never actually seen one in all its magnificent glory. I will share this incredible image with you because I am a giving individual. So feast your eyes on this beast.
PS. That is not me in the video, ok!!!!!!
PS. That is not me in the video, ok!!!!!!
Presidential Movie
My comrades and I were debating who would play the presidential candidates in a movie about the 2008 election. Soooooo since I am the authority of pointless ass shit I decided to hammer away at IMDB and Google Images in an attempt to figure out who would play the Washington players. I have spent an inordinate amount of time on this task; I have considered the similarity in looks between the actors and the candidates, but also the acting prowess of our performers, and the marketability of the potential movie. This task saved me from the widespread torpor created by my job.
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Sean Penn
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John McCain is nearly dead so why not have an actor most people think is dead play him- Paul Newman. Paul Newman is a man's man and McCain's heroism puts most men to shame- so why not. Plus if Newman gets this role I may be able to get some of his dressing for free- I love that shit.
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Cindy McCain
The ultimate stepford wife Cindy "Plastic Face" McCain will be played by Morgan "Plasticker Face" Fairchild. We could even throw in a raunchy love scene to expose Morgan's breasts- because Cindy seems like a low down freak in that sheets.
I think that Jon Edwards will be the Vice President so why not have him in the movie. Zach Braff will portray Mr. Edwards. Zach played a doctor on Scrubs and Jon sued the crap out of every doctor in South Carolina. Jon Edwards has a great head of hair, and so does the Braff man. Neither man has a chin and they are both funny- Edwards is unintentionally funny, but still funny. Plus Zach Braff could pull double duty and direct the movie.
Barack Obama
Now we could go with the obvious Denzel or Will Smith casting decisions, but since Barack was a virtual unknown that has wowed the nation with his hunger I felt we needed a virtual unknown actor that will immerse himself into this role due to his hunger for super stardom. Harper Hill is Obama's doppelganger and he is an accomplished actor. Think Jamie Foxx pre-Ray. Why not have an intelligent man-Hill, that graduated magna cum laude from Brown University to play Mr. President of the Harvard Law Review-Barack Obama.
Harper Hill
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Michelle Obama
Now Mrs. Obama is a small supporting character in this movie so we will have a look a like that can moderately act, not a great actress that bares zero resembles to the future first lady-cross your fingers. Sanaa Lathan is the perfect actress to play the female Obama..damn am I good or what. I should run a studio...well anyways keep reading.
Now Mrs. Obama is a small supporting character in this movie so we will have a look a like that can moderately act, not a great actress that bares zero resembles to the future first lady-cross your fingers. Sanaa Lathan is the perfect actress to play the female Obama..damn am I good or what. I should run a studio...well anyways keep reading.
Sanaa Lathan
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Hillary Clinton
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Hillary Clinton hates her husband- a man, and Jodie Foster hates men- hmmmmm. Jodie Foster is a lesbian, and Hillary resembles a lesbian. Hillary has run the gamut of emotions on the campaign trail, so we will need an actress that can make the emotional transitions as seamless as possible.
Jodie Foster
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Bill Clinton
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Bill Clinton is larger than life. Sean Penn is larger than life. Sean Penn has already played a politician in "All The King's Men," so the pressure of a politico role will be alleviated. Sean Penn played a hippie stoner in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," and Clinton was a hippie stoner- in real life. I am smelling an Oscar for the Penn man.
Sean Penn
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Chelsea Clinton
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Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan will juxtapose her indiscriminate lifestyle with that of the humble and chaste Chelsea Clinton. Hollywood loves it when actors play a role completely against character so this may re-ignite Lindsay's flickering career. If it doesn't then it is one step closer to a Lindsay Lohan sex tape- woo hoo.
Lindsay Lohan will juxtapose her indiscriminate lifestyle with that of the humble and chaste Chelsea Clinton. Hollywood loves it when actors play a role completely against character so this may re-ignite Lindsay's flickering career. If it doesn't then it is one step closer to a Lindsay Lohan sex tape- woo hoo..
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John McCain
John McCain is nearly dead so why not have an actor most people think is dead play him- Paul Newman. Paul Newman is a man's man and McCain's heroism puts most men to shame- so why not. Plus if Newman gets this role I may be able to get some of his dressing for free- I love that shit.
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Paul Newman
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Cindy McCain
The ultimate stepford wife Cindy "Plastic Face" McCain will be played by Morgan "Plasticker Face" Fairchild. We could even throw in a raunchy love scene to expose Morgan's breasts- because Cindy seems like a low down freak in that sheets.
Morgan Fairchild
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Jon Edwards
I think that Jon Edwards will be the Vice President so why not have him in the movie. Zach Braff will portray Mr. Edwards. Zach played a doctor on Scrubs and Jon sued the crap out of every doctor in South Carolina. Jon Edwards has a great head of hair, and so does the Braff man. Neither man has a chin and they are both funny- Edwards is unintentionally funny, but still funny. Plus Zach Braff could pull double duty and direct the movie.
Zach Braff
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Georgia Bush
Georgia Bush will be played by the most underrated actor alive-Tommy Lee Jones. Tommy Lee Jones would make Bush far more likable than he actually is. But Tommy Lee would nail the part and nab a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work. Now if I could only get the Coen Brothers to write the script- because God knows I have zero talent as a writer.
Tommy Lee Jones
Casual Sax
This post may speak to my maturity, or lack there of. I was emailed a link to this song and it has now become a movement. This is the Barack Obama of songs. This song is musical marijuana- I can't help but laugh my ass off when this songs plays....and it also gives me the munchies.
Sorry
I really do apologize to the 8 people that read this drivel. I was out of town for work and could not write a word.
That is a lie...and I am sorry, I could have written a word but I was busy and lazy. My work trip was rather overwhelming but our drinks after our morning seminars were comped, and as you know I have a drinking problem.
Plus I just filled my Vicodin script so I was ready to go.
That is a lie...and I am sorry, I could have written a word but I was busy and lazy. My work trip was rather overwhelming but our drinks after our morning seminars were comped, and as you know I have a drinking problem.
Plus I just filled my Vicodin script so I was ready to go.
Just One More
Sorry, but here is one more "Dating on Demand" video that made me sooooo happy. This guy is why women become lesbians. I hate him so much that I love him. My words do not do justice to his performance. Peep this peeps.
Biggest Stud Ever
I have a new found addiction to "Dating on Demand," the videos are amazing. This video makes me appreciate...well...it makes me appreciate me so much. The part that amazes me is how he can be single. Retards get married, midgets get married, how can he not find a nerd chick to bone. Poor guy, maybe Stern will put him on and some porn star yearning for air time will blow him...we should all pray tonight for that scenario to play out.
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