Thoughtless Thoughts On A Saturday

I believe in laziness. I believe insurance should pay for my use of a motorized scooter because of said laziness. I believe women should not be allowed to breast feed in public unless I am then allowed to throw dollar bills at them without becoming a social pariah. I believe in Mitch Hedberg. I believe in Bono. I believe Einstein should have a national holiday. I believe Edgar Allen Poe was secretly happy. I believe Martin Luther King should never be forgotten. I believe Mr. Rogers should be celebrated. I believe that all of Brad Pitt’s new girlfriends have been upgrades over the previous ones. I believe I would happily take his leftovers. Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. I believe in laughter. I believe if I had a million dollars I would be rich. Money doesn’t buy happiness…that is just an excuse for poor people to stay poor. When a product’s sales are very high they are always described as “selling like hotcakes,” well then why don’t people open up hot cake stores, they would be raking in the dollars because if anything is going to sell like hotcakes, it’s probably going to be hotcakes. I believe that Andy Dick and Kathy Griffin are the same person, the same obnoxious unfunny person.



















I believe that if online music file sharing is illegal then reading a book at Barnes and Noble without buying it is also illegal. I believe that free food should not count against any diet. Ejaculate is not a term specific to sex, it has multiple meanings. According to Webster’s ejaculate can mean to eject or discharge abruptly, especially to discharge (semen) in orgasm or it can mean to utter suddenly and passionately; exclaim, so I want ejaculate to become a normal everyday term, I want the word ejaculate to ejaculate from the mouths of everyone. I am not a proponent of legalizing marijuana, but all my friends say that my writing is funnier when they are stoned, so I guess we should legalize pot. Speaking of marijuana, I think driving a car while rolling a joint with children in the backseat should be an Olympic event; and if it were my father would win gold. Stevie Wonder is the greatest male singer of all time. Since Brittany Spears is “trailer trash,” is a single mom with two kids, is twice divorced, and doesn’t own any underwear; does that make her a country singer? I wish I was rich enough to hire a midget to follow me around with a stereo providing my life a soundtrack. Last night my friend came over and said this exact sentence; “last night at Hooters I ate so many wings it wasn’t even funny.” This statement led me to the conclusion that there is an amount of wings that is funny, like 22 wings are funny but 23 wings are not; I don’t understand this saying, is there a specific number when things become funny?, and then in turn, at what point do they lose there humor? I am ashamed to say that this problem keeps my up at night. I think that Jared from subway is well past his allotted 15 minutes, and frankly I am getting upset. Michael Jackson is innocent. He invented the moonwalk; until one of those accusers invents a dance I can’t do I am supporting Mr. Jackson.


I wish Meg Ryan was still hot. I believe in writing, from the mundane (this crap) to the epic, like Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac. I believe that too much of a good thing is still a good thing. I believe nobody “plays hard to get,” that is just an excuse for ugly people. I believe that a majority of music on the radio makes my ears bleed. Ernest Hemingway is overrated, there I finally said it. I have a lot of opinions on Suge Knight, but I am legitimately afraid to write any of them down, and coincidentally I am kind of regretting writing his name down at all. I believe we will never see another Tom Brady, Tom Cruise, or Tom Jones. When did Al Pacino become Ralph Cramden? That joke may be too old for some of you but if you get it then it is funny as hell. I hate when people sing the instrumental parts to songs, reread that last sentence to appreciate how much stupidity that action entails. I am drunk. I like grilled cheese and ramen noodles, mainly because that’s all I can afford. My ex-girlfriend, who happened to be Italian, hated Godfather I and Godfather II, so I dumped her. Lalalalalalalalalalalalala, I just wanted to see how that looked in print. I believe in sport. I believe that taking two Tylenol pm’s and trying to stay awake is not a fun game. Am I the only who hopes that Kanye West performs during the White House Christmas party?



I have so many opinions that make so much sense they have become senseless.