Loose Lips

Yo, yo, you, what’s goin down mofo’s? This entry will reiterate the fact that I am a moron whose moronic level puts all others moronic levels to shame with its utter moronic-ness.

Remember Elvira? Come on readers, all 8 of you….the booty call that I suspected of trying to get pregnant with my sperm. Well she is not, I was suspicious and I was wrong. The bad part is that my suspicions ruined perfectly good sex for me.

She is super liberal- she is so liberal she doesn’t just believe in stem cell research and gay marriage, but she believes in gay stem cell research…I know, wild. So it wouldn’t surprise me if she wanted to raise a child on her own, but I didn’t want it to be my child. I thought she was trying to steal my sperm without my knowledge so I brought it up.

“Hey Elvira- are you trying to steal my sperm to get pregnant”

Once I recovered from the backhand she gave me….I wish that was a joke, but she does Tai Bo to stay in shape, damn you Billy Blanks.

“Why do you keep bringing up your need for a child…kinda freakin me out”

Then she lambasted me. She called me arrogant-check. She called me a selfish piece of shit-check. Then she told me that the sex was over because I didn’t deserve it- fuck- uncheck uncheck.

She told me that the baby subject kept coming up because she found out she is barren, awwww poor girl. Then she told me that she would never carry my seed. Even if my sperm were the last swimmies alive and she had the one and only Fertile Crescent in the world, and the fate of man-kind itself depended on our mating- she would nnnnnnnnnnnnnever carry my spawn.

Alright Elvira, we get it, thanks for the emasculation.

I was hoping that the subject would now dissipate, that we could just move one to the loveless sex that defined our relationship.

But she began to dump me. She began to dump me and these perfectly sculpted high cheekbones of mine. Not good times.

I instantly began the 5 stages of grief.

Denial
Hey, you will never find a fuck like me, I am perfect, we have sex, we never make eye contact, I am afraid of you, I don’t sweat too much, and when you hit me during sex I rarely cry. There is no way you could replace me.

Anger
What the fuck was I supposed to think, you are 35 and keep talking about children. I am 25 and a stud in so many ways, what the hell was I supposed to think. You pushed me, this is sooooo your fault. If you weren’t such an imposing agent of the devil I would raise my voice.

Bargaining
Hey I’m joking around, baby….come on…lets go to bed…..I’ll do that thing you like…..you know the thing I never do, what’s that, yeah that thing…hmmmmm

Depression
I am going to have to renew my Penthouse subscription, this sucks balls. How could I have ruined a prefect booty call…the perfect booty call? She is the quintessential fuck buddy, heavy on the fuck and light on the buddy.

Acceptance
I have not accepted it yet. My booty call dumped me. It was just a fuck; seriously, just a fuck but I miss it. I regret fucking up my fuck. How could I be so arrogant about my semen, I’m not even sure they work, but I thought this evil woman wanted them to create a child to carry on her demonic ways….ahhhhhhhhhh.

Loose lips sinks ships, and my loose lips sunk mine. I have lost my guaranteed sex, she is back in her condo along the river Styxx and I home with a Penthouse in my left, my dick in my right, and a tear in my eye.