My head is throbbing this morning. We (by we I mean a group of people I interact with that you will probably never meet) decided to have tropical drink night. We purchased an assortment of juices and cheap alcohol to mix into those juices. Way too much sugar. I have the headache of the year this morning and- I am sorry for this- but I am having serious diarrhea.My homey, Shredder, the impresario of this evening, has a girlfriend, kind of a biatch. She, Holy Whore, is a teacher of kids under the age of 8 which means she deals with everyone else as if they were under the age of 8. She speaks slowly and looks down at you, even though she is a shorty, plus she is a born again Christian, but before her rebirth she was an enormous slut, hmmmm, I can’t stand her, but I bite my tongue and keep our interactions as minimal as possible. Once again she is my buddy’s bitch so unless she’s commits an act so unholy that I must out her, I must like her, puke.
Hated person part deux, is this nam’by pam’by investment banker that shows up with his little Asian girlfriend, how chique. He uses predominantly bank-speak in an attempt to prove his superiority to others or at least to himself. I felt gregarious so I offered him my hand for a shake and asked how he was. He returned with this gem- “The general provisions of the bilateral investment agreements include the promotion and reciprocal protection of investments; nondiscrimination; the free transfer of capital, payments and earnings; freedom from expropriation and nationalization; and recognition of the principle of subrogation.” I really need to look up subrogation, what the eff. Ohh yeah his little Asian girlfriend was flirting with yours truly all night….give me an S, give me a L, give me a U, what does that spell, SLU, which is slang for slut, SLUT….SLUT…..SLUT…… She flirted with every guy at the shin-dig except for her banker boyfriend.
Break time because I have to poop.
Side Note:
I was going to use a random euphemism for poop, like dropping the kids off at the pool, but since everyone uses a euphemism for poop- Maybe the actual word poop is the most cutting edge way to reference it.
Ok I am back.
I was going to use a random euphemism for poop, like dropping the kids off at the pool, but since everyone uses a euphemism for poop- Maybe the actual word poop is the most cutting edge way to reference it.
Ok I am back.
Ok, just so we keep things straight I am going to finish introducing everyone to you with a complete rundown of the party’s attendees.
Shredder- My buddy and the host for the night’s festivities
Holy Whore- Shredder’s chubby hypocritical whore of a girlfriend that thinks everyone is one of her kindergarten students.
Bear Stearns- The pompous investment banker and doormat of a boyfriend
Asian Nation- She is Bear Stearns’ girlfriend, and his claim to relevance. She is huge low key slut by the way. Almost anyone with a dick and a heartbeat could hit it.
Leggy Blonde- Hot Leggy Blonde I met from the gym. I am probably going to nail her soon. She thinks I’m a catch. The only thing I need now is a lot of time with her or a lot of alcohol in her.
Albanian Ass- I hate this group of Albanians in my town and there was one stag Albane at this get together. He had a dress shirt on with 2 buttons fastened, a gold chain, greasy hair, and a smug look of arrogance even though his arrogance is completely unwarranted.
Shredder- My buddy and the host for the night’s festivities
Holy Whore- Shredder’s chubby hypocritical whore of a girlfriend that thinks everyone is one of her kindergarten students.
Bear Stearns- The pompous investment banker and doormat of a boyfriend
Asian Nation- She is Bear Stearns’ girlfriend, and his claim to relevance. She is huge low key slut by the way. Almost anyone with a dick and a heartbeat could hit it.
Leggy Blonde- Hot Leggy Blonde I met from the gym. I am probably going to nail her soon. She thinks I’m a catch. The only thing I need now is a lot of time with her or a lot of alcohol in her.
Albanian Ass- I hate this group of Albanians in my town and there was one stag Albane at this get together. He had a dress shirt on with 2 buttons fastened, a gold chain, greasy hair, and a smug look of arrogance even though his arrogance is completely unwarranted.Awww The Cute Couple- This couple just graduated from some University and they had just become engaged. They were cute but not overbearingly cute, like a kitten with one eye.
Nick and Nicole- Nicole was waayyyyyy too hot for Nick. Nick was a dweeb, I don’t get their relationship; he must be hung like a horse.
Highlights From the Night:
I drank way too much. I popped three vicodin and drank more.
I received hella praise over the hotness of Leggy Blonde. Shredder gave me a man hug over the hotness of Leggy Blonde. She asked why we man hugged and I told her it was due to her body of work- haha- that was a play on words by me. Yes.
She did not understand the man hug-so I explained to her the what and why of man hugs. It was a 2-part handshake and then the left arm around the others shoulder, and nothing but opposite shoulders touched. With the left are you tapped twice to signify the beginning and end of the hug. You side hug so penises don’t touch and the two part handshake was pivotal, it represented how bad ass you were. If you fucked up the handshake you were not ready for the man hug. If you overdid the handshake then you were either a former baseball player or not that good of a friend. It is very subtle-the man hug/handshake- but it is a key interaction between men. If you were not privy to this facet of the man’s life then take notice and you will be blown away by the prevalence of the man hug/handshake.
Bear Stearns got too drunk to control himself-like usual and thought he could still drive home. I drive drunk all the time but I am an above average man-Bear Stearns was not so Shredder and I disconnected his battery so he couldn’t drive home and kill someone.
Asian nation thanked me for helping with Bear Stearns. But her thank you was half thanks and half a sexual proposition Ewwwww gross.
I huddled into the bedroom with Shredder to hit a one hitter a couple of times and tell him that I wanted to fuck Nicole soooooooo bad. I don’t, at least I don’t think I do. I just saw her as a woman in a loveless relationship in search of the proper venue to release some of her sexual tension. The alcohol mixed with a woman that was untouchable is apparently what “does it” for me. I would never, ever, ever ever ever do anything with a woman that is in a relationship or has been in a relationship with someone I know, but for that night Nicole was the cat’s meow.
Albanian guy was hitting on Bear Stearns’ girlfriend and she was very open to his advances. I hate Albanian guy. I hope they have sex and create a little Albasian kid, HA.
Leggy Blonde looked fantasmic this evening. She looked like a hot and less STD ridden Sienna Miller. I began to feel bad for the impending heart ache that was coming her way by way of Einstein….just kidding.
As the night came to a close and the liquor dried up I wasn’t done drinking…..So I finished off all the empties that came my way….every half drunk drink that remained became fully drunk by me. What a piece of shit I am, but I have a drinking problem, what can I say.
New low alert:
I was finishing off a martini that one of the girls left by the sink and I was eating a pizza crust I found in the pizza box, which was again left by someone that wasn’t me. My actions were so macabre, so deviant, and so disgusting that I may need an intervention, or a new liver.
Nick and Nicole- Nicole was waayyyyyy too hot for Nick. Nick was a dweeb, I don’t get their relationship; he must be hung like a horse.
Highlights From the Night:
I drank way too much. I popped three vicodin and drank more.
I received hella praise over the hotness of Leggy Blonde. Shredder gave me a man hug over the hotness of Leggy Blonde. She asked why we man hugged and I told her it was due to her body of work- haha- that was a play on words by me. Yes.
She did not understand the man hug-so I explained to her the what and why of man hugs. It was a 2-part handshake and then the left arm around the others shoulder, and nothing but opposite shoulders touched. With the left are you tapped twice to signify the beginning and end of the hug. You side hug so penises don’t touch and the two part handshake was pivotal, it represented how bad ass you were. If you fucked up the handshake you were not ready for the man hug. If you overdid the handshake then you were either a former baseball player or not that good of a friend. It is very subtle-the man hug/handshake- but it is a key interaction between men. If you were not privy to this facet of the man’s life then take notice and you will be blown away by the prevalence of the man hug/handshake.
Bear Stearns got too drunk to control himself-like usual and thought he could still drive home. I drive drunk all the time but I am an above average man-Bear Stearns was not so Shredder and I disconnected his battery so he couldn’t drive home and kill someone.
Asian nation thanked me for helping with Bear Stearns. But her thank you was half thanks and half a sexual proposition Ewwwww gross.
I huddled into the bedroom with Shredder to hit a one hitter a couple of times and tell him that I wanted to fuck Nicole soooooooo bad. I don’t, at least I don’t think I do. I just saw her as a woman in a loveless relationship in search of the proper venue to release some of her sexual tension. The alcohol mixed with a woman that was untouchable is apparently what “does it” for me. I would never, ever, ever ever ever do anything with a woman that is in a relationship or has been in a relationship with someone I know, but for that night Nicole was the cat’s meow.
Albanian guy was hitting on Bear Stearns’ girlfriend and she was very open to his advances. I hate Albanian guy. I hope they have sex and create a little Albasian kid, HA.
Leggy Blonde looked fantasmic this evening. She looked like a hot and less STD ridden Sienna Miller. I began to feel bad for the impending heart ache that was coming her way by way of Einstein….just kidding.
As the night came to a close and the liquor dried up I wasn’t done drinking…..So I finished off all the empties that came my way….every half drunk drink that remained became fully drunk by me. What a piece of shit I am, but I have a drinking problem, what can I say.
New low alert:
I was finishing off a martini that one of the girls left by the sink and I was eating a pizza crust I found in the pizza box, which was again left by someone that wasn’t me. My actions were so macabre, so deviant, and so disgusting that I may need an intervention, or a new liver.
I called a taxi for Leggy Blonde and myself and gave her a kiss on the cheek as she left me. I hate drunk first kisses. The drunker I am the faster the kiss, not good times, so I just kissed her on the cheek. Plus the restraint on my part makes me seem so gentlemanly.
After dropping Leggy Blonde off at her place I had the taxi drop me off at my house and I puked in my front yard and went to bed.
I was so drunk and dehydrated that I dreamt of this mythical unreachable bottle of water. I woke up and tried to get to the bathroom to slurp some water from the faucet but every one of my movements led to nausea so I stayed in bed. Twisted twisted cycle it was.
Once I finally grew a pair of testes and got out of bed I found a bloody nose due to the half pack of Marlboros I smoked the previous evening. I also found some dried puke on my clothes….I forgot to take them off before I collapsed into my bed.
I love alcohol.
After dropping Leggy Blonde off at her place I had the taxi drop me off at my house and I puked in my front yard and went to bed.
I was so drunk and dehydrated that I dreamt of this mythical unreachable bottle of water. I woke up and tried to get to the bathroom to slurp some water from the faucet but every one of my movements led to nausea so I stayed in bed. Twisted twisted cycle it was.
Once I finally grew a pair of testes and got out of bed I found a bloody nose due to the half pack of Marlboros I smoked the previous evening. I also found some dried puke on my clothes….I forgot to take them off before I collapsed into my bed.
I love alcohol.
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