Hair Styles of the Rich and Famous

I really wish I could wear my hair in dread locks and still work at the office I do now.

Or corn rolls...what was that, they're corn rows

No way, for real...and all this team I thought they were rolls, hmmm, I don't know what a corn roll is, but I never questioned it, always thought it was an urban thing, like how bad means good and how skeet skeet means sperming all over a bitch's face...that is what skeet skeet mean, right?

Good, otherwise I may be in trouble at the barber shop.

Well anyways, I am sick of a certain hairstyle getting deemed, "unprofessional."

Why is a comb over profesh and not dreads. It doesn't make sense.

Come again?

Ohh that's it, a comb over is profesh becasue the guys is charge have comb overs. When is Busta Rhymes gonna be in charge, or Wyclef, or even Axel Rose(he also has dreads, although really trashy ones).

Look how hot and sexy dreads are.......mmmmmm Lauren Hill....before she went crazy

And look how gross and decrepit a comb over is, adsasdas, sorry I just puked onto my keyboard.

Musical Mood

I love sharing thing, yes I was that kid in school. So here are some more wonderful musicians for your ear drums.

Paolo Nutini




One More Song



The following song is for all the lovers out there, you must make love to this song, or at the very least love yourself to this song.

My New Favorite Band

THE COURTEENERS

I hope you like 'em.





And what the hell, here are the Arctic Monkeys- they are also legendary.

My Teamsssssss

Maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't but I feel the need to clarify something for the 8 people that read this sophomoric journal. I am a huge huuuuuuuuuge spots fan. I love all sports...not Nascar, because that is not a sport, but that is a topic for another time. I play almost every sport, some better than others and I have rooting interests in all major sports leagues. I am somewhat of a bandwagon fan, hmmm I take that back.

When I was young we moved around alot so I never had the opportunity to create a lasting bond with a "local" sports franchise. For example New Engenders love the Red Sox, Patriots, Bruins, and Celtics; due to the fact that they have been inundated with those teams throughout their formative years. That was not the case for me. So instead of following specific teams I fall in love with players from time to time and follow those teams.

Alot of "real men," you know the type, the big tough wing eating beer drinking Fred Durst loving men seem to scoff at my fan freelancing. Ehh so what. I just thought I would vent and explain myself to y'all.

At this time I like the Patriots in football- I love Brady and the organization as a whole, in basketball I root for point guards so its is Steve Nash or Chris Paul for me...I like Ginobli but hate the Spurs, in hockey, jeesh, I don't actually watch enough hockey to know what's going on, but just for shits and giggles I will root for the Red Wings...

Why the Red Wings? Because I think it is kind of ironic that "Hockey Town USA" is also know as Detroit, which due to the demographic make up of the town seems like the least Hockey city in the country. St. Paul or Bismark should be Hockey Town USA, not Detroit. I am a moron, forget everything I just typed.

I also root for Man U futbol time because my favorite band (at this time) reside in Manchester, England and C. Ronaldo is my favorite player (at this time). I also love Wayne Rooney but that's cause he seems like a royal ass hole.

Too Much Comfort

Every now and again a friend or acquaintance does something that shows you he/she has gotten far too comfortable with you.

I have a friend that looks like Kurt Cobain, we'll call him Cobain in an attempt to save typing time. He has an on again off again lover that comes into his life like a typhoon- destroying everything in her path until the next time the tide is too high.

We were watching the Sun's game last night.

Side Note: The "WE" was Cobain, Cool Ass Black Friend, and I.

Cobain told us that he hooked up with "The Typhoon" last night and that his dick was raw from the experience. He said that he thinks her rings may have scraped his cock during their sexual adventure. He got up and walked into the bathroom and yelled for us to look at his penis, to gauge whether he needed medical assistance.

HE FELT WAY TOO COMFORTABLE WITH US- I AM NOT A DOC AND AM NOT GOING TO JUDGE THE NORMALCY OF ANOTHER MAN'S PENIS.

The Suns eventually lost, probably because of Cobain's excessive comfort level. I gave him some Aloe-Vera burn cream and told him to never ask me to look at his genitals again.

The weird thing was that my Cool Ass Black Friend got up and looked at his dick and told him it wasn't that bad.

I am never going to ask a man whose name isn't followed by M.D. to judge my penis and I will not judge penises or peni- whatever the plural of penis is.

The only time I wanna see cock is in a porno with hot chicks salivating over it, and even then the penis is basically background noise. I am not being asked to inspect it.

Speaking of porn, I have to go.

Jewish

If I ever go bald in the back of my head I will convert to Judaism.

Then I can wear a yarmulke and no one will be the wiser.

The good looking Jew in the picture is not me.

Stop and Smell The Roses

I was told to stop and smell the roses by a coworker. I hated that coworker, so I pretended that I had lost the ability to smell in childhood and I chastised him for being cruel to the disabled.

He killed himself out of guilt and as I laid roses onto his grave, I couldn't help but to laugh at the irony.

Too Happy To Pass Out

Alcohol makes one do stupid things. It is not that bad if the "one" in question is a hot girl and the stupid thing she is doing is you.

HOWEVER, if you are the "one" engaging in the stupid activities, then you have a huge problemo.

Saturday night I was at a bar.


I was drunk.


I was cock blocked by Tom Brady. Fuckin Tom Brady. I was the brazen male that ventured over to a table full of women and while I was captivating them with my effervescent charm, Mr. Brady appeared on the big screen.


Let the swooning begin.


20 minutes of Brady chatter followed, so I left.


Fast forward 2 hours later. We met another group of girls and headed back to their place to continue the party. The group I was rolling with consisted of 3 other men: My Cool Ass Black Friend, My Hippie Long Haired Kurt Cobain Friend, I'm Entrenched In A Loveless Relationship Friend-Shredder, and Your Truly.


The demographics of the group of women we were with consisted of: Fake Hair-Fake Boobs-Fake Tan-Fake Nails Girl, Way Too Hot For Me Or My Buddies Girl, I Love Black Men Girl, and Too Ugly To Be Hanging Out With This Crowd Girl.


Quick Recap of the Late Night Festivities:

• Shredder went home because he is whipped...or a good boyfriend...if there is a difference I am not aware.


• The "I Love Black Men Girl" hooked up with "My Cool Ass Black Friend." No one saw that coming.


• No one spoke the "Ugly Girl" so she went to bed.


• My Kurt Cobain buddy got stoned on the way to the girls' place and he passed out in the car- fuckin hippy.


• Apparently Fake Girl dug me so Superhot Chick was even more of a pipe dream now than she was originally.


• Superhot Chick went to bed- frick.


• Fake Girl and I began doing shots- my idea- I needed as much alcohol as possible in me so I could have a scapegoat to blame for the sex I envisioned happening between us.


• I kissed her-frickety frick frick.


• Imagine licking the sneeze guard at a salad bar...got it...well that is what Fake Girl tasted like.


• She got naked and so did I. I tried to get away but I failed, running was futile, this bull had me in her sights. I really wanted to use the picture below, so even though it is convoluted calling Fake Girl a bull, it served its purpose.


• Foreplay.


• I passed out- so no sex happened. I remember her trying to revive me with a spirited round of oral sex, but I was gone. Thanks to the soporific spirits I didn't have to fuck the fake girl.

OK GOT TO GO.

Club Cam

I wish that there was a website I could log into that would allow me to peer into bars and clubs around town so I can make an informed decision about which one I should visit.

I am sick of going from bar to bar until I find the one with hot chicks. The requisite drink I must purchase plus the cost of cover forcefully hits the wallet for no reason.

I go for the hoes, not to buy a 6 dollar whiskey sour and pay a tattooed brute a 10 dollar toll.

I want to know where the hoes are.

Give me a club cam.

I should be able to see where the hotties are so I can make an informed decision about where I should party.

Ego Monster

What makes you think you’re so special?

Do not answer her question. Einstein; listen to me, don’t do it.

Answer my fuckin question you asshole.

Ahem.

Hey there readers, let me give you a little bit of the background story before I saturate these pages with the conclusion. Beckham Girl came over the other night to watch a movie and have some dinner- a wonderful Barolo braised beef that yours truly prepared. We were eating dinner all the while rehashing stories about our jobs and our activities during the past couple of days.

Then I made a mistake. I told her that I took Leggy Blonde as a date to a “thing” at my friend’s house.

I try to tell the truth unless the person I am speaking to can’t handle the truth. I thought that the woman I was speaking too was a truth handler, but alas she was a regular woman.

Why didn’t you take me?

I don’t know; I felt like hanging out with her.

Did you guys do anything?

No, and that was the truth, for real- NO.

How can I believe you?

Because I haven’t lied to you yet, that’s why?

Big mistake, I should have neglected to use the word “yet.” Einstein your moniker is losing validity with light speed.

I thought we had a moment the other night? Fuck, I thought you were different? You think you can just fuck around with as many girls as you fuckin want without a fuckin care in the world.

She cussed a lot- not cute. I only like cussing in the bedroom…when it is like- Ohhhh fuck me you fuckin Greek god….ohhhh ahhhhh fuuuu ahhhhhh fuck me fuck me fuck me, ohhh your dick is so fuckin big…..fuck my cunt….AHHHHHHHHHHH I’M CUMMMIN OHHH MY GOD…OHHHH FUCK FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK O O OHHHHH…..

O, sorry to interrupt, you were saying Beckham Girl.

You are shit!!!!!!!!

No I’m not!

What makes you think you’re so special?

Do not answer her question. Einstein; listen to me, don’t do it.

Answer my fuckin question you asshole.

Ok, now are we all on the same page? Good.

I should have just ignored the question and tried to quell her anger.

Is that what I did?

No.

And why is that?

Because I am a fuckin moron.

First of all I don’t think I’m that special, and second of all we’re not dating, we are nothing yet.

I was something to you the other night “Special Guy.”

I hate when people call me a name that is followed by the word guy. Hey Funny Guy….Hey Cool Guy….What are you a leather jacket guy….Hey Everyone Look At The Rich Guy, You’re Not Cool Ok Big Guy……I HATE IT.

I was special enough for you to blow me the first time we hung out.

DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB STUPID IDIOT WHY DID I SAY THAT I WISH I COULD SELL MY TONGUE ON EBAY FOR ZERO DOLLARS AND ZERO CENTSBECAUSE IT IS WORTHLESS JUST LIKE YOUR EGO YOU DOLT DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB

She started to cry. I can’t handle it when girls cry. My angst with crying women is not based in chivalry, it is based in fear, I don’t no what to do. So I lit a cigarette and sat there.

She cried and cussed me out

I smoked and had a little bit of wine. I actually used a cheap Barolo in the dish and a very expensive bottle to drink with dinner, it was a great mix. Ummmm back to the story.

She got up grabbed her purse……and her overnight bag, a bag that I’m sure had some condoms in it.

What she blew me on date 1, date 2 was definitely ending in copulation, yes, go me.

Then she left.

So I ate alone, and then watched a porno starring Puma Swede, gave myself a happy ending, and went to bed.

Another successful night for the Einstein.

2 more good songs

The band is called Alphabeat. I love clever word plays...get it....its like Alphabet except the "B-E-T" following the "ALPHA" is "Beat" because they make music. HA




I love this song because the video is bananananananananas.....and because the song sounds so 1983. Alright minnions.

Music Time

A Brit With Dreads Covering Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody- Has A More Einsteinian Prformance Ever Occured


One More Newton Faulkner Song, Because He is More Than His Dreads



The Following Song Will Rival LFO's Summer Girls As The Greatest Summer Song Of All Time

My First

The woman that took my flower just gave birth to a baby boy. My First was a great woman. It may be because her vagina was the first vag I explored but she was one of the best fucks of my life or any other life for that matter.

She is a mother now.

A baby came out of the same place I came in.

She is by all accounts a great person; very responsible and dependable to her job, husband and her new child. But, and this sentence will have a plethora of buts- I can’t look at this new mother and not see the same girl that asked me to finger her ass during one of our fuck sessions. I didn’t. She was my first so I was just trying to last more than two minutes; I couldn’t take on any additional responsibilities- especially responsibilities of the anal kind.

I know that her newfound motherhood definitely makes her a MILF, but I cannot claim her as a Mom I Have Fucked- because she was not a mother during our time together- although she did call me a motherfucker on more than one occasion.

I am relatively young so it is somewhat of a culture shock to learn that a former fuck is now a current mom. When I think of mothers I think of Mrs. Huxtable or Mrs. Brady, not My First. My First went down on me in her parent’s summer home-while her parents were watching the evening news- in the room adjacent to hers. My First called me a pussy due to my reluctance to insert my member into her backfield. My First didn’t just let me fuck her doggy style- she preferred it. My First tried to give me a hand job in the back row of one of my classes during my freshman year of college. She wasn’t even in the class- she just showed up to see me. My First watched porn, by herself. My First had a dildo names Vinny because her sexual desires exceeded any devotion one man could provide. My First swallowed- and liked the taste. My First tried going down on me in an elevator as we went from the first floor to the fourth floor. My First would whisper into my ear that she was wet for me during football games, dinner with her parents, and (God save my soul) church services. My First had an ass before it was cool for white girls to have an ass. My First preferred me naked the majority of the time because she liked to look at my penis. My First thought a man’s cock rivaled the ceiling of the Sistine chapel as the greatest masterpiece in the world. My First was never “fucked,” she did the “fucking.” My First is a mother. My First has a son. My First is a mother just like Mrs. Brady.

I am not saying she is an unfit mother, but mothers seemed so pure to me, at least they used to. My whole world has been turned on its side- I now look at Mrs. Brady in a whole new light; a new pornographic light.

Knock on Wood

I was at work earlier and there was a slight chance that we would have to stay late and search for some documents that one of our clients may have lost. This client is very irresponsible and some what of a document hypochondriac. Every couple of weeks he “loses” an important document and calls us frantically to replace it for him. We never actually look for the document in question because he always calls back within a couple of hours to inform us that he found the “lost” document.

He called earlier. He asked for copies of transcripts from board meetings that took place in 1999. I told him we would get right on it….we didn’t, it’s the document hypochondriac.

By the way our paper work from the 90’s has not all been digitally filed yet, they were all still in filing cabinets in a closet. I’m definitely not gonna do it, I was still in middle school and high school in the 90’s.

The clock struck 4:30 and he still hadn’t called back.

“Hey Einstein we may have to actually find the transcript this time”

“Hell no”

Then I proceeded to knock on what I thought was wood.

4:59

I decided to call our client back and he was upset that we hadn’t found the transcript yet because he for sure lost it this time, fuck.

So we stayed an additional 2 hours locating the requested paper work, all because instead of knocking on wood, I knocked on painted drywall.

To avoid a jinx knock on wood, to reinforce the jinx knock on not wood.

I hate my job.

Accents R Us

Accents are the greatest invention ever. A request made with an accent can never be tuned down.

In the States if someone asked for my help I usually help but only because I am a nice person. In France when someone asked for my help I obliged them but only because I became entranced by the accent.

I am now in serious training, training to develop a believable accent. Asking a woman for sex in my normal American accent works sometimes, but my level of success would for sure increase if I had an accent.

Men or women with accents don’t even need to be that good looking to be attractive….Does the name Hugh Grant ring any bells.

If I ever get enough money to hire a personal trainer they will definitely come equipped with an accent, German or Austrian. An American yelling at me to do 20 push ups isn’t as motivating or as fear inducing as a German or Russian yelling at me to do 20 push ups.

Accents are the new black.

Getting Over My Hangover

My head is throbbing this morning. We (by we I mean a group of people I interact with that you will probably never meet) decided to have tropical drink night. We purchased an assortment of juices and cheap alcohol to mix into those juices. Way too much sugar. I have the headache of the year this morning and- I am sorry for this- but I am having serious diarrhea.

My homey, Shredder, the impresario of this evening, has a girlfriend, kind of a biatch. She, Holy Whore, is a teacher of kids under the age of 8 which means she deals with everyone else as if they were under the age of 8. She speaks slowly and looks down at you, even though she is a shorty, plus she is a born again Christian, but before her rebirth she was an enormous slut, hmmmm, I can’t stand her, but I bite my tongue and keep our interactions as minimal as possible. Once again she is my buddy’s bitch so unless she’s commits an act so unholy that I must out her, I must like her, puke.

Hated person part deux, is this nam’by pam’by investment banker that shows up with his little Asian girlfriend, how chique. He uses predominantly bank-speak in an attempt to prove his superiority to others or at least to himself. I felt gregarious so I offered him my hand for a shake and asked how he was. He returned with this gem- “The general provisions of the bilateral investment agreements include the promotion and reciprocal protection of investments; nondiscrimination; the free transfer of capital, payments and earnings; freedom from expropriation and nationalization; and recognition of the principle of subrogation.” I really need to look up subrogation, what the eff. Ohh yeah his little Asian girlfriend was flirting with yours truly all night….give me an S, give me a L, give me a U, what does that spell, SLU, which is slang for slut, SLUT….SLUT…..SLUT…… She flirted with every guy at the shin-dig except for her banker boyfriend.

Break time because I have to poop.

Side Note:
I was going to use a random euphemism for poop, like dropping the kids off at the pool, but since everyone uses a euphemism for poop- Maybe the actual word poop is the most cutting edge way to reference it.

Ok I am back.

Ok, just so we keep things straight I am going to finish introducing everyone to you with a complete rundown of the party’s attendees.

Shredder- My buddy and the host for the night’s festivities

Holy Whore- Shredder’s chubby hypocritical whore of a girlfriend that thinks everyone is one of her kindergarten students.

Bear Stearns- The pompous investment banker and doormat of a boyfriend

Asian Nation- She is Bear Stearns’ girlfriend, and his claim to relevance. She is huge low key slut by the way. Almost anyone with a dick and a heartbeat could hit it.

Leggy Blonde- Hot Leggy Blonde I met from the gym. I am probably going to nail her soon. She thinks I’m a catch. The only thing I need now is a lot of time with her or a lot of alcohol in her.

Albanian Ass- I hate this group of Albanians in my town and there was one stag Albane at this get together. He had a dress shirt on with 2 buttons fastened, a gold chain, greasy hair, and a smug look of arrogance even though his arrogance is completely unwarranted.

Awww The Cute Couple- This couple just graduated from some University and they had just become engaged. They were cute but not overbearingly cute, like a kitten with one eye.

Nick and Nicole- Nicole was waayyyyyy too hot for Nick. Nick was a dweeb, I don’t get their relationship; he must be hung like a horse.

Highlights From the Night:

I drank way too much. I popped three vicodin and drank more.

I received hella praise over the hotness of Leggy Blonde. Shredder gave me a man hug over the hotness of Leggy Blonde. She asked why we man hugged and I told her it was due to her body of work- haha- that was a play on words by me. Yes.

She did not understand the man hug-so I explained to her the what and why of man hugs. It was a 2-part handshake and then the left arm around the others shoulder, and nothing but opposite shoulders touched. With the left are you tapped twice to signify the beginning and end of the hug. You side hug so penises don’t touch and the two part handshake was pivotal, it represented how bad ass you were. If you fucked up the handshake you were not ready for the man hug. If you overdid the handshake then you were either a former baseball player or not that good of a friend. It is very subtle-the man hug/handshake- but it is a key interaction between men. If you were not privy to this facet of the man’s life then take notice and you will be blown away by the prevalence of the man hug/handshake.

Bear Stearns got too drunk to control himself-like usual and thought he could still drive home. I drive drunk all the time but I am an above average man-Bear Stearns was not so Shredder and I disconnected his battery so he couldn’t drive home and kill someone.

Asian nation thanked me for helping with Bear Stearns. But her thank you was half thanks and half a sexual proposition Ewwwww gross.

I huddled into the bedroom with Shredder to hit a one hitter a couple of times and tell him that I wanted to fuck Nicole soooooooo bad. I don’t, at least I don’t think I do. I just saw her as a woman in a loveless relationship in search of the proper venue to release some of her sexual tension. The alcohol mixed with a woman that was untouchable is apparently what “does it” for me. I would never, ever, ever ever ever do anything with a woman that is in a relationship or has been in a relationship with someone I know, but for that night Nicole was the cat’s meow.

Albanian guy was hitting on Bear Stearns’ girlfriend and she was very open to his advances. I hate Albanian guy. I hope they have sex and create a little Albasian kid, HA.

Leggy Blonde looked fantasmic this evening. She looked like a hot and less STD ridden Sienna Miller. I began to feel bad for the impending heart ache that was coming her way by way of Einstein….just kidding.

As the night came to a close and the liquor dried up I wasn’t done drinking…..So I finished off all the empties that came my way….every half drunk drink that remained became fully drunk by me. What a piece of shit I am, but I have a drinking problem, what can I say.

New low alert:

I was finishing off a martini that one of the girls left by the sink and I was eating a pizza crust I found in the pizza box, which was again left by someone that wasn’t me. My actions were so macabre, so deviant, and so disgusting that I may need an intervention, or a new liver.

I called a taxi for Leggy Blonde and myself and gave her a kiss on the cheek as she left me. I hate drunk first kisses. The drunker I am the faster the kiss, not good times, so I just kissed her on the cheek. Plus the restraint on my part makes me seem so gentlemanly.

After dropping Leggy Blonde off at her place I had the taxi drop me off at my house and I puked in my front yard and went to bed.

I was so drunk and dehydrated that I dreamt of this mythical unreachable bottle of water. I woke up and tried to get to the bathroom to slurp some water from the faucet but every one of my movements led to nausea so I stayed in bed. Twisted twisted cycle it was.

Once I finally grew a pair of testes and got out of bed I found a bloody nose due to the half pack of Marlboros I smoked the previous evening. I also found some dried puke on my clothes….I forgot to take them off before I collapsed into my bed.

I love alcohol.

Quick Hits

I just returned from Paris and I had a wonderful time. I may or may not have smoked some pot with a dread locked young man named Serge. I may or may not have played a shit load of indoor soccer. I may or may not of had sex with 3 lovely French kittens.....OK I did not have sex with anyone, my mojo must have been jet lagged. French women are not as slutty as I had thought, or as I had wished, one of the two. ORRRRRRRRRRR maybe I am not as debonair as my mother told me I was. Whatever.

Well I have to run and pick up Leggy Blonde and head to a little get together with some of my homies. You do remember Leggy Blonde, do you not?

But before I run I had a couple of items to present to y'all.

1. I am in love, yes love with Kristen Wiig. My goal is to date her once before I die. Please watch this video because she is the funniest women...ahem person on TV right now
   
   
2. 
   John Ashcroft is a liar and his little slip of the tongue, was the exact opposite. The Repubs are trying there damnedest to Muslimate Obama. Silly rabbits, tricks are for kids...and politicians. Keep "publicly apologizing, ass face."
   
   
   
3. Obama bowled a 37, what a shitty bowler. Great! If he had bowled, say a 237 I would be a little concerned. If he was a great bowler then he for sure must be spending too much time in an alley and not in an office. Good bowler equals bad president, but vice versa Bad Bowler = Who knows?
   
   
   
4. Ohh yeah, Matt Leinhart got into trouble for partying with hot chicks. Wow, a young, attractive, millionaire, and slutty white girls.....they go together like....like....LIKE YOUNG ATTRACTIVE MILLIONAIRES AND SLUTTY WHITE GIRLS.
   

Got to go, I'll hitcha on the flip side, my ninjas.

STOP LOSS

We're going to skip the tales of debauchery this evening. From time to time I get serious (I already hear you groaning, I'm sorry) and this is one of those times.

I watched Stop Loss this evening, and it definitely moistened the eyes of Einstein. I urge you to go see this movie or illegally download it from your favorite pirate site.

This movie and my pimping of it is completely devoid of political agenda - it is the the meeting of war and life- you must see this film.

This is not my Roger Ebert moment, this is me acting like a friend and strongly suggesting you go see this film. If I knew you I would pay for you to go, I couldn't go again, my heart can't take it.

I know that exaggeration is the peanut butter to the movie industry's jelly, but the facts support the movie. The facts are the movie.

The movie shows just another by-product of hate. Eradication of hate is a long way away, but ahhhh- I don't know how to end this without getting preachy or sappy. But the majority of us can do more, and I am pointing my finger directly at myself.

GO SEE THIS FILM-IT HAS A MESSAGE-IT IS RELEVANT-IT IS MOVING IN MULTIPLE WAYS

What A Jack Off

My favorite video this week. Thank God I own a home and can listen to my porn as loud as I want, I have surround sound. Kobe Tai's orgasm in high def and Dolby surround sound brings me to my peak with minimal masturbation. Its all about the ambiance fuckers.

Beckham Girl

Last night was a wild wild evening.

I was awarded with a rousing round of road head. ROAD HEAD!

I met this young woman a while back. She is a 20 year old chick; young I know, but she is built like a hot Lindsay Lohan, sans the drug use and red hair, and freckles, scratch that. She actually looks like Mila Kunis with bigger boobs.

I met her at the book store; I asked her where David Beckham’s autobiography was located. She then asked me if I was gay. I told her that I wasn’t, I was just a soccer player that loved the Beck-Man. She questioned my sexuality again. I then pulled her close and kissed her like no man has ever kissed a woman before. I kissed her deep, like one of us was dying.

BACK TO REALITY

I met her at the book store; I asked her where David Beckham’s autobiography was located. She pointed to the northeast section of Barnes and Noble. I went and found the book but pretended that I didn’t. I walked back to her and asked if she could show me. She did. Then I implemented a brand new method of “chick pick-up,” I used David Beckham’s good looks to my advantage.

What do you think of him?

Oh my God, he’s gorgeous?

I was talking about his soccer skills?

No idea, but he’s hot?

Really?

Are you kidding me, he is perfection?

You think you have a chance with Beckham?

Hell no?

Well I play soccer so I am probably as close as you’ll ever get?

Hahahahahahahaha

If you have a cup of coffee with me I will tell you all about David Beckham, deal?

Deal?

And that was that folks. David Beckham’s sexiness benefited me, thank you. In the past couple of weeks Beckham Girl and I have really hit it off. Our “situation” has grown:

Coffee==>Lunch==>Dinner==>Make Out Session==>Movie and Wine==>Road Head==>Eggs

Last night I took Beckham Girl to my home boys crib…ahem...to my married friend’s house. We watched Bend it Like Beckham…seriously we did, I thought it would be fitting. We had wine and more wine. Beckham Girl got pretty drunk

I think we should leave.

We got in my car and I was going to drop her off at her house, but she lives with her parents and didn’t want to go home inebriated and what not. Yeah I know she is not just 5 years younger than me, but she is FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.

So I decided-against my better judgment- to bring her over to my place. On the way to my place she began getting “handsy.” I love handsy. Then the zipper to my pin-striped Gap flat front chinos was unzipped and out came Optimus Prime (it’s my cock’s nickname this week). Then like a champ she gave me the street cred that I didn’t need but I welcomed none the less.

Getting road head is just like driving stoned. I was relaxed, I leaned back in my seat, I turned the stereo up, and I was driving 20 miles below the speed limit.

I was concerned that my pants may become stained with semen, but other than that it was awesome. She took charge and jumped right in. I though she was just gonna play with it, but fallacio, wow, that was unexpected.

We were getting close to my house, but I had not ejacked yet, so I drove around the block a couple of times.

Sexual Explosion

She swallowed everything and she didn’t even try to kiss me after. Just an f.y.i I don’t mind kissing bitches after they blow me, as long as all sperm residue has disappeared.

Now I could go home.

I wasn’t planning on fucking her and she obliged by passing out on arrival.

I was awakened by the smell of scrambled eggs and coffee, mmmmm.

White people are the greatest scrambled eggs makers in the world. White people are magicians with those little chicken eggs. She was cracking them one-handed and working the skillet better than she worked me. Better yet there was zero akwardness (I know that isn’t a word) and there were absolutely zero “coupley” feelings. We didn’t kiss or make plans to meet again. We didn’t even talk about “us” at all.

We talked about aliens, and why every single alien that has ever been “sighted” was thin. I have never seen a fat alien in an artist’s rendering. Maybe alien’s are even more weight conscious than humans. Maybe they have figured out the key to weight loss. These are the issues that run through my head.

We ate our breakfast while we watched CNN and then I dropped her of at her car and I went to work.

I dig this chick, my little Beckham Girl.