As ya'll know I have no clue who my parents are; but I may have just found my father.
I may be Japanese....that explains why I am so good at Math.
Seriously that wasn't a stereotypical Japanese joke, I have a minor in math.
Ok, so it was a stereotypical Japanese joke, but it was grounded in fact.
Swimming Trunks
I grew up pretty poor. So poor that there were times when my dinner was a bread sandwich.
I also never had swimming trunks, I just had shorts. That tradition lasts until today. I left with my friend to pick up a movie and he said:
"Hey grab your swimming trunks in case we stop by the pool"
I said
"I am wearing shorts"
He was shocked. He looked at me like I was Amish for not having shorts specifically for the water. So I slapped him.
If I am wearing shorts I can swim at any given time. If I am outside running and a group of hot chicks invite me inside for a dip in the pool, do I think I am going to say:
"Ohhh, tiddly-winks, these are my running shorts, not my swimming trunks, gottta go ladies."
No, I am goin to jump into the fuckin pool.
I also never had swimming trunks, I just had shorts. That tradition lasts until today. I left with my friend to pick up a movie and he said:
"Hey grab your swimming trunks in case we stop by the pool"
I said
"I am wearing shorts"
He was shocked. He looked at me like I was Amish for not having shorts specifically for the water. So I slapped him.
If I am wearing shorts I can swim at any given time. If I am outside running and a group of hot chicks invite me inside for a dip in the pool, do I think I am going to say:
"Ohhh, tiddly-winks, these are my running shorts, not my swimming trunks, gottta go ladies."
No, I am goin to jump into the fuckin pool.
Taxes
I have to send in an amended form to the IRS. I have to send it in because they sent me a letter stating : "We will audit you ass if you do not complete this form you lazy piece of shit....and we know about your drug habit....we're the fucking IRS, we know everything."
So I had to work on that this weekend....and it is going to cost me some money.
The only thing worse than actually paying the IRS their money, is filling out their fucking forms.
I am a very above average reader, and my writing ability is to die for; but I feel like I'm reading Aramaic when plowing through these IRS forms.
So I had to work on that this weekend....and it is going to cost me some money.
The only thing worse than actually paying the IRS their money, is filling out their fucking forms.
I am a very above average reader, and my writing ability is to die for; but I feel like I'm reading Aramaic when plowing through these IRS forms.
Throwback
What are you?
What the fuck kind of question is that.
What are you?
So my olive complexion, which is as natural as the green grass I wish would grow instead of the snow I am forced to contend with on a daily basis. Olive, not clear cut like black or white, my eyes are big and my hair is stubborn, so what am I.
I almost wanted to reply- I am your worst nightmare you shriveled up little bitch, oh yeah your boobs aren’t symmetrical, take that, cunt face.
Or I could have went with, I am a cool ass mofo, and asking a man, a grown ass, pubic hair owning man what he is, is not so cool.
Well guess what your protagonist decided to retort with. Well, I told her what I was. Race, age, food allergies, preferred sexual positions….everything.I have a theory----
wait for it
Wait for it
I am trying to climb onto my soap box, which is a quite a task, since I loathe the use of soap boxes, but alas, from time to time I take the hike.
80% of people are sheep, herded by the 10% of people that are exemplary, outstanding, intelligent, blah blah blah.
I know what you are thinking, Sexy Einstein, your math sucks, that equals 90%, please say you can do simple arithmetic, please Sexy Einstein, well ok kiddies.
That remaining 10% you refer to is none other than the retarded sect of society.
That section…. that section is far too ugghhh, far too trite and commonplace, too vomit inducing to be considered sheep. They yearn to be sheep, she was one of those 10%.
But once again I lost my words, and my courage. Poor lady, poor me.
What the fuck kind of question is that.
What are you?
So my olive complexion, which is as natural as the green grass I wish would grow instead of the snow I am forced to contend with on a daily basis. Olive, not clear cut like black or white, my eyes are big and my hair is stubborn, so what am I.
I almost wanted to reply- I am your worst nightmare you shriveled up little bitch, oh yeah your boobs aren’t symmetrical, take that, cunt face.
Or I could have went with, I am a cool ass mofo, and asking a man, a grown ass, pubic hair owning man what he is, is not so cool.
Well guess what your protagonist decided to retort with. Well, I told her what I was. Race, age, food allergies, preferred sexual positions….everything.I have a theory----
wait for it
Wait for it
I am trying to climb onto my soap box, which is a quite a task, since I loathe the use of soap boxes, but alas, from time to time I take the hike.
80% of people are sheep, herded by the 10% of people that are exemplary, outstanding, intelligent, blah blah blah.
I know what you are thinking, Sexy Einstein, your math sucks, that equals 90%, please say you can do simple arithmetic, please Sexy Einstein, well ok kiddies.
That remaining 10% you refer to is none other than the retarded sect of society.
That section…. that section is far too ugghhh, far too trite and commonplace, too vomit inducing to be considered sheep. They yearn to be sheep, she was one of those 10%.
But once again I lost my words, and my courage. Poor lady, poor me.
Bits of Tid
- I hate holding the door open for people and I hate when people hold the door open for me. I was walking into work this morning and the man 20 yards ahead of me decided to hold the door open for me. He stared at me while I walked and he even gave me some motivation:
"Come, on, you can make it"
But I didn't want to make it. I didn't want to have to pick up my pace at all. Just leave me the fuck alone and walk into the building, I can open a God Dammed door myself. Do I look like a paraplegic that can't manage the simple task of opening a door. One of these fucking days I may flip and go all Travis Bickle on then next person holding a door open for me.
- I hate holding doors open as well. I am not responsible for making sure you are able to successfully maneuver through a two way door. I will walk in and if you can fit in through my back draft then so be it, otherwise get your lazy ass hand out of your pocket and take a hold of a door handle.
- I also hate it when you are exiting through a door and a person that is walking in is holding the door open. Except the holder is halfway between enter and exit, and I have to walk across their body to leave. Just walk the fuck in, I WILL WAIT FOR YOU, and then get the hell out of my way.
See what you guys have been missing during my nearly week long absence. Anger. I feel like O-Dog from Menace II Society.
Bowling for Concubine
Leggy Blonde left the other night after we fucked.
We've had dinner a couple times in the past month, but nothing more.
I had to get back in her good graces since I avoided her for about a fortnight (yes!! I got to use fortnight in a post) since our pre-marital sex.
Everything was leading towards sex, but I have been playing the role of the chivalrous chauvinist , in an attempt to ensure additional sex play. I think she may have formed an accurate impression of me since we had sex. She thought I was only after one thing, which I was, but I was bothered that she knew my intentions.
On Thursday night, I was at home and I had planned on staying home and chatting with my adopted little sister while I completed some paper work.
Then in the midst of our convo I walked past a mirror and realized that my face has not been sat on in a while, so I got a hold of Leggy Blond
I told Leggy Blonde that through my many sources in the underworld I had acquired a bootleg copy of the new Batman flick; and just like the millions of other theatre goers she was hooked.
She walked into my house and in my haste to appear cool I spilled my kool-aid and she had to help me clean it up- since as a man I suck at cleaning up stains. We took the towels back to the washing machine which was in a room past my bedroom. On our way back from the utility room we made an excursion into my bedroom. I lured her into my sexual lair as a result of my mad pimp game:
"You have gotta check out this video on Youtube I found of a moon walking midget."
And just like that she was in my bed watching a corny ass Bollywood clip. Once the clip ended, the love making could commence. I began by stating how luscious her chap stick made her lips appear, and then I asked if I could taste it. She laughed at my weak ass attempt to kiss her, and once my embarrassment dissipated we kissed anyways.
Accidental game folks, that is my calling card. I hook up with women due to my exorbitant awkwardness around them.
Once again we had sex sans condom, which is fine by me since I am immune to any STD. I bought a couple spare immune systems from the USSR during its downfall, so I'm safe.
As we were doing it she put her right leg on my left shoulder (are you picturing it...good) and asked me to lick her toes. Feet disgust me so much that once she mentioned "toe licking" my boner dematerialized and my testicles shriveled up like an Eskimo's.
I told her the only was I was going to suck her toes is if she let me pee on her. I am not into potty games but I wanted to make sure she got that I equated feet to urine on my puke list.
Once she got that crazy idea out of her head we continued on banging. Leggy Blonde happened to me a gymnast during her formative years and now that is only beneficial in the bedroom.
Side Note: If I were ever to accidentally become a daddy, and if that accident was a lovely little girl the last sport I would want her to participate in would be gymnastics. Her gymnastic skills could only benefit her in 2 different scenarios: The Olympics or The Bedroom. Since most girls don't make it to the Olympics I would simply be succumbing to the fact that my daughter would be a pervert's bendy little sex partner. So screw you Bella Karoli, you can't have my daughter.
Back to the real world.
I thought I would be into her bendy ways, and boy was she bendy, but i found myself a little turned off by her ability to contort. She put her legs behind her head and while I continued to pound away I had to close my eyes for most of it. With her legs where the were, she looked like a Vietnam Vet that had lost her limbs in battle- not the sexiest image in the world.
The best part about this sexual adventure is that she held zero ill conceived notions about our little tryst. Once the sex ended she cleaned up and left. I did not even have to make up an extravagant lie to get her out of my bed. I had sex and was afforded the opportunity to sleep alone my bed. This Leggy Blonde is working her way into my good graces.
We've had dinner a couple times in the past month, but nothing more.
I had to get back in her good graces since I avoided her for about a fortnight (yes!! I got to use fortnight in a post) since our pre-marital sex.
Everything was leading towards sex, but I have been playing the role of the chivalrous chauvinist , in an attempt to ensure additional sex play. I think she may have formed an accurate impression of me since we had sex. She thought I was only after one thing, which I was, but I was bothered that she knew my intentions.
On Thursday night, I was at home and I had planned on staying home and chatting with my adopted little sister while I completed some paper work.
Then in the midst of our convo I walked past a mirror and realized that my face has not been sat on in a while, so I got a hold of Leggy Blond
I told Leggy Blonde that through my many sources in the underworld I had acquired a bootleg copy of the new Batman flick; and just like the millions of other theatre goers she was hooked.
She walked into my house and in my haste to appear cool I spilled my kool-aid and she had to help me clean it up- since as a man I suck at cleaning up stains. We took the towels back to the washing machine which was in a room past my bedroom. On our way back from the utility room we made an excursion into my bedroom. I lured her into my sexual lair as a result of my mad pimp game:
"You have gotta check out this video on Youtube I found of a moon walking midget."
And just like that she was in my bed watching a corny ass Bollywood clip. Once the clip ended, the love making could commence. I began by stating how luscious her chap stick made her lips appear, and then I asked if I could taste it. She laughed at my weak ass attempt to kiss her, and once my embarrassment dissipated we kissed anyways.
Accidental game folks, that is my calling card. I hook up with women due to my exorbitant awkwardness around them.
Once again we had sex sans condom, which is fine by me since I am immune to any STD. I bought a couple spare immune systems from the USSR during its downfall, so I'm safe.
As we were doing it she put her right leg on my left shoulder (are you picturing it...good) and asked me to lick her toes. Feet disgust me so much that once she mentioned "toe licking" my boner dematerialized and my testicles shriveled up like an Eskimo's.
I told her the only was I was going to suck her toes is if she let me pee on her. I am not into potty games but I wanted to make sure she got that I equated feet to urine on my puke list.
Once she got that crazy idea out of her head we continued on banging. Leggy Blonde happened to me a gymnast during her formative years and now that is only beneficial in the bedroom.
Side Note: If I were ever to accidentally become a daddy, and if that accident was a lovely little girl the last sport I would want her to participate in would be gymnastics. Her gymnastic skills could only benefit her in 2 different scenarios: The Olympics or The Bedroom. Since most girls don't make it to the Olympics I would simply be succumbing to the fact that my daughter would be a pervert's bendy little sex partner. So screw you Bella Karoli, you can't have my daughter.
Back to the real world.
I thought I would be into her bendy ways, and boy was she bendy, but i found myself a little turned off by her ability to contort. She put her legs behind her head and while I continued to pound away I had to close my eyes for most of it. With her legs where the were, she looked like a Vietnam Vet that had lost her limbs in battle- not the sexiest image in the world.
The best part about this sexual adventure is that she held zero ill conceived notions about our little tryst. Once the sex ended she cleaned up and left. I did not even have to make up an extravagant lie to get her out of my bed. I had sex and was afforded the opportunity to sleep alone my bed. This Leggy Blonde is working her way into my good graces.
Video of the Day
This is my most favoritest video of the day.
To understand the comedy in this video you must have seen this wonderfully crafted piece of art by the incomparable Will I. AM
To understand the comedy in this video you must have seen this wonderfully crafted piece of art by the incomparable Will I. AM
Sean Enuff Daddy
I have no idea what this guy was talking about. I've ran before and it didn't turn me into a blithering retard.
Bye Bye Money Man
If there is a God, she must have heard my prayers and lamentations over my future girlfriend, Salma's impending nuptials.
Merry Christmas to me.
Going Straight For The Veep
Florida Governor Charlie Christ proposed to his girlfriend, New York socialite Carol Rome, last Thursday. He say the wedding date has not been set, but this Fall is looming as the most appropriate time to wed his beard.
What is a beard?
What is a beard? -
A beard is a woman that de-gays a man trying to conceal his love for penis.
-
Why this Fall?
-
So he can legitamize himself in the eyes of the jugdemental right. Swinging bachelors are not chaste in their eyes and neither are swinging bachelors with homosexual rumors bounding about.
Is this a move by Christ to ready himself for possible Veep-ship? Yes it is.
I am not going to try and out a guy, that is not my thing. But he obviously feels that if he is married he will be more Veep- worthy. Whether is he is gay or straight.
There have been rumors of homosexuality for years in Florida. There are even gay club owners that claim to have befriended Christ during his numerous trysts into their gay clubs.
AND HE WAS STILL VOTED GOV OF FLA.
So Floridians don't give a shit- and I commend them for that- why the fuck should the rest of the world care.
I guess we will never know if those rumors are true, or if he is bi, or if he was "cured" by some crazy Christian fundamentalist gay camp.
I also hope and pray that his "questioned" sexuality doesn't ever come into play- politically that is.
But I am hoping that he becomes the Veep, for the sheer McCain awkwardness potential if he does admit to "experimentation."
PS>This guy is too good looking at his age to be straight, seriously. Great tan, perfectly fitted suit, pristine etiquette, and distinguished gray hair....I am definitely getting a gay vibe from the Christ.
Dear Mica
This is why feet are the devil.Even pretty girls like Garner have hideous feet syndrome.
Feet are the Hilter of the body.
Mug Shot Heat
The only person in history that is hotter on her mug shot than she is in real life.
That has to hurt when your mug shot is an upgrade over your actual appearance. I thought the woman in the pic was cute and then I found out that is was Khloe Kard. I felt like less of a man, like I had to go flush the visual excrement from my cornea.
This was like being attracted to Female Lead singer on the Hansons only to find out it was a dude.
This was the tantamount to walking behind a long haired chick with a great ass, only to find out that long haired tight butt belonged to a man.
I feel gross. I was attracted to Khloe Kard for about 5 minutes. Puke
Masturbation Motivation
Rashida Jones- Masturbation Motivation-
How hot is this chick.
Plus she's Quincy Jones' daughter so she is musical royalty; she may be able to get me backstage passes to an Avril Levigne show.....I mean an Kanye West show. Wow, Freudian slip.
Musician of the Day
Kate Nash Musician of the day
She is a Brit- so that automatically makes her a respected musician.
She has also covered one of the Arctic Monkey's songs, so that also raises her musical quotient in my eyes.
Oh yeah, she also did a cover of The White Stripes's 7 Nation Army. Belle Musique
Jay Leno
DONTBECHI is blowin up.
One of them will be on Jay Leno forgetting Darth Vader's name.- Dick Cheney
Bloggers reporting on other bloggers, we have truly come full circle.
Next DanShanoff will report on the results of my church league b-ball game.
Or PerezHilton will put up a picture of me with a slutty looking pantyless blonde chick.
One of them will be on Jay Leno forgetting Darth Vader's name.- Dick Cheney
Bloggers reporting on other bloggers, we have truly come full circle.
Next DanShanoff will report on the results of my church league b-ball game.
Or PerezHilton will put up a picture of me with a slutty looking pantyless blonde chick.
Getting Bush'ed
110 more days until a new Prez. Thank God( if he exists that is...if he doesn't then Thank Obama)
Getting Drunker
Time- 5:31 am
Setting- My living room couch sitting at my desktop comp
I could not fall asleep since my last post- Why you ask; well I'll tell you why.
Because I did not try.
I have been typing and working on some work related projects and on some personal literary endeavors.
I thought it may be a good idea to drink a little tequila to ease my body's aches. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your vantage point), the aches in my bones have been replaced with alcohol in my blood.
I am a little drunk.
I feel like I should request a personal day from work in about 2 hours.
Typing while half high and fully drunk feels almost existential, but I don't want to tangentially go off on the meaning of life or how we are all one with nature.
I want to go off on how comfy it is sitting on a leather seat with out any clothes on.
I want to go off on how dunking your head in a sink full of water does zero in the way of sobering you up
I want to go off on the fact that living alone does not suck in the least bit, unless it is 5 in the morning and you hear funny noises and are unable to determine if the source of these funny noises is a homicidal maniac hiding in the closet or the suicidal marijuana related paranoia hiding in your cerebellum.
I want to type a 1200 hundred word rant imploring all of you to listen to The Kings of Leon, but I won't because then my favorite band would become your favorite band and that would in turn tarnish them in my eyes leaving me sans a favorite band.
I want to tell you that Patron is not that bad.
I want to ask anyone out there to pick me up a pizza, please.
I want to tell you that I wish I wasn't afraid of guns so I could shoot these fucking un-relenting birds outside of my window.
But I can't tell you those things because I have to either complete this field trip towards complete intoxication or take the high road and ready myself for an 8 hour day in corporate America.
Asta
Setting- My living room couch sitting at my desktop comp
I could not fall asleep since my last post- Why you ask; well I'll tell you why.
Because I did not try.
I have been typing and working on some work related projects and on some personal literary endeavors.
I thought it may be a good idea to drink a little tequila to ease my body's aches. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your vantage point), the aches in my bones have been replaced with alcohol in my blood.
I am a little drunk.
I feel like I should request a personal day from work in about 2 hours.
Typing while half high and fully drunk feels almost existential, but I don't want to tangentially go off on the meaning of life or how we are all one with nature.
I want to go off on how comfy it is sitting on a leather seat with out any clothes on.
I want to go off on how dunking your head in a sink full of water does zero in the way of sobering you up
I want to go off on the fact that living alone does not suck in the least bit, unless it is 5 in the morning and you hear funny noises and are unable to determine if the source of these funny noises is a homicidal maniac hiding in the closet or the suicidal marijuana related paranoia hiding in your cerebellum.
I want to type a 1200 hundred word rant imploring all of you to listen to The Kings of Leon, but I won't because then my favorite band would become your favorite band and that would in turn tarnish them in my eyes leaving me sans a favorite band.
I want to tell you that Patron is not that bad.
I want to ask anyone out there to pick me up a pizza, please.
I want to tell you that I wish I wasn't afraid of guns so I could shoot these fucking un-relenting birds outside of my window.
But I can't tell you those things because I have to either complete this field trip towards complete intoxication or take the high road and ready myself for an 8 hour day in corporate America.
Asta
Who's the Boss
I have already mentioned my female boss on this online journal many times. She is an attorney that is so attractive and imposing I get a fear boner when she enters the room.
She has a license to carry a concealed weapon.
I don't need a licence for my concealed weapon......get it......my penis.....Look you guys need to fuck off, some of my jokes will not work....it is currently 4:30 in the morning and I was awoken by the marching band playing in my head due to the crappy ass hash I smoked before I went to bed.........So to alleviate my pain I came here to type away in an effort to maintain dexterity of mind and body....lighten up
Where was I?
So this afternoon at lunch my boss and I were eating in my office as I put the finishing touches to a project I was working on. While I work I usually have I-tunes up and running. I have I-Tunes set to random, and randomly Ice Cube's Magnum Opus- It Was A Good Day, began to play. And guess who knew the words?
MY BOSS
I was blown away.
I didn't know if this made her hotter, but it definitely made her tougher than she had been. She is a conundrum.
She is as difficult to understand as bras that clasp in the front.
She is harder to read than a Hemingway novel....you know since Hemingway novels suck more balls than Paris Hilton on an off night.
I understand that I have a negative chance with this woman, but that is what makes my loins burn so incalescently for her.
She is so beyond unattainable that I may have to involve myself in some Faustian bargain in an effort to merely raise the odds in my pursuit of her vag.
Sometimes I think she realizes my infatuation and she keeps me employed just to torment me.
What if this is what hell feels like?
I am constantly faced with my greatest desire- Untouchable Pussy- and I can never get within a proverbial arm's length of it.
Damn it...I knew I shouldn't have told those Jehovah's witnesses to fuck off yesterday.
She has a license to carry a concealed weapon.
I don't need a licence for my concealed weapon......get it......my penis.....Look you guys need to fuck off, some of my jokes will not work....it is currently 4:30 in the morning and I was awoken by the marching band playing in my head due to the crappy ass hash I smoked before I went to bed.........So to alleviate my pain I came here to type away in an effort to maintain dexterity of mind and body....lighten up
Where was I?
So this afternoon at lunch my boss and I were eating in my office as I put the finishing touches to a project I was working on. While I work I usually have I-tunes up and running. I have I-Tunes set to random, and randomly Ice Cube's Magnum Opus- It Was A Good Day, began to play. And guess who knew the words?
MY BOSS
I was blown away.
I didn't know if this made her hotter, but it definitely made her tougher than she had been. She is a conundrum.
She is as difficult to understand as bras that clasp in the front.
She is harder to read than a Hemingway novel....you know since Hemingway novels suck more balls than Paris Hilton on an off night.
I understand that I have a negative chance with this woman, but that is what makes my loins burn so incalescently for her.
She is so beyond unattainable that I may have to involve myself in some Faustian bargain in an effort to merely raise the odds in my pursuit of her vag.
Sometimes I think she realizes my infatuation and she keeps me employed just to torment me.
What if this is what hell feels like?
I am constantly faced with my greatest desire- Untouchable Pussy- and I can never get within a proverbial arm's length of it.
Damn it...I knew I shouldn't have told those Jehovah's witnesses to fuck off yesterday.
Heidi Mc...Montag
You have got to be shitting me.In an attempt to pander to the youth vote John McCain's daughter Meghan (There is no "H" is Meagan) McCain has decided to become besties with none other than the last bastion of youthful promise- Heidi Montag.
McCain and his family are pandering to an ugly slut from a scripted MTV "reality" show.
McCain and his family are pandering to an ugly slut from a scripted MTV "reality" show.How did this campaign decision come about. Did McCain's campaign manager, Terry Nelson, recommend Heidi, and was she there first choice? Did they attempt to contact Miley Cyrus; and if they did, did she rebuff their attempts?
On top of his daughter hangin' with Montag, McCain has professed that he never misses an episode of The Hills.
Only in America can a snooty ass cunt from Laguna Beach California gain political clout due to her simply voice-ing her opinion about the impending election. 
SEXY AD
One of the sexiest ads ever....I can't wait to go to the GAP and buy some flat front chinos.
Dumb Governor
Why would Wolff Blitzer actually ask Gov. Sanford a question. He totally ambushed him.
If this guy along with a slew of many other can attain high positions in our government, why can't I.
I am now announcing my candidacy for political office in 10-15 years.
I have no idea what office or what state, but if I am not in a drug rehabilitation program by then I will be leading one of the States in this union.
If this guy along with a slew of many other can attain high positions in our government, why can't I.
I am now announcing my candidacy for political office in 10-15 years.
I have no idea what office or what state, but if I am not in a drug rehabilitation program by then I will be leading one of the States in this union.
Song of the Day
I just came across Juliette and The Kicks.
I dig 'em.
Plus she is sexy in a raunchy ass kicking way.
Here is an older vid of J. Lewis showing off her vocal chops on Conan's show.
Enjoy
I dig 'em.
Plus she is sexy in a raunchy ass kicking way.
Here is an older vid of J. Lewis showing off her vocal chops on Conan's show.
Enjoy
Throwback of the day
I know I am not alone in proclaiming love for this GAP commercial, along with other sing-a-long GAP ads.
I'm for sure going to Hell
Saturday was one of the most debilitating days and nights of my life. I was not only harmed physically, but I feel like I set myself up for a huge plush love seat in Hell.
I began drinking at about 3 in the afternoon at the beach. Sitting in the hot sun reading a book on JFK. For the members of the Michigan militia; JFK stands for John F. Kennedy, who happened to be the 35th president of these United States. So I was in a lawn chair on the shore drinking margaritas and sex on the beaches.
Side Note: I drink girly drinks, I can't help it. They are easy on the taste buds and the eyes.
After the beach bash we had dinner at a sushi place and I had a couple glasses of wine. I might have been drunk by this time but I didn't feel the burn of inebriation, I felt the burn of the sun. Drinking in the sun is like getting poked in the same spot for hours by a very weak person. The poke doesn't hurt initially, but the end result is probably a bruise. The sun had left me feeling battered.
Following the sushi I went home and put on some of the greatest clothes humanity has ever seen....I mean I just grabbed a handful of clothes from the "clean" pile in my room.
I drove out to the martini bar that my friends had already inhabited. I had a drink in my hand before my ass hit the seat. I had a lovely lady in my sights before I opened my mouth. This chick was dressed to the nines and had legs for days; which is why it hurt so bad when she rejected my advances.
I set my sights on another girl and tried to be low key about it. She wasn't feeling the keys I was playing. So the night took a turn I was prepared for, one devoid of sex and full or raucous intoxication.
So I kept drinking and drinking and drinking.
It was about 1 am and this guy who lives on a lake was having an after party so we decided to take off early, by some booze, and parlay the bar scene into a house party.
I hate leaving my car at the bar so I decided to drive to the house party. I decided to ride between two other cars, since I was fairly drunk; you know as a precaution. Safety first.
As we were getting our things together and paying off our outrageous tab this girl that was at our table asked if she could ride with me. Our table had about 15 people there, but I had assumed that she was taken or at the very least not taken aback by me; but she was.
"Yeah, you can ride with me, if you don't mind listening to The Grease soundtrack;" she didn't. So we took off.
She was laughing at everyone of my jokes and had even leaned over to my side of the car. I was drunk and so was she, but I began to get the feeling that she wanted to sow the seeds of love making. So to test her attraction level I decided to tell a horrible joke, and if she laughed at that then she was for sure into me, if not than I was being arrogant and presumptive as usual.
"Did you hear what that new pirate movie was rated?"
"No"
"It's rated Arrrrrrrrr"
She laughed her ass off, but I guess I couldn't blame her, that joke was a killer. We stopped at a light and she kissed me. The light turned green and she kept kissing me. Then she whispered for me to pull over, so I pulled over into the first parking lot my I saw.
I pulled to the back of the parking lot and we began to get hot and heavy. Then, unprovoked, she unzipped my pants and decided to say hello to my man parts.
I began drinking at about 3 in the afternoon at the beach. Sitting in the hot sun reading a book on JFK. For the members of the Michigan militia; JFK stands for John F. Kennedy, who happened to be the 35th president of these United States. So I was in a lawn chair on the shore drinking margaritas and sex on the beaches.
Side Note: I drink girly drinks, I can't help it. They are easy on the taste buds and the eyes.
After the beach bash we had dinner at a sushi place and I had a couple glasses of wine. I might have been drunk by this time but I didn't feel the burn of inebriation, I felt the burn of the sun. Drinking in the sun is like getting poked in the same spot for hours by a very weak person. The poke doesn't hurt initially, but the end result is probably a bruise. The sun had left me feeling battered.
Following the sushi I went home and put on some of the greatest clothes humanity has ever seen....I mean I just grabbed a handful of clothes from the "clean" pile in my room.
I drove out to the martini bar that my friends had already inhabited. I had a drink in my hand before my ass hit the seat. I had a lovely lady in my sights before I opened my mouth. This chick was dressed to the nines and had legs for days; which is why it hurt so bad when she rejected my advances.
I set my sights on another girl and tried to be low key about it. She wasn't feeling the keys I was playing. So the night took a turn I was prepared for, one devoid of sex and full or raucous intoxication.
So I kept drinking and drinking and drinking.
It was about 1 am and this guy who lives on a lake was having an after party so we decided to take off early, by some booze, and parlay the bar scene into a house party.
I hate leaving my car at the bar so I decided to drive to the house party. I decided to ride between two other cars, since I was fairly drunk; you know as a precaution. Safety first.
As we were getting our things together and paying off our outrageous tab this girl that was at our table asked if she could ride with me. Our table had about 15 people there, but I had assumed that she was taken or at the very least not taken aback by me; but she was.
"Yeah, you can ride with me, if you don't mind listening to The Grease soundtrack;" she didn't. So we took off.
She was laughing at everyone of my jokes and had even leaned over to my side of the car. I was drunk and so was she, but I began to get the feeling that she wanted to sow the seeds of love making. So to test her attraction level I decided to tell a horrible joke, and if she laughed at that then she was for sure into me, if not than I was being arrogant and presumptive as usual.
"Did you hear what that new pirate movie was rated?"
"No"
"It's rated Arrrrrrrrr"
She laughed her ass off, but I guess I couldn't blame her, that joke was a killer. We stopped at a light and she kissed me. The light turned green and she kept kissing me. Then she whispered for me to pull over, so I pulled over into the first parking lot my I saw.
I pulled to the back of the parking lot and we began to get hot and heavy. Then, unprovoked, she unzipped my pants and decided to say hello to my man parts.
Then on the radio Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven began to play. That may be the worst song of all time to get skully to, so I turned the Grease soundtrack back on.
Once the "job" was over I zipped up and pulled out of the parking lot. As I was taking a right onto Main Street I noticed that the building adjacent to the parking lot was a church.
A church.
I had just gotten a blow job in a church parking lot.
Hello, Satan, I'm sure we'll be meeting real soon.
I ended up getting to the lake house with out any other incidents, sexual or otherwise. I kept drinking and blacked out for about 3 hours.
I lost 3 hours of my life.
I woke up Sunday morning and for all I know I could have been abducted my aliens along with the hillbilly's and hicks that usually get abducted.
Sunday became CSI: SEXY EINSTEIN. I had to use all my deductive reasoning to piece together 3 hours of my life. It was a scary and exciting task. It was like running with the bulls in Pamplona.
So my weekend consisted of blacking out, getting a blowjob, pissing of God (if he exists), and playing the role of lead investigator in my own mystery case.
I would have to say I broke even for the weekend.
Holy Blitt
If y'all haven't heard about or seen the cover of the New Yorker, then ta-da.
It's not satire if it's accurate:
Surprisingly I am not mad about this cover. I think it is satirical. I also don't think it will change any opinions. I think those that believe Obama is a Muslim terrorist spy will see the smallest action as a support of Al-Qaeda. Like for example a fist bump that all of a sudden means "The bombs have cleared sector 12." The people with a modicum of common sense will not have a magazine cover sway their opinion's either way.
Obama supporters, like me have two choices- brush away or get way too pissed off. I will not fault someone for going ballistic, but Barry Blitt is known for toeing the line between funny and "holy shit, he did not just do that." Let's take a look at other Barry Blitt New Yorker covers.
Funny and not too controversial; unless of course Obama was inserted when the phone rang:
It's not satire if it's accurate:
If Clinton's cock could actually speak, it would garner higher ratings than a talk show co-hosted by Oprah and Ellen.
My favorite, and Blitt's most contro...well until now:
I do have one caveat to throw into my argument. I hope that Blitt does a McCain cover portraying Johnny Mac wearing crocs(thanks DONTBECHI) in a nursing home' eating apple sauce during his inauguration.
Fair is fair.
OBAMA & EMINEM???????????????????
I had a speaking engagement the other night at a reputable institution of higher learning. This University is predominantly liberal so in an attempt to become one with the brethren I smoked an ample amount of marijuana upon my arrival on campus. I walked into the student union and gave my speech to about 200 students.
Side Note: This was a rather large group of students, and about 10 to 15 were there to see me. The remaining 180 students were there simply to enjoy the free pizza and pop.
Back to the story
After finishing my speech I ran into some acquaintances that are working towards there Doctorate’s in psychology- so naturally we went back to there apartment and smoked more pot that I had inhaled in months. This group was full of highly intelligent individuals- save for me- so the conversations were rather heady.
The impending presidential election reared its ugly head and one random hippy stated that no matter how the election would end up this Obama phenomenon has been unprecedented.
I was stoned- so maybe my judgment was skewed- but I claimed that Obama’s rise has not been unparalleled and actually has some parallels to the rise of Eminem.
Please remember that I was higher than I had been in a very long time, I was a balloon with far too much hot air. I was so high that my stomach was roaring like Simba, but I was far too lazy to even come to a decision as to what munchie I wanted to munch upon.
So for shits and giggles I am going attempt to validate that claim. A quick caveat before I embark upon this highly ill fated literary journey. I really do believe Obama’s campaign is unprecedented- but just like my college debate team coach used to tell me (Yeah I was on the debate team and still got laid; like a young Stephen A. Douglas but with better hair- amazing) “You must support the position you are assigned, even if the position is antithetical to your core beliefs.” So here goes.
OBAMA & EMINEM
The easiest comparison to make is that of minorities coming to power in a field dominated by the majority. A black politician becoming the leader of the Democratic party- let alone the chance of actually becoming the next prez and leader of the free world is borderline unbelievable. Eminem’s ascent as a white m.c. in an industry dominated by black mc’s is fairly incredible in its own right. They are both Jay Z fans and have turned the majority of frat boys into salivating fanatics of their's.
AL SHARPTON & VANILLA ICE
We’ll start with those that preceded our protagonists. Those individuals that did not pave the road, but helped to erect road blocks for those wishing to follow in their footsteps include Vanilla Ice and Rev. Al Sharpton. Ice helped to turn White rappers into pariah's of the game. Sharpton was the last African-American presidential nominee and his campaign was sponsored by Barnum and Bailey due to his campaign serving as a side show to the actual election at hand.
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT & DEBBIE MATHERS
Like Rev Wright, Mama Mathers was pivotal to the growth and development of Em. Once Em achieved a modicum of success she became a parasite attempting to suck the life out of his veins. Rev. Wright was a pseudo father figure for Obama and once Obama was nearing the pinnacle Wright became more liability than asset. Ties to both have been severed: so much for unconditional love.
ALAN KEYES & UNKNOWN RAPPER CAGE
Alan Keyes was sent by the Republican Party as an answer to this African-American Wunderkind from the Democratic Party named Obama. Keyes was not even from Illinois and had never actually lived in Illinois (he just came to fill in after fellow Republican Jack Ryan was forced to withdraw due his involvement in orgies (I actually may have voted for Ryan in lieu of Obama (I wonder if I am nearing a record for intertwined parenthesis))). Keyes claimed that Jesus Christ himself would vote against Obama, and in Uncle Tom fashion he supported the Reagan administration in its opposition to sanctions being imposed upon the racist apartheid pushing government of S. Africa. Keyes also thinks all homosexuals are hell bound- even his lesbian daughter- for shame Alan Keyes, for shame. Cage was white rapper that tried to ride the coattails of Eminem. Cage at one point was supported by Suge Knight and in a retaliatory attempt to hurt Dr. Dre. and Eminem. Suge thought that skin color was the reason for America’s fascination with Eminem, not the lyrics or actual musical talent. Cage and Keyes did prove that Obama and Eminem weren't successful due their races, they were successful due to their merit.
HILLARY CLINTON & KIM MATHERS
These two women have been both adversaries and allies to Obama and Eminem. Eminem and Kim have battled for years until Eminem reached the pinnacle of his career and they worked through their differences in an attempt to forge a lasting and successful union. Like Kim and Em, Hillary and Barack have battled and torn each other new assholes in the media, yet now that Obama is at the pantheon's door step he and Hillary are attempting a reconciliation in a bid to create a lasting and successful Democratic union. Both women have serious addiction issues- Kim has been addicted to smack and Hillary is a glutton for infidelity since she chooses to remain a Clinton. Plus they both have terrible hair and huge ankles.
SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY & DR. DRE
Dr. Dre is the living embodiment of what hip hop was in its hey day and what heights it could still achieve. Kennedy is royalty through and through; as the senior member of the clan from Camelot, Edward represents the old guard of the liberal party. Neither man needed to stick his neck out for an unknown, but they both did; and they both showed that their judgment of talent is as refined as their own abilities have already proven to be. Senator Ted Kennedy went against the Clinton machine and backed the man that reminded him of his late great brother Jack. Dre discovered and produced Eminem's first album and in doing so turned a white boy from the trailer park on 8 mile into hip hop royalty.
JOHHNY MAC & BENZINO
McCain and Benzino serve as the antagonists to our leading men. McCain and his feeling of entitlement stands in the way of Obama. Benzino and his jealousy attempted to derail the Eminem train. McCain is the head- figure and actual- of the Republican party. Benzino was the head of one of hip hop's classic publication's; The Source. Neither man was/is fully respected by their associates. Benzino's readers did not agree with his stance and McCain's fellow conservatives have had a hard time cuddling up to the increasingly abrasive McCain.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ok, my argument is over. Hopefully I created some conversational fodder for your water coolers. I am now going to read excerpts from Obama's recent fundraising event, but instead of silence in the background- The Slim Shady LP will be on.
Side Note: This was a rather large group of students, and about 10 to 15 were there to see me. The remaining 180 students were there simply to enjoy the free pizza and pop.
Back to the story
After finishing my speech I ran into some acquaintances that are working towards there Doctorate’s in psychology- so naturally we went back to there apartment and smoked more pot that I had inhaled in months. This group was full of highly intelligent individuals- save for me- so the conversations were rather heady.
The impending presidential election reared its ugly head and one random hippy stated that no matter how the election would end up this Obama phenomenon has been unprecedented.
I was stoned- so maybe my judgment was skewed- but I claimed that Obama’s rise has not been unparalleled and actually has some parallels to the rise of Eminem.
Please remember that I was higher than I had been in a very long time, I was a balloon with far too much hot air. I was so high that my stomach was roaring like Simba, but I was far too lazy to even come to a decision as to what munchie I wanted to munch upon.
So for shits and giggles I am going attempt to validate that claim. A quick caveat before I embark upon this highly ill fated literary journey. I really do believe Obama’s campaign is unprecedented- but just like my college debate team coach used to tell me (Yeah I was on the debate team and still got laid; like a young Stephen A. Douglas but with better hair- amazing) “You must support the position you are assigned, even if the position is antithetical to your core beliefs.” So here goes.
OBAMA & EMINEM
The easiest comparison to make is that of minorities coming to power in a field dominated by the majority. A black politician becoming the leader of the Democratic party- let alone the chance of actually becoming the next prez and leader of the free world is borderline unbelievable. Eminem’s ascent as a white m.c. in an industry dominated by black mc’s is fairly incredible in its own right. They are both Jay Z fans and have turned the majority of frat boys into salivating fanatics of their's.
AL SHARPTON & VANILLA ICE
We’ll start with those that preceded our protagonists. Those individuals that did not pave the road, but helped to erect road blocks for those wishing to follow in their footsteps include Vanilla Ice and Rev. Al Sharpton. Ice helped to turn White rappers into pariah's of the game. Sharpton was the last African-American presidential nominee and his campaign was sponsored by Barnum and Bailey due to his campaign serving as a side show to the actual election at hand.
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT & DEBBIE MATHERS
Like Rev Wright, Mama Mathers was pivotal to the growth and development of Em. Once Em achieved a modicum of success she became a parasite attempting to suck the life out of his veins. Rev. Wright was a pseudo father figure for Obama and once Obama was nearing the pinnacle Wright became more liability than asset. Ties to both have been severed: so much for unconditional love.
ALAN KEYES & UNKNOWN RAPPER CAGE
Alan Keyes was sent by the Republican Party as an answer to this African-American Wunderkind from the Democratic Party named Obama. Keyes was not even from Illinois and had never actually lived in Illinois (he just came to fill in after fellow Republican Jack Ryan was forced to withdraw due his involvement in orgies (I actually may have voted for Ryan in lieu of Obama (I wonder if I am nearing a record for intertwined parenthesis))). Keyes claimed that Jesus Christ himself would vote against Obama, and in Uncle Tom fashion he supported the Reagan administration in its opposition to sanctions being imposed upon the racist apartheid pushing government of S. Africa. Keyes also thinks all homosexuals are hell bound- even his lesbian daughter- for shame Alan Keyes, for shame. Cage was white rapper that tried to ride the coattails of Eminem. Cage at one point was supported by Suge Knight and in a retaliatory attempt to hurt Dr. Dre. and Eminem. Suge thought that skin color was the reason for America’s fascination with Eminem, not the lyrics or actual musical talent. Cage and Keyes did prove that Obama and Eminem weren't successful due their races, they were successful due to their merit.
HILLARY CLINTON & KIM MATHERS
These two women have been both adversaries and allies to Obama and Eminem. Eminem and Kim have battled for years until Eminem reached the pinnacle of his career and they worked through their differences in an attempt to forge a lasting and successful union. Like Kim and Em, Hillary and Barack have battled and torn each other new assholes in the media, yet now that Obama is at the pantheon's door step he and Hillary are attempting a reconciliation in a bid to create a lasting and successful Democratic union. Both women have serious addiction issues- Kim has been addicted to smack and Hillary is a glutton for infidelity since she chooses to remain a Clinton. Plus they both have terrible hair and huge ankles.
SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY & DR. DRE
Dr. Dre is the living embodiment of what hip hop was in its hey day and what heights it could still achieve. Kennedy is royalty through and through; as the senior member of the clan from Camelot, Edward represents the old guard of the liberal party. Neither man needed to stick his neck out for an unknown, but they both did; and they both showed that their judgment of talent is as refined as their own abilities have already proven to be. Senator Ted Kennedy went against the Clinton machine and backed the man that reminded him of his late great brother Jack. Dre discovered and produced Eminem's first album and in doing so turned a white boy from the trailer park on 8 mile into hip hop royalty.
JOHHNY MAC & BENZINO
McCain and Benzino serve as the antagonists to our leading men. McCain and his feeling of entitlement stands in the way of Obama. Benzino and his jealousy attempted to derail the Eminem train. McCain is the head- figure and actual- of the Republican party. Benzino was the head of one of hip hop's classic publication's; The Source. Neither man was/is fully respected by their associates. Benzino's readers did not agree with his stance and McCain's fellow conservatives have had a hard time cuddling up to the increasingly abrasive McCain.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ok, my argument is over. Hopefully I created some conversational fodder for your water coolers. I am now going to read excerpts from Obama's recent fundraising event, but instead of silence in the background- The Slim Shady LP will be on.
Bankrupt
Michael Vick declared bankruptcy as did the clothing company Steve and Barry's.
So apparently dog fighting and selling 10 dollar Starbury's are not the most profitable industries to become involved in.
Y'all may not see a link, but I do. The Starbury's were so cheap because the leather used in the shoes came from Michael Vick's deceased fighting dog's.
Ouch, did I go too far with that joke? NO
So it was manifest destiny for Steve, Barry, and Vick to claim bankruptcy on the same day.
Side Note: I really wish we could have seen an episode of the Dog Whisperer take place at the Vick compound. I feel like Caesar Milan would have gutted Vick like a fish in about 3 seconds. I was a huge Vick fan back in the day, but he has become one of the most reviled figures on the American landscape. He is so reprehensible that once he gets out I feel he may get a condo with O.J. and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Speaking of Iranian president and holocaust denier, SNL's Andy Sandberg has dedicated a beautiful song to the extremely homophobic Ahmadinjasjklhasdflghwergagd.
Side Note: I feel like this song would actually do well on the shiteous pop charts that feature the likes of Hannah Montana and the Jonas Bros.
Wow, this post started with bankruptcy and ended with a homoerotic spoof involving the new anti-Christ.
You can call me The Tangent King, which is exactly like Jim Morrison's lizard king except it doesn't make me want to suck off Jimi Hendrix.
So apparently dog fighting and selling 10 dollar Starbury's are not the most profitable industries to become involved in.
Y'all may not see a link, but I do. The Starbury's were so cheap because the leather used in the shoes came from Michael Vick's deceased fighting dog's.
Ouch, did I go too far with that joke? NO
So it was manifest destiny for Steve, Barry, and Vick to claim bankruptcy on the same day.
Side Note: I really wish we could have seen an episode of the Dog Whisperer take place at the Vick compound. I feel like Caesar Milan would have gutted Vick like a fish in about 3 seconds. I was a huge Vick fan back in the day, but he has become one of the most reviled figures on the American landscape. He is so reprehensible that once he gets out I feel he may get a condo with O.J. and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Speaking of Iranian president and holocaust denier, SNL's Andy Sandberg has dedicated a beautiful song to the extremely homophobic Ahmadinjasjklhasdflghwergagd.
Side Note: I feel like this song would actually do well on the shiteous pop charts that feature the likes of Hannah Montana and the Jonas Bros.
Wow, this post started with bankruptcy and ended with a homoerotic spoof involving the new anti-Christ.
You can call me The Tangent King, which is exactly like Jim Morrison's lizard king except it doesn't make me want to suck off Jimi Hendrix.
McSquirm
Watch Johnny Mac squirm to such a high degree that his depends must have been soiled by the end of the question and answer session.
I don't think this issue has the gravitas of the economic or foreign policy issues; but it is an issue none the less. And it is hilarious due to McCain literally- not figuratively- trying to crawl out of his own skin- Houdini would have been proud at this attempted escape.
I don't think this issue has the gravitas of the economic or foreign policy issues; but it is an issue none the less. And it is hilarious due to McCain literally- not figuratively- trying to crawl out of his own skin- Houdini would have been proud at this attempted escape.
Handicapped Crapper
We stayed at this small villa/cottage in Manchester and I made a complete fool of myself.
The washrooms were all in a separate wing of the cottage. I walked down one morning to take a shower and ready myself for the day and all of the showers were occupied....all except for the handicapped washroom.
The handicapped washroom is the Shangri-la of washrooms at this villa. Private toilet, private sink, and private shower.
Heaven.
I think you can all see where this is going.
As I was shaving I heard voices outside of the bathroom door.
"Someone is in there honey, we'll just wait"
I considered jumping out of the window, but in England windows are too small for human bodies.
I though about walking out the door with a limp, or feeling my way around the walls as if I were devoid of sight.
I could pretend to be completely deaf, yep, that is exactly what I was going to do.
Back to reality: I packed my shit up as quickly as possible and scurried past the kid in the wheelchair like I had forgotten to wipe.
Stupid Sexy Einstein.
The washrooms were all in a separate wing of the cottage. I walked down one morning to take a shower and ready myself for the day and all of the showers were occupied....all except for the handicapped washroom.
The handicapped washroom is the Shangri-la of washrooms at this villa. Private toilet, private sink, and private shower.
Heaven.
I think you can all see where this is going.
As I was shaving I heard voices outside of the bathroom door.
"Someone is in there honey, we'll just wait"
I considered jumping out of the window, but in England windows are too small for human bodies.
I though about walking out the door with a limp, or feeling my way around the walls as if I were devoid of sight.
I could pretend to be completely deaf, yep, that is exactly what I was going to do.
Back to reality: I packed my shit up as quickly as possible and scurried past the kid in the wheelchair like I had forgotten to wipe.
Stupid Sexy Einstein.
I'm Back
Sorry, my London trip was way too wild and time consuming for me to keep up with all of my 23 readers. But you get what you pay for, and since I am paid zero dollars you should be thankful.
A quick story to get y'all back into the flow of my life.
I had to work with maybe the most disgusting human being I have ever met.
Every fiber of his being is completely diametrically opposed to the fibers of my being.
I can handle differing viewpoints and personalities, but this guy was appalling.
Let's focus on his diet for now.
We stopped at McDonald's and he dipped his french fries into vanilla ice cream.
At breakfast he poured gravy over everything on his plate-everything. The eggs, the bacon, the rolls, the bagels; - and once he completed his breakfast he drank all the excess gravy.
He would throw about 5 oreos into a glass of Dr. Pepper and drink it.
While we were up late one night working he would do shots of syrup.
I lost weight because I lost my appetite every time we were together.
A quick story to get y'all back into the flow of my life.
I had to work with maybe the most disgusting human being I have ever met.
Every fiber of his being is completely diametrically opposed to the fibers of my being.
I can handle differing viewpoints and personalities, but this guy was appalling.
Let's focus on his diet for now.
We stopped at McDonald's and he dipped his french fries into vanilla ice cream.
At breakfast he poured gravy over everything on his plate-everything. The eggs, the bacon, the rolls, the bagels; - and once he completed his breakfast he drank all the excess gravy.
He would throw about 5 oreos into a glass of Dr. Pepper and drink it.
While we were up late one night working he would do shots of syrup.
I lost weight because I lost my appetite every time we were together.
Ex Factor
The ex factor (ex-girlfriend) came over last night. It was a tad bit unexpected, like a hurricane, or a faulty breakline. I don't have much time to discuss her, for two reasons. Reason one is becasue I have to catch my flight to LONDON. Hecks yeah.
The second reason I can't talk about her is due to the fact that she is sitting on my couch. I feel sort of held hostage in my own home.
I still have to go by rubbers prior to my flight. I know England has condoms, but I only buy American.
Gotta go kick out an unwanted guest.
PS> I think she isn't leaving because I totally banged her last night. Sorry I'm weak.
The second reason I can't talk about her is due to the fact that she is sitting on my couch. I feel sort of held hostage in my own home.
I still have to go by rubbers prior to my flight. I know England has condoms, but I only buy American.
Gotta go kick out an unwanted guest.
PS> I think she isn't leaving because I totally banged her last night. Sorry I'm weak.
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