I began drinking at about 3 in the afternoon at the beach. Sitting in the hot sun reading a book on JFK. For the members of the Michigan militia; JFK stands for John F. Kennedy, who happened to be the 35th president of these United States. So I was in a lawn chair on the shore drinking margaritas and sex on the beaches.
Side Note: I drink girly drinks, I can't help it. They are easy on the taste buds and the eyes.
After the beach bash we had dinner at a sushi place and I had a couple glasses of wine. I might have been drunk by this time but I didn't feel the burn of inebriation, I felt the burn of the sun. Drinking in the sun is like getting poked in the same spot for hours by a very weak person. The poke doesn't hurt initially, but the end result is probably a bruise. The sun had left me feeling battered.
Following the sushi I went home and put on some of the greatest clothes humanity has ever seen....I mean I just grabbed a handful of clothes from the "clean" pile in my room.
I drove out to the martini bar that my friends had already inhabited. I had a drink in my hand before my ass hit the seat. I had a lovely lady in my sights before I opened my mouth. This chick was dressed to the nines and had legs for days; which is why it hurt so bad when she rejected my advances.
I set my sights on another girl and tried to be low key about it. She wasn't feeling the keys I was playing. So the night took a turn I was prepared for, one devoid of sex and full or raucous intoxication.
So I kept drinking and drinking and drinking.
It was about 1 am and this guy who lives on a lake was having an after party so we decided to take off early, by some booze, and parlay the bar scene into a house party.
I hate leaving my car at the bar so I decided to drive to the house party. I decided to ride between two other cars, since I was fairly drunk; you know as a precaution. Safety first.
As we were getting our things together and paying off our outrageous tab this girl that was at our table asked if she could ride with me. Our table had about 15 people there, but I had assumed that she was taken or at the very least not taken aback by me; but she was.
"Yeah, you can ride with me, if you don't mind listening to The Grease soundtrack;" she didn't. So we took off.
She was laughing at everyone of my jokes and had even leaned over to my side of the car. I was drunk and so was she, but I began to get the feeling that she wanted to sow the seeds of love making. So to test her attraction level I decided to tell a horrible joke, and if she laughed at that then she was for sure into me, if not than I was being arrogant and presumptive as usual.
"Did you hear what that new pirate movie was rated?"
"No"
"It's rated Arrrrrrrrr"
She laughed her ass off, but I guess I couldn't blame her, that joke was a killer. We stopped at a light and she kissed me. The light turned green and she kept kissing me. Then she whispered for me to pull over, so I pulled over into the first parking lot my I saw.
I pulled to the back of the parking lot and we began to get hot and heavy. Then, unprovoked, she unzipped my pants and decided to say hello to my man parts.
Then on the radio Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven began to play. That may be the worst song of all time to get skully to, so I turned the Grease soundtrack back on.
Once the "job" was over I zipped up and pulled out of the parking lot. As I was taking a right onto Main Street I noticed that the building adjacent to the parking lot was a church.
A church.
I had just gotten a blow job in a church parking lot.
Hello, Satan, I'm sure we'll be meeting real soon.
I ended up getting to the lake house with out any other incidents, sexual or otherwise. I kept drinking and blacked out for about 3 hours.
I lost 3 hours of my life.
I woke up Sunday morning and for all I know I could have been abducted my aliens along with the hillbilly's and hicks that usually get abducted.
Sunday became CSI: SEXY EINSTEIN. I had to use all my deductive reasoning to piece together 3 hours of my life. It was a scary and exciting task. It was like running with the bulls in Pamplona.
So my weekend consisted of blacking out, getting a blowjob, pissing of God (if he exists), and playing the role of lead investigator in my own mystery case.
I would have to say I broke even for the weekend.
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