As of late I have noticed her complimenting my looks and how attractive my potential child would be. While that is not in question, the part that is troubling is why she would be concerned with the potential looks of my spawn. She told me she had always wanted to be a mother and after the age of 35 her chances to conceive diminish considerably.
I could hear her biological clock tick away, counting down until her baby maker went bad. The expiration date of her vag was coming fast, and I may have to pay for it.
We use condoms, on occasion. She tells me that she is on the pill and takes it very morning before work. The last couple of times she has spent the night I swear she popped in a chicklet rather than a birth control pill. She also tells me that she hates the pill and that she only takes it to regulate her blood cycle, but lately her periods have been off kilter. So I believe that this is a giant ruse aimed to get my sperm to infiltrate her egg.
Side Note: I had all my vital information tattooed onto the bottom of my foot in case I was to die because of Elvira. She is attractive but I am genuinely afraid of her. I have had nightmares of me dying at her hands.
Ohh yeah, she told me that if she ever had a baby she would want an attractive man that would want nothing to do with the child. Oh my god, that is me, to a tee.
Fast forward to Friday night; which was our most recent sexual encounter. She came over and I was pretty well inebriated by 8:30; her arrival time. I may have neglected to tell you, but when I am not at work, at a work function, or having sex; I am either hopped up on pain pills or hammered beyond recognition; or if I am lucky a little of both.
She wanted to have sex, and I tried to say no, but she can put her whole fist into her mouth. How am I expected to turn away, how could I say no?
We proceeded to get naked, watch the news, and then have sex. We both love our bodies; we are two very egotistical peas in a narcissistic pod. Did I mention that I was completely shit-faced.
Side Note: I tried to put a condom on....but she told me she liked it raw....she actually said those words...how could I not grant her wishes, god I am a weak weak man.
She was riding me and I could not ejac. Too drunk for my urethra to expel semen from my penis. A case of alcoholism that prevents ejaculation is almost as bad a being too drunk to get a hard on. No semen is bad, but not as bad as a limp bizkit.
Side Note: If Fred Durst ever had a "limp bizkit, do you think he would look at it and yell- "IT'S LIMP BIZKIT." Fred Durst with a limp bizkit would be the most literal shit ever....ok back to the story.
This was taking forever, so I began to pretend she was someone else. Oh no he didn’t…Oh yes I did.
Ohh Giovanna Civitillo.....too unknown
My baby Sophia Loren......too old....hot....but way too old
The Alba, yeah, this will work for sure......oh no isn't she pregnant, fuck, pregnancy is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. Dreaming of a pregnant hottie while avoiding impregnating a hottie is just an exercize in incompetance.
Too bad none of those lovely faces in my mind’s eye worked. I still could not cum. I tried to fake an orgasm but she called me on it.
If you quit on me I am goin to take one of your balls home with me.
Yes Ma’am.
The television was still on, thank the lord. So I situated myself into a position where I could at least watch “The Golden Girls” while I was not cumming.
Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant.
And if you through a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend
God I love that song, but the lovely Golden Girls did not help my current conundrum.
Still no semen.
I began to hallucinate. The human spirit can overcome most obstacles but I am not sure this was one of them. I am going to die, I envisioned myself attending the morbidity and mortality conference discussing my own death, discussing how I could die of boredom while having sex.
Then she brought me back from my “trip” with a slap to the face. Yes, she hits me during sex.
Then it happened. The Phoenix had risen from the ashes of my loins only to expel a wave of semen with such brute force that Elvira was thrown off of me and onto the floor. There was semen everywhere, but the most important part is that almost none of it was inside of her. And the semen that was inside of her could not have survived the thrashing they took on there way out.
As I applied Neosporin to my now raw and morose member and tried to figure out a way to end my affiliation with Elvira.
I walked out of the bathroom and she was gone, my window was open and she was nowhere to be seen. Van Helsing’s daughter had fled the scene of her latest crime, and I was left with nothing but a sore penis and a heavy conscious. Frick.
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