Sex in the Dark

Sex in the dark can be scary. Things get bumped into. The wrong areas maybe fondled, pain inducing instead of ohhh baby, ohhh ohhh yeah , pleasure inducing. Sex in the dark is safe, not just for women, but in this case, the sex was light less because of the woman.

I knew this lovely young lady, who is 5 years my junior, which makes Einstein 25 and The Slut 20. Cradle robber, I am the Jesse James of the vagina game….did you get it, it was a joke from the wild wild west, I call it a wild wild joke, hmmmmmmmm in print that doesn’t come off as humorous as it did in gray matter (my brain)- puke.

So back to The Slut, I knew The Slut from The Sushi Place I eat The Dinner twice a week. I flirted with her by of course asking dumb questions about sushi, oh and this is a good one, I flirted the shit outta her when instead of tipping her 15% or even 20% I thought I could be a balla and tip her a whopping 50%, holla. Yea I fell into the dreaded Hooter’s Trap, create rapport, smile, bend over a little, seduce horny naïve patron into tipping like the Titanic in an attempt to get Hooter’s girl to love you….never works, I know, God do I know.

So after my repeated attempts failed I decided to introduce her to my foot long penis and sex followed instantly, boo-ya. Soooooooo………that never happened, that was actually taking place in the pornographic movie my eyes were fixated upon as I tried to type. Well ok I will do it, just this time, porno paused, blogo un-paused (Still haven’t called it a “blog” yet, and blogo does not count).

In reality I introduced myself after she initiated conversation by telling me that I showed up at The Sushi Place a lot. I told her the food was ok, but I came for the service.
How smooth was that, playa playa , but I felt bad because the food was the shit, I am telling you this sushi makes B-B-B-Benny and the Jets rejoice, and harmonize in a way few women can.

So The Slut and I struck up a friendship, and by friendship I mean, she thought we were friends and I thought, how can I plow through this chick, ahhhhhhhh friendship. So I took her out to dinner a long time ago

Side Note:
I am a douche sometimes, I am very aware, and this is evidence supporting the case for my douche baggery, I took her to the very place she works………did I mention that the sushi is the su-shit. Ummmmmmm, hold on I have to plunge my penis into a bucket of ice water, due to my sushi boner. Aaaaaaaaaaaand I’m back

So after that dinner a long time ago, I kissed her and then blew her off a tad bit. If you make a woman think that your time with her was ok, not great they will like you more, but only after date 1, after that, well after that I have no effing idea.

So fast forward to a couple nights ago.

The Slut waited on me at The Sushi Place and then I asked if she would like to come over and watch a movie, I wanna Fuck. Maybe we could rent 3:10 to Yuma, not a great date movie, I want your panties on the floor. Or we could get ice cream, please let me bang you.
So we watched 3:10 to Yuma which is as datey of a movie as Passion of The Christ is. The Slut cried, damn you Russell Crowe. Need to squelch tears. So I made fun of her for crying, damn you 3rd grade Einstein, stop pushing down the girl you like.

So we spent the night together and I just- puke in my mouth- held her. Ok tough guy role over, I liked holding her, cuddling, as befuddling as it may be, is not as egregious an act as many men make it out to be. So I held her and snored into her petite little ear all night long. her whole body was petite not just her ear, otherwise she would have been a circus freak, and that ain't bringing sexy back, whatever.

Then in the morning she woke up. What woke her up you may ask……..I’ll tell you, breakfast bitches, breakfast made by yours truly, eggs, English muffins, orange juice, and a coffee from Malaysia. After we ate, we fucked. Sex is the breakfast of championship gladiators.
We kissed from the kitchen to the bedroom. Great kisser. I was naked and she was in her unmentionables, which I just mentioned, wow body of the year.

Time The Fuck Out

She is a great kisser, she didn’t mind my snores, she cuddles well, her body is the cat’s meow, and she,…..wait for it……..is bendy……Maybe I should date her. She seemed hard to get and did I mention her hair flowed like exuberant waterfalls in Babylon.

We laid together in my bed.

Do you have condoms

Yes, yes I do

Can you shut the door and the blinds completely, I am shy, I prefer the dark.

Yes, wow, lascivious and humble, jackpot, Banker I would like to take this deal.

So light was eliminated, Day of Judgement style, we began and it didn’t end for a while. We were good, our bodies like the final two pieces to a 1000 piece puzzle. A puzzle, a puzzle we completed, coincidentally the 1000 piece puzzle was of two people having sex, but go with me here.

She was breathing deep, whispering into my ear, scratching my back (not too hard because I bleed easily), and then I had a judgement to make. As she gripped the back of my head in one hand and my hip with the other, in between breathy shrieks of ecstasy, she yelled out a name. If it had been my name I would have typed- she yelled out my name, but she didn’t. She yelled out another man's name. I froze. Tag my toe, because cadaver is what I was at that exact, ughhhhhhhhh just reliving the moment through words is harrowing.

Sex in the dark can be scary, especially when it brings illumination to your flawed judgement. So this lovely, unattainable woman became The Slut, and we will never date, or have sex again………but at least the sushi still tastes the same.