Live Oscar Journal

Everyone does a live journal type thing. So here is my ill-fated attempt at a live diary of the Oscars. Proceed, if you dare…I’m just kidding come in.

8:40 Ok so maybe they already started but what did I miss some funny politico jokes, nothing new Jon Stewart. I already watch The Daily Show. Oh wait here they come, yippy politico jokes.
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8:44 Jon Stewart just announced that these Oscars were “Green,” this must mean Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson have arrived. Ahh Haa
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8:45 Jennifer Garner is presenting the award for costume design which means nothing to me, so I will just continue to stare at her while remaining completely oblivious to her words. She is looking spectacular by the way; and I am not that big a fan. Some Emo won for costume design, how appropriate. I think that may be my 8th grade art teacher.
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8:48 A video of Barbara Streisand 30 years ago….yup she’s was just as ugly then as she is now.
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8:49 I am already feenin for some coffee….I may not make it through this entire telecast. This is becoming a war of attrition.
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8:49 Right on cue a Yukon commercial imploring me to “never say never.” Yes sir. I will make it through this telecast; I don’t want to buy a car but I am inspired.
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8:50 George Clooney is on stage…I am jealous of his face. Oooh goody a montage of the last
80 years of Oscar. Clooney and a montage, this is an incongruous pairing. I thought the writer’s strike was over, what’s the deal with this bullshit ass montage. The montage did remind me of how funny Johnny Carson was and how handsome young thin Russell Crowe was.
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8:54 Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway are presenting the award for best animated movie. Ratatouille will win, why? Because it’s the only one I’ve ever heard of. The French cartoon looks cool though, I would definitely watch it if I was on acid. That would be off the chain…now my plans for Friday night are set. I am not sure if I think Anne Hathaway is hot or just cute, I am going with just cute until further notice. Ratatouille wins; I am now 1 for 1…I don’t care about this winner so I am going to get some coffee.
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8:59 Katherine Heigl looks great. But I am annoyed with her. Two years ago she was underrated and now she is overrated. She is giving out the award for best makeup…she should get it, sexy lady.
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9:02 Oh no a song from “Enchanted.” I have tried at all costs to avoid this movie, and I have failed. Frick
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9:05 Michael Douglas and Zeta-Jones are on my TV. I know she gets a lot of shit for grave robbing (is that a term) but it’s not like he’s Gary Busey. She is so sexy that I would definitely lick her asshole if she asked.
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9:10 FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO THE OSCARS. His chest is bigger than Jon Stewart’s body. When do they get to the good awards?
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9:13 Kate Blanchett and more boring awards….jeesh she has gotten fat.
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9:17 More montages, I zoned off for a moment and don’t know if this is the “deceased” montage or just a montage for the sake of montaging. Oh shit Jon Stewart used a joke I made earlier, we are on the same wavelength. Cuba Gooding Jr. was in the montage….where for art though career Cuba.
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9:18 Jennifer Hudson, is presenting best supporting actor, this has to go to Anton Chigurh, (Javier Bardem will forever be Anton to me). I am very afraid of Anton, typing his name made me pee a little bit. Yup, I am 2 for 2
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9:27 Keri Russell is presenting, wow; I did not know felicity was this famous. Who’s next the Gilmore Girls presenting best picture?
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9:32 Owen Wilson….still alive….and he looks pretty healthy…good. I like him, I would hang out with him and smoke all his excess pot and fuck all his excess groupies.
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9:34 Jerry Seinfeld is back as a bee for his B-Movie. How annoying has he become? He is presenting best animated shorts. Mystery Time: Where would one go to see one of these movies?
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9:37 A lot of foreign winners….the Oscars have become the Indy 500. I was going to go with another joke here…..A lot of foreign winners, what is this the Scripts Spelling Bee…yeah I know they were both terrible.
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9:39 Best Supporting Actress will be…I don’t know, but I hope its skinny Kate Blanchett because I love Bob Dylan…. Is Ruby Dee related to Billy Dee Williams? I am never going to see Atonement…not my cup of tea…get it tea, because it’s a British film and they love tea….ok I’ll stop. Whoa another foreigner wins, she looks like a female “Oscar,” and she’s wearing a garbage bag. She was decent looking in Michael Clayton, what the fuck happened?
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9:48 Alba is fat…way fat…but way hot, even fat.
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9:48 God I’m bored…maybe I should get a girlfriend….then I wouldn’t be watching the Oscars alone and dictating my inane thoughts….No way single life is the way to go.
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9:50 James Mcavoy’s accent is winning me over. He could say anything in that accent and I would say yes. Josh Brolin is on the list of guys I’d like to befriend. He seems chill and he’s banging Diane Lane; that is a plus in my book. I need to write a book. I am guessing the Coen Bros. will win…and they do…I am now 3 for 4. Wow the Coen’s look nothing like I pictured them…I knew a kid named Akiva Coen and I always pictured the Coen Bros. to be cloned doppelgangers of Akiva. They look like their movies…eerie. There speech gave me the chills…not the good kind…the kind that makes you lock the doors.
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9:53 The Oscar President is now explaining the voting process. Even his presidency makes Bush’s seem like a colossal failure. They could’ve definitely left that little informational piece out. He tries to be funny and fails….leave it to the pros.
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9:55 Miley Cyrus is presenting…I still don’t know why she is famous. She is presenting a song. She is only 15. Her 18th birthday may rival the Olsen’s 18th birthday as most anticipated young starlet’s birthday by the older perverted crowd. Chris Hansen may need to work overtime. Since I don’t make fun of minors I am going to make a late request that would’ve livened up these Oscars. Since everyone hates the musical performances, Oscar should’ve let Brittany Spears perform each nominated tune. Spears plus bad songs feels so right, it would be like the good old Brittany days but with 20 extra pounds.
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10:04 Wow Halle and Judy Dench look bad. I think Jonah Hill is just Seth Rogan’s clone. This is how Judd Apatow can churn out all those movies. They are pounding away at this Halle-Dench joke and it is just not working. They’re not so funny without Apatow. Hmmmm, interesting. Another foreigner wins…
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USA 4 WORLD 10….we need to rally the fans, start the chant bitches
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U-S-A…U-S-A…U-S-A
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10:10 USA 5 WORLD 10 MONTAGE 21
Too bad the only loser in this game is us. By us I mean the viewers.
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10:12 Best Leading Actress presented by Forrest Whitaker…I want him to do my eulogy. You hear that Steve (that is my agent). I hope the Juno girl wins. Ohh shit upset, the hot French girl wins. Mad props to her parents, wow. I am for sure going to watch La Vie En Rose…maybe not but I am falling in love with her. New Crush Alert!!!!! She is hot but in an attainable way…20 bucks Colin Farrel fucks her tonight.
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10:22 Speak of the devil; Colin Farrel is presenting a song, wow how the mighty have fallen. Wait a second this song is not bad, sorry I doubted you Colin; have fun with the French girl, pimp.
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10:25 Writer’s cramp and carpal tunnel have set in. They really haven’t, but I am using that as an excuse to pop a couple of Vicodins.
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10:26 Jack Nicholson. He needs to be on exhibit. Before I die I need to party with him. Yes before I die, because he will never die. I’m calling it now; Colin Farrel is the new Jack Nicholson. They both have that rapist sex appeal working for them.
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10:28 Montage of the all-time Best Picture winners, this one is not so bad.
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10:31 Who the fuck is Renee Zellweger. She looks like a Barbie; a half melted Barbie, with shorter hair.
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10:35 Nicole Kidman’s head is huge. I am betting Owen Wilson and Keith Urban are backstage free basing right now.
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10:54 The Colin Farrel song won an Oscar, yaaaaayyyy.
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11:04 The year in death montage. This always evokes 2 distinct emotions in by dark and brooding belly. Sadness-why did he/she have to die, and Surprise-when the fuck did that dude/chick die. Hmmmmm
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11:23 Elton John talking about his Oscar….I heard a rumor that he’s gay, I wonder if it’s true.
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11:27 Harrison Ford is presenting Best Original Screenplay…I hope former exotic dancer Diablo Cody wins. Legally she has to be referred to as “former exotic dancer,” it’s in her contract. By the way the part of Harrison Ford is being played by Steve Martin tonight. Hell yeah, the stripper won….and she’s wearing leopard print…how fitting. Oh my god, they are playing Def Leopard’s stripper anthem; “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Jack Nicholson just threw a dollar bill onstage.
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11:35 Helen Mirren is presenting the best actor Oscar, she is attractive in a very strange way….I might fuck Helen Mirren. Daniel Day-Lewis wins, surprise surprise. Poor Depp, he’s nominated every year. Has Tommy Lee-Jones ever been young?
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11:39 With an accent you can say anything…preach on Daniel Day-Lewis.
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11:50 The Coens win everything.

I am going to bed.