Short Stories

So before I started this entry I had to take some Einstein time. Einstein time is my home made euphemism for masturbation, which helps to alleviate my chronic writers block, thank you Dr. Kinsey. It also helps my muscles to relax, it promotes all these great endorphins, that I love, to escape into my bloodstream, and most importantly it relieves menstrual cramps…..so I manstrate what of it………fuck off.

The following entry is nothing but short stories, Kafka style. These are real short stories, really short. Each story will start with a bullet, because bulleted entries are far easier to read, do you hear that Tolstoy, bullets would have made War and Peace a breeze, cocky fuck. So here we go minions. Due the faint possibility that some of my hilarity may not work I will be following up many of these entries with my non-sequitur joke of the day, which is banana hammock, are you laughing, no, ok.


• My boss is a woman, I call her Artemis because of the Greek goddess I am sure she is a descendant of. The fact that she is a woman is fine with me except that she is tougher than most men, and on top of that she is sexier than most women; divinity in motion. I need a chair and a whip to fend off her attacks when I wronged her or our company in any way. She is so powerful I think she controls her menstrual cycle, I think she may menstruate on command. This Herculean woman with Heidi Klum legs makes me quiver with fear; she also makes my penis quiver with fantasy. I accidentally mixed up legal documents and guess who paid me a visit. Loose lips sink ships she yelled to me, I thought she was talking about my ex-girlfriend but she was talking about my carelessness. She shredded me, completely excoriating me in front of everyone in my office with her grandiloquent tone, yes my office; bitch. She stared deep into my soul and found some of my biggest insecurities and shed the brightest light in the world upon them. So my day inevitably went to shit. I stayed late to check and re-check all of my daily transactions and guess who paid me a visit at about 7 pm, yes Artemis. It was just her and I in this empty office; I hope she doesn’t make me cry. Remember that whore from earlier now juxtapose that with the angel of a boss I will now present to you; crazy black magic woman. Good job today-she says- remember we have a business trip to San Diego next week, how ‘bout we leave early on Thursday to get a head start on our presentation…………….ok. How does one woman force my eyes pregnant with tears and hours later my penis pregnant with premature ejaculate…..? Banana Hammock.
• Drunk at the bar I began flirting with a cute college girl. Wooing drunken college girls is the most sinecure task known to man, well that and working at FEMA, ha, political joke. Dry spell prepare to be moistened. I called a taxi and she followed me. Back seat of the taxi we began to kiss, gross. No tongue, barley any lip action, terrible taste. It felt as though I was licking the sneeze guard at the buffet line. Sex did not follow; I jumped out of the moving cab and ran home.
• I was poor when I was younger. We were on welfare and we definitely received food from the government at our doorstep once a week. My parents kept the crates in our basement even though the inscription on the blue and orange welfare crates read “THOU SHALT NOT STEAL,” good example parental units. When I asked my folks why we received groceries at our door once a month they sibilantly informed me that like Pizza Hut our grocer delivered….liars. The point of this short story is that if you have never had a grilled government cheese sandwich than you my friend are not living. I recently came across a welfare store and bought out there cheese supply, greasy yellowy cheesy goodness, holla.
• I nicknamed my penis Big Bird, I’m hoping it sticks. Banana Hammock
• Worst feeling in the world #43 is running out of toilet paper in a public restroom post-poop. I couldn’t ask the guy in the next stall for some t-p in case it was Senator Larry Craig waiting for another foot tapper.
• Worse feeling in the world #44- having to use brown paper towel in lieu of normal toilet paper. Using cheap brown paper towel to wipe your hands or nose is abrasive enough; imagine it on your anus. I felt like Larry Craig actually got a hold of me.
• Discovery alert- Dipping and drinking a red bull at the same time is not amazing, it is the opposite of amazing. You’re up and down and but never are you in the middle. It is like riding a roller coaster underground. I was prepping myself for a night on the town by dipping and taking in an episode of sportscenter. An amigo of mine, I use amigo because he is Mexican, it is fitting, came over with a case of red bull and some vodka. I decided to partake in red bull consumption sans vodka. I had no idea what anguish I had unleashed upon my body by this newly formed axis of evil- Kodiak and Red Bull. Heed my warning, friends, and avoid this deadly combination. I feel like Dr. Wilbrand (google him) warning the world about TNT (not the television channel, even though it should also come with a warning of some sort, like Warning: Law and Order is on all the time- yikes).
• Do black people get black eyes? Seriously I do not know the answer, I tried to think of a black boxer with a post match black eye and I cannot recall……banana hammock.
• I am voting for Obama. Ok I have a confession to make; I was never, not going to vote for Obama. I know you could care less about my political views, and trust me I am not going to wax poetic about his attributes, but I would like to make a few key points about why I like him today more than I did yesterday. He is a closet smoker, like me- I imagine Obama bumming Marlboros off his politico buddies inside some D.C. bar, but only if he has had a couple of vodka tonics (I am guessing he drinks vodka tonics). Second; he loves and plays basketball, imagine Obama playing one on one with Iranian Dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over a thousand or so barrels of oil, or better yet playing the Canadian PM a game of horse over he gets the rights to Norm MacDonald, or who gets control of Labatt Blue. Splendid. He won a Grammy, yeah he definitely has a Grammy, seriously I have no joke here, Barack Obama won a Grammy at the 2006 award show. Fourth, and definitely the most scintillating piece of little known Obama factoids, or as I like to call them Obamoids of all, he plays Signed, Sealed, Delivered as his campaign anthem, the Stevie Wonder song, the same Stevie Wonder song I lost my virginity to. Every time I watch an Obama rally or listen to him speak and hear that song I am reminded of one of my greatest conquests...God bless America.
• I hope elevators are sound proof. Weird hope, I know, but you must understand that when alone in an elevator I sing….and I dance. If elevators are not sound proof than a lot of people in my building are aware of my mad Justin Timberlake imitatin skills. I need to MacGyverize a sound proof elevator, or make it a point to only use elevators with other people to hinder my performances.
• I know the menstrual cycle of every woman I deal with on a regular basis and plan my life accordingly. Not a joke, I made a special and ingenious if I may say so myself, calendar that switches every 22 days to mark the blood cycle for the previously mentioned woman. If you are laughing or scoffing at my idea please, I urge you to try it for three months and see how much trouble you can avoid if you avoid the blood.
• I love scrambled eggs, but they give me diarrhea. The odd thing is that only scrambled eggs give me diarrhea not any other egg form, science I have a new task for you… Watson and Crick forget the helix and solve this conundrum.
• TRUE STORY ALERT: I was standing outside of my office at the left side of the door drinking a red bull. Random office acquaintance was on the right side of the door smoking a cigarette. The receptionist who is coming back from lunch looks at me and then at my red bull She then has the gall to tell me that energy drinks are bad for your health, that it will kill me. She doesn’t bat an eyelash at Smoker McGee, but my pretty blue can is an aluminum casket. She told me that red bulls make your brain bleed….isn’t that ecstasy, whore. I wish people would mind there own business, so I told her to do just that and she walked away. So Smoker McGee and I made fun of her soggy butt as she walked away, it looks like a bag of wet clothes, ahhh redemption. Banana Hammock.