Westminster Dog Show

My neighbor has the greatest Golden Retriever ever. It is full grown but somewhat of a dwarf dog because it still maintains some of its adorable puppy qualities. If I ever choose to purchase a dog I would like a dog that never grows up. A perma-puppy. I am the Peter Pan of dog owners. Science has to have that DNA structure locked up somewhere; otherwise I will just blow cigarette smoke into the new born pup’s face and make it drink copious amounts of vodka to stunt its growth, ahhh puppy for life. Ok, ok you crazy PETA members that was just a joke, I would never harm an animal, it is just because I like puppies way more than full grown beasts, c’est la vie.

Ok now back to my neighbor’s dog-of-the-year candidate. Every now and again I have to walk the dog, because I am a nice guy. Seriously I am nice; my neighbor is a lovely older woman, a widow with no children so I help her out whenever I can. You better believe it ladies, a heart of gold and abs of steel, holla.

I was shoveling the snow in Mrs. Old Lady’s driveway when she asks me to walk her dog, uh oh. I have never said no to her, but I really can’t walk Snoopy Dogg right now. I know it is far to cold for her to leave the house and the dog must have to shit like a mofo, but my outfit is definitely not dog walking attire.

I was wearing a Mike Vick jersey. I am not here to excoriate or defend Vick. I do think he deserves to be punished, but again that is not the purpose of this forum. Some may claim that simply by wearing the jersey I am supporting the incarcerated, but I am not. The accurate assertion would be that simply by wearing the jersey I am supporting my chintzy life style. I make a good living and have money stored away, but I am a cheap fuck, not George Costanza level stingy but cheap nonetheless. I bought exhibit A, Vick Jersey, about 4 years ago; when he was cool for a whopping $175. It is not my fault he went psychotic. I need to, at the very least, get my money’s worth out of the jersey. So I wear it when working outside, cutting grass, or when I am inside fixing my toilet. I use it when doing crappy jobs, figuratively and literally. But now I had to wear the jersey and walk a dog, I was going to be sick.

I weighed the options. Walk the dog and become the most hated man in my neighborhood, even more hated than Steve. Steve was caught masturbating in the public library. My other option was to say no to Mrs. Old Lady and have her walk the dog in the cold and possibly die.

PS. I had the jersey on above a large sweatshirt so I was pretty warm. I am very angry with Vick, but his jersey is warm as shit. I am waiting for it to decompose so I can finally throw it away and be done with this whole ordeal, but it is so well made. Those little Asian fingers that sewed this jersey for Nike should be very proud of themselves.

So I walked the dog, and kept looking over my shoulder for potential assassins. If I am going to be honest the walk was very sub par, I barely let the poor dog poop in comfort due to my lack of comfort. Then it hit me, the dog is always going to be ecstatic whether I was wearing this variegated Vick jersey or if I were standing in the nude, which may be just as offensive. So if the dog could care less, then I could care less, I also hope the picketers outside my home would care less.