Driving around in my automobile, dadoom dadoom dadoom, something something shit crap poop. On a serious tip though, I was driving home from work. As I drive I look around for rogue prosititues, just in case, and I saw this sign.
This sign changed my mission. Bye bye prostos, hello convictos. This sign made me want to pick up a hitchhiker sooooooooo bad. Prison area my ass. What if this ex-con was a young banker named Andy Dufresne that was wrongly convicted of murdering his wife...hmmmmmmmmm, you think about that cunt faces. What if Andy- played by Tim Robbins- had a case of Red Bull and offered me one. Why thank you Andy, how magnanimous, of you. So, sorry you were raped and sodomized by "The Sisters"……
True Story Alert
I was picked up once by a man in a white Buick. He was cool as the other side of the pillow. My Grand Am decided to die, and I decided to walk. I was on the highway. Then this grizzled man with a face chiseled out of cheap counter top pulled over and picked your hero up.
Where you headed
To blah blah blah, about 30 miles in that direction
Hop in
Hells yeah
So I hopped in, literally I hopped, I had a blister, fuckin Doc Martins, that is what I get for trying to keep up with the Joneseseseses. I was a bright eyed 18 year old virgin, alcohol had yet to enter my blood stream, let alone any other drug, hallucinogen, downer, upper, or in betweener. Hey you want to hit this joint young man, he says. I wince, because I was a bigger bitch then than I am now, so I thought, holy shit- a jail cell will meet me tonight, “The Sisters” will get me, I am way prettier than Andy Dufresne, I would be the Angie Jolie of prison, ohhhhhh my poor poor bottom.
No thanks mister, I- I- I- just want to get home.
Well home is where he took me, but he smoked the shit out of said joint and I wet the shit out of my cargo pants (another attempt by me to be cool, ouch, just so you can complete this mental Picasso I had on Doc Martins, Cargo Pants, and an American Eagle t-shirt, how suburban, it was as if an Abecrombie employee puked, and out came my outfit, yech). Well driver man asked if I wanted to roll with to his bitch’s crib, which was a trailer, maybe I could throw it in her sister, she was promiscuous. But she was promiscuous before Nelly Furtado made it hip, oh yeah I did mention that virginity and I were bosom buddies, Cagney and Lacey- I was probably Lacey, where was I. Ahhhh yes, so driver man took me home after he saw the wet spot on my pants and I thanked him by making him drop me off half a mile from my house and sprinting, Carl Lewis-esque away from his ride, what a nice guy.
So in closing, hitchhikers maybe cool or criminal or they could be punk ass bitches like 18 year old me.
No comments:
Post a Comment