Evil Terrorist Scarf

Dunkin Donuts has pulled a commercial featuring pitch woman Racheal Ray wearing a scarf because Michelle Malkin and other conservative observers thought the scarf looked too much like a keffiyeh, what Malkin describes as "the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad."

The scarf is just that a scarf. The same scarf has been sold for about 3 years from Urban Outfitters which turned the keffiyehs into a youth trend and markets them as "anti-war scarves."

Its a sad day when Malkin has become our moral compass. But in keeping with her claims that Racheal Ray is a jihadist I feel it necessary to point out some more jihadists, so we can all sleep safe tonight.

José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, the Prime Minister of Spain. Evil bastard, he also legalized gay marriage in Spain.

Internationally renown soccer legend Ronaldo. Terrorist.

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Livin La Vida Loca indeed.

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Howard Dean....Liberal and Anti-American, figures.

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Stud Rapper Lupe Fiasco. Does Kanye West know about this.

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Mary Kate...I mean Ashley....wait which one is this, fuck, we'll never know. One of the Olsens is a jihadist.

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Crazy looking Euro models, she's probably French, fucking French.

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New York city hipsters...terrorist scum.

Sting, no wonder The Police broke up.

Gay dudes, un freakin believable.

Angry suburban white chicks.

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Colin, why? You're way too drunk to be a jihadist.

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No wonder Americans hate soccer. The players are terrorists.

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Matt Lauer. No I know where in the world you were, you were somewhere inciting violence.

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Ugly actresses, no wonder your career went to shit.

Uh-oh Meghan McCain, and if you're thinking -"Is that John McCain's daughter?" Then you are right.

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A Rabbi, wait now I'm confused. Oh wait now I get it, ITS JUST A FLIPPIN SCARF.

Throwback of the day

I am honoring Kobe Bryant and his MVP and upcoming NBA Finals appearance with this lovely rap video featuring none other than the crazy Tyra Banks. Priceless. Did Kobe have this erased from his memory bank a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, because I would have. I implore you to try and watch the whole video and not turn your head away with shame and embarrassment.

Naked John McCain

WOW. This is the best of the Republican party.

Internet Bits of Tid

Now we finally have some documented evidence that Hillary's lunacy started at a young age.




Mila Kunis now officially has my heart.




What's more American than baseball and ugly lesbians kissing. Boo to Seattle. If we're gonna disallow ugly lesbians from necking than ban fatties from kissing and ban red heads from holding hands and ban frat boys from peeing on the seats at the stadium. You're better than that Seattle.



Tough decision for this guy. What would you do? Could you kill a man for 10 millions dollars? This is a very well made short.

Tongue Ring

A few things happened to me once I graduated college.

• I realized that my obsession with Dave Mathews, O.A.R., and Phish was a tad bit extreme.


• I realize that the Foreman grill was not really the best way to cook a steak.


• I realized that grades were not that important.


• I realized that I was right about Frat boys- DOUCHE.


• I realized that the game I thought I had with the ladies consisted of booze and a bed.


• I also realized that tongue piercings were not that sexy.

Tongue piercings.

My employer needed a receptionist since our current receptionist is on sabbatical due to her weight gain. She got soo fat; I kid, I kid, she became pregnant, so she was on maternity leave. But I am still going to pretend she went to fat camp.

We hired a receptionist from a temp agency and all the guys in the office were waiting with baited breath, we were all hoping that our receptionist was more Jenna Fischer than Amy Fischer.

I walked into the office and noticed her.

Cute.

Blonde, B-cups, workable ass, 5'5, blue eyes; let's just say Hitler is jerking off to her in hell.

I walked up to the desk to ask a question I already knew the answer to; and there it was. I saw her Scarlett Letter- A TONGUE RING.

I lost my equilibrium and became a tad bit nauseous- was it 1999 all over again.

I walked back to my seat in an attempt to regain my composure. Its 2008. and you're in an office- why the ring?

Is she still listening to 3rd Eye Blind and Limp Bizkit. Does she still think TRL is relevant? Is she still collecting Beanie Babies? So many questions and the only one with the answers has a stud in her tongue...in 2008. I have to go since I just puked in my mouth.

Internet Bits of Tid

I am going to call these 2 criminals as soon as they turn 18.




Typical Right Wing Nut Job.




Throw back of the day. I wish I was a fly on the wall during Snow's penning of this classic. "Informer you know they saidasmafsalkjfl;ksflksjafnsoa blaim, I lick you boom boom down," Yeah hell yeah, this lyric is perfect.

Ku Klux Tan

Are Ku Klux Klan members reprimanded if they get tans?

Are they allowed in the sun?

Do they wear SPF 190 sun screen if they do go into the sun?

Quick Hits

I can't stand stories about child prodigies. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.

I was at a restaurant a couple of nights ago and noticed a couple sitting at the table next to mine. The couple consisted of a woman- kind of hot- and a decent looking guy that was confined to a wheelchair. Two thoughts jumped into my head. I wonder what their sex life is like, and I wonder if she actually loves him or is she with him out of guilt.

I hate vegetarians. All they do is talk about what they can or cannot eat. Then they have the audacity to question your eating habits. Plus they are chronically unhealthy and sickly looking. Most vegetarians think that their vegetarianism makes them more chaste, more virtuous. It doesn't.

ABC needs to make sure Suge Knight is on next season's Dancing With The Stars. Close your eyes and picture Suge dancing with that hot little blonde while a Glock is protruding from his pants.

There is nothing more stressful than changing the outgoing message on your cell phone. "Hello, I'm not able to answer my phone right now, please leave a message," is what I decided on. But it took me an hour and a half to reach it, should I say "peace out," should I make it funny, should I make it sound like I actually answered the phone and then trick them, should I play some background music, should I let some girl leave my message so people think I am constantly in the throws of love making, should I let the automated machine answer my phone, and why does the automated voice on my cell phone sound so sexy to me?....Do you see why it is so hard.

When I'm driving and I see a group of birds in the road ahead of my I speed up. I have never actually hit one, but I have gotten a speeding ticket because of it.

I want to hang out with Detroit Piston's Forward Rasheed Wallace. I want to go go-carting with him, I want to go to the mall and hit on girls in the food court with him, and I want to play video games with the guy.

Speaking of the Detroit Pistons, I want their announcer- Mason- to announce the mundane everyday goings on in my life.

I am sexually attracted to Tina Fey.

I have said this before and I am saying this again- What is the point of Nascar? All I see is a monumental waste of gas.

Salads are no fun.

Girls don't poop. It is scientifically impossible.

When I poop I get completely naked, it just feels better.

I ran a half marathon last year, and during my training I found out that marathon runners piss themselves if they need to pee during a race. First of all- that's gross. Second of all- that is why I will never run a marathon, and Third of all- how can they pee and run at the same time. If I'm not statue still during urination, it just won't flow. My bladder is far too shy for a marathon.

This post took a really weird turn with all this piss and poop talk.

I am going to say it before any one else does- Brad Pitt is sooooo pussy whipped. He has gone from Brahma Bull to bull shit.

I wish I was pussy whipped by Angelina Jolie.

Carmen Electra is fine as wine, but she has dated some very odd characters.

Prince

B-Real from Cypress Hill

Dennis Rodman

Tommy Lee

Dave Navarro

Joan Jett

and now the Guitarist from Korn

I may have a shot with Carmen, all I have to do now is meet her.

Pointless Time Wasters

This made me laugh, then it made me feel uncomfortable, it then made me yell out loud, but in the end it made me a better person.


GO HERE

Shotgun

As most of you know I smoke alot of pot. I love it. I would marry a joint if I could, seriously, I would. The Declaration of Independence was signed on paper made of hemp and I give our forefathers homage through my use of hemp and rolling papers.

My drug dealers just received a shipment of Grade A, Sri Lanka Fruity Funk Funk. Pot-With a name like that it's gotta be good. Ha, take that Smuckers.

Pot has so many positive side effects, and main effects that I can't believe some people have never been high.

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If I ever meet someone that has never been high I will never be their friend. I understand not getting lit as an adult, but in high school or college, jeesh, what else is there to do.

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I am stoned right now.

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One of pot's glorious side effects is that it helps with the ladies. For some reason every time I smoke with a girl she wants to shotgun a joint, or shotgun a hit, which always leads to at least a little bit of make out mania for me.

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I just realized that this post is making no sense. Frick.

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I have re-read this thing 2 dozen times because I keep forgetting what the hell I am doing.

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I have to go eat my pop tarts.

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and my cheetohs.

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and my sour patch kids.

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and the 3 day old pizza in my fridge.

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and drink the rest of my Faygo blackberry blast.

Best Name Ever

If my sperm actually do work and I am able to make babies and if I were to ever become so drunk that I accidentally make a baby I will definitely name him this.

I Want To Buy a Baby

What is so wrong about baby trafficking?

Answer my question Madonna and Angelina Jolie.

ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inter-NOT

I laughed at this because it is funny.

The Real Homer

Some artist...ahem a very talented artist put together a facsimile of Homer Simpson, if he were a real life person.

It obviously looks amazing and creepy. His site is here.

This Homer looks alot lot Johnny Mac to me, but what do I know, I'm addicted to ketamine and Vodka Tonics.

State the Obvious

It was reported on some news agency that Bulls forward Joakim Noah was arrested for possession of marijuana.

Why was this a story?

Look at him! He looks like that aaaaaand he is an NBA player. Let's just say that this story is not very surprising.

In a related story he has become one of my favorite players in the league.

The NBA where marijuana use happens.

Pulling Out Just Enough

Not to go all old man penis on you, but Milton Berle was hung like a horse...no no he was hung like 2 horses. If you are thinking to yourself- "That Milton Berle?" then my answer is yes that Milton Berle.

There is a novel I read a long time ago that featured a story about Berle. This story is rather famous, ahem infamous, so type in Milton Berle Penis into your web browser of choice and my claim will be easily validated, but I digress. Berle was on a movie set or set of some sort and a fellow male actor heard about the trouser snake Berle was packing and bet him something that his dick was bigger. In front of a group of people the random guy pulled out his cock, then Berle pulled out his cock and won easily. The onlookers were obviously taken aback by Berle's length, but he informed them that he was a lot bigger than what he showed. He told them that he pulled out just enough to win.

Just Enough To Win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think Obama is pulling out just enough to win as well- as it relates to this nomination at least- I am not aware of his penis length or lack there of if the stereotype doesn't stick in this case, but anyways. He has taken the high road at nearly every turn of his campaign versus Hillary. At times I burned with anger because I thought he could have gone for the jugular but chose to be civil. There were time I thought her may be losing the nomination because of his unwillingness to engage her in a war of mudslinging. I was wrong. This whole time he pulled out just enough to remain on top. As she poked and prodded and hoped and prayed for his implosion, he waited and gracefully shed her attacks. While she waited for Obama to collapse upon himself like a dead star, she became a black hole right before our eyes. Her destruction has become Shakespearean. The front runner for nearly 3 years self destructs while trying to destroy a young upstart. Hamlet, Othello, and King Lear must make room the table, a new tragic figure is set to join your group- Hillary Clinton.

Hillary has one thing in common with Obama supporters- they both view Obama as a ray of light in an otherwise dark political landscape. The difference is that to her Obama shined far to bright for anyone to notice her flickers.

She has become the person trapped in an abusive relationship that is too stupid to leave. You know the person that everyone has repeatedly tried to help and rescue but their stubbornness; their innate cretonoidness has persevered so they remain friendless but still living a life of shambles. It has become sad.

Sad is the only way to describe her state at this point. Her campaign has tarnished her political resume. Her campaign has tarnished her public image. Even if her image to you was negative to being with, her actions give you more fuel, and to those that once respected her- like myself- feel duped. I feel that this woman I thought would make a great candidate, this woman that I felt would open doors not just for women but for all minorities was a fraud up until now. I am not judging or rejudging as it may seem solely on the basis on her most recent gaffe, but on her prolonged gaffe- her campaign.

Her comment was so cruel and devoid of any shred of human decency that the Lenos or Lettermans of the word could not find a way to chastise her for it. It was too tragic to mock.

I feel bad, because up until yesterday I thought that she could and would be an asset to Obama's presidential campaign, but if I had a say- which I don't- I would keep her as far away as possible. If I were Obama I would add her to the get the fuck away from me list that also includes Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Rev. Wright, and Randy Ayers.

Now take a deep breath Einstein...okay.

Side Note Central:

1. This post made me laugh my ass off- which was ever so welcome since I spent the day perusing political website and news papers. So read it, it really is one of Pap Smear's finest entries.


2. This post made me jealous, because I pride myself on being able to assemble clever sentences and/or phrases ie. Ku Klux Kampaign or Bowling for Concubine, but calling Hillary- Hellary which is simple but genius is exactly what this post did. It was so clever that I pissed my pants with envy.


3. And watch this because even though he is a tad over the top his message is pretty powerful.
   
   

Sanctity of Marriage

Sanctity of Marriage

What does that mean?

Sanctimonious means: hypocritically pious or devout. Ok, got it.

Not to go all SAT on you but---what does Sanctity mean?

If you guessed- the quality or state of being holy or sacred- then you are right.

Then why is the "Right" not right. There claims that gay marriage is unjust because it destroys the sanctity of marriage is ludicrous. Divorce destroys the sanctity of marriage, yet that is legal. Married Republican Senators that tap their little gay feet in a bathroom stall (yes you Larry Craig) are ruining this sanctimonious union.

I bring this up because on the Ellen show Johnny Mac was asked about his position on same sex marriage and he squirmed like his wife does when he takes off his clothes.





So basically the Johhny Mac says gay people are allowed to sign a contract. Aww shucks Grandpa McCain, can gay people get licenses too, can they use knives and forks instead of sporks yet, and can gay people finally stay out past midnight. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Johnny Mac, we know you hate gay people due to some religious issue, or some partisan issue, or simply because you are a bigot. But the gay marriage issue is not a religious issue. It is not a partisan issue even though our government has made it one. It is a civil rights issue; and your prejudices are impinging on their civil rights. The same civil rights that this country was founded to protect.

Assasination Nation

I have been inundated with columns and opinions regarding the identity of Obama's running mate. As of now the position of Vice President is very much up in the air.
My opinion matters little, but humor me, if you will.

I was beginning to warm to the idea of an Obama-Clinton ticket. But then Hil hit us with this doozy early this afternoon, which for me knocks her off the list of running mates. It should knock her off the list of ally as well.





Good point Hil, June is a big month for assassinations, we should wait out this month. But what if nothing happens in June? Maybe she could bring up John Lennon's July 1st assassination as evidence to prolong her campaign through July.

I was very wary and semi-against this whole- Hillary is a bitch thing- butttttt, this last comment sure seems Uber-Bitchy to me.

No Reason Post

I try not to divulge too much of my family life into this journal. I try to write about the most interesting and at times the seediest aspects of my life. But on this occasion I have to relay an email from an Aunt of mine.

As I have stated before; I grew up in foster care and do not know any of my actual relatives, so when I refer to someone as an aunt or uncle it is in symbolic terms not biological, but I digress.

My Aunt became my Aunt because she is a sweet, sweet lady. She was my 3rd grade teacher and I love her to death and she has a strong affinity for yours truly as well. Being a 3rd grade teacher she obviously adores children and I always receive vids of adorable kids from her. She tells me that children make her feel young - not old. She tells me that through children you can relive the wonders of childhood again and again. She may be right, I don't know, because my only interaction with children consists of stopping for the crossing guards as they walk across the street during my commute to and from work.

This particular email included two little girls. The first one featured analysis of recently deposed New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer by a 3 year old. The second one is a 6 year old singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. A couple observations prior to gifting this videos onto you. First- kids are alot more talented today then when I was a child. I am in my early 20's and in this short generation gap I feel that children have made leaps and bounds of improvement in the talent department. When I was 3 I was still wetting the bed and swallowing the loose change that I found on the ground. By the time I was 6 I had matured to coloring outside of the lines and spitting into the air in an attempt to recapture my own saliva with my mouth; and these kids are singing sonatas and grasping complex political scandals; crazy isn't it. My final point is that the little singer girl is freaky good, I almost cried, and I haven't cried since the series finale of Full House; so obviously it takes alot to move me.

Strange Feelings in my Pants

As you know my boss is a woman. An amazingly intelligent, sexy, imposing, and unfortunately (for me) unattainable woman.

I am her right hand man and as part of my right hand man duties I have to accompany her on business trips. This is great for the most part except that she has a temper.

This crazy hot genius is actually psychotic as it relates to her job performance, but I am incredibly turned on by her.

She gives me a panic boner.

If we were to ever have sex I would cum fear.

Not good times.

Loose Ends

Some policitcal info for your brains this morning.

• Douche bag radio host Michael Savage mocks Ted Kennedy's new found brain cancer by playing a song by the band Dead Kennedy's and cracking hideous unfunny jokes. Listen Here. What a huge peice of shit. This is what is holding our country from unifying, this is why we unfortunarley have 3 America's. The Liberal Zealots, The Conservative Zeolots, and Eveyone Else. Shouldn't political differences be pushed aside when a fellow American is faced with a potentially fatal disease. Sad that Savage has a show and just as sad that he has douche bag listeners that fancy themselves as patriots.
• I am late on this but in case y'all have not seen it, ch ch ch check it out.
  
  

• Thank you Keith Olberman.

MILF

I do not know who my parents are, which is fine, I am not bitter I swear. But every now and then I am attracted to an older woman and would like to pursue sexual relations but I can't.

WHY?

Because there is a chance that this random MILF, could be my biological mother.

That is a chance I am not willing to take.

I am not Oedipus Rex,

I'm Back

I took about a week long hiatus from writing to my eight devotees, but now I am back. If you would like to know what I did during my sabbatical, then I'll tell you.

• I have a job so I had to work like a mofo
• I work with the state Democratic party so I had some work to do with them as well.
• I went to a wedding.
• Speaking of the nuptials. The bride and groom were Hispanic and all the food and drink servers were white. I don't have a joke, I just like seeing white people serve Hispanic people on occasion.
• I watched the season finale of the bachelor.
• I came up with my strategy if I ever get a bank account big enough to appear as "The Bachelor." I would attempt to have sex with as many of the women as possible. At the rose ceremony I would eliminate only those I have fucked, if I don't hit it then they can stay. I'll keep eliminating sexual partners until the end. If I bone every chick, then I pick no one. If there is a woman at the end that I haven't had the joy of copulating with, then she can marry me. The best part about this strategy is that I would make sure the viewers knew about my elimination technique, that way they would actually know who fucked me and who didn't. This will raise rating through the roof.
• I saw this homeless woman the other day that with a few minor make over techniques might be kind of cute. Plus if I took her out on a date I could drop her off any where I wanted when the date ended.
• I am learning to speak Italian right now. I just thought I'd tell y'all, so when I get sexy enough to speak Italian you will be ready.

Warning Labels

I was feeling a bit randy this afternoon.

I had completed a wonderful half day at work and walked into my home refreshed and ready to take on the world. As I walked toward my computer I relieved myself of all of my clothing. I logged onto my favorite porno movie search engine and typed in "Neighborhood Orgy."

353 videos found. Sweet!

So I randomly clicked on one and left it to download while I made some Ramen noodles.

The life of an attractive young bachelor isn't all glamour and glitz, sometimes it's 6o cents noodle packets and porn. But I digress.

Now that I had quenched my hunger, I had to quench my sex drive.

Play.

Alright, 3 lovely ladies sitting around a pool talking about, I actually don't remember what they were talking about because their huge breasts have bogarted my memory.

Next door neighbor stops by. The girls start making out and the next door neighbor guy began to get naked. Nice.

Then it happened.

An uncircumcised penis ruined the porno for me. It appeared and at first I thought something was wrong with this guy. Then the penis "popped" out, and he began to bang out one of the pool sluts, but I was already traumatized.

Shouldn't pornos warn us about weirdo penises with excess dick skin.

Along those same lines I would like to be warned about penises that radically curve to the left or the right.

I also would like to be warned about terrible boob jobs. Masturbating with a steady rhythm and then being shocked to the point of convulsion because of hideous plastic surgery scars is a terrible experience to have to endure.

I am also against blood, but that was this Japanese porno I bought on the East side; so it was somewhat of an isolated incident.

Fat America

Major League Eating is the name for the governing body of professional gluttons. The men and women that stuff there faces with wings or hot dogs or heart disease as part of a competitive eating competition fall under this league. Well our fat country has one upped its obese self. Major League Eating is launching an eating game for the Wii.

Remember Street Fighter or Tekken, well unremember them, because fighting games are old news. Now its all about eating.

Many kids used to play video games in lieu of actually doing any physical activity. But I have a feeling that many of the people that will play the pro eating game will be eating professionally while playing.

Controller in one hand, Oreo in the other.

Jeesh, our country is fat. I hate it.

Bad Bush

George Bush's sacrifice for our slain country men was to give up...

Wait for it

Wait for it

Wait for it

GOLF

According to an interview with Yahoo, Mr. President said he gave up the sport in 2003 because he owed it to the families of the troops.

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in
chief playing golf," he said. "I feel I owe it to the families to be in
solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war
just sends the wrong signal."
"I remember when de Mello, who was at
the U.N., got killed in Baghdad as a result of these murderers taking this good
man's life," he said. "I was playing golf -- I think I was in central Texas --
and they pulled me off the golf course and I said, 'It's just not worth it
anymore to do.'"

I have a crazy idea, but hear me out.

How about you keep playing golf but quit playing war.

Clinton Loan

This Picture has zero to do with my post. I just think its awesome and could not come up with a proper way to implement it. So here is a no reason picture.

Clinton has loaned her campaign 10 million dollars of her own money over the course of this campaign.

A loan is an investment that will be repaid usually with interest to the original source of the funding.

So how is she going to repay herself?

Will she force herself to pay herself back with interest?

Do you think she has 10 million IOU's like in Dumb and Dumber? Since she owes herself the money are they I Owe Me's.

I wish Tim Russert would ask these questions.

3 am- Johnny Mac

Hillary Clinton's 3 am phone ad inspired conversation and discussion regarding the leadership virtues of the 2 Democratic candidates. But what about Johnny Mac, will he answer the phone at 3 am.

My grandfather can barely get up to take a piss at 3 am, let alone answer a telephone.

Let's look at the phone issue in another light...what about 3 pm

My grandfather always takes an afternoon nap from 2 pm until 5 pm. The he gets up takes his pills and watches Wheel of Fortune.

I need to know Johhny Mac's stance on Pat Sajak.

I try not to waste my time with mundane facts or characteristics about the candidates, but a 71 year old president is kinda important.

How can he garner the respect of the rest of the world when he's wearing depends.

How can he garner the world's respect when e can't turn a computer on or off.

How can he garner the world's respect when he has to schedule his life around his Viagra schedule.

Johnny Mac is old and decrepit. Its an issue.

Cide- Ways

Got a dinner date
can't be late
trick or treat, sweet thang
got anotha trick to meet

Chicka chicka yeah. I must have been MANstruating today, because I was definitely a tad bit on the insane side of the great divide between genius and insanity. Orrrrr I could be a little on edge as a result of last night's festivities.

SIDE NOTE: I keep a calendar marked with the menstrual cycles of
all the women I deal with on a day to day basis. Many find this as
neurotic to the point of psychotic; but the benefits reaped have been well worth the scorn I have received. This Blood Calendar keeps me abreast to the days and weeks I should avoid interacting with the owner of the bloody vagina. Avoiding the menstrual helps me to avoid unnecessary fights, bruises, and the rare responsibility of serving as a "shoulder to cry on." Trust me men; keep a Blood Calendar and you will keep your sanity

I had a dinner date with some work associates. We all went out to a sushi place to celebrate the completion of an imposing, and insanely difficult, assignment. There are about 20-25 individuals that work within the confines of our company's office walls. My team, however, has a group of about 10 and the rest of the employees make up the other team that reside in another wing of our building.

We were leaving the office and an individual from the other team asked My Work Friend and I if we would like to ride with him. I did not want to, but before I could spit out a reason not to My Work Friend said yes, for the both of us. He is a fuckin pushover.

The gentleman that asked us to ride with him is fuckin craaaaazy. The janitors created a nickname for him- Cide- I think the nickname is very cruel, but it is apropos. They call him Cide, which developed from Suicide, because he looks like a nutso, suicidal, unabomber, Jeffrey Dahmer, baby eater.

He looks like the guy that wears gloves inside of his own home.

He looks like the guy that drinks luke warm milk in the middle of a hot summer day.

He looks like the guy that cries during sex.

He looks like the guy that produced 2 girls 1 cup.

If you hadn't already guessed he is the computer scientist for the adjacent office. The computer scientist from our office is effin sweet, but he is not the norm.

I sucked up my pride and told my better judgement to take the night off as I manned the position of shotgun in his flea ridden car. His car had more Chicken McNugget boxes that Ronald MacDonald's office.

This is when it gets weird.

I buckled my seat belt and he turned to me and said this, and I am not exaggerating in the least bit:

"Do You Not Trust Me"

Its just a seat belt.

"I'm a good driver, please un-buckle your belt.

So I did.

As we pulled into the sushi bar he asked My Work Buddy and I for some gas money.

AHHHHHHHHH, YOU ASKED US TO RIDE WITH YOU.

In lieu of getting murdered and stuffed in a suitcase in Cide's basement I threw some money at him.

I really don't think I need to tell you how the evening ended.

I told Cide that my boss would give me a lift back to my car and I avoided that nut job like the plague that he was for the remainder of the evening.

Ku Klux Kampaign

The Junior Senator from New York had this to say in an interview with USA Today.

Clinton cited an Associated Press poll "that found how Senator Obama's
support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

"There's a pattern emerging here," she
said.

"These are the people you have to win if you're a Democrat in
sufficient numbers to actually win the election," she said. "Everybody knows that."

We get it Hill, if the Democrats want the "White Vote" in the Fall then the Super Delegates should choose you. If the Democrats want the unimportant "Black Vote" then they'll choose Obama. That isn't divisive at all. Way to maintain your dignity throughout this whole ordeal.

Colin Farrell

I saw a post on some random site that listed people that make their race look bad. OK

The post was funny and many of the people listed just plain made humanity look like shit.

But they listed Colin Farrell as a bad example of the Irish.

I mentioned this to some of my friends and they agreed with said post. They also thought Colin Farrell was a punk ass bitch.

WHY

What's not to like about him. He's a good actor and he has killer hair.

He has an Irish accent.

An Irishman could ask you to pass the salt and it may sound like he's about to fuck you up.

An Irishman could ask you to pass the salt and it may sound like he's wasted.

.

An Irishman could ask you to pass the salt it every woman in the vicinity may wet their knickers from the clitoral stimulation imposed by the accent of the Emerald Isle.

Colin Farrell is a world renowned libertine, a historic lothario, and he fucked Brit Spears when she was hot.

Farrell drinks and smokes as if supplies were disappearing by the second.

I don't get it. Maybe I just have a man crush on Farrell, maybe I love Ireland, maybe I am a moron and Farrell is a douche, or maybe I am right and Colin is legendary.

.

Colin Farrell is the new Jack Nicholson.

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Just in case this post sounded too gay, I am going to reiterate the fact that I masturbated to an all girl porno prior to typing this entry.

.

I like jackin it before typin it. It loosens up the phalanges and it clears my head.....ummmm, my mind.

Mayo

I wish that I had had a mayo incident yesterday, because I really wanted to title a post: "Cinco de Mayo." But alas I didn't. I ate a sandwich with mayo in it for breakfast. I had tuna salad for lunch and still nothing. For dinner I just drove around throwing jars of mayo out of my car window and nothing awesome came of it. So my clever play on Cinco de Mayo was a lost cause.

Sadness

Johnny Mac's

Apparently John McCain called his wife a cunt in front of some advisers back in 1992, and some gentleman on press row had the gall to ask him about it.

No matter how much I hate Johnny Mac, I think the question was out of line. Who hasn't called his wife/girlfriend a cunt from time to time.

And vise versa which lady hasn't referred to her significant other as an ass or a douche bag on occasion.

Every single thing that happens to a person in the lime light should not be made an issue.

NAIL IN THE COFFIN

You will defintley need to read this to understand the following entry.

I am dedicating one more entry to my very capable and willing adversary, The Evil Pap Smear. I had to add “the” and “evil” to her name; she is becoming too hard to dispose of.

She is the NSync to my Timberlake.

She is the hangover to my night of percocet and vodka.

She is the woman blocking my cock from insertion.

We are like the Ross and Rachel of the internet if Ross and Rachel were engaged in a fight to the death.

I am very sorry if these entries are making no sense to any of you….wait I am not sorry, you can all go fuck yourselves…..noooooooo I was kidding, don’t fuck yourselves, come back….I apologize to all 8 of you, things got heated and I said things I didn’t mean, please forgive me.

You Will? Good

Now onto the Entry.

I am a 2Pac supporter and The Evil Pap Smear is a Biggy supporter. She wrote a column supporting her position and now I have to retaliate because my soul has become encumbered with this new found beef. I am going to break this down scientifically and with the use of lyrics by the prophet himself, 2Pac.

PS> I think Bill Simmons actually started this quote type of column, so cheers to him.

And Pac may very well have been a prophet folks; we never will know because Suge Knight killed him, there I said it.

Ok, he may not have been a prophet, but he was prophetic and poetic and he had six pack abs to die for.

Yo, if I don’t enter anything in the next couple of days then Suge has definitely gotten to me. Don’t worry about this web page because my will stipulates that my cousin Ugly Edison will take over. He doesn’t do drugs or have sex, so for the sake of readable columns let’s hope Suge doesn’t kill me.

Here goes, Evil Pap Smear. You brought this on yourself.

Quote 1: During your life, never stop dreaming. No one can take away your dreams
Wow, that was kind of a pussy quote to start with, ahem, let’s restart.

Quote 1: I don't mean to sound sleezy but tease me I don't want it if it's that easy

This quote is dedicated to the gentlemen on the left that The Evil Pap Smear may or may not be hanging out with this evening.

Quote 2: Will I, succeed, paranoid from the weed and hocus pocus, try to focus but I can't see.

This is dedicated to me - right now. I am very paranoid from the weed and I am trying to focus on typing but I can’t see.

Quote 3: Is it a crime, to fight, for what is mine?

No it isn’t a crime to fight for what’s mine. What is mine is my name- SEXY EINSTEIN, not Brad, got that Brittany Smears, Big Pappa; I could go on but…but…actually I can’t think of anymore.

Quote 4: I make sure everybody die, when we ride on your enemies

I don’t actually believe in this quote, but it shows how bad ass Pac is.

Quote 5: sometimes I sit and look at life from a different angle

This is dedicated to The Evil Pap Smear. She claims to have purchased Ready To Die “like 7 times” and she also claims that she had some of her copies stolen. A real Biggy fan doesn’t purchase shit, they jack to get their’s. A real Biggy fan wouldn’t let someone steal there shit, they would get even and merk those bitches.

Quote 6: Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix, cause the media is full of dirty tricks

This is dedicated to me, because I get way too thug and hood when talking about Pac. In reality I have never really been in a fight, since I am always baggin the ladies. But that is the power of Pac, he could make you think deep and give you insight about babies in the garbage or about how the streets can eat up an impressionable young man. In the same vein he can get a preppy kid hyped up to the point of eruption before his soccer matches.

Quote 7: I'll probably be punished for hard living

This is dedicated to my doctor. This is exactly what he said to me during my last physical. Well that and asking me how long my urine has been burning.

Quote 8: It seems like every time you come up something happens to bring you back down.

I am not from the East Coast. I am a bi coastal guy. I am not a bi guy….fuck that came out wrong, I like both coasts…I just prefer the west…ok, scratch that. I like the East coast but I love Pac, ok so you got me Evil Pap Smear.

Quote 9: I'm the rebel totally going against the grain. I always want to do the extreme. I want to get as many people looking as possible.

This is dedicated to me, because this is how I try to live my life.

Quote 10: We all gonna die , we bleed from similar veins

This quote is dedicated to both Pac and Biggy because they were both vicious lyricists and riveting MC’s and died far too soon. As long as they are played over and over and picked over the likes of Emo bullshit and The Jonas Brothers, I will be a happy man.

Smearing Pap Smear

My boss is an evil black magic woman. She made me do work today while I was trying to start an online war with my new arch nemesis- Pap Smear. While I was reading the comment Pap Smear left on my journal thingy my boss told me to do some mundane job, but in a very bitchy way. So I replied with this doozy

ME: While I’m out should I tell the monkeys to bring your broom around.

I was yelled at for a good five minutes but it was worth it because my co-workers now have even more respect for me than they did before. What my co-workers don’t know is that my boss and I actually get along real well so it really didn’t bother her that much.

Pap Smear seems to think that Biggy is better than 2Pac. I couldn’t fathom this response so in an attempt to clear my head and get my rebuttal ready I went down town and threw nickels at the poor people.

I love watching them fight over nickels, it's soooo cute.

I tried to delve into this 2Pac vs Biggy debate, but during my research Suge Knight’s name kept coming up, and I am afraid of Suge, so I will just drop the fight …for now. But remember this Pap Smear; 2Pac recorded Hit Em Up which is the greatest lyrical bitch slap known to man.

I just poured myself a Guinness as motivation to type more because my liver began to sing Celtic hits so I had to start drinking.

Since I live every week like its Shark Week I couldn’t just let Pap Smear, well Smear my good name. Did you see what I did there, I used her name as a verb, and it could be the title for an HBO documentary.

Pap Smear Smears Sexy Einstein.

Seeing it in print actually makes it look like the title to a porno, jeesh my life always leads me back to porn.

Well let’s get back to the crux of the matter, Pap Smear hypothesized that my actual name is Brad. Unless Brad is followed by the word Pitt it's a shitty name, sorry Brads of the world. My name is not Brad, I don’t have a name, I am an idea, a movement; I am the inspiration for Barack Obama’s campaign. Remember the song- A horse with no name, well I am that horse, except I am a man, a human man, not a male horse. Wow this whole paragraph is becoming far too confusing to follow, must escape……

Well sorry about the crap above this sentence, my point is that my name isn’t Brad.

My Dumb Fuck

Leggy Blonde may be a little dumber than I had previously anticipated.

• First sign of stupidity- sleeping with me
  
• Second sign of stupidity- letting me bang her without a rubber
  
• Third sign of stupidity- She literally thought PVC pipe was PCP pipe. Not that there is anything wrong with a PCP pipe, but you definitely need some PVP pipe for home repair.
  
• Fourth Sign of stupidity- She called me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie tonight. I said yes; not because I wanted to watch a movie but because I wanted to have premarital sex with her. She said she had just rented “The Assassination of Jesse James.” Then she says; I bet I can figure out who killed him before you do. I told her to read the entire movie title….The Assignation of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Then she asked why I wanted her to read the entire title. Seriously!!! I told her to read it a little more in depth and keep in mind the game she wanted to engage me in….Wait for it
  
  Wait for it
  
  Wait for it
  
  Ohhhhh it tells you who killed Jesse James.
  
  OH MY GOD, I AM FUCKIN A RETARDED PERSON…
  
  Maybe bangin a ‘tard will count as my charity for the year.

One Hitter

Whenever I leave a girl’s house I set the microwave for 20 minutes. During my drive home I imagine that the microwave alarm rings and that the girl becomes started and falsely believes that she has an intruder within her home and that spends the rest of her evening in fear.

Hilarious, I know.

This joke would obviously lose its luster if an intruder were actually in the girl’s home.

My Brand New Cindy McCain

Cindy McCain was on Leno a couple of nights back. Y’all are very well aware of the vitriol I feel towards Johnny McCain. I even hated his Stepford wife Cindy, but not anymore.

I used to hate her, but then I got to know her.

Cindy was addicted to pain killers….I’m addicted to pain killers.

Speakin of drugs, do you think that if The Hanson Brothers had a drug problem they would make good music? Because I think they are one or two addictions or overdoses away from recorded the next Stairway to Heaven. No? Ok, Sorry, back to the story.

She lied to Jonny Mac about her age- she claimed to be 4 years older- and he never found out the truth until they signed the marriage license. Sneaky bitch.

When she first met Johnny Mac she thought he was creepy…..I always think Johnny Mac is a creep.

She secretly enrolled in flight school and attained her pilot’s license without Johnny Mac ever finding out.

SIDE NOTE: If this dude’s wife can enroll in flight school and fly planes on a regular basis without ever finding out, how can he be president? This senile worm of man is qualified to run this country; FUCK NO. I think the president should be very concerned about flight schools, don’t you.

She went to USC and her family has some coin. You think 40 years ago Cindy McCain was like Lauren Conrad and the rest of the ladies on The Hills. Because I sure do. Cindy was definitely clubbin and snortin coke while bangin Hollywood pretty boys and USC football players.

Cindy, you have changed my mind. I like you.

Thinkin' While Stoned

My friend and I were stoned and came up with a game.

If you had to live with only one plant or animal as a form of sustenance and supplies what would it be.

I know it doesn’t make any sense, but if you were smoking Purple Power Buddha Pot like we were it would make a shit load of sense.

I picked the cow. For the milk, the steaks, the leather coats, and the company. They seem nice.

I may need an intervention.

My Wandering Thoughts

1. I am a huge Tupac fan, or is it 2Pac; whatever, I love the guy. I love Pac so much that I hate The Notorious B.I.G. since Tupac hated him. So from now on I am going to judge the worth of my new friends by asking them who their allegiance lies with: Pac or Biggy. If they choose Biggy I am going to shoot em up.


2. Whenever I am in an elevator with a big group of people I yell as loud as I can inside my own head. If anyone looks at me as if they know what’s going on then I know that they’re crazy and I can make fun of them for it.
   
   Me: Hey lunatic, stop listening to me yell inside my own head
   
   Crazy: What
   
   Me: I saw you look at me, don’t think I’m not onto you
   
   Crazy: You’re crazy man
   
   Me: NO, You are.
   
   You see how that works kids.


3. The other night when Leggy Blonde slept over for the first time I found out a strange fact about her. Not the bleeding, but that she sleeps with her eyes open. Now I can never tell if she is awake and looking at me or asleep and looking at me. I have only spent one night with her but it has already thrown me for a loop.
   
4. I think this woman should be the new Bachelerotte on ABC next season.
   
   
   
5. If I ever ran for president, and don’t think I haven’t considered it; my platform would be to lower the cost of energy. Red Bull costs way too fucking much. I drink 2 to 3 cans a day in lieu of actual meals to keep my taut physique, but paying $3.50 is not easy on the wallet. And I would lower the cost of gas; the guys I buy my pot from are Arabic so I’m sure they could hook it up somehow.
   
   
6. I am going back to Lollapalooza this summer. I just thought I would throw that in. I am going for the music, the drugs, and the hope that I can finally bag a dirty hippy chick. Sleeping with a dirty hippy chick is right below sleeping with an Asian chick for me.
   
7. Speaking of Asian chicks; do you think if you eat one out at say 3:00, you are hungry for more a half hour later.
   
8. My Benz died the other day and my cell phone was also dead. I have Triple A and needed to make a phone call so I began walking to this big white house about 20 yards away to ask to use their phone. But I was high, so I was paranoid. I begin to think crazy thoughts; like what if Chris Hansen from Dateline was at this house and my attempt to use the phone led me to be placed on the sexual predator list. Or what if the home belonged to a bunch of Mormons and they tried to kill me for making fun of Mitt Romney. So I just sat in my car and cried.
   
9. The Pope was in the states a couple of weeks back. I dig the pope, he’s an alright cat, but I love comedians way more.

True Story Alert: Back in 2005 when Pope John Paul passed away I did not feel any sadness, I felt that I should, but I didn’t and I felt guilty. The about a month later my favorite comedian of all time passed away- Mitch Hedberg, and I was sad as fuck. I am not Catholic; frankly I am not religious at all, but feeling more remorse for a comedian I had never met that died of a drug overdose than for the leader of the Catholic faith made me feel a little “funny” about my priorities. This story has no real point but I figured it would give all 8 people who read this crap some insight into my soul.

1. So this stupid girl that has a stupid blog made a stupid comment on one of my posts. She calls herself Brooke, but since I loathe the use of actual names on my corner of the interweb, we will call her Pap Smear, since that is her favorite thing to receive. The only reason I am mentioning her here is because I think she is a sexual deviant and a hater of Nascar. In all seriousness, I laughed out loud a couple of times reading some of her writing, I was high, but she was funny none the less. SO GO READ PAP SMEAR'S BLOG.
   
2. A couple of my friends were over here watching a basketball game a couple of days ago. While the game was on I typed a column for my company’s website, real creative stuff. After completion of said article I churned out some crap for the book I am working on. Then I typed some drivel into my online journal. My Cool Ass Black Friend asked me why I write so much. I wanted to tell him that with more practice and refinement this weak skill I have may get stronger over time. I wanted to tell him that when I write a sentence that wastes zero words the feeling of satisfaction is unparalleled. I wanted to tell him that forcing emotions out of another human being through words alone is a magical feeling. But alas, I could say none of these things because my friends are morons. So I got my point across with an anecdote from my childhood.
   When I was a kid my friends and I would play from 9 in the morning until 9 or 10 at night. During the summer we would have the greatest adventures and exceed the fun quotient by a long shot. We had a group of 7 kids in our regular clique, but once you included other neighborhoods we would have 20 or 30 kids frolicking around. My friend Zach Long hated leaving the fun so much that he would forgo using the bathroom just so he could continue playing. On occasion he would crap his pants just to keep playing. We knew that he shit himself because he smelled like shit and because his mom would whip him in front of the neighborhood every time he did it. But you have to commend someone that loves something so much he would defecate himself just to continue doing what he loved. This is how I feel about writing, I love writing to much that I would shit myself just to keep writing.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Leggy Blonde and I hung out last night.

I wore pin striped pants, a tight white shirt, and a Mediterranean scarf that I saw Beckham and Colin Farrell wear on occasion.

I was an avatar of Europe’s high society.

Or a poser, who knows at this point.

I was starving; I was so effin hungry I may have gone done on Leggy Blonde just to get something to eat.

That last sentence was just as gross in print as it sounded in my head, I should erase it but the sentence bothers me sooo much that I never want anything to do with it ever again, so suffer bitches.

I had a work function prior to my “hang out” with Leggy Blonde so I my head was bumpin. Imagine listening to Paris Hilton sing….a duet with Lindsey Lohan…that was what my headache was like. Since I don’t believe in modern medicine I used model medicine…Marijuana.

Other Things I don’t believe in: Religion, Midgets, Man landing on the moon, American Idol, War, Fat People, Abstinence, Sobriety, Marriage, Virgins, Nostradamus, Dane Cook, and Yellow Sour Patch Kids.

Ummmmm Back to the Story

Pot=Hunger. Need Food. Shit door bell is ringing.

Leggy Blonde was at my door.

She still thinks I’m a good guy so don’t tell her that I have the munchies due to my drug problem.

We went out to eat. Sushi is good for regular dinners, but not for a food crazed high on.

I needed flaming hot Cheetos like Amy Winehouse needs a bath.

Side Note: I just thought of something funny. While typing I have some arbitrary news channel on in the background and they are talking about this Miley Cyrus fiasco. By the way who cares anymore, high school girls in my school were making soft core porn and getting pregnant at a record pace; so who cares that she showed her back in a magazine. Anyways, don’t you think Date Line NBC should film all of next season’s “To Catch a Predator” from Miley Cyrus’s home. HA.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAnnd We’re Back

Since I was having a tough time getting more food, I just drank more wine. Hello Cabernet…Good Bye Sobriety and good judgment.

I drove us back to the Einstein Mansion; and yes I was drunk, get over it. Besides, I didn’t kill anyone….I hope that was a raccoon back there.

Leggy Blonde + Sexy Einstein+ Wine+ Bedroom = Sexy Time.

This situation was replete with sexual possibilities.

Our clothes magically evaporated into the ethereal space around us.

Sexual possibilities became sexual realities.

Everything from this point on is a bit hazy. Jooooooooookin, we totally had sex.

No condom….her choice….she trusted my penis…I don’t trust my penis. But in her defense I may be impotent at this point in my life due to smoking marijuana seeds, eh who cares.

Leggy Blonde was tight, and I felt like Dirk Diggler, woo hoo.

Do you know that Leo DiCaprio was originally offered the role of Dirk Diggler, but he turned it down since he was filming Titanic, just some pointless facts.

She bled. She hadn’t had sex in such a long time that her hymen had reconstituted itself and it was in mint condition until I eviscerated it with constant jabs and pokes from my cock machine.

I am grossed out by blood, but walking into the bathroom with blood on my dick was exhilarating. I felt like I had just slayed the serpent of Carthage…too obscure a reference, OK…..it was like I had just slayed Lock Ness...still too obscure...well maybe you should read a book or a newspaper, idiots.

I felt like William Wallace. I wanted to call my parents and tell them the good news. I wanted my friends to come over and look at my bloody trophy.

Leggy Blonde was in tears due to her embarrassment over the bloody vag, but I could care less, because I was too busy dialing random numbers on my phone to tell them about making a non-virgin that was not menstruating bleed.

Sexy Einstein-1 Leggy Blonde's Vagina-0

LSD for ME

Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who discovered the hallucinogenic drug LSD, dies at the age of 102.

Sir Alexander Fleming , the Scottish biologist and pharmacologist that discovered penicillin died at the age of 74.

1. They both made their discoveries on accident.
2. They both used there discoveries multiple time throughout their lives.

I just found it ironic....no...fitting that the man who discovered LSD outlived the man that discovered penicillin.

This is why I will never go to rehab, even when my drug use becomes so bad that I alienate friends and family.

This is also why I will not take penicillin, even when my syphilis becomes so bad that my friends and family alienate me.

YEAHHHH GO DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

My New Son

I am going to adopt this kid. He is absolutley hilarious.

PS> I do hope he turns his life around and gets on the straight and narrow, but in the meantime his crimes are funny as shit.

I wonder if this is how The Notorious B.I.G. started- may he rest in peace.

Baby bay bay




And what is his Grandma like 40- jeesh

Poor Horsey

Hillary Clinton told everyone to bet on the filly- Eight Belles- in the Kentucky Derby held this past Saturday. Eight Belles was the only female horse among the bunch and the first filly since 1999 to compete in the derby.

If Clinton was hoping for some good "horse" karma, she ain't gettin it.

Eight Belles finished second to a horse by the name of Big Brown.

In a related story all the ladies of Harvard Law School referred to Obama as Big Brown around campus...ba doom boom

Sorry- bad joke

Eight Belles not only finished second but in a tragic turn of events had to be euthanized on the track after collapsing.

Other than the euthanizing of the poor horse at the end of the race, the Derby and the Democratic Party nomination process may have some uncanny parallels.

Zippity Doo Da

Every single guy has zipped up his dick or his balls or a conglomerate of the two in a a pair of pants or shorts.

It used to be the worst feeling ever, until this morning.

I rarely wear underpants- who says underpants anymore?

Me

I placed my pin striped executive pants from Express into the dryer in lieu of ironing while I read The New York Times and drank my coffee half nude.

DING

Ohh, is that the dryer?...why yes it is. I should retrieve my pants and put them on and get to work.

SIDE NOTE: Putting on freshly dried clothes that have that warm afterglow is the next best thing to getting a hug from your grandmother. Warm dryer clothes make you smile and do that self hug thing when you wrap your own arms around your own body and half shiver - half quiver with elation.

So I put on the pants that were very warm and very crisp. As I pulled them up- and remember I am underpantless- the metal from the zipper made contact to the tip of my penis- sizzle- OHHHHHHHH FUCKKKKKKKKK.

Contact with a hot fresh out of the drier zipper trumps zipping up your cock as the most painful zipper related penis injury.

Grand Theft Auto...Stolen?

Police: Man Used Mace In Game Store Robbery
SAN DIEGO -- A man was jailed Tuesday after allegedly dousing clerks with Mace at a Mira Mesa shop and stealing "Grand Theft Auto IV," which had been on store shelves less than 12 hours.
Dennis Fiel, 27, allegedly entered The Game Stop in the 8100 block of Mira Mesa Boulevard about 10:30 a.m., doused two workers with the caustic chemical spray, grabbed the game cartridges and ran, according to San Diego Police Department Detective Gary Hassen.

Sooooooooo a guy stole Grand Theft Auto.....how can the video game manufacturers even get mad....shouldn't they commend the guy....maybe they should commend the guy that pulls of the Grand Theft Auto 4 robbery.