Quick Hits

I can't stand stories about child prodigies. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.

I was at a restaurant a couple of nights ago and noticed a couple sitting at the table next to mine. The couple consisted of a woman- kind of hot- and a decent looking guy that was confined to a wheelchair. Two thoughts jumped into my head. I wonder what their sex life is like, and I wonder if she actually loves him or is she with him out of guilt.

I hate vegetarians. All they do is talk about what they can or cannot eat. Then they have the audacity to question your eating habits. Plus they are chronically unhealthy and sickly looking. Most vegetarians think that their vegetarianism makes them more chaste, more virtuous. It doesn't.

ABC needs to make sure Suge Knight is on next season's Dancing With The Stars. Close your eyes and picture Suge dancing with that hot little blonde while a Glock is protruding from his pants.

There is nothing more stressful than changing the outgoing message on your cell phone. "Hello, I'm not able to answer my phone right now, please leave a message," is what I decided on. But it took me an hour and a half to reach it, should I say "peace out," should I make it funny, should I make it sound like I actually answered the phone and then trick them, should I play some background music, should I let some girl leave my message so people think I am constantly in the throws of love making, should I let the automated machine answer my phone, and why does the automated voice on my cell phone sound so sexy to me?....Do you see why it is so hard.

When I'm driving and I see a group of birds in the road ahead of my I speed up. I have never actually hit one, but I have gotten a speeding ticket because of it.

I want to hang out with Detroit Piston's Forward Rasheed Wallace. I want to go go-carting with him, I want to go to the mall and hit on girls in the food court with him, and I want to play video games with the guy.

Speaking of the Detroit Pistons, I want their announcer- Mason- to announce the mundane everyday goings on in my life.

I am sexually attracted to Tina Fey.

I have said this before and I am saying this again- What is the point of Nascar? All I see is a monumental waste of gas.

Salads are no fun.

Girls don't poop. It is scientifically impossible.

When I poop I get completely naked, it just feels better.

I ran a half marathon last year, and during my training I found out that marathon runners piss themselves if they need to pee during a race. First of all- that's gross. Second of all- that is why I will never run a marathon, and Third of all- how can they pee and run at the same time. If I'm not statue still during urination, it just won't flow. My bladder is far too shy for a marathon.

This post took a really weird turn with all this piss and poop talk.

I am going to say it before any one else does- Brad Pitt is sooooo pussy whipped. He has gone from Brahma Bull to bull shit.

I wish I was pussy whipped by Angelina Jolie.

Carmen Electra is fine as wine, but she has dated some very odd characters.

Prince

B-Real from Cypress Hill

Dennis Rodman

Tommy Lee

Dave Navarro

Joan Jett

and now the Guitarist from Korn

I may have a shot with Carmen, all I have to do now is meet her.