Drunk Driver

Scene: A cookout. My friend Shredder's place.

Side Note: I realize that many of my tales begin with "I was at this cook out," which may illicit images of rap videos and volley ball matches, but that is not the case. My friend has an unreal house on the lake with a barbecue pit that causes salivation on sight. But there is definitely hip hop serving as background music.

ANYWAYS

There were vodka martinis aplenty and bikini clad women...so heaven was not too far away. My sobriety had passed me by hours ago, so I kept on drinking until I had to puke.

Instead of actually throwing up I just grabbed some food and stuffed my face.

I was so drunk that I neglected hitting on the ladies just to sing Bon Jovi with my friends and tell them how much I loved them.

Singing "Livin On A Prayer" and "You Give Love a Bad Name" while wasted is one of the most enjoyable activities known to man.

HERE"S WHEN IT GETS INTERESTING

I had my car keys on me, but I honestly never intended to drive; seriously. I walked around to the side of the house to relieve my bladder from the growing pressure caused by the excess alcohol resting within it.

As I was peeing I dropped my cigarette and knelt down to pick it up, but forgot that I was still peeing and my urine went rogue for a moment.

I noticed that some of the party goers were laughing at me, so I decided to "get funnier." I walked to my car, sat inside it, and turned it on. I waited for someone to notice and nada. I threw the car in drive and inched it forward about 10 yards, and still nobody noticed.

All of a sudden I realized that drunk driving isn't so tough. I just drove a perfect 10 yards, without an incident. I lived literally 2 miles away, so I threw caution to the wind and drove home.

Even though I avoid drunk driving at all costs, I have to admit I am very good at it.

But I had a slip up on this day. I accidentally drove right past the entrance to my subdivision and decided to throw the car in reverse on this main road. I also accidentally drove my car up onto the curb while in reverse. Not good times.

I made it home with nothing but guilt on my conscience and dirt on my vehicle.

I may need help at some point.