The Greatest Story of All Time...Seriously

I am going to tell you about my Saturday night. I am going to Tarantino this shit by starting out with the scene Sunday morning and then give the big reveal. Ouch, fuck, shit....sorry, I just dropped my joint directly onto my thigh. It burned a little since I am typing in my birthday suit.


Side Note: If you're ever going to sustain a minor injury- like a burnt thigh- doing it while high is the best plan of attack. It doesn't really hurt, and it's a tad bit funny.


Ok, now back to Sunday morning. I woke up in a bed that was not mine, in a house that was unfamiliar, and with a used condom on. I don't remember having sex, and I definitely don't know who the girl was. I am amazed that I had the where with all to make sure I threw a jimmy on. I mean, what kind of parent wouldn't want their daughter to hook up with me; even hammered beyond recognition I still chose safe sex, even if it doesn't feel as good.

I stood up and stretched my hungover bones. I looked through the window to the world outside and noticed a dented black truck laying on its side at the bottom of the very long and steep hill this home was set on. Oh fuck, that truck looks just like My Cool Ass Black Friend's truck. I adjusted my view so I could see the licence plate number, and it was his. The vanity plates were intact and definitely read "Cool Ass Black Guy."

I walked into the bathroom and discarded the used condom. Just an FYI, used condoms become hard over time, the latex and semen form a paper mache type of compound. I threw on a towel and walked downstairs and found the Guy that Knew Stuff.

"Yo, Guy, where the fuck am I?"

You were partying with your friends at the pub and you must have become a tad bit too drunk.

"The soccer games lasted a tad bit long"

Well, Shredder just purchased this house and you were too drunk to arrive on time or to realize you were at his house warming party upon your arrival.

"Word"

For real, you showed up here puking your ass off and you passed out on the back deck. Then you perked up instantly an hour later when all the ladies arrived and continued to drink.

"Damn, I'm kind of bad ass"

Settle down there tough guy.

"So what's the deal with Cool Ass Black Guy's truck?"

I was hoping you would ask, because that actually is bad ass. Well, he was drinking at the pub with you, then he showed up here and continued polluting his body. 3 am rolled around and he got a call from the strippers at the Vu, so he left to pick them up and bring them over.

"But he was fucked up"

Yup, and yet he still put his life on the line to get sluttier girls to this party because he cares.

"Wow, he is bad ass"

Not yet there champ, the bad ass is on its way. He pulled out of the driveway and he pumped a little bit too much gas and his truck rolled down the hill.

"Is he ok?"

He pulled himself out of the mini wreck, walked back into the house, downed a couple more shots, and then he took someone else's vehicle to pick up the strippers.

"He's a legend"

That he is.

"One more question, I woke up with a used condom on my dick with hardened sperm caked on my shaft. What's the deal with that?"

You must have bagged one of the strippers, but I don't know which one. Ok that's it my friend, I have to go.

"See you Guy That Knows Stuff."


I told you fuckers that Saturday night was off the chain. I just have to find out who this lucky stripper was, and maybe pop some penicillin in the process.